Not Appropriate

hi G., well it may have been a little inappropriate for him to have allowed this to go on, but not becouse he is a grown man, but more becouse it is really not appropriate for them to talk like this at all. think of it this way at least they are comfortable to talk around some one, if he would have chastised them they would stop trusting him, we all know that at least if he can help them through this then he can also help them with other problems they may not be comfortable talking about with other adults.

Just my personal opinion - I don't think you're out of line at all!! I don't have teenagers, but I would have reacted the same way; like you said it was an opportunity to talk about boundaries. My husband has no kids of his own and is learning on how to deal with my 3 kids, and it's a balancing act of supporting him and helping him to learn without acting like I know it all. Don't have any advice, just the opinion, sorry.

I don't know if you're a religious woman or not, but I would pray about it. That's a hard situation to deal with. I know that there is a God who loves all of us no matter what we believe in. If you put your trust in him and sincerely ask him for help, he will give you the guidance you need with this situation and others. You will receive inspiration and ideas followed with peace.

It sounds like your daughter may view your boyfriend as her father figure. In that case, I personally would be thankful she was speaking about sex infront of him. This way, you know what is going on, at least. He should have, however, said something. Especially if he was uncomfortable with it. I know I would never have a conversation like that infront of any man, but maybe she is different from I am like that. Was your boyfriend uncomfortable? Do they talk like that infront of everybody? Maybe you should have a talk with her about it... You don't want your daughter talking to just anybody about sex. You could explain that to her, and ask her how would she feel if you or your boyfriend talked about your sex lives infront of her.

Since she's 18, she may very well know exactly what she was doing...if she trusts him, she could be testing him. My niece used to talk to me about everything when she was in high school...everything! (She's 10 years younger than me...a senior in high school at the time). I knew that if I ever 'told' that she would never trust me again. I brought up to her the possibility that she might one day tell me something that could be life threatening to her and how she felt about my 'tattling' (I had long been squirming with absolute discomfort with the things she was telling me). She said she didn't like the thought, but that she could understand if I ever did. That day came...she was doing a terrible drug early in the morning before school with friends, sometimes she was the only girl among the guys (and yes, she had also been sexually active, but if she was taking measures of protection, I wasn't going to bring that up...most everyone I knew was sexually active by that age). I tattled. Her parents were able to get her the help she needed and she has never trusted me again...but her life is good today. She still hasn't gotten over that I told and refuses to be close with me anymore...but all that trust she built up lead to sort of the peak...I mean luckily she was talking to an adult about what was going on in her life and I was able to step in when it was truly out of hand. Your boyfriend is a great avenue for you to know what's going on without having to sneak around finding out things for yourself. I'd hold on to that as long as possible...at least you know what's going on. My sister was always upset, knowing that she talked to me so often, because she didn't want it to be me, she wanted it to be her...so there was definitely some envy going on and the envy caused strain in our relationship. I wasn't thrilled to be in the place I was in, but I stayed in it just in case. It was clearly the right thing to do. If my niece wasn't telling me, I seriously doubt there was another adult she would have been talking to.

As a teenager, I had an experience with my friend where we snuck out of her house and ended up at her boyfriend's house. That night, I made a lot of stupid decisions, but ultimatly, I pretended to be asleep on the floor while she and her boyfriend had sex. I was 14. I did not have anyone whom I felt comfortable talking to about the situation, so I never did. On one hand, it is good that your daughter feels comfortable discussing such touchy topics around a someone else, especially a man.

Here is the problem though. If you confront her, you may be making your boyfriend the enemy in this situation. She trusts him, and will feel betrayed if she thinks you are using him to spy on her.

If you are really uncomfortable with what happened, talk to your boyfriend. This way he knows how you feel about the situation and in the future he will put a stop to the converstation. You can also encourage him to talk to your daughter. If he is your boyfriend, then he must be some sort of parental figure in her life, and may be able to talk to her about what is appropriate and not appropriate.

