OK - My Turn for This Question...

why don't you give him a choice, do you want to give the kids a bath or make them lunch? and I don't mean in 5 minutes or later, I meant right now... which do you want to do right now?? You shouldn't have to nag. He is being disrespectful.

Let me know if there is a real answer to this! According to my husband I am nagging if I ask 2 times in 3 days for whtever it was I wanted.

I get really hate it when people say "dont nag the MAN"

I no longer ask or tell for anyhting and my house is a pigsty because of it. I also refuse to be the maid to a so called MAN, a man-child and a teenage piggy girl!

Call him at work or wherever he is: "Daughter needs lunch by lunchtime. Bye." Let him deal with the consequences of it.

Next time, just use a post-it note. No nagging, no anything. It's nonverbal, and put it in a place he can't miss it. He's a big boy. Why is this such a weird, big problem. It's a sandwich, an apple, some carrots and nuts or cheese. This is not rocket science. If my husband said "well, I don't know what he eats" , he'd have a list in front of him. I have a child to play mommy to, not my husband. He's got his own mom.

Well, I did post a similar thread and I WAS slammed for being a nag. You know what? I AM a nag. Shame on me for expecting my husband to be responsible.

Then again, it's clearly not working, because now, I'm a nag and he's still irresponsible. haha!

So... if you figure something out, do let the rest of us know!!

I asked my husband for his perspective on this question. His advice was to tell him something like this..."I asked you to help me...you said you would, but did not. Your daughter went without lunch because you did not keep your word."

He said what it comes down to is not whether you are nagging or not. What it comes down to is your husband's integrity. If he tells you he is going to do something, then he'd better do it. No excuses. My hubby actually got pretty pissed off when I read this question to him. I don't know if men realize this or not, but we depend on them. No we are not lost without them. But we need them to do their part. And going to work and bringing home a paycheck is not enough. That is the bare mininum. He is a part of your family and needs to help carry the load. A woman cannot and should not be expected to do everything on her own.

If what he means when he says "I'll get to it" is "I don't really want to do this, but I don't want to tell you that so I am going to say I will, then not do it, and hope you do it yourself anyway." then he needs to man up and say that. Or better yet, he needs to man up and be a father and husband and help you!

I saw this somewhere, maybe on this site but try saying "Would you mind doing____________ WHILE I'm doing __________" This way its not nagging because he sees that you are busy doing something too. Then if he hasnt completed the task during the time you have completed yours (should be tasks that can be done in similar amounts of time) you could pipe up and say something or repeat "will you do ______, while I'm NOW doing _______" Maybe try mentioning this each time you start a new task, so that he sees that you continue to work. IF he hasnt completed the task at the end of the night then tries to point out that you could have done it, you can then remind him of all the chores you were accomplishing while he wasn't doing anything. Might work?

S., have a heart to heart with him and tell him that you do five million things a day to get things ready for the whole family. You need him to step up to the plate and make your daughter's lunch! If he doesn't do this, he will have to answer to her and solve the problem if HE forgets. She can call him and he will have to go buy her lunch and bring it to her. Hopefully, he will get it. But this is so not ok! I hope you get some cooperation from him.

GL!

M

Next time have your daughter say in her sweet voice, "Daddy, will you please remember to make my lunch for tomorrow? I was sad the last time when you forgot!" Maybe he needs to see the consequences of his forgetfulness.
Maybe ask him if it would help if you make him a check off list of his responsibilities. i know with my husband, I have to write everything down!

i agree that he should have to take her lunch

Why do they have to make it harder for you to get them to do something than it would just be to do it your damn self???? Drives me nuts....I agree with other posters that there are just some things that you have to do yourself to keep your own sanity.

OK--I'm not who you're looking for but there's another way of looking at this:

I think he can leave work and take her a lunch.

OR she can eat the "emergency" lunch at school. (At ours, it's a cheese sandwich.) I'll bet she'll never let him forget it and he never forgets again!

This just might be O. of those "small sacrifices for the greater good" situations.

I think I would pick something that you do for him that he views as important - say "I'll get to it" - and then fail to get to it.

When he gets upset just look at him, smile, and say "sorry!" And make sure you can't take care of it later either ("gee, I have too much going on right now").

