Older Moms

A., I'm sorry you are hurting so much. One of the hardest things about being a mom is letting go, watching them make their own decisions that we don't necessarily agree with! I do not ever think one person should quit being a friend to someone just because someone else in their life doesn't like the person. However, I think there is more going on here than meets the eye. If you did not make the guest list, and your son and daughter-in-law know that, then I would look for a different reason that they are upset with you. I don't know for sure, but my guess is that there is a clue in your statement that "my son used to be my best friend, we would talk everyday and e-mail everyday." Our family is close, also, with Christian values, but newlyweds need their space! Your son must learn to lead his own family now, and I think the more we cling to our children, the more they feel uncomfortable and want to wiggle further away. Your best friend should be either your husband, or if he cannot fill that role in your life, another woman friend. Your new daughter-in-law wants your son for her best friend. He will always be your son, but if you want a good relationship with him, it might be a good idea to back away and, for the next couple of years, let him be the one to initiate contact. If you truly have always been a close family, then he will come around. When he does, welcome them warmly and ask the Lord to help you just be a blessing to them and love on them with no criticism for needing their space. Look for that best friend elsewhere, and pour out on him(your husband)/her all the hurt in your heart of this changing relationship with your son. I really do understand that hurt - my oldest daughter pulled away from me for a couple years and is just now coming back around and sharing things with me again. Blessings to you,
J.
Christian homeschool mom of three beautiful grown girls, one wonderful son-in-law, two terrific teens, and one rambunctious, first-class boy

I'm really sorry about your situation. There are several things you mentioned that caught my attention. First of all you mentioned that you do not feel you should stop communicating with your son's ex because you have known her for 8 years. How long have you known your son? I would guess SINCE BIRTH! Him not wanting you to have contact with his ex just might not have anything to do with his wife or insecurities, it might just be he wants to completely move on. Remember, there is a reason why she is an ex and those two and possibly his wife are they only ones who know what happened in that relationship. As a parent of an adult child, you should respect your son's request what ever his reason may be.whether you agree with him or not. He obviously feels very strong about it. It doesn't sound like the only communication you have with the ex is an unexpected run in at baby shower hosted by someone else. I'm sure there is more to it. Maybe him repeatedly telling you not to keep in contact with his ex? How would you feel if your daughter in laws family kept in contact with her ex knowing that it is hurting your son? Now, what does paying for a wedding have anything to do with the topic at hand? I'm happy you raised your children with good Christian values because your son is following a Christian belief of once you marry, you leave mom and dad and make a family of your own and that family becomes your priority. He is taking care of HIS family. You also stated that he was your best friend, well, your husband should be your best friend and your son's wife should be his best friend. You stated you are willing to beg them for forgiveness but you feel like you are not doing anything wrong, right? So why ask for forgiveness if you are not sorry about anything you are doing. I thought you ask for forgiveness when you are truly sorry and ready to stop hurtful behavior.

Your son and daughter-in-law need to grow up and deal with it. I'm sure they will deal with situations that they will have to interact with an ex from one side or the other. you are NOT to blame, you didn't make the invitation list. If they have a problem, let them take it to the person who did. Then, they both need to grow up and learn to treat these situations with dignity and tact. If they are secure in their relationship, this will not be an issue. If they are insecure, it will always be an issue. My ex-daughter-in-law and I are still friends, and always will be. My son and his new girlfriend are aware of this fact, and have come to terms with it. They can all attend an event and be sociable with each other and all the exes involved. Sounds like it's time for your son and daughter-in-law to do the same.

I am so sorry to hear that your son can actually take a lifetime of love and throw it away. Why dont you email him and her and tell them how you feel and that you would never do anything to hurt them. Reiterate that in your email and that them not being in your life is as much of a loss to you as a death. Just as you posted here tell her that you always wanted her for your son not anyone else and that her being a part of your life is a blessing. As a parent we make changes to please our children and that is a given but there comes a time when you need to be taken care of as you cared for them. I dont think it is a good idea to tell them that you wont be her friend, just make sure that you respect them when they are together and not mention her. Who you chose to be friends with is not really their business not should you seek their approval. Remember that in your email you are just reinforcing the love you have for them and the loss you feel since this whole mess. That is all you can do, dont apologize for something that you didnt do or that will be expected of you later. Just tell them you love them and when they are ready you will be there with open arms.

I am sorry your son has shut you out like this. I sadly have no advice to give you, just wanted to say that your son and his wife have no business treating you this way. They must have expected it, if this whole group have been friends since school, then they must have known that the mom to be and ex are friends. How awful of them to hold you responsible for this. Sounds like they have much growing up to still do.

My advice may seem pretty cold. I think you should definitely limit your interaction with your son's ex. The way you wrote your request, it wasn't just your daughter-in-law that was upset. Your SON was also upset. I don't believe that you should have gone against the mother-to-be's wishes and not invited the ex. However, casual social interaction is all that is appropriate for you with your son's ex. Until your son is accepting of the friendship you have with her, I don't believe it would be right for you to pursue it. You are an adult, his mother and he should respect you, yes. However, this is HIS ex girlfriend, not just some woman you met randomly. He deserves priority over her because you love him and don't want to hurt him. This is disrespecting his relationship with his wife. Whether you are close to your daughter-in-law or not, their relationship deserves your support. Which means more to you??? That said, you are not the main person in his life anymore. His wife has to come before you. If he doesn't put her first (after God) and be her best friend, then their relationship will not last. They will have children together someday and they have to unify to parent them. He needs a life partner now and you can't be it. When children become adults we have to let them go and separate from them. I'm sure I don't fully understand how this realization must hurt you, but I do dread the day that I go through this. I started thinking about how hard it is going to be to keep a relationship with my son (only 1 and 1/2 years) as he grows up, when I was pregnant with him. I have a daughter and I don't worry so much about her because I have a great relationship with my Mom. But, I know it's different with boys. Some day I will no longer be the most important person in his life. But, if I want him to have a rewarding and full life (and grandkids) I'll have to let go.