My husband has a younger sister who is almost 19. A few years ago, a 20 something guy was living in her home, and we walked in one day and found her sitting on his lap. I was mortified. I let my husband "talk" to the guy while I talked with her. She was young but she still should have known better. Your daughter is old enough to know where the line is as well, but if you do decide to talk to her about it, keep it simple (Hey, Joe was uncomfortable with the topic in the car the other day...you may want to tell your friend to keep the details of her sex life limited to when you two are alone) and leave it at that.

One final thought...Is this really a mountain, or are you just shocked that your daughter may be having sex? Shoot, I would be!

Dear G.,
I am very pleased your boyfriend cared enough to tell you about the type of conversation the girls were having. He didn't feel he was a threat but rather a person perhaps to listen and give advice? A good tell-tale sign is the fact that he suggested to you the friend of your daughter may not be a good influence. I do agree that we as moms seek teaching moments, and men usually don't recognize them when they come. It is why mothers are so special being naturally born teachers and protectors of our children.

It is a good thing what your boyfriend did however. I would have worried had he listened, and not say anything to you (incl. his advice re. the other girl). Thank him for that, for being a watch dog. Sometimes kids need to talk amongst older people to understand transitioning into the adult world before they are lured in via their own inexperiences and curiosity.

You are a good mother and my hats off to you for caring.. Many mothers out there give up after their kids turn 18. I still give advice or question my kids decisions who are in their 20's.

I welcome you to visit my web site and check out my blog there. Leave me a comment there if you wish. http://stairwaytosecrets.com
R.

If this boyfriend is someone you trust your children with, maybe you should feel relieved that the girls felt comfortable talking in front of and with him. He does need to be open with them...saying that maybe the best option for them would be to talk to you...but at least you know now what is going on in your daughters life. You should focus on what is happening in her life. Do you feel sex is ok at her age, have you shared with her what you would like for her. Is she in a safe situation, a healthy relationship. Being upfront and honest with both your daughter and your boyfriend is key here. Just tell them exactly how you feel in a way that they will respond to. Open the lines of communication on all sides. good luck!

I agree that it is inappropriate for a young girl to talk about sex and being sexually active in mixed company like the situation your daughter was in.
While you trust your boyfriend and your daughter there are boundaries and appropriate discussions.
(to Colleen N- dang straight it would be different if the man were her father. It isn't about whether talking about sex is ok or not, it is about the time and the place. Just like sex itself- sex is not bad, it is wonderful and right-- but at the right time.)

G.- I love the suggestion of directing the "girl talk" to you in the future. That will help you and your daughter and you and your boyfriend have a relationship that is stronger!! Good Luck!

Personally I would not be comfortable with my boyfriend being an active member of the converstion UNLESS, I completely trusted him. Bringing in a boyfriend with older children, especially girls, you must have some kind of faith in him. Is he a possible step-father for your children? If so, why is it wrong for your OF AGE daughter to not discuss sex with him? Does it make YOU uncomfortable? Either she was serious about his opinion or she wanted some type of reaction out of him. Does your daughter know that your boyfriend "feeds" you information about her? Have you in the past talked about how your daughter's friend was soooo. good she should follow her example? Could that be why she continued the conversation so it would get back to you that your daughter's friend is not as "good as you thought"? There are so many scenarios for this situation that I believe the best thing would be to go to your daughter and talk it out with her. Do you think less of your daughter's friend because you've found out about her sexual past? Why? These are all things parents need to address within themselves before they can fully address issues with their children, especially with older children starting out their own lives.

