I have some old college girl friends that I have not been great about staying in touch with. I used to see them on occasion, but now its been years. Some are now divorced. These are not acquaintances, these were my college buddies. I went to their weddings. I came to visit their new born babies. They never told me anything of their divorces. I just saw that their marriage status changed on FB and now they post pictures of their boyfriends. I have never asked about the divorces and don't even know what happened. They comment on my FB posts and I do the same, and there is an occasional christmas card. I have not seen them in years and some are across country. I realize I made a mistake in not reaching out to them when I first heard about the divorces but felt uncomfortable (since then a third friend divorced and I went out of my way to reach out to her- lesson learned) . Now for both a year or two has passed and I feel I let too much time pass. I did not reach out to them and I know now that was a mistake. I don't feel comfortable asking what happened and yet don't feel I can reconnect if I don't know something about why they divorced. Any one can answer but specifically from you moms you have divorced, help me deal with the awkwardness of asking them about the divorce. Its seems strange to me to carry on with FB contact commenting on photos of new boyfriends without ever having addressed their divorces in the first place. This is a strange to territory for me, not just the divorces, but also the way FB has changed the way we interact with one another. We don't pick of the phone and call each other we FB email. We all have kids and busy lives, I barely get a chance to phone my own sisters, let alone my old college friends. Is it really as simple as emailing and asking what happened?
Thanks for confirming my instinct that its too akward to being up now. Thanks for the great advice to simply acknowledge their new lives and see how they are doing. If they bring it up fine. As sad as that is, we simply loose touch with people from out pasts because life if busy and our children now take up that space in our hearts and free time that was once reserved for bonding with our girlfriends. I do want to take this opportunity to say that when you first hear of a old friends divorce to take a moment to reach out and tell them you hope they re doing okay. If you do not, it will drive an awkward wedge in your future friendship that may or may not ever go away. The friend that I did reach out to made a point to thank me for my kind words. I was not fishing for details, but she did offer one or two statements regarding the divorce that gave me enough to feel like I understood her. She said it was sad when she realized she could never make him happy. She did not need to offer that to me, but I feel like little acknowledgments like that help everyone move forward. With my other two friends, I am still stuck in the past, wondering the gist of the death of their marriages. I don't want details, I just want the gist. If it never comes up, I think the distance between us will grow. But thats life.
If I were nosey, I'd have asked our mutual friends about the divorces but have not done that. This is about the Elephant in the room not my curiosity factor.
Focus on connecting as friends again---if they want to talk about their divorce, they will. But its not something you need to know in order to go on in the friendship. Take baby steps and with trust and time, maybe they will talk about it--maybe they won't but....just start there. GL
M
I wouldn't ask about it, or feel the need that you need to know that part of their life in order to remain in contact. They would have shared the details if they wanted to. Many people only share the ugly side of divorce with people they are extremely close too, like close family, and sometimes they don't even then. Since it has been a while, they likely don't want to reopen taht chapter of their lives.
It really isn't your business as to why they divorced. If you really need them to know they have your support, you can always say in a very casual and friendly way, "Oh my goodness, Sharon, I must have missed that you and Mike are no longer together! You and your new boyfriend look really cute together though. If you ever want to catch up on the details, I'm always here to talk, I feel bad I wasn't there to support you during that time, but I hope it all turned out okay at least. How are you otherwise? Your kids have gotten so big!"
But really, why put an ultimatum of a very personal thing to stand in the way of any further rekindling of a friendship? I would just let it go, it really isn't any of your business anyways.And yes, you are nosey :)
I don't think you should worry about it so much. Just contact them and if you feel the need to explain a bit, just be honest with them about it. Make a point of calling, you'd be surprised how nice it can be to hear from someone you haven't spoken to in a while and get into a long conversation. If there is a connection in the conversation then ask if it seems fitting. Some people don't want you to know or sometimes they just want to move on. This is personal and I think should be kept for phone call. You could email but it might come off rather strange after so many years. This is my take on it basically.
I lost touch with a very close friend years ago, and we "got back together" 2 years ago when her daughter was diagnosed with cancer. We both just agreed that we lost touch, and we picked up from where we were in our lives. Eventually, when we got really close again, we did talk about what we missed in each others lives during the time we lost touch.
