Out of Control 18 Month Old

18 months is worse than 2, in my opinion! My son was a terrible 18 month old and a not so bad 2 year old.

Very normal for them to be picky and have a real limited repertoire of foods at this point. Even if he just eats some fruits, yogurt, cheese, eggs, and whole grain bread with peanut butter and honey or sugar free jelly, and soups (with veggies pureed in) you should be ok. I have found the best way to get them to eat well is to always eat together as a family. Saying a prayer or lighting a candle can be a nice way to signal a special time- a family meal- is beginning. Stick with it, and I bet you if you all sit together and YOU set the example, not getting up or starting dishes- his ability to eat will improve. Also, cut down on fruit juice if he is having that- it seems to be a meal spoiler for my kids.

Is he watching tv? TV is a huge cause of frantic and hyper behaviour. Tantrums seem to be a kids way of telling you some part of his day is frustrating to him. Slowing down the pace and having regular special rituals for how you do things can really make a huge difference. Tv watching also slows down speech- because speech, developmentally, is very tied to movement (speech therapists will even employ crawling exercises to help young children with speech- something about moving you opposite arms and legs helps coordinate interaction and neural pathways between right and left sides of the brain, which also helps with communication). TV time means less movement- more sitting still. Less opportunity for body movement and the heatlhy brain stimulation movement and interaction with his environment will spark.

Try reading "Heaven on Earth: A Handbook for Parents with Young Children"- it has been a godsend for me. It's not so much about discipline, more about how to create an environment that will be very joyous for you and your kids.

Hi K.,

I read most of the responses you got here and I agree with some. But, 18 mos is not too young to understand time out - but it has to be consistent and for 1.5 minutes (I follow the Nann911 way!) My dgtr is 2 and she understood time out at that age and before. But - he needs to understand the rule he's breaking and get a warning first.

A couple other things - your son may need more structure - or maybe less depending on your family. My nephew CRAVED structure - but my bro and sis-in-law don't know the definition! LOL and he threw terrible tantrums at that age. But, maybe he needs to know what's coming next.

As for his communication - he should have at least 10 words at 18 mos old - moving toward 50 words and 2 word utterances by 2 yrs. If your son can't communicate - he is going to get very frustrated. Try giving him little laminated pictures to make simple requests and reinforce the word when he does it. You can also use sign language - if you don't want to learn real signs - make up ones for the most common things that make sense for you (easier if he's just at home). But - if he's having trouble commuicating - get him tested for speech - if your Ped doesn't agree - that's fine - say you just want to make sure he's ok at this point and want the opinion of a speech therapist.

The first thing that did jump out at me though was what is he eating? Not differences of food - but what's in it? I read the doctor's input and agree wholeheartedly! Cut out the preservatives - if he wants fruit - give fruit - real, fresh fruit. Cut out juice - and if you can't give fresh squeezed as much as possible diluted with water. Some children (and adults) are overly affected by gluten also - it's in EVERYTHING! Try to give him as much as you can as natural as possible (unprocessed). Real natural cheese, real eggs, real butter, fresh veggies and fruit. If he doesn't like the variety and only eats a few things - so what? Will he drink different things? Try a yogurt smoothie with some fresh fruit. Or freeze yogurt and give it as a frozen treat. Maybe he doesn't like the texture of new things - a thought just came into my head - does he tantrum more when he's out and about on his own and is calmer when he is in your arms or in a bear hug? Does he tantrum more when there is noise and commotion, but is calm in a calmer, quieter environment? He may have sensory issues (doesn't necessarily mean anything awful, but that he doesn't know what to do with an overload of the senses). But - if he is avoiding foods because of their textures - that could be why too. But - try to give him blended drinks and see if he'll take them instead. Some children just won't vary anything for awhile and he may just eat the same 2-3 things for months. Keep offering variety - but don't worry if he doesn't eat it. You'll end up in a power struggle.

If he is doing things that are for attention (like wanting to sit in your lap for meals) he may feel as if he is not getting attention that he needs at other times. It could be that he will only eat in your lap - try it - maybe you can transition him little by little back into a highchair - or maybe he doesn't want to sit in one anymore and wants to sit in the chairs everyone else is using (big assumption there that you are still using a highchair!!).

