Okay Mama's & Papa's I Need Some Help/advice

Keep reaching out to her and listen if she wants to talk. If you can help her find support in her area since you are far away. It takes a long time to adjust to a loss of someone close--more than a year most of the time.

I don't know if this will help but I worked in the mental health field and talked at length with many people struggling with depression. Two things to keep in mind. Those I have talked to about suicidal thoughts have told me a variation of "I was in so much emotional pain killing myself seemed like the only way to make it stop at the time." It is definitely an act of desperation. And the other part was that it was his decision, not something she could have stopped or changed his mind about.

Is there any way that she can fly out and stay with you? I think what she needs most right now is the company. I am so very sorry.

You probably don't need to say what probably she already knows...that her husband was most likely severely depressed and would not have chosen death IF he was in his normal mental state. A devastating effect of mental illness. For all involved. Only someone severely depressed and in a compromised state of mental health cannot see the dawn that is (almost) always sure to come. And those of us in a healthy mental state cannot understand the state of NOT being able to see that.

As for suicide being "unforgivable in her "book" -- sometimes tragedies like this have some sort of positive impact....however small, and if given enough time and careful reflection....maybe she will see that not all, in fact, MOST, bigger issues in life are not black and white, right or wrong, forgiveable or unforgiveable nor do they all fit neatly into a pigeon holed type receptacle in our minds.

Truly tragic.

Just consider to "be there." You can't be there physically but you can talk, email, text, write a letter, send cards, there are a million ways to stay close, even when you can't be there in person.

Sadly, in cases like this, because people are uncomfortable, they tend to stay away, keep a distance, not want to say the wrong thing, etc.
Don't be *that* person. Vow to stay close. Then DO IT! She needs a friend now more than ever, right?

I think all I could say is "I am so sorry". If you need to give her comfort regarding his suicide, you can tell her that God knew his heart and must have known, truly known, how badly he was hurting.

I am so, so sorry, Cheryl. If you can, send flowers and a condolence card right away. I lost my brother in law last year (DUI, unfortunately) and I have followed my sister's lead. I do not discuss the DUI with her because she's never brought it up to me. What I focus on, when she wants to talk, is her feelings and the fact that, no matter how it happened, the death is a real, very painful loss. I call and sometimes she answers, sometimes she doesn't. Sometimes she's in the mood to talk, sometimes not. Let your 'sister' lead you, and just keep keeping in touch.

What my sister would tell you:(pointedly honest)
Do not tell her it's going to be fine or that it's going to make her stronger or that she'll find some purpose in this death. My sister basically wanted to slap those people.

Do not tell her she needs to 'take care of herself' or 'needs to eat'. She doesn't want to eat. Sleeping is hard for some survivors of death, and her sleeping may bring on nightmares. She's going to be in shock for a while.

Do not ask 'what can I do?' open-ended questions, if you can help this. My sister told someone "you can bring my husband back to life for me". Not a comfortable moment. If you want to offer her things, ask about specifics. Food, gift card to a Kroeger market, money for a babysitter for the kids or a dogwalking service. Or just send a check if you can. Funerals and memorials cost a lot of money.

Do not tell her to get on with life, to 'get out a bit'. Getting out means breaking down in tears in the car, falling apart in public at the grocery store, and anything can be a trigger for emotionally losing it.

Just keep calling. Just tell her you love her and are thinking about her. Keep telling her to call if she needs anything. Just let her know you are available and love her.

Once again, I am so sorry. Sending you hugs and strength.

Wow, this is tough. I'm so sorry.

I'd avoid giving her any advice about how to feel or how to think about this shock, which so many of us do in our clumsy attempts to help the grieving feel better.

I would say something like, "Sis, I can't begin to know what you're feeling right now. My heart is aching for you, and I so wish I could do something to support you. Can I call you again and check in on you tomorrow?"

And then honor her wishes if she'd rather have some private time. But call her again in a week, just to let her know she's on your mind.

She is going to need... to get counseling or join a 'grief support' group.
When she is ready, you can perhaps suggest this to her.
It is a profound thing that she has to grapple with and deal with.
Even the best of humans... need guidance. Even if that is beyond, religious background.
A support group... which can be very helpful.
My Mom attended one for awhile, when my Dad died.
She met MANY good people there and made friends...everyone, understood explicitly, what she was going through. Uniquely.
And they could commiserate and get empathy etc.
It strengthened her. BEYOND, what friends or family, could do for her.
It was the best thing, that my Mom did for herself. Though it was hard emotionally... she researched and found a grief support group, for herself.

I am so sorry, that this happened to your "Big Sister."

condolences to you & your extended family. Just keep the phone lines open....& make sure she has someone with her 24/7 for the next couple of months. The long winter months + the holidays are going to be really tough.

Peace to you.....

I am so sorry to hear this.
I think all you can do is tell her how sorry you are and that you are a phone call away if she needs to talk.
You can lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on even if only by phone.
You, also, can send her a note to follow up your phone call. If nothing else, it lets her know you are still thinking of her.
Sometimes after the initial flurry of people, it is nice to receive a note or call later on.
My heart goes out to her.

Can I assume that she is Catholic and that is why she feels as she does about suicide? I am Catholic and know that we used to be taught that suicide can not be forgiven. The Catholic Church changed its stance a bit and recognizes that the times we live in today are very difficult and we are pulled in so many different directions. Maybe you can reassure your friend that God is the final judge and only He knows what is in our hearts. I believe that God will judge each of us according to what is in our hearts...something only He can see. We are taught that something is a sin if you do it knowing that it is such. I am sure that if a person commits suicide they are not thinking in their "right" mind (I don't know the proper way to term that.) In other words, you are not held responsible for a sin if you did it without full knowledge of the gravity of the sin.