Dear A.,
Hello, my name is M. and I'm the mother of three grown sons now. My Oldest is married and now has three beautiful children, middle son is single and not involved with anyone and my youngest is going to college, working, engaged to a great girl who is also going to college. I read and reread your post and then read all the answers below. I would also like to say that I also consider all three of my sons my best friends also. I became aware of the importance of this relationship after my sons started growing up and now out of this respect I encourage my husband to go visit my mother in law (without me for that one on one time) - who I found very intimidating when I was first married. Your new daughter in law could be feeling this about you and your relationship with your son and is somewhat jealous. Personally if I was in your position I would send this new daughter flowers with an invitation to a ""girls only"" lunch. And then just let her know, she's loved and a valuable member now of your family. Explain that you understand how she must of felt to see the ''ex'' at the party but she is your sons choice (and the better one also). I believe if she feels love and support from you and that you are now including her in your close relationship with your son, she will eventually get over the insecurities that she's feeling now. She is the "new kid" on the block - so to speak and needs that extra one on one time with you who is in her eyes the matriarch of the family. With time and your support and love she will come around. Next girls only” lunches bring in the other your other daughter in law and just have fun. I love to spend time with my daughter in law and my son's finance. We've even over the past years have to get up after Thanksgiving at some outrages morning hour to hit the black Friday sale at the local Wal Mart to get matching pj's. My son's fiancé says this is the craziest thing we do but she loves it and looks forward to this now every year. Maybe just those little times we spend together 'no guys allowed' have somehow strengthened our bond. I'm not trying to say I'm the perfect mother in law but I hope that somehow this will help you find your own way to that relationship with your new daughter.
Hugz and Luv
M.

I really can not understand why your son is not speaking to you knowing you had nothing to do with that invitation, perhaps there is a little communication problem between you and him and he doesn't know that part of the story...Your sister in law is very insecure and that is something she needs to overcome because she can not go trough life hiding from girls that dated her husband in the past.. very wrong and immature on her part..Don't worry about it your son will soon realize that he is wrong and he will be back to be your best friend.

I don't think your son has taken the time to really hear what you have to say, if he did, he most likely would not be giving you the silent treatment.

I recently had a situation on my job (not family) where one of the employee's misunderstood me and was furious with me. I apologized but didn't really feel like I owed him an apology. He yelled at me in front of my boss and threw his hands in the air and walked away. I noticed that everytime he passed me he would not say a word to me and would look the other way. Later on that day before he left work, I apologized again, but didn't feel that I owed him an apology. He accepted my apology and said it was over and done with. One week later, silent treatment. Two weeks later, same thing. I talked with my manager who felt this went on too long. So, I cornered him and said that he was holding on to something that happened 2 weeks ago. An apology was made which he accepted and didn't return one for the word's he spoke to me not to mention yelling at me. I told him that he needed to grow up and see it for what it is. I told him that I am not going to walk around feeling like I did something wrong when I had done nothing wrong. It was a misunderstanding and that in our job we have to communicate. He got angry again, but the next day when I saw him and said good morning to him. He acknowledged me and did the same. Now, it is amazing how much he talks to me.

All this to say... You love your son and his wife. Stand up, take authority and address the situation without fear. If you know that you had nothing to do with the other girl being there, tell them without fear. Tell them that it was not your place to invite that girl and that you would never have put them in that situation. Address it, tell them that they have nothing on you and that you will no longer feel guilty for something that you had nothing to do with. Tell them that if they CHOOSE to be angry with you then it's on them. But that you CHOOSE TO FORGIVE THEM FOR BEING ANGRY WITH YOU FOR THIS LONG WHEN YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Tell them that you love them too much to do something like that. At this point, the ball is in their court.

A. first of all I'm a Mom of older childern.It wasn't your fault about the list.But then you say that the ex is the one you wanted for your son.That isn't going to help with the new daughter in-law.Than you go on to say that you and your husband paid for the wedding no help from the brides family.Maybe I'm reading you wrong but I think the problem is that you really wanted the other girl in your life.Yes I do have a son ,someday he'll bring the girl of his dreams and say Mom I found her.It's hard we think like Mom's no one is going to be the right one for our sons and the one we want isn't what he wants ,face it.

I am presently in a struggle with my own family regarding loyalty. I dated someone a year ago and another sibbling has decided to persue a relationship with this person. I know that it is not the same scenario but the bottom line is LOYALTY. As parents we are the only one that can teach our children that and you have to realize that he needs you to choose him and his new wife over this other girl. Please save the relationship with your son. The Lord will heal the heart of the girl who can no longer be in the family.

Dear A.,
I am the mother of 6, several of whom are married. This exact set of circumstances has never happened to me; however, as you well know, a daughter-in-law is very different from a daughter. Daughter-in-laws simply do not react to you the same way as a daughter. This being said, A., I feel you should always be yourself. You have explained your feelings and were genuine. You had nothing to do with the guest list. If your son and daughter-in-law cannot or will not accept this, give them some time. Attempt another honest discussion of what your thoughts on the shower and the friendship with the ex girlfriend are. I have maintained a friendship with an ex girlfriend of one of my boys; however, I keep it very low key and personal. The ex girlfriend and my son are both married to different people, and it's ok. Each has a family, and that's ok. We do not have family picnics together. As I have stated, I keep that relationship with the ex girlfriend very low key and personal. Perhaps, you should consider the same.
It is unfortunate that nobody thought to let the new wife know about the guest list; but, it did happen, and you were not to blame.