Try to look past his behavior and look at what preceded it. Is he getting alot of sugar- too much TV - noise, not alot of attention, being moved from one activity to another before he was prepared, etc, etc. I would set up an ABC (antecedent, Behavior, Consequence) chart to see for yourself. It's easier to start with Behavior - he threw food on floor, pulled my hair, etc. Then - Antecedent - what happened right before that, then consequence - what was our intervention on that behavior. You should also add - "Did it work?" b/c it's great to know what caused a behavior, but also to know if the intervention is working. Then you can ID certain times/situations that cause a behavior, but also to know what works to curb the negative behavior. One misconception of behavior is that "Bad" behavior is only bad depending on the people around the person. He is acting out for a reason - you need to find out why. It's negative, but he's in need of something (and sometimes it may just be attention - but look beyond that. If he needs attention and acts out - give him more positive attention and see if some of the behavior changes)

The out and out "No's" are health and safety. If he's not doing things like running in traffic or or trying to drink cleaning solutions there are other options out there. He may have some other things going on (like speech or sensory, or even blood levels that are off) but he may be struggling for power also. Give him some options (few and simple) thorughout the day so he can feel empowered may help too.

The biggies for me that jumped out though are go natural (and organic) if you can with food. Give him choices that he can make. See if things need to change in the house to help him - for ages we have been under a misconception that adults know best and children have to go along with it and I just don't agree. It doesn't mean we are spoiling our children - it means we are working together, parent and child and teaches children to express themselves in a positive way also. Look at the structure of the house - it may work for you, your husband and your daughter - but he's got his own personality and may need some differences for himself. And maybe intervention for speech or beyond.

If you want to email me further - I'll be more than happy to respond. Good luck - it's hard knowing what to do all the time!

As far as the eating goes, (unless he is under weight or losing a lot of weight) I'd say, don't worry about it. Occasionally try offering him new, foods, but he will eat more variety as he grows up. Lots of kids are VERY picky eaters. Try to balance his meals with juices and maybe a daily flinstones vitamin.

About the whining, poor language and behavior...have you had his ears checked? My son had ear problems at that age that resulted in the frequent use of the word "ugh" and agressive behavior. If it's not his ears..I'd just have this little bit of advise to offer...
He's not what you expected or planned on, he is what he is. Sometimes their little personalities are so different than what we were planning on "fitting" into our lifestyles and we have to take a second look at everything. Maybe next time he acts out, instead of ignoring it,or punishing him you could look at it from a new perspective and ask yourself, "what does he really want?" and "why?"
I hope that you don't take that advise the wrong way, because I am sure that you try very hard to understand everything about your child. I can say that I have had to re-learn a few things since I have had kids and they have surprized and amazed and changed me.
Good Luck....
PS..This too will pass.

Hi K.,

Wow you sound so overwhelmed! And so does your son. I have two kids, ages 18 and 13, but I can remember those days vividly.

First I'd call early intervention. They send an educational evaluator and speech therapist to your home free of charge, and if your son meets the criteria, will, beginning at 18 mos, begin speech therapy in your home. My younger daughter also was horribly frustrated in not being able to communicate because her language was delayed. She ended up being so extremely smart with a very high IQ, and she had ideas and questions that couldn't be communicated by "ehh" anymore. As soon as her vocabulary increased, her tantrums disappeared.

She also had a condition called Ssensory Integration Disorder" which caused her to be horribly over-stimulated, and we simply didn't understand that. We dubbed her a "difficult" child, and were at our wit's end with her. She wasn't diagnosed till she was eleven. Poor kid... We have a MUCH better relationship now, just because we learned to relate to her in a more positive way.

The fact that your boy doesn't want to come out of "time out" tells me clearly he is feeling overwhelmed by the time he gets there. Maybe he just needs quiet time or an adjustment to his daily schedule.

As far as refusal to eat.. well pooping and eating are really the only two things a child that age has control over.. You can't force a child to use the potty, and you can't force a child to eat. Back off this one... If he is growing and gaining weight, he's eating enough.

I suggest offering him the food he wants in reasonable amounts, cutting it into finger food for him, and introducing something different in small tastes every week or so. Don't make a big thing about his eating it.. Maybe by the third or forth day, he might try it. Please don't make an issue of his eating, just put it in front of him, let him do his thing, and clean up whatever is left over or tossed on the floor calmly after the meal is over. Not during it. Don't respond to his bad dinner behavior. It will stop in good time once you stop responding to it.