Other than that, I don't know what to add. I am sure your "sister" is at a loss as to how this could have happened and now she is at a loss as to what to do. I hope she finds peace and will pray for all of you.

I'm sorry to say, that I have no advice. Just wanted to say your friend and her family our in my prayers. What a tragedy :(

When a person contemplates suicide they are standing at a cross roads. Down one road is living on in the pain and depression they feel, but it also includes realizing that God is sovereign and our days are ordained by Him alone. It also leads to help through God's promises. He does not want us to be depressed and in pain, but He does want us to come to Him and ask for His help and then believe that He will help us. Down the other road is death on their timing not God's. It is saying that the person doesn't care what God wants, they want what they want, when they want it. It is also saying that they don't think God cares enough to help them through this time of hurt and pain, or maybe it is that they don't think God is powerful enough to save them.

If a person is chemically imbalanced or mentally impaired in some way so that they can't make a legitimate choice, then I don't believe God would hold any actions they commit including suicide against them.
You still have a free will after being saved, if you choose to not trust God's words you can lose your salvation. If a catastrophic event has taken over your mind to where you are unable to rationalize but you were a believer prior, I think you still make it to the pearly gates.
This is what "the Word" says to me anyway.

Satan wants us dead, he is the prince of the power of the earth, and tries to snare us all the time. He too is aware of our "free will". People that dont understand spiritual warfare have been blinded by the evil spirits, the bible says that some will never see.

(John 10:27-30 NIV) My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. {28} I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. {29} My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all ; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. {30} I and the Father are one."
You can't be snatched, but if you change your mind and decide that God's words are not true, you do give yourself over to the other side.
If your friends husband was a believer, God will understand what happened.

How awful for her! And you of course. I think the advice has been good so far. But one thing to keep in mind is the future. First off, the holidays. Do you know if she has family to be with for the holidays? Would it be possible for her to be with you for the holidays if other family is not an option? Also, from what I hear there is often a lot of offers and help and people around in the beginning. But it lets up quickly, everyone else gets beck into their own lives and routines and she is left grieving alone. People get uncomfortable around her and no longer know what to say, wondering when she will be ready to "move on". Don't be that person. If you can't get out there now, I am sure she will still need compassion and love in a month, or two, or three. It is never too late to visit her. Until then, keep calling her. She may not always answer, but leave messages letting her know you are still thinking of her and are available anytime. Maybe make a donation in his name to a charity or organization that is important to him/them. Would a suicide prevention organization be "too close to home" right now? Not sure.
My aunt lost her youngest son to suicide when he was only 12, probably 10 years ago now. She found him hanging in their basement. She lived in a fog for at least a year. And while she is now carrying on with life and doing well, she has never and will never be the same. How could you? I would imagine that kind of death is doubly hard, not only the loss of your loved one but the guilt you would inevitably feel. So, so sad.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. Offering your ear day or night is great, I would also call her a lot as well. She is going to need someone to just listen to her scream, sob, rant. Sorry for your loss.

Hi Cheryl,
I am so sorry your friend is going through this horrible tragedy. My father 'let himself die' so to speak. I will share what I would have liked for someone to have told me:
1. It is not your fault!!!!!
2. You were a great wife and support.....He loved you so much.
3. We cannot always know G-d's or man's ways....

I hope this helps a bit. She really needs to know that her husband loved her and it is not her fault. That is, there is nothing more she could have done.
May his memory serve as a blessing for all those who mourn.
Jilly

I once worked with someone who committed suicide. She was very religious but also bipolar and clearly suffered. I did not know her well but she was in my dept and we all attended her funeral in support of her friends who did know her well. At the funeral, her pastor talked about suicide being a sin and how he knew there were those who were struggling with this thought. He went on to say that God knew this W.'s pain and saw her heart - he knew that she felt there was no other way to cease her pain. He also said that knowing her and knowing how strong her faith was, he had no doubt she asked for forgiveness before doing the unthinkable. He went on to say that our God is a loving, all-knowing, forgiving God and because of that, he would undoubtedly have granted her absolution. I am sorry I am not doing his words justice - he was so eloquent but it has been many years. I just thought something akin to this may make her pause and realize that her husband was forgiven and she will see him again. Also, perhaps you could talk to your clergy for ideas on what to say in such terrible circumstances. Perhaps they can offer some words of wisdom and comfort that you can pass on.

Wow, how heatbreaking! All the best to your family during this hard time. As others have said, and I know you will do.....Listen, Listen and listen. She's justified in the mix of strong emotions and that will go on for awhile and ebb and flo. Godspeed!

Oh Cheryl. I am SO sorry. How horribly sad. I don't know what to do in a situation like this other than to pray and be there for her the best you can be. I'll be praying.

Hi, Cheryl:

Call her often and just listen.
Give her support in whatever
comes up.
Losing a mate is so difficult. Her life
has completely changed over night.
Say your prayers for her.
May healing balm come to all
y'all and soothe away the pain.
D.

I can totally relate to the connections you mention even though I am not from a military family. I have a friend since K and we don't see each other often and after 4th grade we went to different schools. She's like a sister to me and my kids call her aunt. There is another friend they call uncle and consider their kids their cousins.

As for your your situation...call her, send her a card and flowers. Let her know, now and continuing in the future, that you are thinking of her and she can call you. You should also offer her to come see you (it may be good to get away). If you can find a way to get there to her, do it.