Without any nagging on your part he'll get the point . . .

And when he does follow through lots of -ahem- fun. LOL - JK (sort of).

So frustrating, and he probably just figures you'll pick up the slack when he "forgets" to do his part. Good for you for not doing that today, but tough that your daughter has to go with no lunch. I guess I would just try to have a heart to heart with him about how you need his help in order to keep the family functioning. Don't sit him down and yell at him about it, that will just cause him to retreat, and that's not what you need. Get his input on what he could do to help you out with the "chores," give him choices, and follow through with praise and thank you's when he actually does help out. And if he truly has trouble with distractions and forgetfullness regarding his chores, then ask him to come up with a solution on how to better remember to do them. Perhaps the two of you could work on a daily routine, so he could get in the habit of doing the same things all the time. Good luck!

I have the same issue with my hubby. I have no great answer so I will leave it to the others...good question though. I love it when there has been something I have wanted to ask and havent and someone else thinks the same thing and I get help without having to ask :) So, thank you!

When you figure it out let me know :)

I do not think your nagging at all. I would forget to wash his clothes or make his dinner. It works both ways. He needs to help so your not worn out! Sorry but he is not a boy he is a man that needs to step in and help!

He should deal with this by taking her lunch to her at school. Btw, I can't leave this chore to my husband either. He has no clue what they will or won't eat, doesn't send enough food, doesn't know the school's guidelines on lunches etc, etc. I can't handle thinking about my children being hungry at school so I keep this particular chore for myself. It definitely gets old but I know I do it right.

I go through this with my husband all the time (in fact the dehumidifier that I asked him to move out of the guest room last night is still there!).
I get so overwelmed and I will ask him to be in charge of something (i.e. homework with daughter, making breakfast, making sure kids have t-ball gear, but only one of those at a time). He will do it faithfully for about 1 sitting and then he "forgets" I end up just doing it myself usually because I get so mad that I have to remind him. When I say "be in charge of..." that means I shouldn't have to worry about it ever! right?

That being said, my hubby is supper helpful usually, this is just a thorn in my side. The only thing I can suggest is to be direct with him and honest. We have "talks" all the time about what I need him to do, but it is a constant reminding sort of talk...

I guess I really don't have a solution to offer just sympathy.

S.,
For me, it helped a lot to sit down with my husband and have a serious conversation about what I NEEDED him to do on a regular basis. (In my case, I am a work at home mom; I work 40 hours a week plus I take care of all the house cleaning, grocery shopping, meal prep, most of the kids homework. I have to start the second half of my work shift at 6 pm and at that point my husband is **supposed** to take over but instead was just sitting down to relax and never getting up the rest of the night. I told him I needed him to ALWAYS be in charge of helping the kids finish homework, making sure the girls got bathed, and cleaning up from dinner). This was a few months ago and while he occasionally forgets to do one of the tasks, it has been a lot better.
I think what made the difference was: the job/expectation are always the same, making it easier to remember. Maybe your husband can always be in charge of lunch-making. If it becomes part of his routine, it will be easier for him to remember to do. If the jobs you need help with vary, perhaps you can write them down on a whiteboard or a list that is in plain view and he is expected to check each evening. Or text it to his phone.
I think in this instance you should also explain to him this evening how his neglect affected your daughter and you. "Honey, you forgot to make daughter's lunch and so she did not have anything to eat at school" or "Honey, you forgot to make daughter's lunch and so I had to make it in the morning and was late for work". It seems like this should be enough to help him realize how important the tasks are and remember to do them in the future. With my husband, he was grumpy the night we had the conversation, but the next few weeks he would say things like, "I wanted to play Starcraft last night but instead I cleaned the kitchen. Did it make your day go better to start off with a clean kitchen?" I could see that he did care about my feelings. I could also see that he was really motivated by me being thankful, so I guess the final advice I would give is to catch your husband doing good. If he remembers to make a lunch, thank him and tell him how much easier it made it for you to not have to slap a lunch together in the morning. I know that last one can be hard; after all, we as moms are rarely thanked for all the menial tasks we perform, but if it can help him to remember and complete the tasks you ask of him, then it is well worth it in my opinion. Good luck!