No, you're not out of line, but you must remember that men think differently than women. Expecting your boyfriend to respond to your daughter the way you do isn't fair to him. He is, after all, your boyfriend, not her father. Maybe he's unclear about HIS boundaries. He needs to know what is expected of him. If you expect him to be a father, he needs to know that. Maybe also consider not putting him in those kids of circumstances. Maybe I'm just a prude, but I wouldn't let a boyfriend be alone with a teenager, period. Now I'm not in your situtaion so that really is just a personal opinion. It may not work for you and that's fine. Maybe just think about how he feels in circumstances. I'll bet he was ready to unzip himself. He sounds like a great guy though. Just keep talking to him and to your daughter and realize that you're in a hard situation and give YOURSELF some slack! You're a good mother doing the best you can. That's all anyone asks. Finally, consider your daughter's friend. Maybe talking to her or her parents is a good approach. I know your daughter is 18, but you're still her mother.

GOOD FOR YOU!!! I totally agree! maybe sit down with your daughter and talk to her about it? why she shouldn't talk about certain things with men-any man for that matter maybe?

I think that it has to do with how much you trust your boyfriend. If it was her Dad that she was having this conversation with I dont think you would have been as upset about it.

I think it is very inappropriate that your boyfriend let that conversation go on with him there. He should have stopped it right away..He may have been a little aroused by the conversation between two teenage girls. Most men are easily tempted and I would really watch their relationship closely. I don't think I would ever leave a boyfriend alone with my teenage daughters. I am not sure how long you have been dating but I wouldn't trust those two alone together. I wouldn't put it past a man to be infatuated with your daughter, especially if she is so curious now. I am sure he is a really good person, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have weaknesses. I agree with some of the previous comments that your daughter may resent you if something happens. I hope we are all just jumping to conclusions but I would be very careful with any boyfriend around my daughter. You wouldn't want something horrible to happen your baby. It wouldn't be her fault, most teenagers are easily influenced and will try almost anything. Also her friend may be a problem too. Maybe she was instigating it. Maybe they were trying to turn on your boyfriend. They are smart enough to know that sex is a form of power over men. You wouldn't be asking us for advice if you didn't have some kind of red flag go off. Talk to your daughter, explain to her that it is inappropriate and the dangers of talking like that around men...and don't leave them alone together. It is not worth the risk, her life would be ruined...

Hello G, Why would you let your boyfriend spy on your daughter? Why dont you just talk with your daughter and build a lasting, loving, trusting relationship.You
talk wiht her. Love never fail. Maybe your boyfried liked hearing about the sex, He sounds kinda sicko to me. Are you sure he only befriends your daughter or is he really liking this spying in an odd way. M. dont let him spy on your girl that is yuk in my opinion.
Sorry but ive heard too much about guys and teens so watch him just an opinion
Best wishes Patti b

Hello G., Trust your instinct/gut on this one and take it seriously.

In order to get closer to your daughter on this subject, or any other, I recommend, "How to Talk So Teens will Listen and Listen So Teens will Talk," by Faber and Mazlish.

~T.

Your boyfriend probably felt very uncomfortable (to say the least) in the middle of this conversation he did not ask to have. You are still her mother and disciplinarian and I think you should talk to her about her actions. If you would like him, and he agrees, to take an active role in parenting, then I think you should both sit down and talk to her about what happened. It seems you are blaming your boyfriend, although your daughter and friend were the ones with inappropriate behavior. She is 18 and should be more aware of what is appropriate. Do you think she and her friend continued the conversation for shock value?
I know how awkward this relationship can be from your daughter's point of view, as my mom had serious boyfriends while I was growing up. They were outstanding men but were usually unsure of the boundaries and discipline, especially once I was older. If you trust his judgement, encourage him to speak up in the future but don't punish him for an awkward situation he didn't create. If your daughter were younger, I might place more responsibility on him, but 18 year olds should be more socially aware and I think American culture lets them get away feigning innocence and immaturity far too often. Please help your boyfriend know your feelings and how much you would like him to be involved, otherwise next time he'll keep his mouth shut about the whole ordeal, which will not be beneficial to anyone!

