Normally Good Child Behaving Badly

Hi S.,
I am having a very similar problem with my son who is the same age and transitioning into Kindergarten.

He has hit (a girl!), been pushing for no reason, runs from teachers and basically just shuts down and will not respond to anyone making it very difficult for them to deal with him plus the rest of the class. All of these are uncharacteristic behaviors.

Trying to get him to talk is the hard part. One suggestion that the teacher made that has had a marked effect on us was a book recommendation. It's an easy read and the techniques really made sense and my son has responded to certain ones even though I thought he would not. The book is: "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlish.

This book's techniques are good for kids of all ages, including teenagers, (and it works on adults too!!!)

Maybe this is a book worth taking a look at.

Warmly,
S.

Here is the part of your letter that is hard for me to understand, "when we tell her to stand up for herself she tells us hitting is wrong." This sounds like sometimes you *encourage* her to hit, which is the same behavior she is in trouble for at school. If this is the case, I think that your mixed messages may be contributing to the problem.

That being said, my son has also just started kindergarten this year, and has come home with LOTS of stories about hitting- every day he tells me who hit who, who got a red card, and who got benched at recess. I think there is a lot more hitting in kindergarten than in preschool, and the fact that she is seeing her peers hitting *combined* with the fact that you are sending mixed messages may be the reason that she is getting herself in trouble.

You need to send a clear message that hitting is wrong. Talk to her teacher and ask her what the consequences are for hitting in her class. See what conflict resolution skills are taught in class. I always tell my son, "If we don't like what someone is doing we use our words or we walk away. We do not hit." That is also the message he gets at school. They teach the children what to say when they have a problem with a friend, such as "I don't like that. Please stop." They read books about how to be a good friend and how to think before you act. I think it helps.

I hope that the "punishment" she is receiving at home does not include spanking- hitting a child to punish them for hitting is the biggest mixed message of all. You need to be consistent and send the message that hitting is always wrong.

I know that you love your daughter very much. I'm sure you will resolve this. It must be very stressful. Best of luck.

First it is important to discover why your daughter is behaving this way. My children are older and we went through something similar. Your daughter sounds upset and perhaps she is unable to communicate her frustrations. Speak with her teachers and those who care for her when you are away. Some thoughts may be to have her draw pictures of her at school and her on the playground and have her explain them to you....maybe it will offer some insight. Something else that we do is at the end of the day ask for her peak and pit (or you can think of another name). Have her explain what the best thing (peak) of her day was and have her explain the worst thing of the day (pit). We were happily surprised at the information this gave us. One last thing...to get out their frustrations, we gave our children extra exercise....also told them that if they wanted to hit something to get their frustrations out, it was okay to hit their pillow as hard as they could and it made them feel better. Of course, we made it clear that it is ok to hit a pillow and not ok to hit any living thing. In my opinion, it is important for children to express themselves and your daughter is certainly expressing herself. Let's get her to express herself in a way that you understand and that is positive.
good luck!

I too always had the "sweetest, kindest, most well behaved" little girl. She went to Kindergarten and I had the child who pushed the teacher's buttons every chance she had.

When she went to K, she had no friends from before and most of the children were in pre-k together, she didn't know her teacher (and they had a bad moment that set the tone for the year), she had never experienced physically aggressive children (and was afraid to tell...thought I'd be mad because she "must have done something wrong."), etc.

The social adjustment to k is so much bigger than we realize. If she is seeing or experiencing someone hitting, she might be acting it out....ftting in.

Talk to the teacher to get a better sense of what is happening. Hang out in the morning and observe.

Stephanie

Just a guess, but I'm wondering if the challenge of being in an environment where she has to cope with a lot of new people in a new language is related to this. It might be similar to when kids are just starting to interact/try to play at around 20 months, and there's a lot of hitting because language skills are low and there are fewer options to resolve things. I'm not meaning to compare your daughter to a much younger child--just wondering if language is part of the issue and how her teachers can help.

It sounds like you were really able to talk with you daughter and figure out what was causing some of the problems. Wonderful!

Kindergarten can be a scary time for some kids. You may want to present her with different situations that she encounters at school and how to solve them. Since it seems like she has good communication skills, teach her the "I" statements instead of hitting. "I don't like to be pushed." "I would like my book back, please." etc. I'm glad that you're teaching her to walk away and get help as well. Have her realize that the teacher is there to help her. She may need to be able to feel comfortable with the teacher before she brings her troubles to the teacher. Maybe a little teacher with your child time after or before school? I know that the teacher is usually busy before school starts, but I'm sure that the teacher would be willing to help.

It really does sound like she is uncertain about the switch to kindergarten. Not for the subjects being taught, but because it is huge comparred to pre-school, and there are hundreds of kids rather than just the 20 or less kids that you find at most pre-schools.

Maybe she needs the extra Mom attention to sort of "center" herself. Hitting, even though it gets you negative attention, still gets you attention.

Good responses so far, and I particularly agree with Bethany. She's only in kindergarten, still really a baby, and I'm guessing that once she gets used to the class she'll calm down. A kindergartener hitting isn't the worst thing in the world.

maybe see if you can sit in the classroom one day to just observe. you may not see anything but you just might notice something that you know could bother her. it is hard for them to move to kind. but she also went to preschool so she had the interaction. and don't do too many punishments at once... that just makes matters worse and they get more angry. :)