Good Luck ! Best Wishes.

I am so sorry for what your going through. This is a nightmare situation. They totally need to step outside of the situation and look at it from an outide perspective. I guarantee your son would love to patch things up too and probably his wife would too. I don't think you should apologize, except to reiterate that your sorry she was there, but maintain that you had nothing to do with that and would never put them in that position. I also think you should talk to your daughter in law and let her know how much you care about her and are so glad that she is with your son (I think I read your post right that you are glad she is with your son and not the ex). Tell them you don't like the seperation and that you feel like your missing a best friend. It's all true. What could they say to that. If it seems like not enough time has passed yet maybe write it down in words. I can't imagine that they would still be angry with you after hearing what you just wrote to us. And if that doesn't work make them stick thier nose in the corner. Just kidding. I really hope they come around. I can't imagine my son being mad at me like that and he is only 7.

ETA: I just read some other responses and I have to say i'm shocked. People telling you to give them a tongue lashing or telling you to let the ex's friendship go. I have to say I don't agree. Everyone has feelings. Your dil, your son, the ex and YOU! I see how badly you want this to be over and back to normal. I don't understand how come adults can't be civil to each other. Didn't they know the other dil might invite her since they are freinds. If I was the one getting married I would want my family and my friends thier and if they can't put aside thier differences and be civil then don't even come. Thier issue is with themselves feeling threatened and that is ridiculous.
I have a wierd situation with my husband. He was in a relationship with his brothers wifes mother (weird I know). A year later he and I met. She hated me at first. But I stayed civil when I was around her and awhile we became friends and now I think we are beyond being civil and really are friends. I think you should tell them exactly how you feel. Sometimes we need to handle other peoples feeling with some love and respect. And some of these responders need to go back and watch Sesame Street and other kiddie shows and learn some compassion for others.

My daughter got married two year ago and our son ex-girlfriend and my daughter were classmates and friends. So she was in the wedding party as so was his new girl friend. My family is also close. It's just my husband and I and our two children. We're all very fond of the ex-girl friend.

First of all your son and daughter-in-law needes to know that this event was NOT about THEM. It was for YOUR daughter and that the ex is your daughter friend.

Just like my daughter wedding was FOR my daughter. It was not about my son and his girlfriend. And I must say everything went smoothly. So sweetheart your son and daughter-in-law needes to grow up and get over it. And why are they mad at you? Was it your shower? And if it was and you did invite the ex, who are they to say who you can and can't invite? Again it's not nor, was it about them!!!!!!!

Your son and daughter-n-law need to GROW UP! They are married and if they are secure why let an EX "anything" upset their family life and especially stop talking to you when you had nothing to do with it. The grown up thing to do is say hello (if the need arises) and go on with what your doing!

My advice to you is to sit them both down and give them a good tongue lashing! Life is hard enough without giving into childish pettiness...

As the mom of 6, all married and on their own, I think your son and his wife have some real maturity problems. She didn't find him hidden under a rock just waiting for her and I would bet she wasn't a shrinking violet who never talked to another guy. They need to both reallize the world does not revolve around them. I once heard someone say that we would all quit worrying about what other people thought of us if we knew just how little they ever thought of us. Sounds kind of harsh but I think it is true.
If someone had invited the other girl to a function honoring one of them they might have a legitimate beef, but they just need to get over this. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!!!!!

A., this really is sad and I think your son and daughter in law are acting childish as it was not your party nor did you send the invitations. If I were you I would go over to there house w/ a bottle of wine one evening this week and again tell them that you love and miss them both and would like to get this behind you. I think you will have to more speak to your daughter in law as I think she is the one that has the problem with it and your son is supporting his wife, which he should, however I don't think they can expect from you not to talk to the exgirlfriend anymore as you have your own life. I just would not tell them you will not discuss their life or anything that concerns them with the ex. They will come around... he is your son and this is not significant enough to not ever want to talk to his mom anymore, of course his wife may see this as an opportunity to cut the cord between him and you, as we know wife's don't necessarily like it when the husbands talk to mama every day... Good luck and let me know how it goes.
About me... I am a 41 year old mom and now grandma as of last week. I have a wonderful husband, 14, 16 year old boys and and a 24 year daughter w/ 1 week old granddaughter... oh and my name is A..

Hi..I'm not an older mom but I still comuticate with my ex's mother. Only a couple times a year but we still talk and keep in touch. My ex is happily married as am I. We dated for 10 years, ages 16 to 26. Our relationship ended on a friendly basis as it did with his family. I know that his current wife does not have the kind of relationship that she would like to have with him mom, and in the beginning she was threatened that his mom and I still talked (even if it was twice a year). I don't know how she feels now, but what I decided was that I was an adult talking to another adult that I just so happened to have a positive relationship with. Even though I was no longer dating him, didn't mean I had to stop talking with his mom. Maybe your daughter in law feels you might have had a better relationship with his ex, and remember she is pregnant and more emotional right now. I'm sorry you all haven't spoken in a while but things will turn around in time. Just let them known you are there...send a card to let them know you are thinking of them. Or pick up the phone and say you miss and love them - sometimes that's all children need to hear no matter how old they are. Good Luck!