**PS. Not sure how old your daughter is, but perhaps for the future, make her be in charge of packing her own lunch. My son is almost 8 and I have recently put him in charge of this job. I made a list and taped it to the pantry door. It has categories (fruit or vegetable; grain; dairy; protein; treat) and a list of acceptable items under each. He is to choose 1 item from each category. We don't always have ALL the items listed on hand but there are enough options listed that he can always find something. Makes it so much easier because I know he is getting a balanced, healthy meal that HE picked and I don't have to pack it. At least one less thing to worry about, right!?

I would only ever give my husband "non-critical" chores. This one, I would have just done myself. Five minutes and it's done, instead of reminding, reminding, worrying, and then it's not done anyway...Much more energy expended by me to not get the chore done than to just do it.

But, now that we are divorced and in separate households, guess what? when he needs to pack a lunch, he does it.

It seems that when we are there, we're responsible, so he doesn't have to be...

I think a team of psychologists could make studying this issue their life's work :-)

I have to disagree about it being a flaw in men and a virtue in women that we somehow manage to get these things done and they can't seem to find their way to all the things we ask them to do until three hours after we already did what we needed them to do to help us out (assuming they remember at all). I think it comes down to the way we're wired. I'm speaking as the wife of a man who frequently doesn't get around to doing nine tenths of the things I'd really appreciate him doing. At some point, I uncovered the following about him that shed some light on the problem, which may or may not be the deal with your husband (or anyone else's--mine may just be weird). My husband has a mental list of things to do at all times, except when he's asleep. For him, it is necessary to do these things pretty much in the order they are in his head. This is why when I ask him to change a diaper, instead of taking care of it instantly, he files it in the back of the list, finishes the other three things that were already there, and then hours later recalls that, oh yes, there's a diaper to change. Well, no, dear, not now. I've kinda taken care of that ages ago...

Now instead of asking him to do something and expecting immediate results, I will specifically ask if he has a lot of stuff he's dealing with and ask him to put my request somewhere in the higher priority category IF he's willing to do it (I also give him the option to say no, because seriously, he does plenty already, and when I'm asking for something it's more as a "lend me a hand" thing than an "I can't do this" thing). He's a pretty good sport about it, and almost always remembers...almost always...

Hi S.- Let me preface this by saying I have a great relationship with my husband. He's my best friend, we have so much fun together, run a business together and there is almost nothing I would change about him, he is very helpful with the work in and outside our home. BUT...he forgets stuff like you're describing all the time. Men are just so different, they are not wired like us. As a woman I run through things in my mind constantly, what I need to do, where everyone is supposed to be, what we are going to eat and the tasks that have to get done. Guys do not do this, at least not the ones I know. They all forget stuff like that, they just don't multitask like we do (and it's probably a more healthy way to live ;) Your problem is not that he forgot the lunch your problem is that he is not contributing to the home and family work like you need him to be. If he was, you would have made that lunch yourself when you realized he forgot. You would have done it happily and maybe teased him about his forgetfulness but you wouldn't have been mad and you definately wouldn't have let the kid go to school without a lunch. Most families NEED both parents working together tackling the tremedous amount of work it takes to maintain a home and raise kids. What Momofmany is describing is just not realistic for most families, great if it works for her but that's not my family either!
You need to have and heart to heart with him about taking more responsibilty around the house. Make a list together of stuff he'll be responsible for and then back off. If you tell him what is nightly "chores" are each evening it sets up a terrible dynamic. He needs to understnad that if you keep doing or even delegating everything you're going to burn out, it's too much. Caring for the kids should be on that list but in more general ways than making the lunch like bedtime ritual or homework help. He cannot "forget" to do something that is alive, in his face and probably wanting his attention. Help him to understand you feel taken advantage of and alone in the day to day work, sometimes they need us to really spell it out. Good Luck!