Gradually replace any non-nutritious snacks with new and healthier choices. Water down any juices. If he goes into his meals hungry, he'll begin to eat better, and perhaps try more new food.

Other than that, just try to spend more "relaxing" time with him, TV off, conversation soft, less sensory stimulation all at once.. you know what I mean?

He's getting into the age where power and control will really matter to him... So pick your battles and give him choices as much as possible. Both my daughters liked to choose their own outfits from a choice of 2 by that age ( maybe boys are different?) .. or decide between the apple or pear juice, cheerios or rice puffs, etc.) They had very strong opinions most of the time.

I hope you find a way to work things out. You deserve to enjoy your boy!

Val

I feel your pain, K.!! My oldest daughter started her Terrible 2's at 15 months...It's been a very long struggle with her! Yours seems to be a bright and stubborn child!!

IMO, at 18 months, "time out" is a waste of time - he obviously doesn't understand what the concept is because he likes being there...redirection and ignoring are probably your 2 best bets.

As for the food...on the advice of many moms and pediatricians, they all say if it goes on the floor...they're done. Your child will NOT starve himself...Continue to give only healthy, nourishing food and eventually, he will let up his stubborn streak because he is hungry. Also a meal time routine will help...at a certain time, you wash his hands, put on his bib, put him in his highchair...every single meal, do the same, so he'll know what to expect next, just like at bedtime.

As for you - talk to your childs pediatrician...that's what they are there for...they will give you peace of mind and some new tricks to help deal with your son.

Best wishes to you - I promise it will get better...our daughter is now 5 1/2 and still at times loves to give me a run for my money - but her "brains" are coming in a bit more and more and she's much easier to reason with...

One day at a time...
J.

Please consider connecting the dots between food and behavior! Breakfast foods and chicken nuggets are loaded with chemicals that could be impacting your child.
Another thing to consider is the amount of fruit and refined carbs ( once again, i'm betting in the "breakfast foods") that could also be causing his behavior to zing out of control.
You say he likes time out? Probably because it helps him calm down! Perhaps he's flying high on too much sugar and chemicals with no grounding foods to help settle him down.
Food can be a challenging piece to shift, because it's not just your son, it's often a family affair.
The typical American diet is often the cause of many behavior issues because some kids ( and adults) are very sensitive to chemicals, pesticide residues and an imbalance of foods. We've all been duped into thinking about "nutrition" and have lost our connection with real food!

As a mom to 6 kids I think the 'terrible twos' begin when your child gets frustrated by not being able to communicate. Some kids are more content with whatever and others have a mind of their own. As soon as he can communicate his wants he will become nice again. Don't fight with him over food, he WILL eat when he's hungry. Just keep junk food away from him and offer him 2 healthy choices. Also let him chose what to wear between 2 outfits. The more you let him decide the less frustrated he will be. Liking time outs is a way of him calming himself down, which is probably why he likes it. No decisions in time out. <smile>
Enjoy the terrible 2's because your daughter is approaching the TERRIBLE TEENS!!!!!!

Go to the public library and get a sign language book and teach yourself and child some basic sign language. Stuff like: more, finished, drink, eat, yes and no. They helped greatly with both my daughters to stop the frustration and temper tantrums over the "language" barrier.

The eating is another problem. My girls both for a while ate A LOT of ckn nuggets. That was the only thing they would eat for a while. I at meal time would only give them the same food as the rest of us ate and if they threw it I took it away. I let them choose to eat or not what we did, when we did. If they didn't eat I would let them be hungry for a little while after "dinner" time (1/2 hour about) then give them something I know they would eat. I also got the Grandparents, family and friends involved. I would have them to dinner and when we were eating have THEM give the child food. Somehow when it didn't come from me the girls would eat it. It takes some time and perserverence but both my girls (7yo and 2y) now eat almost anything we eat. Actually they eat almost anything! I am allergic to shellfish but both girls love shrimp!!!

Try not to lose your temper (I'm telling myself too!!!) and sometimes ignoring the child (if not in danger) works wonders. My 2yo thinks she can "control" me with temper tantrums. I have found that when it is safe to do so I walk away and ignore her. If I can leave the room it works even faster to have her stop, get up and come see what Mom is doing. I often will hum, sing, talk (to myself) and sound happy and she can't stand not knowing and being part of the activities. Good Luck!!! A.