Hi, I'm Shaena Bailey. This story struck me in a way that I must answer. I am, by no means, an older mom. But I can give you a little from the other end of the story, probably. I'm 21 and was just married and have two kids (Therefore I'm a new daughter in law and also have a very caring mother in law, like you). One of my kids is a 2 yr old boy and one's a 5 month old girl. I see that your son and daughter in law were invited to someone ELSE'S baby shower right? It is not their baby shower to pick who's invited and who's not, right? It's your other daughter in law's shower, whom SHE was friends with, right? I agree with you totally on this. You should stand your ground with your son and daughter in law (the one who's, more or less, "insecure.") After all, they would want their friends coming to their shower. If you're invited to a shower, party, etc..It is not up to you to chose the guests even if you are family. If she's not comfortable in the situation then she can skip it or bare it and grin at the shower.

I hope I've been of a little help.

I'm not sure the whole story is here. If your other daughter-in-law who is expecting made the guest list - then why are your son and DIL mad at you? What was your part in the shower? Did you hostess it? Anyway - they need to get over it. If you've all known one another for 8 years and they were all in school together, then they're bound to run into one another from time to time. I'm willing to bet that if you act as though you did nothing wrong instead of apologizing all over the place, they'll come around. Did something happen at the shower that made them mad? I can't believe her just being there caused this kind of division. Just concentrate on your other 4 kids and he'll come around.

Hi A., Sorry the kids are throwing you a big guilt trip. Take a deep breath, relax and leave the drama to them. This is THEIR problem, not yours. Remember, as my older daughter told me, things will never be the same. Now, you have a whole different set of dynamics in play. You have your life with your wants, needs and desires. They have their's. So, get your big girl panties on and get on with it !!!!! (advise from #2 dtr) Call a friend and go out to lunch, then go get something special 'just for you' (even if it''s a hot fudge sundae) You've obviously spent your life focused on your kids....Now it's time to put them on a different level of attention and pay attention to yourself and your husband. I know it'll be hard at first, but everyone will benifit in the end.
Hugs, Sarah C

About me......65 y/o mother of 2 grown girls with one son and one son-in-law, and 3 grown/married grandkids.

For whatever reason your son & daughter in law are hurt. If it makes them that uncomfortable for you to be around someone that USED to be in your sons life then what your FAMILY wants should be a priority. You may not know all the reasons they are uncomfortable. I have problems with my mother in law because she treats me like her sons wife & not a new daughter.

What you need to do is sit down with the daughter in law that is the friend of the x girlfriend. Tell her about the problem explain to her how she would feel if it were the other way around, and I am sure the both of you can understand how your other daughter in law feels. When it comes to family sometimes we have to give up somethings to gain something else having this x girlfriend around at gatherings that your son and daughter are present at will only cause conflict in the family. If your daughter in law disagrees then you need to put your foot down and let her know that you and the daughter in law will not join her celebrations when the x girlfriend is present. Let her know you would do thing same for her if the shoe was on the other foot. Friends are fun but family is forever.

Knowing someone like your daughter in law - you will have to give up the other relationship if you want the one with her to be good. This will probably be a lifetime trust issue with her and you will just have to love and pray her through it or love her all your life with it. It most likely has nothing to do with you and she can probably not identify the root of it herself. You will have to put yourself second and her needs first. Explain to the other that you love her as well but the past choices of she and your son to date have caused this issue and although you are caught in the middle that you have to support your son in his choice of a wife, whom you also love. And that in time you pray that your precious daughter in law will be lifted up in this area of her life and free of the bondage. Ask your other friend to also pray for the healing of this other wonderful lady. Apologize to your sweet daughter in law and empithize with her in the pain of having to sit with someone that was once close to her husband. I can share with you that I don't think this is not something that we as an outsider can change in those that are afflicted. Only the Lord can fill her need for security in this issue and you as the Mother in law need to support her in prayer and loving action or the rest of your years of relationship will always be tainted with betrayal in her mind. You have grandchildren to consider, you have a son to consider, you have the peace in your heart and house to consider. There is a lot at stake here and it is not about what is fair, b/c life is not fair, it is about how to make the best with what we have and the big picture and the long term consequences of having our way when we want them. The long term back lash might not be worth the victory in being vindicated that "you did not do anything wrong". The victory will be in the sweet love between you and your daughter in law as the days turn into weeks turn into month that turn into years when she comes to you for advice, and you to help with the grandbabies and you as a prayer partner. I have seen the mother in law at odds with the daughter in law game, it is an ugly thing to behold and the son and grandchildren are stuck in the middle of constant strife. An old girlfriend is worth such long term pain. The loss will always be a pang in your heart, I again speak from experience, but you will always know that you made the right choice when you see smiling faces around your table.

Well, A., I feel your pain. I can't help wondering, however, why they're lashing out at you when you've explained that the invitation was made by another? If you have already tried to make peace to no avail, shake the dust off your sandals and leave them alone for a while. It sounds like someone wants to nurse a hurt. If that's the case, there's nothing you can do about it.

Maybe you son's Christian values will rise to the fore and he'll make contact. I know you don't plan to close the door on that possibility, but don't grovel over it either. If you are satisfied that you've made an adequate explanation/apology, let it go for now and see what God will answer to your prayers. Best wishes!

Hi A.,

I think you have received some good advice here. I am the mom of four grown sons. Two of my sons are married. I am blessed with two great daughter-in-laws. I don't have all the answers, by any means. I do recall that, when a newlywed myself, I perceived that my mother-in-law did not support me in a number of ways. Now that I'm older (and hopefully, wiser, I realize that I probably overreacted.) However, I have to say that, if your relationship with the old girlfriend bothers your new daughter-in-law, you have to rethink your priorities. While you and others may think she is overreacting, it's important to her. Why not write a letter to your son and his wife, telling them how much you love them. Let them know that you respect their feelings, and that you want to continue to have a close relationship with them. You are at a stage where you are all defining your roles, and there will be growing pains. Your daughter-in-law is now the main woman in your son's life. While your relationship with you son may not be what it was before his marriage, you can have a close relationship with both your son and his wife.

