O How I Long to Be a Stay at Home Mom

I felt the same way after my second daughter. She wasn't sleeping through the night and everything was just hard. So, I got my childcare license. I actually bring home about what I made after paying for childcare.

There is a certain part of yourself that you have to shut down for sure. I waited a long time to have a child (very late 30s), which made it that much more difficult because I have been at my company for 15 years, have great benefits and earn a very good salary. I had even set aside money in the event I found myself pregnant. But my daughter's father was not working, and even if he had found employment in time, there is no way he could have equaled my pay and benefits. Not to mention that I will be able to retire at age 55. So, my partner became the sahd, and although it was great one of us was able to do it, I deeply resented that he got the opportunity. And of course, he was worse at it than I.

I have often wondered about the people who are able to stay at home. Do they live in California? (It's so expensive here) What sacrifices have they really made? (Are they squatting in a 1 room apartment? Now THATS a sacrifice!) How old are they? (I wonder this because in my early 20s my pay was such that there would have been little left after childcare, and i had crappy jobs rather than a career) Do they have real careers/occupations?

Here are a few things that helped me get through:
My daughter's father sent me lots of snapshots daily (it tapered later) so I would know what she was wearing, ate, when napped, etc.

I was able to increase my skills and transfer really close to home (and then daycare) which gave me more time to be close to my near and dear.

I remind myself that alot of people are not able to provide for their family and here I was doing a great job of it.

I remind myself that I used to be so proud to help my mommy dress for work and thought she was the smartest mama in the world.

Hi S., I know how hard it is for you trying to make this decision. I have been a stay at home mom for over 9 years now, with 2 kids, 9 and 6. The thing that really helped me alot was, I found a great co to work for on nights and weekends, If I choose too. I work for a direct sales company, called Princess House. The thing I love most about it is, I make about $25 an hour, I work my own schedule around my family and it gives me the opportunity to be in business, maintain some of my own individuality and meet other people. The other thing I love is that is gives my husband great daddy time with the kids. So, we are both raising the kids and we are both bringing in money. You dont have to have inventory and you dont have to deliver product. Feel free to check out mywebite at
www.princesshouse.com/consultants/cgerberding
Let me know if you have any questions, hope this helps,
Take care,
C.

That's a real serious question. Sometimes you can't afford every day life. You go years without ever wearing anything new. You make do with one car when you need two. You don't know if you're going to be able to pay the rent and you always get late notices on the bills and your credit rating sucks. You cook every single meal from scratch (nothing pre-prepared)to save every extra cent possible and you never go anywhere. You spend your time peeling potatoes and you wash dishes constantly. You sew up the holes in your clothes and you have to ask people for help a lot. Your kids don't get all the latest video games and electronic stuff and they aren't dressed that great either. But what's more important?

I really feel for you. Even thinking of leaving my little ones in the care of others makes me cry. I know, we are supposed to be emancipated women who can have a career and a family and somehow balance the many faucets of life. But in my heart, I want to be home with my children. It was a difficult choice and I do miss going to work sometimes. There were problems I had to deal with, but I decided that staying home was best for my family and I've never been sorry that I made that decision.
This is a decision for careful debate. Financially, it took some adjustments (especially at first when my husband wasn't making so much money) and we had to scrape sometimes to make ends meet. I did a lot more making due, from scratch cooking, and going without. Now, we are able to make ends meet and still have some extra, so after the initial change we got to be better at budgeting for just one paycheck.
I had to make adjustments in my own behavior as well. I was in charge of a household and had to start scheduling my time just like I was at work. I made cleaning, cooking, caring for the children, and all the other daily needs my job. Once I learned that sitting and reading your favorite book everyday doesn't get the laundry done, I did a lot better at making the most of the time I had.
If you decide to stay at home, you will also find yourself feeling the emotional burden of not working outside the home. You will have to deal with people, even in your own family, who think that what you are doing is less important because you don't earn a paycheck. Your own husband might even feel that your contribution to the family and household is suddenly less valuable than his. You will have to find a way to ignore people who don't understand what you are doing, a way to help your husband really value what you do, and a way to help yourself see the value and benefits of your choice.
My last bit of advice, working from home sounds like a great solution and I agree that it would be. But after almost 6 years of being a stay at home mom, I have found that 99.9% of those work from home options are just a scam. Look carefully into anything and don't spend money on something that promises great rewards and little work. Anything worthwhile takes effort and patience.
Sit down and make the decision with your husband. Think carefully about how to proceed and make sure that he is on your side. I know that should you choose to stay home with your children, you will know the rich rewards that come from being a mother and the blessings of doing what you know is right for your family.

