Other Peoples Kids

You're welcome to let me know that kind of thing anytime. I won't be happy to hear it, but not because you're telling me.

I am with you on this, people are too wrapped up with being PC and minding their own ... you know when we were all in each other's business there was less business to be in.

Good for you !
I hope she laid down the law w/ her kids.
Cusing in my yard would not be acceptable, either !

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Tommy Jackson! I'm going to call your mother and let her know ...

Marie! Does your mother know what you're doing?

I see each and every one of you, and I will call your mothers and let them know if you don't head home right now and quit _______.

When did the above become rude?

I do NOT agree with the 'it takes a village' mentality that so many love...I can (and have) successfully raise(ed) my children w/just help from my family and do not require or so much *want* strangers to dictate/help out...

...but with that being said, I think you were well within your rights to tell the Mother that her children were using swear words.

~I am sure you are aware of the fact that you are going to have to deal with your child hearing cuss words all of his/her life...you can not shelter your child from this, sadly. I assume you used this as a good teaching moment?

I would NOT be upset one bit if someone let me know my kids were using bad language.

It sounds like you approached her in a nice way and not like your child's place/space was more important than her child's space/place on this planet...as we all have the same basic rights, freedom of speech and all that stuff! :)

Would I have done it? No.

Was this on your yard? How old were the kids?
I mean this is just my opinion, but if they were on their own yard and are like pre teens or teenagers and weren't cursing at you or your child I wouldn't have said anything. I know plenty of parents who have no problem with their kids cursing as long as it wasn't directed at someone and would probably just laugh if someone informed them they heard their child cursing. I would just tell my child that we don't we use those words and move on, not really a big deal and no need to rock the boat IMO.

Usually, I confront the kids directly with something like that. Getting the parents involved (for something like language), may be overkill especially if you want to keep peace with the neighbors. I've been at the park on our street and I've told some kids to watch their language because there are small children around. That did the trick without dealing with the whole parent thing.

If you went to her house to specifically tell her that her kids were cussing and blaming them for your child doing it..... it probably was a little harsh.
It might have been casually brought up at the mailbox or something so it didnt seem as mean natured. (your husband, I assume, is thinking it was kind of mean natured)
If you were over visiting already and brought it up, that seems okay to me.

ETA: The lesson is really about YOU teaching your kids not to repeat cuss words from the kids next door.... because this will not be the last time this happens.
Also, there would be nothing wrong with you scolding her kids about it if she wasn't there to do it herself.

I only hope that you approached it in a friendly manner, in other words, oh, my son heard the word xyz, and he said he heard it from your kids, just thought you might want to know.
I'm sure it was fine. I know I would want to know if my kids were being inappropriate :)

Unless I knew you better, I'd probably be mad and my impression of you would be that you're probably the neighborhood busy-body. I'd probably not appreciate what you were trying to do, and my first impressions, even though we had a few chats in the front yard, would be tarnished. I'd probably avoid you until I move or die...which ever comes first. If you had kids, my kids wouldn't be going over to your house to play with them (which you probably wouldn't mind because you'd assume my kids were ruffians because of your first impression but ...hey).

Not trying to be catty, but if I were that woman, that's probably what I'd do...even though I agree with you, the kids were being bad. I don't approve of foul language, but I don't feel I need anyone's help to keep my children in line. I'm not one who believes it takes a village. Especially with something like that and especially if I don't share your values or parenting style. What you think is good and right may not jive with what I think is good and right. While most parents agree foul language is inappropriate, who is to say we agree about what is and isn't appropriate in other areas? And where do you draw the lines?

Not long ago, there was a debate here on mamapedia; `would you say something to a parent if you saw their kid climbing a tree at a park?' ...and guess what? No one agreed on the topic. Some thought climbing trees was no big deal and were shocked anyone considered confronting a parent about this...others thought it was dangerous and a liabililty and they were perfectly in their right to confront a parent for letting their child spend their play time doing this. In the big scheme of things, short of there being a city ordinance that bans tree climbing, neither opinion is wrong. Just different. Who has a right to judge? Neither side. It's a matter of different parenting styles.

The whole takes a village mentality assumes alot (especially if you don't know the parents/family at all) and leaves no room for respecting other's cultural, religious, or personal preferences or differences. And that means you're more than likely making alot of assumptions, foisting your opinions, values, and assumptions on someone else, and therefore are probably asking for some unnecessary problems with the persons you are confronting depending on whose kid you choose to "village" and for what reason. This isn't about being PC...it's about common sense when it comes to dealing with people. I say if you're not confronting about a behavior that is clearly criminal or dangerous, you're treading in gray area. If you're worried about the kids being a bad influence on yours, avoid that family. You don't have to associate with them.