First of all, the "terrible two's" begins at 18 months. I don't know why they call it "two's." So take a deep breath. Second, if he is not talking a lot, you can probably imagine how frustrating it is for him to try to communicate. Hold your ground and don't give into his demands to eat only breakfast food, because limits will probably be comforting to him once he believes in them. And a bit of wisdom that I learned from my own mother might help: remember that it is precisely when your child is the least lovable that he needs your love the most.

Keep trying to figure out what it is your child wants. Your son is probably just frustrated b/c he can't truly communicate yet. As for the eating, I suggest you keep giving him foods and let him eat periodically throughout the day. If he throws foods, just take them away and maybe try giving him one or two bites at a time. Change his scene too and give him choices. He's all about testing right now and trying to tell you what HE wants. Distractions help too. My son is 16 months and he has been doing a lot of this just not constantly and anyone I've spoken to said that around 18 months their child behaved so badly but eventually the behavior changed as they learned to communicate more and as they developed and grew. Encourage speaking too and maybe you can better decipher his language. My son says a few words, does a lot of pointing, so I just let him go and say "show me" and eventually we get to what he wants.

I just wanted to say that at 18 months old that is too young for time outs in my opinion, he doesnt get it obviously. Give him food let him sit for a time and then clean him up. Dont make a big deal out of it if he's not eating. When he's hungry enough he will eat. It sounds like you have a strong willed child who might just not want to do something because you want him to. So jjust make like you could care less if he eats or not. When he's hungry he'll eat. It might take a while to undo the power struggle he is in but eventually he'ss come around. I would sit next to him eating something while he is there at mealtimes. Then he will watch you eating and want to eat too.

Your son maybe strong-willed which can be difficult. I have three young boys, 3 1/2, 2 1/2 and 10 month old. My 2 1/2 year old is strong-willed and I have learned how to deal with him. But my two older boys are acting and have been for some time, not wanting to eat what I put in front of them. It's my fault and realized that I have given in to them. They don't like this so I get them something else. I have had a talk with my husband's cousin who has 7 children and I have realized that I can't make three different foods for them because they are ungrateful for what I or my husband makes. My husband and I talked and agreed that they will either eat what we give them or they go hungry and wait until the next meal. NO SNACKING in between then they won't eat the next meal. What would they do if we were extremely poor?! That was how it happened years ago!!! God would wants us to discipline our children and do it now or they will be difficult teens and harder to do so then. Be firm about it and if he throws food on the floor, make him get down and pick it up and you may haveto model for him because he's still young yet. Perhaps, your son may have behavioral problems and you may want to get him checked out. About speaking, if he is having diffulty speaking and he's acting out in frustration like my oldest son did. When he points, say the word and have him try to imitate you. When you give him a drink, say to him say thank you and eventually he will or at least give him a benefit of a doubt if he mumbles something. If he points to food, tell him to say the word that associates with that food. It may be still too early to know if he can't talk, but make every effort as possible to tell him that word and this word and if he tries and gets all upset, then talk with your pediatrician and ask how you can go about getting him tested for early intervention and behavioral problems should be checked out too. I'll pray for you and your family and let us know how it all turned out. Any more questions ask us or ask me if you want to ask any more questions.

As many have said, it is frustrating for him to know what he wants/needs and not be able to communicate it to you. Talk to the pediatrician and start getting an evaluation done. I also loved the idea of a Cause/Behavior/Concesquense chart...this could be very enlightening for you and the pediatrician.
My last thought is, what is it about his time out spot that is so appealing--warm, calm, quiet, soft colors? Maybe this should be a quiet spot rather than a time out spot...if you see the tantrum coming (if you do start a chart, you will begin to see a pattern of 'triggers'- hungry,tired/too much stimulation)put him there to calm down and collect himself. If you can prevent 1-2 tantrum a day everyone will be better for it.

Good luck, I know it can be so frustrating as a mom when you can not determin what your child needs-Hany in there, with the right intervention this too will pass.

Hi K.,

Sounds like you have your hands full! When did you go back to work? Your little guy seems to have a lot of energy! The one thing that I would recommend is stop the time-outs. He is much too young to understand the full meaning of one, it may even be making things worse. Does he have a routine? where does he eat? When he pulls your hair say ow really loud. And tell him that hurts. He is still a "baby" and needs to learn the difference between what is acceptable behavior and what isn't. About the food , keep trying to feed him and what ever you do if he wants you to hold him and there's no reason for it, don't give in..... stick to your guns, because if you bend even a little , you'll be holding him until he's 25!!! He seems like a very smart boy for his age!!

