My son just announced he proposed to his girlfriend who has two children from a previous man. They are too cute and I am excited to have them in our lives. They have their mother's parents as grandparents. They also have their father's parents as their grandparents.
Where does that leave my husband and I? We don't want to overstep our baoundries but our family is very family orientated and I know my son is looking forward to continuing his contact with our family and his cousins. I have questions from the simple to what do they call us to how to approach the subject of haivng time with the children. The ages are a 2 year old boy and a 4 year old girl. I have attended her dance recital and have taken him to our neighborhood pool which he loved.
They have had a bad experience/early childhood with their father and I can see their hesitation to trust or step out. Any suggestions would be great. Their Mom seens to be cautious as well as we have a big and outgoing (loud)family. My son is great about bringing them over when he has them when she is at work and they both come over about 2 times a month. They both work very hard and I understand that when they are off they want to rest and relax and at this time I have very little for them to do at my home for little children as mine are all adults. I don't want to move too fast as this new family is developing but I have always yearned for grandchildren and have pictured in my mind how I would be as a grandmother. My grandmother had 24 grandchildren and so there was not much one on one for any of us. What suggestions do you have? Maybe you were in a step situtaion and remember how and what you liked and did not like about having so many grandparents. I have met the m!
other's parents and they are very friendly and love my son. Thank you for helping in this issue.
C.
Dear MOMS,
I want to thank each person that took the time to give me such insite to what I am experiencing as a new grandmother. I read with much interest from those who had been the child or the girlfriend in this similar life situtation. I really had not looked at the situtation from your view point. Your comments were really such enlightening help for me.
I now understand to take it SLOW! I did not realize my joy might be misinterrpurted. I also now see that she does not know ME. I just assumed that if she loves my son she would love me just as because my son loves her I love her. I have tried all your advice and I will tell you that two wonderful things have already happened.
First, at my son's college graduation reception where he announced his engagement, my brother in law yelled out, "May I be the first to call you Grannie?!" in jest. To which I replyed "I do not know what you may call me as of yet because my grandchildren will determind that for me" A few minutes later her little girl came up to the front and got real quiet and was too afraid to speak but I noticed her wanting to say something to the crowd. Later that week my son told me she wanted to announce her name for me! I was so thrilled by her bravery. I did not ask him what was her decision for my new title as I was just thrilled she knew I wanted her input! Again I learn to wait!
Secondly, he and his fiance aksed me to accompany them to Charleston to help make some wedding plans!! I again was thrilled by her ability to include me in such a wonderful day. I thank you all for teaching me paitence and to realize that in time they will know that I want them to be a part of my life but it will be when they are ready to make their move. Again thank each of you for sharing your hearts with me and showing me sides of this issue I had not even thought about. So many of your comments were things that I had never even experienced in my and due to that I would have misunderstood the resonse that I was getting.
Keep Mothering and Grandmothering!
C.
Keep mothering.
C.
Talk with the Mom and find out what she is comfortable with then love them as if you were their only grandparents! I've known people treat the "non-blood" grandkids differiently. DON"T PLEASE! They're all family! Have fun! L.
Congratulations on the coming grandparent hood.
You might as the kids what they would like to call you. What do they call the other grandparents. If they are papa Jim, or grandpa Jim, and grandpa Joe, that would be an indicator and just be the grandparent with your name. But if they are momo and bop.. hmm they will need to come up with something for you. I had a grand son (step) that had SOO many grandparents as to be untrue. He came up with Dahby for me. From where? Who knows .. and this was before Harry Potter. My daughters decided I would be Gamma, and that is what I am to the 5 of them. They all have at least 3 sets of grand parents. My sister named herself Nana after our Nana for her many grand kids.
Gathering a few childrens books is always a good thing. A lot of kids like being read to, or if they haven't had the experience, I imagine it would be a nice way to start bonding.
K. grandparent of 5
Hi C.,
Communication is the key. Talk with the mother and let her know how you feel. Then speak with both of them. She's simply looking out for the wellbeing of her children.
You and your family sound like a great, loving group and she should be happy, and grateful, that you all are so anxious to have her children become a viable part of it.
What's wrong with Grandma C. or Granpa ? or something like that? I wish you all the best. Pray for guidance.
W.
First be yourselfs. You and your husband are experience parents so you know what to do and not to do. First I also am in a second marriage so my son Jose Angel which is 25 now and on the navy have extended family. My nusband Carlos could not have been a better step dad. Secondly like in all families there might be some bumps on the way but that is the way life is. On Carlos side the mayoroty os his family treat and see Jose Angel as part of the family and does who don't I do not worry about it. So JA has my family, his father family and now Carlos family what can be better Just include the whole family to the events and that youre family is loud and active with time they will be part of it Do not make excuses for your family no family is perfect Like I said be yourselves and offer a lot of love and fun
What a blessing you will be for those kids :) I have step grandparents and both sets of real grandparents. I am also in a situation much like the one your son is in except I play the role of the girlfriend with kids. The best thing you can do is be patient. The kids are very young and you probably have nothing to worry about. Let the kids make the decisions about what they want to call you, how often they want to visit and what kinds of activities they want to do while visiting. The most important thing to do is go out of your way to make mom and the kids feel like part of the family. Invite her to bring the kids to the pool or out to lunch for some one on one time by calling her directly. Spend some time getting to know her. Find out what her parenting style is and always be sure to ask for mom's permission regarding anything to do with the little ones. My boyfriends mother has made me and my girls feel welcome in her home and b/c I love her dearly my girls naturally adore her.