All kids, even yours probably use bad language at some point. But I don't think it's anyone's place to parent my kids by proxy or judge my parenting by coming to my house to tattle about my kids' behavior. You say you wouldn't mind if the tables were turned. But I know people say as you do, who freak out and get defensive when they find out their children aren't so saintly. They feel attacked and judged...and so on. Often, those who have no qualms about pointing the finger at other parents and their kids are those who believe their children don't do anything wrong, or that they are beyond reproach because they are so confident in their own way of doing things and seeing the world....quick to assume and judge.

Their (kids) bad language may offend you or may come off as rude to you, but it certainly won't change your world like matches can. So I'd say that's off limits. A good parent knows their kids, and knows what needs improvement. If they need help, they know where to get it. If that involves asking a neighbor, so be it. But I certainly don't need a neighbor to tell me that I'm not doing my job (because that's what this implies). I have a MIL for that! LOL! And as I said before, you can avoid them if they turn out to be a house of potty-talkers or worse...then problem solved.

Now if they were playing with matches...that's another story. That is dangerous behavior that could affect others' safety and well-being. So in that case, I wouldn't be offended. It's a no brainer. The other situtation is hazier and there is alot of room for misunderstandings and jumping to conclusions. That sort of reporting should be reserved for those we are close to, who know us well. JMO

Ditto Kristina. I'd be more mortified if my kid was using foul language and would be grateful that someone cared enough to let me know.

My son and I were outside today and I actually came close to stopping a grown man walking through the neighborhood, hollering on his bluetooth with every other word being an expletive. I hope his mom buys him some nicer words for Christmas, because apparently "effing" is the only adjective he knew!

ETA: Whether or not anyone agrees with the 'village' concept, here's the thing: when we are out in public (and the front yard is public) we need to respect the neighborhood as a whole. This is not just our private paradise to do as we wish (nor as our children wish) if we aren't using common courtesy and being considerate of the neighbors around us. If I expected the world to *never ever* call me on my son's actions, I should have him stay indoors where they won't affect others. If he's being rude in public, I want to know because I need to address it. AND because his right to do as he likes ends when it is creating a problem for others. It sounds like the mom you spoke to understands this.

You know, I correct other's kids when the behavior is rude or offensive. I agree about the village thing, but what is tricky these days is that everyone in the village doesn't share the same set of values and approaches.

Even still, I'm in agreement about correcting certain behaviors so kids get the idea that certain things are wrong, no matter what the context.

I would want to be told if my son behaved inappropriately so I have a chance to reinforce the correction.

I wouldn't walk over, knock on her door, and interrupt her about cussing...no. That's a bit much. I would tell her, for sure. However, I would bring it up next time I saw her outside. As a parent, I would want to know. With that said, I wouldn't want my day being interrupted by a new neighbor (who probably came across as a busy body) over words not directly said to my child. Cussing, in my opinion, does not warrant this. Unless, the kids were cussing AT my child and calling names. I would have said something directly to the kids first, then mentioned it in passing to the parents. When you start knocking on doors, is when you start coming across as THAT neighbor. No one likes the neighborhood behavior police, you want to be careful about coming across that way.

Matches are dangerous, and warrants immediate attention. Cussing where your child happens to overhear, that's something that just needs to be mentioned.

No you are not wrong.
I would do that too.
Of course I am mellow and calm when I say things like that. (wink).

Some people get "mortified" that a parent would do that. ie: your Husband. Perhaps because of the way they grew up.
My Husband, is a bit "shier" than me... and with things like that. And the way he grew up.
But ME... well I say things.
I am not shy.
But I use the best decorum I can, when I say things like that.
And well also, because my Husband knows I say things... and he tends to be more reserved about things like that ... (ahem), he will actually say "maybe you should go and tell them that..." etc.

by "in the front yard" do you mean in HER front yard, or in your front yard? to me that makes a huge difference. also, what age are these kids??

honestly? i agree with the "it takes a village" - that village is my family. i do NOT want or need help from strangers in raising my child, and i don't think it's my place to help raise others' either...sorry to say. i think i might have to disagree with you on this one.