K.,

My daughter started with the bad eating habit around 18 months old. She is going to be almost three and it has gotten worse. Some days she eats all day some days she hardly eats. LIke today all she had all day was water and one hamburger. She did not want to eat for me. I have tried family dinners, chasing her etc and she still does not eat. I have started to give her the gummy vitamins to at least get some type of nutrition. I always give her choices with food and see what she selects. That has worked real good. Time outs never worked for me but make sure your son knows that how he behaves is not okay. When Mine throws a tantrum and I know the surrounding is okay. I laugh and she gets mad and stops. I never give into that but I know its frustrating because she does it around my 6 mth old and it always wakes her up. So don't push the eating habit. I got my daughters blood work done and she was okay. Don't push it and place the food in front of him and be patient.

Our 18 months old son does the same thing. It is crazy.When he does not get his way he throws himself on the wood floor, throws stuff and tried to hurt everyone in site.We use pack n play for the time out. And yes he does not understand it fully, but we can see a little difference.When I remove him from situation and put him in pack n play, he calms down faster and can't hurt anybody or himself. When he calms down I ask him if he is ready to get out and be nice, he says(nods) yes and off he goes to play(till another fit).I have experienced it with our oldest as well at that age(and now we're going through terrible 3s:)

have you had his hearing checked? Since he doesn't talk yet and seems to be highly frustrated all the time, do you think maybe he's got some hearing difficulty and therefore is getting frustrated cause he cannot communicate with you?? just a thought.. unfortunately with kids that age, they don't get grasp the whole cause and effect thing.. we do time outs with my girls (20 months) but it doesn't really do much good. They actually like going to time out.

As someone who works with lots of kids in this age range, I would have to agree with the ladies who said that his frustration may be stemming from his struggle to communicate his needs. Lots of kids go through that.

The one thing that I think you should really keep an eye on is how many words is he saying at this point, and check with your family doctor to see if he's on schedule. I've worked with lots of kids who had speech problems - yes kids can be diagnosed as early at 18 months - and early intervention is key. I have a particular favorite who was not speaking at all at age 2 who will be starting kindergarten in the fall who is talking and only has trouble with a few sounds. I don't want to scare you, but just keep it in mind so that you can help your son to communicate as best as he can. Good luck!

It sounds like your son is going through early terrible twos. My only thought right now is this; if your son likes the place where you put him for time out find another place. My friend used to make her daughter stand in a corner and face the wall. If you need to punish him it has to be unpleasant.

Is his big sister teasing him until he screams? is he afraid of her for some reason? Is he expected to eat more than he wants? His behavior is unacceptable. Have you check with his doctor for something that is not visible? My oldest daughter now 51 would not eat. The drs poo-pooed us but finally one did a blood count and hers was so low she took iron in large doses for 6 months.

I feel for you. I have twin 2 year old boys and one of them was behaving the same way right around 18 months. His brother was speaking more than he was at that age and I think that that was part of the problem.

I think my son was frustrated because he could not communicate his needs. Time outs didn't work (same as your son, he liked being in them).

Just before he turned two (approx. 21 months) he started to talk more and more and things are much better. I guess if I were to give you advice I would say try to work on his speech and make sure try to listen and pay attention to him when he is trying to communicate with you. I know from experience that this is easier to say than to do.

Ps. Although my son is much better with tantrums, screaming and whining, he still throws most of his food on the floor during meals.

Good luck.

Take a deep breath and don't take this is as "your son has a problem", but I think if an 18 mo is having so much frustration with his inablity to communicate you should get a speech therapist right away. First call you ped and tell describe the issue and request that your child be given an evaluation. You will then have some people over who will sit with you and you child and listen and check that every thing is normal. If the speech is delayed, for free someone should come to your house and basically "play" with your child games that will help encourage speech and vocabulary. Caught early your son should be up to speed by the time he is three. Speech Therapist might notice weak muscles in the mouth that might discourage your son from eating certain foods. My eldest was exactly as you discribed and I was VERY skeptical about this whole thing, but it help sooo much and now he eats and speaks and behavior issues are a thing of the past.