Hi, A.. I am an older mother also. When my oldest daughter got married my husband and I paid for everything, but we were not allowed to help with any of the planning, etc. My son-in-law's mother even helped my daughter pick out her wedding dress...I wasn't part of any of it. I say that to say this--it hurts badly when our children turn away from us as adults. BUT they do come back. When they are hurt, or ill, or broke, or whatever, they come back. When they do, and we are there for them, they remember why they always loved us. They remember that mama will always love them and be there for them. God bless you as you work thru this. I hope your son learns soon! B.

Its childish of your son and his new wife to expect everyone to sever long time friendships simply because they got married. You can't tell the mom-to-be who she can and can't invite, that is a selfish and immature attitude to have. If your new daughter in law is so insecure in her relationship with your son even though SHE is the one he married, then the problem is between them, not with you.

As a mom, I know you want to do whatever it takes to keep your family intact, I would feel the same way. I would call them, make the attempt to open the lines of communication, after that the ball is in their court. This is 100% a guess on my part, but I ask because it is my brothers/mothers situation, and my mom goes thru alot of similar grief. Does your daughter in law run your son's life? Is she very demanding and spoiled? If so, then just put on your seat belt and get ready for a ride because if she is anything like my sister in law, it is just going to be one big drama after another.

Hopefully your situation is not like my moms :) and this was just a one time incident and they will get over it :)

A., your son needs a spanking. Tell him to grow up and stop treating you that way...you will not allow it. Stand up for yourself, give him a good what-for and tell him to get over it, then don't talk about it any more. I would even include his wife in this conversation, but don't let them say a word until you are finished. It sounds like he is the one who doesn't want the two gals talking...is there something that he is hiding from his new wife that is making him so paranoid? Either way it is not in any way your fault and don't let your child turn the tables on you...you are the mother!

I think you should invite your son to lunch and explain that you would never do anything to him or his wife to intentionally hurt him. Whether you stay in touch with your friend should not be an issue here. You did nothing wrong. You are an adult, and you certainly do not need your son’s permission on who you will be friends with. You don't need to remind him of that of course as that will only create more tension. You just need your son to know that you respect his marriage, that you love him, and that you would not do anything to hurt him. Ask his forgiveness and move on down the road. If he does not forgive you, that’s completely on him.

I was in a similar situation. I dated someone when I was 18, now 35. We lived together a few years. He had a drug problem and I left him. Told him to get sober at least a year and then I would date him again. I was extremely close with his family. After I left him, the mother was so upset that I hurt him. She sheltered him all of his life. Many years later, she realized that it was him and not me. He has only been clean just over a year now. I have been back in the family for almost 10 of those years. I'm not saying be total friends with the ex and forget about the wife, but the wife has got to realize that she is the one your son chose, not the ex. There will be a time that your son will need you and will be back. I'm sure it is extremely painful. Just try to hold on a little longer and maybe your son will realize the insecurities of his wife.

I hope you got something out of that.

I have been the wife....and I wanted to share my experience. I never really had any insecurity issues with my husband, I actually tried to get my now husband and his ex back together while we had started dating. My only issue was his ex has made a huge scene for the past four years. She has spread rumors about me, said false information about their relationship, even told her parents things to make them upset with my husband (upset enough for her dad to show up at my husbands job to 'talk'). Do they have a right to be mad at you for the shower? I dont think so, because it was not your shower nor theirs....in that situation I think your daughter in law is being a bit of a drama queen. Now as far as your relationship with the ex? If you can be respectful about it, and the ex is respectful of the fact that your son is married and happy I think you can keep in touch without any harm. I dont mean meet for coffee every friday, but you can share an email here and there. I still send my ex boyfriend's mom pictures of my daughter regularly and let her know how my new family is doing, in fact my husband and my ex get along well. however, if the ex is anything like my husbands ex please dont let your daughter in law suffer the way i have. I am not a confrontational person so it took four years for me to finally tell her to leave us alone! Maybe I used this to vent about my anger toward that girl!!! :P Good Luck...and it will blow over...i have been going through situation after situation for the past four years :)

I am not an older mom, but I have been through a similar situation and if I was betting there is much more to your son and his ex-girlfriends relationship than you would ever know, because your son isn't going to tell you all the details of their relationship, but you can bet his new wife knows and is hurt by any friendship you or others might have with a person who probably hurt your son terribly. It is not your fault that you don't know. Ask them what the old girlfriend did to make them hate her so much. YOu might be surprised. YOur new inlaw might not be so insecure as you might think. She might just love your son beyond words and hate how he was treated. Just a thought.

I am not an older mom, but I have had friends at that age who were immature and insecure.

Your son and wife need to grow up. Can your other daughter in law talk to them...or are they not speaking to her either? The whole jr high/high school drama needs to stop. You can be friends with whoever you choose. Do you choose your son and daughter-in-law's friends?

I hope they grow up in time to not ruin the wonderful relationship they can have with you. Yes, you are going to have disagreements, but this is just childish. I think someone needs to put them in their place (someone other than you) so they can see how childish and insecure they are being.

I wish you the best of luck!

Hi A.,

Considering you weren't the one who made up the invite list, I don't understand why your son and DIL-to-be are upset with you. You've already spoken your peace, so let time heal their self-inflicted wounds. Also, while you shouldn't actively pursue a friendship with the ex-girlfriend, there is no need for you to be offensive to her either.

(One of my greatest pet-peeves are children who *itch & moan about their parents but at the same time are more than "entitled" to their parents' financial support, whether it be for education, wedding, car, etc...)