and i kind of wonder about your wording when you say "picked up on a few words and had to be corrected." that's life. he will hear those words at the store, driving down the street on a warm day with the windows open. on tv too. we can't shield them forever. there are people who say and do things they shouldn't. it IS our job to correct them and ensure that they know better. that's what we're here for as parents.

in all i think yes, i disagree with how you handled it. i don't think it's truly our business what our neighbors do in their own yards. rather i feel it's our job as parents to teach our children how to respond to it (or not in this case). however, as long as you were friendly, non-confrontational and non-accusatory, i don't feel it was "wrong" necessarily. i would be mortified if you came to tell me something like this because i expect better from my child, it would be embarrassing to hear he was misbehaving like that...but i would appreciate it if you came to me in kindness, just wanting to help. but it doesn't mean i'd do it or i would agree with it. hope that makes sense...lol.

No, you aren't wrong. Your values are just higher and more intellectual than others.

At 4 yrs old, my son did not curse, therefore, I expected other kids around his age not to curse in front of him.

I totally agree with you - ALTHOUGH I did the same thing recently and it totally back fired on me. The 10 yr old girl neighbors all got into a "texting" fight that got out of hand and my daughter told me about it (cursing, threatening to punch each other, etc) My daughter was NOT innocent! But I just knew the other parents had no clue. So I told them. I was very clear to make sure I said my daughter was involved too and I've addressed it with her but I wanted them to be aware of what was going on. Well well well - after she proceeded to blame everything on my daughter and say my daughter was a bad influence then not allow her children to play with my daughter which caused alot of drama on our street (4 10 yr old girls, can u imagine?) - It was just not worth the hassle. Some parents just get so damn offended. Me personally, I WANT someone to tell me if my daughter is doing/saying something wrong. But I honestly would have to think twice before I did that again.

I think I would have mentioned it to her too. I would want to know. If nothing more that to make aware someone was saying words kids don't need to be repeating...lol. I've said a few myself and my 5 year old grandson is yelling them out loud at neighbors, making up songs that rhyme with them at the too of his voice as we're driving down the street, telling everyone "Hey, I know a naughty word, wanna hear it". So yes, I would want to know.

I think that how it's presented is the entire thing. If you had been confrontational about it the of course she'd be defensive. Mentioning it in casual conversation is the least threatening. It's the mood they are in when you mention it, what's been going on with that child that day, etc...finding the right way to do it can often be hard but you were able to do it. Hopefully it will be successful.

You're not wrong at all. I'd want to know what my kids were doing and know that my neighbors felt comfortable to talk to me.

It does take a village to raise a kid :). That doesn't mean strangers have to jump in, but teachers and friends all help with them. By taking them for a sleepover, they are also working to make sure they are safe and cared for. I think some people are taking this term wrong.

You were not wrong, and your husband has no reason to be mortified at the fact that you went to your neighbor. How was she to know that her children were out there cussing and passing it along to preschoolers if someone didn't tell her? She told you that she appreciated it, as I know I would.

You did a neighborly, friendly thing. You let her know that you were watching out for her kids as well as your own. Good job. Now you can bring her some brownies or something. :-)

I don't think you did anything wrong. I wonder if some of the other people who said they wouldn't want you interfering with their children would feel the same way if their kids had been approached by a stranger or you saw them drinking or using drugs. We all have to watch out for all children all the time.

If it's affecting your family, then I would tell the kids to tone it down and watch their language in front of my kids. If I don't know that my kids are doing something wrong, then yes, please come and tell me so I can fix it. But, it does bother me a little when I'm there and I don't feel that they are doing anything wrong and other people tell them not to do something, when I feel that it's ok.

Hi, Fun:

Yes, it is your responsibility to teach a child common decency, yours and others. It is children's duty to honor and obey their parents and elders. You are an elder. It is the duties of parents and elders to protect, teach, feed, clothe, and provide shelter for children.

Dealing with your husband is quite a challenge for you.
Change roles when dealing with him. Become a reporter and ask him:

1. How are you affected by my being a responsible adult?
2. What impact has my behavior had on you?
3. What is the hardest thing for you about what I've done?
4. What do you need to feel better about yourself?

See if this helps him get past his fears.
Good luck.
D.

You were not wrong. I've had a neighbor call me when she heard my grandson using not so savory language while playing basketball with her kids. She was very nice about it and I appreciated being told. I would rather her do that and give me and GS a chance to correct it than to just tell her kids that they couldn't play with my GS.