You are definitely not out of line. Let him off the hook this time, since he may not have known better if he hasn't had a lot of experience with other peoples kids, but lay down your desires and expectations clearly in how he should deal with your kids so you'll know he knows what's expected. Is it possible he feels like he's being helpful by "spying" and that is why he wanted to hear all they had to say. If that is true he could damage the relationship with your daughter if she finds out he is telling everything and she thinks he is just being a good friend. While info is good, maybe it's more important that they get along and respect each other. Maybe you should let him know you don't need him to play James Bond and you only want him to tell you if something potentially dangerous or harmful is happening or he has her permission to share.

I can say from his point of view it was probably VERY uncomfortable for him. He isn't the parent and doesn't really know when to intercede. I would say the fact he came to you with the concern was a huge thing for him. Kids can sometimes really resent a person that isn't the parent correcting them.
I would sit your daughter down and have a serious talk with her about appropriate discussion, and if she has any questions regarding sex. Now is the perfect time to really give her a talk about STD's, teen pregnancy and so on.
I would you need to thank your boyfriend for telling you and be grateful you have a great guy in your life. Sorry, just think he did the right thing. Make sure you talk to your daughter about the conversation maybe with the boyfriend present but do not present it in a manner it was like he was telling on her. That will put her on the defensive. It is important she feels she can talk to either of you about anything however does need to know boundaries of discussions.

You certainly are not out of line. That is completely inappropriate. Though it is good he told you about the situation, he must know his role as a responsible adult, especially a man who is your boyfriend. I'd ask that if that type of conversation comes up again that he interrupt and let the girls know that they should not discuss it in his presence.
It my sound strange, but he could also let her know that it's perfectly fine to approach you about personal stuff like this if she ever needed to. Hopefully you're creating an open door for her to come to you if she really needed to talk. It's best to just come out and let her know that if she wants to talk that you are there for her. Doesn't need to be drawn out discussion, just every once in a while bring it up so she knows that you're on her side and that you are not completely oblivious about what girls are concerned about these days. That goes for other issues facing our kids today too - drugs, violence, peer pressure, etc. Hope this helps.

First off G., why is he picking them up from school and not you??
The girls probably talked about sex to see if he would respond.
And secondly the shock factor.
It is normal for girls that age to act this way.
But i do agree with you that your boyfriend should have told them it was not appropriate to have that kind of discussion in front of him. And he didn't care to know their details.
That's what he should have said. But face it, he is a man and he was curious.
Men and sex and teenage girls, i mean really.
Anyway, stick to your guns and if i were you i would let my daughter know that you didn't appreciate the fact that she had that kind of discussion in front of him.
You need to let your daughter know that you have bounderies where he is concerned also.
Take the bull by the horns and dive in.
She's a teenager and is testing yours and his emotions as to what you will tolerate and this is one area where your daughter was completely out of line.
Good luck hope you get some good info here.

G.,

Am I understanding you right? You don't appreciate your daughter's willingness to be open in front of your boyfriend.

Perhaps I just don't get it, but I see nothing wrong with 18 year olds girls talking about sex in listening distance of a trusted male figure.
Perhaps he could have shared his view about being sexually active at that age, but to suggest that somehow it was inappropiate conversation mainly because there was a guy present... If this was your daughter's father would you feel the same way?
Are sexual conversatons only to take place in locker rooms
and behind closed doors in your world? I believe if more teenage girls were willing to be that open, perhaps teen pregnacy wouldn't be so prevelant in our society.

G.,
YOur boyfriend, has to step up to the plate and be a better friend. I would like every mother to realize that 1 in 4 sexually active girl has an std. Most girls are aware that pregnancy happens through sex, and her chance of getting pregnant aren't too high the first time, but how many girls are aware that they have a much higher chance of getting something from someone. Your husband has to respect your daughter enough to say something. Maybe set up a family discussion with both your children. There is ove 100 stds's, some will cause sterylity. Good luck, I will be hoping for the best for you.
J.