I have been on the flip side of that coin and while I now see the era of my ways I can tell you that the feelings that I felt were very really. I see now some issues are better left alone but it does not sound like your daughter in law is not there yet. You obviously love and care for your son and your daughter in law a great deal or you would not have posted your dilemma here for all to see. My suggestion is to continue showing them that love you have for them through simple daily gestures and they'll start to come around. I don't think apologizing, for the sake of apologizing, if you feel like there is nothing to apologize for, is a very good idea. Apologizing should always be something you WANT to do not something you feel forced to do, because when it's forced it never really does anyone any good. You are doing a wonderful job! Keep up the good work.:) I hope I was helpful.

It was immature of your son and his wife to be so upset at you about the shower invitation list. Newlyweds are usually pretty insecure, so I'm not surprised at their reaction, but it doesn't make it right. Be patient while they "grow up" a little and learn from this mistake. If it helps any--I've been on bad terms with my mom so we didn't speak, but not over something this petty.

I had a similar situation with a girl my son very briefly dated not being invited to the wedding. The other girl & her family have been friends of ours for years & attend our church.

I was told by my now daughter-in-law if the other family was invited there would be no wedding. It seemed odd to me as if you're the one getting my son why would someone else be a threat. Anyway, the other family was not invited & they were hurt.

It was a couple of years before I ran into the other girl who was then married & had a child. I told her how sorry I was about the whole situation, but it was out of my hands.

We've had to terminate our relationship with that family out of consideration of how my daughter-in-law feels. It's the only way to keep peace in the family.

I would apologize to your son & explain your regret over the situation & your promise to make sure it doesn't happen again. He probably wants your allegence to him & his wife over the other girl.

Once you apologize don't get needy. Just wait for him to come back to you. This will blow over if you leave it alone. Time heals many things. Just don't ever mention it again & act like it was a once in a lifetime mistake.

If you move on to life as normal they will too. It just might take them a little longer. After some time has passed invite them over for dinner with no mention of the shower.

I know it's hard not to have the same relationship with your son, but he is married now & that shift should go to his wife. Sorry, but it's the truth. You know the scripture about leaving & cleaving to your wife. It's true.

Blessings,

I am not an older mom, but I just had to answer this one! I don't think you have done anything wrong. If you have tried to explain to them that this was not your doing and they do not except that, then that is something they will have to deal with as a couple. The wife sounds like she has issues with being insecure and she needs to deal with that. I don't see anything wrong with you being friends with his ex-girlfriend. My mother talks with my ex-boyfriend and my husband does not have an issue with it. It sounds to me like she has a lot of growing up to do. There are going to be other times in her life that there might be ex's and she is going to have to deal with it. And know that he loves her and that he married her and not the ex. So he must have found something special in her and she needs to know that.

Prayer is the best advice I can give. I'm an older Mom and had some issues with my younger daughter. I have continued to talk to her and let her know I still love her regardless of our disagreement. Since I turned it over to God and let him deal with her in his own time, I seem to have a little more peace about the situation. I think you can have the same thing since you seem to be a Christian. A question I have for you is have you told your daughter-in-law what you told your son about the shower and about you wanting her for your son. Maybe if that message came from you in a loving way, she might begin to soften her heart and realize that you only want whats best for she and your son.

Emotions are a very powerful thing. Your dil must have thought you had to have something to do with this. She will get over it, hopefully the Christian Values you taught your son will come to fruition. Pray for them and forgive them for your own sake. My in laws have been divorced longer than my parents have been married, that will be 31 years in June. It makes a difference what your dil home life is like, maybe she has never known the love that you show your kids. Needless to say mother in law/daughter in law relationships are often fragile to begin with. My mil felt like I was stealing her son and even left a note on the front door of our home while we were on our honeymoon: "Wives come and go but mothers are forever." I can't tell you how that hurt me, but I have forgiven her for my own sake. Bitterness never leads to anything good. But I will say that even though my husband stands up for me he stands up for his mother too. Your son will come around, you never know he may be fighting for you everyday and you just don't know it. Pray and then pray some more, for open hearts and forgiveness. From what you have said you have not done anything wrong, the baby shower was not for your own daughter, that would have been a whole other ball of wax. She has her own family and they have their own ideas. Don't worry, try to make them both feel like she is a part of the family. And you have each others backs, like "She invited her, that is just terrible. I will have a talk with her . . ." Validate her feelings and move on. But no more apologizing you didn't do it. I am a daughter in law of eight years and a mom of two. I don't know how you feel but I know God does.

Hi.Sorry you are going threw this.I have been on both sides.I have a older son that at one time dis-owned me over his girl friend.I learned to be supportive and let him learn from his own mistakes.This was very hard as I have raised him alone for all his life and he was always my little man.I had to give, if I wanted him in my life.The other side of it is my fiancee's family. They are very different than mine.They dont see any problem with inviting exes to family events.I HAVE FELT VERY UNCONFORTABLE when this has happened to me.He is very supportive of my feelings and also thinks its really messed up.I think that if your son is happy no matter how long you have known the ex.you should respect his new life and not make waves bringing the ex into family events.She is an EX. I also undertand that you and your other daughter in law like her.Thats your choice but i feel that throwing the other woman into thier faces is kinda rude.I would explain that to your other daughter-in-law.I think someone should have told them that she was invited and let them make their decision on going to the shower or not.I dont think it is a matter of insecuities .If they had children together Yes they would all have to be civil but they shouldnt be expected to HANG OUT with her.Real life is not like the show ,REBA.I think you should respect their feelings.Tell them how you feel.If you chose to stay in contact with the ex do it on your time.Think about how you would feel if you were put in this situation.