Hi S.,

Can you work part time so you won't feel you are away from your kids all day? Will your employer let you work from home? I have the opposite dilemma. I need to go back to work and have secured a part time job. I don't know what I am going to do over the summer with child care. We have no close family near by. So far it looks like child care is going to cost more than what I will be making at my part time job. I haven't worked in 10 years and we could use the extra income. I didn't mean to get off on a tangent about me. These are the challenges so many of us moms face.

I really know what you are feeling. I am a SAHM.. by my choice and my husband mutually. We both wanted Me, the parent, to care for our children. I now have a 2nd child and I am still a SAHM... going on a total of 5 years now. Yes, it is hard... monetarily... with only my Hubby's paycheck, it's not a lot of cash flow, but this was our choice for our children. We live frugally... and we still try to save on the side for retirement and our childrens savings. We only have 1 car now too, to cut expenses. In order for me to help with family finances and whatnot, I babysat in my home. I also have an online boutique which I do, specifically to help earn whatever I can to help contribute to family finances and just to earn whatever pocket-change I can for myself. It takes "work" being a SAHM to find any resources you can to make some extra pocket change. But being home with my little ones are our priority for now, until they get older. Besides, if I did go back to work... the costs of daycare and my expenses for work clothes, parking fees, lunches, gas, travel time and headaches, and juggling transportation & schedules between our family of 4 would be MORE of an "expense" in terms of money and well being and stress. And covering all these things would eat up my paycheck, making the advantages of my going back to work, zero. So, thus, I stay home... .and in turn I can raise my kids our way, go to my daughter's school performances, be home if they are sick (thus saving my Hubby his vacation time allotment from work etc), and it gives our kids a nice stability and comfort to say the least. But yes, it's not easy. SAHM's do a lot of hard work staying home. It's not eating bon-bon's everyday. LOL. But to be a SAHM.. you need to be prepared to live frugally, and not be able to buy everything you may want to. You give a little and sacrifice a little for the children.

You could work from home... do tutoring, "virtual assistant" type jobs (you can research it online), do tele-commuting, or those MLM sales venues, or baby-sitting, or some people sell their craft/art items online via www.etsy.com if you are into making handmade things, or do "freelancing" (there are also lot of freelancing opportunities online if you do a Google search). You can also sell things on E-Bay or have an E-bay store which many people do. Me, I do graphic designing and have an online Boutique www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo.

I know it's not easy... I couldn't bear not being the primary care-taker for my kids... and I am happy to be a SAHM even though that means we have less income. It is only for a short time that our children will be children... they grow so fast and I want to be a main presence in their lives, instead of another care-taker or only seeing them at night when I would get home from work (if I worked). It's a hard decision, and I really feel for you. Just wanted to share what I have done... I really hope the best outcome for you... make a list of things and see what direction you could go in and what means of income you could do as a SAHM.
take care, and the best of luck,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

I sympathize with your situation. My 3 kids are all 13 months apart, so it would've been to expensive for me to have gone back to work after the last one was born. I ended up watching my niece (while my sister-in-law worked) to make some extra money & cleaned someone's house once a week when he was home to watch the kids. I too have a home-based "direct selling" business that I love! You can work it part-time or full-time, you don't stock any inventory, & it doesn't cost a lot of money to get started. This company sells a "whole food" nutritional product that has been published in 12 medical journals over the past 15 yrs. Even doctors are starting to recommend it! Check it out at: www.nsavirtualfranchise.com & then contact me if you have any questions. Your time with your kids is precious & goes quicker than you think, so if you can work from home around their schedule (even part-time). . . Do it! You will be so glad you did in the long run!