I think that because you and your old friends have not been close for some time, it would seem akward if you all of a sudden ask about the divorce.
Divorce is a very hard thing to go through, and even though it seems like they may have moved on, it can still be hard to talk about, Or, maybe it is something they have gotten over, but because they are in a new chapter in their life, maybe they want nothing to do with talking about their old lives (aka their marriages). Once you build that friendship up again, I am sure she would be open to sharing details if it ever gets brought up. But that conversation may need to come up after you get "re-aquainted" with your old friend so it doesn't just seem like you are nosey about what had happened (even though that is not your intention).
I wrote a letter to a college friend when she was stationed abroad. A year or so passed. I figured she didn't want to be friends anymore. Then a mutual friend found me on FB and she also sent me a FB friend request. She apologized, saying that she realized it had been a long time and she didn't know what to say, but she was sorry for the lapse in time. You can say something similar. People's lives go on and if you are not superclose anymore and if they didn't reach out to you about it, either, the silence is understandable.
In my case, I was just happy to have reconnected with the friend and fully forgave her for the time lapse.
You might also ask yourself - do you NEED to comment on the divorce, or can you just acknowledge that they have a new life and go forward with what they put on FB now? You could even say something as simple as "I'm glad to see you are doing alright" or something and see what they say.
I have a friend who invited us to her child's birthday party, but it wasn't til AFTER she and her DH reconciled that I even knew they were apart. Some people just want to keep such things to themselves.
it sounds like you're J. nosey...not a bad thing i am too. But i don't see how your friendship relies on you knowing their personal information, or how there will be more distance if you don't know what they divorced...if you dont want there to be distance work o growing your friendship and if they feel close enough ever they'll tell you if they choose to. That would be information they would share with people close that they actually hung out with. My fb friends dont know why i dovorced, the ones i meet up with outside, even ones where i hadnt seen them since i wa married, i feel fine with sharing the info to, but thats M., i'm more open about my past...some people don't want to broadcast why their marriage failed to every past friend and aquaintance.
Why do you need to know what happened? Why not just treat them like their friend? They got divorced, but that doesn't have to now define who they are! Just be their friend, why do you even have to address the divorce? If they wanted to, don't you think they would have?
I wouldn't ask about the divorce. If you call, just say "Are you doing okay these days?" and let them bring it up. If you face book only, just leave it alone.
Asking about a divorce is what you do if you are in front of each other or talk on the phone ever so offen. You don't just barge in and ask.
What happened isn't as important as acknowledging it. I was one of the first of my friends to get divorced and so very few people commented because it was uncomfortable for them. I really do get that and its strange on both ends. I will say when someone says, wow, that must have been a tough time, that gives me a sense of empathy from them. No one skip-a-dee-doo-da's out of a divorce. There are feelings even if a new person is all lined up. Just a "hey, I never mentioned anything about you getting divorced and just wondered how you are or how it was for you?" From there you'll get a sense if they are willing to share or its best left in the past.
To tell the truth, I wouldn't mention it if they don't mention it. Turns out that after a few years, I moved away, traveled a lot, got busy with my life and only kept up with 3 friends from my highschool days for about a decade. Then I finally (under much pressure) signed up with FB and found that all the friends that got married right out of highschool (except ONE couple) are divorced. I haven't mentioned it to them; we just reconnect as friends. I'm friends with __, not __+__ ya know? I found that the ones that I started talking to more and more and actually became close again, THEY told ME about the divorce and what they went through, but I didn't mention it unless they did first. I figure if they don't bring it up at all, then they either don't want to talk about it, or we're not "THAT" close anymore and it was a chapter that I just wasn't in. It doesn't mean I'm not important in their life, but not everyone can play a major role in every chapter of everyone's life. It's ok. But if they mention it and want to talk, then you can be there for them.
I have to admit, if I haven't talked to someone in many years, and then they start asking about things that were difficult for me, I don't answer and it puts me on edge. But when I feel close again, I bring up and tell my friends things that they may have missed, because I feel like telling them.
I suggest that asking about their divorces is not a good way to reconnect. Doing so makes it sound like the cause for their divorce is more important than who they are at the moment.
After you've been talking back and forth for awhile the reasons will just naturally come out.