Your son is keeping peace with his wife. It has nothing to do with his love for you. What choice does he have? If he sides with you it means (to her) that he is choosing you over her. Just be patient, take the high road, and if there is a sibling who has any sense maybe he/she will talk to the two of them and get through to them that A/ you did not make up the guest list and B/ you have a perfect right to be courteous to anyone you choose to be courteous to.

If you are patient things will work out fine and I promise, this has nothing to do with your son's love for you. Also, don't expect him to interact with you as before. He is now married and you are not his main point of interest. Sorry, but true. I have two sons, married, call me once a week and boy am I lucky to have that..You have to do some adjusting too.

Good luck and as I was told one time.. wear beige, keep your mouth shut, and don't have expectations. Good advice from someone with 8 children and a zillion grands.

Nan F.

I have to agree that your son and daughter in law have to come to their senses and know that you are not in charge of who gets invited to what! I hope that your son misses you terribly and just between you and me, I'm pretty sure that this not talking is at her insistance, not your son's but he doesn't want to go against his new wife. Give it a little time and be loving and they'll come around, and you don't have to give up your friendship with no one! just don't invite her to your house and be sure that she knows it's only because your trying to keep the peace with your son and his wife! Take care and God bless all of you!

I'm an older mom and have 14 neices and nephews-we've been through it all. Curtesy toward your son and his choice (whom you've already said you approve of) of wife would dictate that the guest list of the party should have been looked over better by the person responsible for the party and you and your son and his wife should hav been consulted to see if it would be an issue. If you were giving it along with the other woman, then you should have asked to look it over and brought it to his attention. That way they could have been spared the shock of seeing her and mentally prepared.

As far as in the future, you can still be in contact with the ex, but it shouldn't happen at the same time you're visiting with your son's family and the ex shouldn't be talked about with your son and his family unless they ask. It's a time of new beginnings and your son's family deserves time to establish itself, and that includes the new relationship you will have with him and her as well.

You mentioned him being your best friend, that too must evolve. His wife deserves to be his best friend and to not to have to feel like she may be competeing with you. It's only normal and natural for him to now tell her everything and you some of everything. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you as much, it just means he's growing up and has entered into a healthy relationship like I'm sure you've always wanted him to. At the same time, you deserve time to mourn the passing of your old relationship. Now would be the time to focus on your 10 yr old and maybe make your husband your new best friend.

The ex is a part of his past and they should be able to move on past her and without her as much as possible. Afterall, he didn't choose to spend his life with her, but someone else. As they mature the ex may be perceived as a non threat and a non reminder of his past and can be reintroduced into family gathereings. If they all know each other, you may not realize some of the issues that arose between the 3 of them at some time causing some of the stress maifesting itself as her insecurities.

The ex also bears responsibility to this issue. Out of consideration to your son and his new wife, she should have politely declined the invitation or just been busy elsewhere that day regardless of her feelings or lack of feelings for him.

Wow, what a blessing to have such a mother as yourself, some of us could be so lucky...sounds like inmaturity from the part of the new wife. I don't think begging is your answer, you mentioned Christian values, so try prayer- for nothing is impossible with God. Also you initiated an apology although this is not your fault, they are adults now and if they wish to act like teens, that's all you can offer. I feel like that you love all your children, sometimes they have to realize on their own that they too can make mistakes and from the influences of others they can easily be mislead, however the love between a child and mother is bound forever . As far as the friendships, I suggest that you find out if there was something more than being placed in a situation that you had no control of, if there was nothing more than that then your apology should be sufficient. Do not allow one person to manipulate whom you chose to befriend or to hurt your relationship with your son, continue to email him even if it's just to say that you love him and include that you love your new daughter in law just as well. Sounds a bit prideful that they have carried it so long. All of us have been stepped on a time or two, we can choose to get over it or live bitter about it. What a subtraction for the mother to be special time, those are moments when the guests put their selves aside and have joy for the celebration of a new life.
I'll pray that things work out for you all.

I think you should sit down and talk to your son and his wife. Explain the situation and tell them exactly how you feel. The other girl is exactly that and your son and daughter in law need to get over it. I wouldn't give into their manipulative ways - one day they will regret treating you so rudely. They should be ashamed of themselves!

Hi! I'm not an older mom, I'm only 28 (with four girls) but I'd like to share some things from the young married person's perspective:

Her insecurities may not be related to this woman merely being an ex, but due to factors you may be completely unaware of. For instance, my husband's exgf found ways to spend time with him all the time, asking his assistance with things ect ("Paul, I need a screw driver and can't find mine. Can I borrow yours?" even though she lived half an hour away.) It caused great stress between us and I refused to allow her in our lives. She also called her other exbf while he was sleeping and would argue with his live in gf about waking him up so she could talk to him. She was practically a stalker.

My exbf treated me horribly and yet I still had some inkling of feelings for him and when my husband wanted to have him spend regular time with us, I was very bothered by that. I finally had to go into more detail then I ever wanted to about how I was treated. Detail I would have NEVER told my parents or inlaws. So, don't be so quick to judge them.

Also, you said until now your son has been your best friend. That's very sweet, but you're experiencing something very common for mothers when their sons get married- the loss of a friend. You may feel that he replaced you with the new woman, no matter how much you like her. She is his new best friend, and that's a GOOD thing. Our children are not meant to be our best friends. They are still in the newly wed phase, but after a while he may spend more time with you.

I won't lie by saying that things will be the same, because they probably won't. But perhaps you should send a sweet card or email to your son saying that you miss him and want to have some time with him- meet for lunch during the work week or something where his wife doesn't feel that she's being left out (if she works, that is.)

S.