S.

Hello S.,
I am a working mom of a great 2yr old little girl. I had to go back to work when she was only 2 months old too. I had to get back to work cause of our financial cituation. To be able to make it we both have to work to make ends meet. Especially now a days with the cost of things. I still get sad when I leave my daughter with the sitter. Right now she is getting into that stage where she doesn't want to leave mommy's side. Just last week she started that and it brought me to tears. I really wanted to take her to work with me. What gets me through is knowing she is well taken care of during the day and at the end of the long work day I really have something to look forward to. When I see her smile and run to me to give me a hug I just melt. But I know she is happy playing with the other kids and it helps her be more social. After work and on the weekends we spend as much time with her as possible. Just last weekend I took her to a Wiggles concert, and hopefully this weekend we will do the Zoo. But like the other lady's said you could figure out your financial cituation and then figure out what you and your husband can do to make it work for you to stay home with the kids. The working from home does sound good too. I myself do Avon on the side to bring in some extra money or just get us things, but I know if I did it full time I could make some pretty good money.(I really couldn't do it full time, I am not really a good sales person,not aggressive enough)
I hope some of this helps. I know it is harder, you have to little ones. Another thing I do is keep alot of pictures of my daughter at my work area just to see her pretty face, that also gets me through the day. Take care and hopfully everything works out for you.

Hi S.!

I can tell you I had the worst time when returning to work after my daughter was born in May 2006. She was 9 weeks old when I had to go back to work and I would cry all the way to work for a few months. For the longest time I tried to find work from home....about 2 1/2 years to be honest, I started looking before she was even born. And although I tried a few things nothing actually brought any income in, it seemed I just had to pay it out. Now I am pregnant with our second child and I had given up on being able to work at home and be a Mom to my kids full time. But, because I did not want to go through the heart ace and pain of leaving my new baby again I kept my eyes and ears open for a true work at home opportunity. A good friend had mentioned that her sister sold insurance on the side and was able to make money off the plans she sold on a monthly basis if the clients were still enrolled. So, I decided to look into it.....although I was not that excited about selling "insurance." Then I came across a great discount company that I could market nationwide and did not have to have a license to sell. I will say I was skeptical about a "discount" plan, but after looking into the company and calling providers in my area I could not believe that more people did not know about the service this company had to offer. I started working with the company part time while I was still working full time outside of the home. Now I will be leaving my full time job on May 2nd to come home full time. This company has been such a blessing for me and my family. Although it took some work and sacrifice on my end to get here, I am so glad I have done it. I have found a company that I can actually make a good income with and not just pay out all the time. If you would like more information, please let me know. You can call me at ###-###-#### or you can visit my website for more information. www.freedomathometeam.com/jaimewright

Whatever you decide to do, I hope this gets easier for you and you are able to find an option to be able to stay home with your children!

All my best,

J.

what about working from home? i work from home and I love it. you just have to find the right business. The one I am in is actually worth it! lol. i dont do any parties, dont keep inventory or take orders or anything...i just talk to people....I shop from an all natural online store, and I get paid to do so...my first check was for $500..not alot but every little bit helps right?

____@____.com

S., this is a tough one, and I understand what you are going through. I am a wife and a mom to a beautiful 7 month old baby girl. I am also a teacher. We bought a house in Orange County, California last year. We can not afford for me to not work and keep our home. Staying at home is something that is really important to me too. So, we looked at our finances. We decided if we could get completely out of credit card debt, I could work part time. So, that is our goal. It makes me pay things off and not spend as much. And, I know that by the time we have our next baby I will be home much more. ANd for me, it will be a balance because I will have the family time, and a career. But, most importantly, I will be home with the babies more. So, sometimes, you may not have the perfect situation, but you can possibly come up with a compromise. Good luck to you:)