I wish I had some answers for you. Lately my own family has been so inconsiderate of me that not only do they not help me cook, clean, wash the hands of the daycare kids, put away their own dishes, but... While I chase the daycare kids around, wash their hands, rinse their dishes, feed the dogs the leftovers, ... My family eats ALL of what I made for supper so that I don't have anything to eat! They throw their own dishes on the counter or leave them around the house. They don't rinse the dishes and if they put leftovers in the fridge they don't put lids on it. I feel like a slave! They say they shouldn't have to help because the messes come from the daycare. NOT EVEN CLOSE. And so what if they do sometimes? The daycare pays the cable, electric, water, gas, cell phones for all of us, food for everyone, paper products, cleaning products, van payment, life insurance, health insurance... ALL THAT from the daycare. So why shouldn't they help?!

S. I totally understand where you are at becasue i was there several years ago. I don't have the answer because I am now divorced. Now its all my job, BUT i also don't dread him coming home, I decide where and when to spend my money and I don't have anyone undermining the things I do. i have since found a great & wonderful man who does most of the things I ask. (but usually Only IF i ask).
My advice is - I can tell this really bothers you (as it should). Can you have daughter tell him how she felt when she had no lunch ? and or had to eat yucky school lunch..?
Let him see your frustration give him a list of chores make them his, don't so them- such as HIS laundry. do your own separate.

I also found if you ask them to help with what you are doing.. like can you help make dinner? i need you to grate the cheese. If he doesn't do it wait ..
Or if he's watching TV sit next to him and give him shirts to fold.

Make time for your self!!!!! Leave kids with hubby! Regularly- like every wed night. Find your self a book club/ a yoga class a manipedi whatever - get out of the house each week for several hours so he can see what if feels like to make dinner. wrangle kids get them to bed. And so you get to refresh/ pamper yourself.

Talk to him sometime about how you feel- I always felt like I had an extra child and it Pissed me off! he never was able to take responsibility for himself though so...

I always thought i would just go on strike! you know and just not do anything, but i just felt too guilty to do that.

Good luck!

This is one of those times where you HAVE to bring the lunch to school b/c it's your child who gets punished. However, I would strongly suggest that you take that "time" back tonight. If it took you 30 minutes to make the lunch, deliver it and get back to what you were doing, take 30 mintues "back" after your husband gets home tonight.

If he wants to "turn over" that chore to you, fine. In exchange, you get 30 minutes entirely to yourself in the evening to do what you want or need to do. Go for a walk, run a couple of errands, whatever. My guess is that after a couple of nights of "babysitting" for an hour he'll decide that making the lunch before going to bed is worth it!

I am not Nikki... :( But when the kiddos are sleeping I would have a serious conversation with him on what will work to make sure he remembers to do these things? Does a list need to be placed on the fridge? How about a sticky note on the bathroom mirror? It really is tough to be on the same page if one partner is not willing or showing effort to work as a team. Try the let's have talk and go from there.

That is frustrating. We love our husbands but sometimes they drive us nuts. I don't really have advice for you concerning your husband forgetting things. Does he feel bad that your daughter had no lunch? Did he have to leave work and go bring her a lunch that day? Well, as for what you said in the "So What Happened" - you definitely need to insist he bathe the baby. Maybe every other night. And I would insist he cook some dinners. Have him start off cooking 2 nights a week. Anyone can cook - it's not hard. It's too easy for him with you doing everything and it is not fair to you.

i do agree that nagging, while tempting, does not work. Theres one sure-fire way to bring out the irresponsible teenager in our husbands and that is to talk to them like we do our kids, like their mom talked to them.

Its terrible that i am almost 30 and just now figuring this out. My last 8 years could have been so much easier!

Men just suck at most things... which is why women/Mothers are better. It's also why men tend to have more physical/hand-eye jobs rather than customer oriented or compassion needed jobs. Seriously :)

What you normally have to ask a woman/Mother to do once, you must ask their corresponding male counterpoint at least 5 times... and even then it may not get done.

What works with my husband is making him a list. He can SEE what is needed to be done and will do it. If I tell him, his male mind will loose it somewhere in the oversized grey matter and never get done.

I had my husband make lunches one day and he did it willingly. BUT . . . he put in enough food for a bird. He had about 10 bags in each. Each bag was filled with 10 peanuts, 10 teddy grahams, 10 raisins etc. They did have a sandwich, so I let it go. This is how he usually prepares meal to, he feed them like 10 different things in small amounts. So weird :)