Your boyfriend is way out of line and I'd definately be wary of what is going on there. Your daughter may look at him differently than you think she is looking at him, young girls who don't have a good relationship with their father seek older men, and she may have some sort of crush on him. As for older men looking at younger women, we all know how that goes, so keep a close eye on there.
If he is devoted to you, he will respect your wishes to stay out of this little communication thing they have going on between them, if not, then you should really question your relationship with him.
No matter what the sex talk with them is totally unnacceptable and needs to stop. You need to confront both of them about it seperately.
Good luck, and please don't lose your daughter over all this.

You are absolutely right to draw the line here. It is not appropriate to create the kind of relationship that supports a lack of modesty. Young girls are so inundated with sexuality from media that they seriously need parents to help them identify their respect for themselves and others. Its unfortunately a sign of the times that adults want more to befriend than mentor young people. I hope your boyfriend recognizes its not about him doing something wrong or inappropriate, its about him recognizing his role in your daughter's life and future. Take some time to express your concern with both your husband and daughter. You may need to take the lead since it is your values that alerted you!

I'm with you ... this is not at all appropriate. It would be more appropriate to talk to you than to him. Would you want him to discuss the details of your sex life with her? Or anyone, really. It's a little scary that you also have a 14 yr old. I'm not sure why he doesn't get it, but I wouldn't drop it if I were you. You are absolutely correct that he should have said, "OK Girls, you two can talk about this later when I'm not around" or something similar.

L

You were not out of line.It was inappropriate for him to listen. However, in all honesty, he might not of gotten that he shouldn't listen.Perhaps he thought it's best to listen and learn what he could to relay it back to you.
Just be honest with him without making him to defensive.I would just be very watchful and trust your gut feelings in all of this. He is not your daughter's peer, friend or even father.I feel he should be nice, understanding and there for her, but not to the extent of leaving you out of it, and especially the situation you just explained about the sex discussion with her friends and her.Things can get out of hand in these situations, be they good or bad, true or untrue.

Dear G.,
No you are definately not out of line to feel that way. Sorry to say but your boyfriend was telling you what your daughter and friend talking about sex for more reasons than just to let you know her friend is not such a good girl. He is a man and he enjoyed every minute of the conversation and guaranteed he contributed more than you'll ever know. (Don't believe me? Ask your daughter, without sounding accusational, about the conversation...and believe what she tells you). She would much rather have a good trusting relationship with you than him...she is only confiding in him because she knows it bothers you AND it bothers her that you are with him!!! You need to dump your boyfriend and raise your kids! You only have 4 years left with your youngest then you can have as many boyfriends as you like. I hate to tell you this but any man that isn't the father of an 18 year old girl and has the kind of 'trusting' relationship you say your boyfriend has with you daughter is more attracted to her than he is to you. Face it he's a scum and it has nothing to with anything your daughter is doing or not doing...this isn't her fault. He is trying to manipulate the two of you and when he decided to tell you about the 'sexual' conversation he did it so you'd get upset at her then she'd get upset at you AND turn to HIM for advice and friendship! Its your job to protect your daughter. Get rid of that guy before something happens that will change things between you and your her forever. And you need to know, if he does end up staying and something does happen between the two of them your daughter will always blame you because you're her mom and she depends on you to protect her and put a stop to this before it started. You know you are already having these feelings...you are slightly suspicious of the way he gets more info from her about her life than you do...and you should be!!! But please don't let your suspicions turn into jealousy toward your daughter...remember he is a grown man and she is your child. Please listen to me...I know this from experience...I know what I am talking about. You can do it...you don't need him. You sound like your a good woman and more than capable of getting your kids raised without needing a man around. Your kids will appreciate and be thankful to you for putting them first and in the long run they will be better, healthier, happier, well adjusted adults someday because you did! You have great instincts and your a good mom...go with your gut...ALWAYS!

P.S. Keep us posted on what happens either way...it'll be really good for other moms in similar situations to hear and learn from you.

Give you boyfriend some slack. You encouraged him to listen and be your spy and although he could've said something at the time, he was probably torn between listening for you and telling them it was inappropriate. By letting him know how you feel, though, he will hopefully use his better judgment in the future.