Loving mommycare is the best care for children. I'm sure that if you and your husband sat down and made a budget, you can work it out so that you can stay home and raise your kids full-time. There is always a way. You can downsize to one car if you have two, cut coupons, don't eat out or spend money on extra material stuff, move to a less expensive home, etc. There are so many different ways to budget and plan so that you can stay home and be a mom. After all, you can always return to work, but you have few precious years to be your kids' mom. Good luck! :)

HI S.,

I stay at home w/ my 4 children and belive me when all of these women tell you about the sacrifices, it's so true. I clip coupons, I signed our youngest children and myself up for WIC program, I shop thrift stores and yard sales religously, I volunteer in every way I can so that I can be as informed on as many free events as possible, and after 3 yrs of being home, I'm finally looking into working from home, either doing part time childcare, or sales. I'm not sure about what else is out there, but if you try, you almost always find a way.I strongly urge you to stay ivolved in some kind of adult activity though, because it is so important that you not lose who YOU are in raising your family. There are many different programs w/ the utility co's in our county ( VENTURA ) so, reach out to as many different resources as you qualify for, and don't be shy about it. It's for the better of you childrens lives.

Aloha S. W,

I have twin girls, now 4 years old. 4 months after giving birth, I went back to work and it was horrible. I breast fed the girls early in the morning then they went back to sleep. Then I was off to catch a bus to work (I gave up my "cheaper" parking space in downtown Honolulu when I went on my maternity leave.) Anyway, I would catch the bus at 7am, and then again after work to get home. By the time I got home the girls would be bathed and asleep. (We had my mom helping us.) Basically my time with them was either nursing them or when they were asleep.

My husband and I talked about it and we decided that it would be okay for me to quit work (3 months later) and stay home with the girls. And it was the best decision we could have made. It was and still is extremely difficult financially. My husband is a pastor so my take home pay was more than his (though he is provided other wonderful benefits). So basically our income was cut slightly more than half and our expenses went up considerably with twin babies. We can't eat out as freely as we did before, we don't go out as much (like movies, shows, etc. since the girls are too young anyway), etc. Our life has gotten much simpler and we are barely managing - somewhat. And we are very happy.

Actually, my husband does not make enough to cover our expenses and this has been going on now for 4 years. But we feel that it truly is worth it. I got a part-time job when my girls started preschool part-time a year ago. And when they start Kindergarten this fall, I hope to move back into a full-time job.

This is the most critical time of their developement. 0-3yrs and then 0-5years, when they are forming language skills and a host of other life skills. They are learning at a faster pace now more than they ever will the rest of their life. I want to be the main influencer of what they learn. It is EXTREMELY difficult for us financially. But to us the sacrifice is worth it. Because of our decision, we probably have gone several thousands of dollars in debt each year - and counting. But as soon as I can work full time again, we'll be able to make up that negative - over time. But we won't be able to get back those early years.

I believe my time with my girls and our family has laid a solid foundation for them. They are well behaved, polite, good, happy girls. They aren't perfect little angels, they do have their moments, like all children do, but I do notice the difference between my girls' behavior (and other children's behaviors that have a parent at home with them) and the behavior of those that have been at a day care all day. And I don't think it's just me being a blind proud mom.

If you are able to, and I know I am SO BLESSED to have been able to and to have an extremely supportive husband, it is worth the sacrifice. And it truly is a sacrifice, unless you have an unlimited pool of financial resources which we don't. You just have to take a look at your priorities (where you are spending your time and money).

And I don't by any means mean to imply in any way that if you don't stay home with your children you are a "bad" mother. Some mothers are better mothers because they go back to work. It is a personal and individual choice.

BTW I work part-time from home for an architect close to where I live. It is EXTREMELY difficult to work from home with little ones. I usually end up doing most of my work in the wee hours of the morning when everyone is asleep. So working from home is also difficult.

I wish you all the best. You need to do what is best for your family. And it needs to be a family decision. Good luck!