My dad re-married when I was 11... so a bit older. As you said... just don't push too hard. I still remember the new relatives that freaked me out because they were over-eager! It is a confusing time for the youngsters. Even if this a positive thing in their lives, it's still bound to be overwhelming. Let them come to you. Let your son/d-i-l know they are welcome any time or maybe that you are happy to babysit. Maybe you can ask them what they'd like to call you. Take your time. It sounds like you are wonderful grandparents. It will come. And it's not too hard to entertain kids. Mine spent tons of time last weekend playing with my in-laws shell collection. Another thing they love to do with Grandma is help make cookies. You can always pick up some bubbles, some crayons and coloring books, sidewalk chalk, a ball, an easy craft project, etc... You don't have to spend a lot of money to have a few things for them to do. Good luck!
I am in a similar situation as your son's fiance. I am a single mother of a 6 year old little boy and when my boyfriend and I began dating and then moved in together his mother was introduced into our relationship. My son at the time had just turned 3. We are not engaged yet but we are planning our lives together. His mother decided that she wanted my son to call her Miss.Lynn. Her first name is Lynn. I will be honest with you, it hurt my feelings because I felt like it was too formal. If I were you, I would refer to yourself as Grandma C.! Or Grandma Cindy if you prefer!! You will be their grandmother once they are married and although they won't be your biological grandchildren they will be your grandchildren just the same and they should be treated as such! I love that you want to be a part of their lives and that you are taking an active roll with them! I can tell you that your son's fiance will respond well to you and your family if her children are treated well and made to feel important and special by you and your family. Keep up your spending time with the children and since their parents are busy working and parenting and planning a wedding maybe you can ask to see the kids every other week or ask if you can take them one weekend a month for a weekend at Grandma Cindy's house!! Your son and his fiance will love the break from the kids and your new soon to be daughter-in-law will warm up quickly to this new family that she is joining. This will set the tone for your relationship with her and I promise you it will be a close relationship if you treat her children as if they are your own biological grand babies!! I was very hesitant with my boyfriends family and I felt insecure and unsure of how I would be received and more so of how my son would be treated and accepted. I was a little hurt by her asking my son to call her Miss.Lynn. It bothered me because to my son, anyone that was his grandparents age to him, were his grandparents. My best freind Jennifer and her parents are close to me and my son and my son calls her parents Grandma Susie and Papa Al. He does that because that is what he is comfortable with. When my son called my boyfriends mother Grandma Lynn, she corrected him and told him to call her Miss.Lynn. That made me feel even more unsure of the situation with his family and me and my son. The one thing she did do was reach out to my son. She would invite him to go for ice cream or to go bowling or she would take him shopping or swimming. She treated him as if he was her grandchild and because of that I warmed up to her very quickly and became very close with her. It was all because of how much she loved my son and how important he clearly was to her. I was eventually able to get over her asking him to call her Miss.Lynn although it still hurts my feelings when I think back to that situation. She and I now are very close and my son loves her and loves spending time with her. All because of how she involved herself in our lives. Your son's fiance will be watching how her children are received by your family and how they are treated by you and your husband and this behavior will set the tone for your relationship with your daughter-in-law for years to come. You don't need to worry about stepping on toes or crossing boudaries. These are going to be your grandchildren and she will be your daughter-in-law. Take control of this situation!! Ask your son's fiance if she's comfortable with her children calling you Grandma Cindy! I promise you, this will mean the world to her and she will love that you asked and she will love that you want to be their grandma! Then tell her that you know how busy and hectic life can get and that you think she and your son should have a date night at least once every other week and tell her that you would love to watch the children for them so that they can have their bi-weekly dates! Tell her you can come over to their house or they can bring the kids to your home and you will take care of them while they go out and have some adult time!! Every once in awhile call them up and ask if you can come by and get the kids and take them to get dinner and ice cream or take them to the park or swimming or whatever!! Invite all of them over for a barbecue! Just jump in head first!! I promise you that unless her children are treated and accepted as if they were your biological grandchildren, your relationship with your daughter-in-law will be strained. I love that you are excited about these babies being in your life and I love that you want to make sure you do the right thing!! It will mean the world to your son too. Good Luck and Congratulations on becoming a grandma!!!
First of all Congratulations to you all!! A blended family is sometimes the most wonderful thing in the world but sometimes the hardest too.
My parents divorced when I was much older (19) but they have both remarried so my daughter has 3 sets of grandparents too!
You seem to be insightful into the children's attitudes and I think you should go with your gut on that. Give them plenty of time and attention and love when they are with you. Express to your son how happy you are that you will all be together as a family. Tell him and your new daughter in law how much you love them and want to spend time with them. Make yourself available to them but don't push. I think that with time the kids will know that you are a stable and loving influence and be more comfortable with their new grandparents.
As to what they should call you, I say just tell them they can call you "nana" or whatever you want to be called. You can discuss this with your son and his wife so they can call you that too. Ex: "Nana's on the phone and wants to talk to you." They might be hesitant at first or not be comfortable with that so don't take it personally. Just keep the option open and they will probably take to it pretty easily if everyone refers to you that way.
I think it's great that you are already working on this relationship and that's what makes or breaks situations like this. You are involved, loving and supportive and that will the best thing for all involved!
Good luck and make sure to let us know how it's going! Congratulations again!