I am SO sorry about this! I have been in the same situation in a way. My husband and I met when we were 16 years old. His parents moved to a new and SMALL town after we graduated, his parents were best friends with a wonderful couple - one who even threw us a wedding shower. They, of course, had a daughter that my husband dated right before we got married. Needless to say, she is a very nice person. The first time I met her was at The Nutcracker in Dallas. My mother in law bought tickets for my sister in law and myself. We also met her best friend with her 2 girls. It was uncomfortable but my husband was married to me - not her. Everyone has a past and I understand that - and my husband has dated some incredibly beautiful and ever so kind people but he is with me now and we are happier than ever with almost 10 years under our belt. I have NEVER been jealous because clearly I won so to speak. I just think of it as my husband having good taste in women. Don't let his silence stop you from making your efforts - call him and plan lunch or dinner or something and let him know up front that this was not intentional at all and it is really hurting you because of the relationship you shared with him - make sure you also express your desire for a better relationship with his wife as well. Getting used to a mother in law first in your marriage is a challenge for a young woman - I have been there. Just make sure she knows that you are there for both of them and not only your son. It's hard even if you have the best mother in law in the whole world - unfortunately my mother in law passed away 3 years ago. I would give anything to have that back but I'm so glad that we were like mother & daughter all over again.

I have a different but similar situation. I am the daughter in law and my husbands step mother was never my biggest fan... I really really tried, but after 5 years of "issues", sadly we are all now estranged. My husband and I would love his parents to feel like you; willing to fight for the relationship. I think if you just tell them that you love them both very much and want to be in their lives it ought to do the trick. Maybe not immediately, but surely sooner than later. All the best-

A.,

I couldn't help but comment on this one. I am 48yrs old and when I was in college my best friend stole my high school boyfriend. My boyfriends Mom (let's call her Mom #1) stayed friends with me, her son (my high school boyfriend) died of cancer a year later, and my best friend left town after his death. So me and Mom #1 still are very good friends and each time we talk we pick up where we left off. Needless to say I mourned his death for years.

At 38 I married for 8 yrs divorced for 3 yrs now and my x-husband has recently remarried. My x-motherinlaw (let's call Mom #2) never calls me, only speaks to our child when she is with her Dad, etc. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate Mom #1 who continued to be my friend when I was befriended, who cared about what was going on in my life, who helped me overcome the death of her son. I only feel said that Mom #2 could not treat me the same way.

In my opinion it is up to you to teach your children the morals of life and how to respect and treat other people in all aspects of life. They are young and will respect you for it later in life. Just keep treat everyone as you would want to be treated yourself and hopefully all the dirty laundry will air out. Try to keep a low profile for a while and give them a chance to get over it. Life is worth so much more then having grudges over an x girlfriend and you must show them the way.

You have done nothing wrong. They (mostly your daugheter in law, your son is just sticking up for his wife) are being quite petty. It's one thing to be upset, but to not talk to you over it...that's just a little much. You have nothing to be forgiven for. What situation would make you happy? Focus on that dream. Release all anxiety and worry and know/believe all is well and will be well. Continue being your loving self, send messages of love..etc.

Hi A., I'm a mom with grown, married kids and one thing about 'in-law' children is that they come from different backgrounds/families. You said her family didn't help out with the wedding at all. That tells me that there are differences in her family and in your family, right? So accept that. The insecure daughter-in-law may always be that way. Your son wants to understand her and make her secure feeling, and happy and he's caught in the middle. Now he either chooses between wife's happiness or things that may give him grief like an 'old girlfriend', or he'll have alot of strife in his marriage. I'm pretty sure the 'anger and hostility' shown to you are totally from the new daughter-in-law via your son.
If it was me, I would first speak to both of them, do it with a third party, maybe your husband or another 'mature' sibling. Assure the new 'daughter' that your son chose her over anyone else, and that is what is important. Tell her that she may surely run into his old girlfriends many times, outside the house, with mutual friends of your son, malls, places she visits, etc. So she must deal with jealousy and face that fact first. Assure her that you cannot keep that from happening, so it is her decision as to how she acts and feels. Lastly, I would ask her if she ever had a boyfirend that she might see, and how she would feel if your son reacted so insecurely and intensly and 'immaturely' (should you dare say that! That's why its a good thing to have a 3rd party. I would not apologize again, as there was no wrong doing on anyone's part, was there? She will 'grow up', but it may take years. TALK TALK TALK. My daughter in law, who is a little insecure is now one of my best friends, and she says she can talk to me when she can't even talk to her best friends. So do not turn away, keep normal conversation and keep routines with them as usual. If they cannot get over this, go about your way. They should come around. Especially since no one did anything wrong. And tell your son that you do respect that he and his wife are 'one' so it would be good to make sure she feels secure in his affections...but not to blame him for her seeing his old friends. Can you tell that I hate JEALOUSLY...it's 'like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die'. AND you relax! Keep me posted! CCD

They need to so get over this and move on. What a petty thing to be upset about. The problem is this is your daughter in-law and you can't change how she feels. (Oh that mother in-law, daughter in-law relationship) My advice to you is to try and talk to your daughter in-law first and explain the situation just as you did in your letter. Take her to lunch and shopping. (buy that love back) Then speak to your son. Let them express their feelings and then you do the same. There is nothing more that you can do after that. If things work out great, if not you need to move on with your life. This will pass. Let them make the next move. As far as the other girl goes, no you should still speak to her when she is in your presence. I wouldn't go out of my way and have a relationship with the ex. That may be a slap in the face to the new daughter in-law, but you should always be kind.
PS. I have 3 boys. I feel your pain. None of them are married yet. The oldest is only 24 but I know I will always be the mother in-law. So I will have to accept any relationship I get. As I've said in other responces a son is a son until he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life. This may not be about the ex at all it may be about your relationship with your son. Just a good reason for the new wife to cut the cord.