Nieces Behavior

Instead of 'events' (like movies or bowling) she needs 'rituals'. Daily opportunities for the two of them to talk and discuss whats going on in her life. It could be as simple as an after dinner walk or doing dishes together. My daughter and I talk on the way to school everyday. It might not seem like much, but we are able to talk about all hopes and concerns she has 15 minutes at a time, everyday.

This child needs tons and tons of her mom and dad's time and attention. Teens and preteens like to give the impression that they don't want their parent's time but they are yearning for it.

A girl like this needs her dad to model how a man treats a lady - so he should take her out for breakfast or lunch once in a while, when she needs something repaired in her bedroom (curtain rod, closet door sticks, replace knob) dad should teach his daughter how to fix it by working along side her. When she's on the couch watching some dopey Disney show he should come and sit with her and goof around with her about the show. By investing in all this time in his daughter she won't be starving for the attention of the boys around her who will be all over her.

Mom needs to go shopping with her daughter and friends. AS they shop explain things like - n omatter how you dress you can't control who is going to look at you. so if you want to look pretty for a particular cute guy, realize that the old dude in the truck, or the school janitor will also be looking at you. My duaghter had an eye-opener when she saw an old guy at a red light ooogling this 13 year old scantily dressed girl. The girl had no idea that the gross old dude was leering at her. My daughter said she wanted to go take a shower after seeing that. She was about 14 at the time - and it was a big lesson for her regarding her attire.

Kids want to spend time with us even when they don't show that they do. Spending lots of time with us as parents shouldn't be considered a reward for behavior - but should be part of theirs & our lives.

You don't say what the misbehavior is so I don't know how bad it really is.

That said, an 11 yr old on a period and a D bra size is going to get attention she may or may not want. Plus she is probably not emotionally ready for this attention.

What she needs more than anything is a good support system and open communication with her mom (and you). She is at a very vital age emotionally because her body is changing and maybe her maturity is not catching up as quickly.

I do suggest spending a lot of time together with your sister LISTENING to her. You don't have to go to movies and have mani/pedis to have quality time together. A nightly routine of a walk after dinner is perfect for some bonding time.

Good luck to her.

NYMetroMom is right in every way. Send your sister her post word for word. Girls this age (I have one) need a LOT of support in so many ways. The fact that your niece is already in a D-cup means that she is unfortunately going to get a lot of attention from boys and men, and she needs to know her parents are there to help her and for her to ask questions of them.

You don't say what the misbehavior is or how they discipline her, but they really should try getting some good books on tween girls (because whatever they went through with their son at this age is not the same!). Anything by American Girl is good stuff -- parents should read it as well as kids (AG body book, friendship troubles book, middle school book etc.).

The girl does need fun with mom and dad, and without the brothers around. If they have good, solid and appropriate consequences in place for misbehaviors they will no longer feel that any fun they have with her is "rewarding bad behavior." Please help them find some books, videos etc. about discipline for this age girl.

Will your sister listen to any advice?

She is going about this backwards. She absolutely SHOULD be taking her daughter to the movies, and spending fun, quality time with her whenever possible, so she won't go off the rails when she's a teen.

Instead of being punitive, how about having some fun with her daughter, and then maybe her daughter won't "misbehave" as much.

You don't give a lot of info, but I think your sister needs to lighten up and enjoy her kid, while giving her RELEVANT consequences for bad behavior.

Relevant means the punishment fits the crime. What does not ever having a fun family outing with her child have to do with general "misbehavior?"

Worse is to come. Your sister needs to figure out the proper way to manage her daughter now. NYMetroMom's got it right.

What your niece needs, is a "relationship" with her Mom.
The girl, obviously, is lacking in what she needs... emotionally.
Meaning, she needs a Mom... to confide in and talk to and chat with and share her hopes and fears and dreams with.
When a child lacks this, in their parent... they act out.
Because, there is no connection... with the parent.
No physical or emotional, closeness.
And thus, they lack an "anchor."

If a parent only treats all things, with only a punishment or reward for "behavior"... then what is MISSING is... the parent does not have a heart to heart "relationship" with their child. Because, all interactions with their child only is contingent on rewards and/or punishments. But it does NOT, nurture or develop any sort of relationship with the child. And the child then does not feel any camaraderie with the parent.
So then they get "lonely" or feel, not close to their parent. But any child, no matter how old or young... needs a Mom. To be close to... despite any happy or grumpy feelings they might have. A child, needs a Mom to chat with, about anything. Without fear of punishment or rewards, hanging over their heads.

Many times, scolding or punishments or rewards, becomes the basis of any parent/child interactions.
But this just overlooks, a child's actual needs or lack. Emotionally.
And it then creates a dynamic where the parent doesn't even "know" their child.

Your sister... being her daughter is 11, needs to nurture her daughter. Not think of her only in terms of punishments or rewards.
She needs to, see her daughter per her development and age, and try to KNOW her daughter... despite difficulties. So that they can become close. As a Mom to a daughter. Not as "friends."
A Mom, has to be there for their daughter. Even when the daughter is having difficulty. Not just punishing.
With my daughter, I KNOW... if she is just being difficult or if there is something else, churning underneath the surface.
And I am there... for her.
We are close.

She needs a specific consequence to each specific behavior. She does not need to stop doing fun things in general. If she does something wrong, and then serves whatever consequence, then going to a movie at a totally separate time is not rewarding the behavior.

Totally agree with NYMetromom!

What kind of misbehavior???

12-year-olds can get into such a wide range of trouble, it's a little hard to answer without some specifics.

I'm also a little curious/confused about why you provided so much detail on her puberty/development issues. Do you think these are related to her behavior? I ask in part because girls whose breasts develop significantly at a young age often experience significant sexual harassment -- from boys their age and from grown men. And, there's really no good way to handle this. That's why grown women file lawsuits on that account. So, depending on the situation, it may not make sense to assume that she's just seeking negative attention and that the only solution is a punishment. But I don't know enough, at all, to recommend anything at this point.

Excellent point from Leigh R - she is 11 years old and in a D bra. That means she is most likelly getting a good bit of negative attention from boys AND girls - the ones in her class, and the older boys too! The older boys will mistake her for an older girl. Its VERY hard on the girls that develop before the majority of their peers. It will wreck her self confidence if she can't figure out a way to deal with her feelings on this, and she probably needs help! Mom should actually be doing the opposite of what she is doing now... she should be spending as much time as possible with her daughter. She cant withhold time and attention and really think that will make her daughters behavior to improve?? If she has behavior problems, address the specific behavior with a specific punishment, and move on. It sounds like mom is kind of holding a grudge all of the time, and that will only drive a bigger wedge between them.

We need a little more detail..

What is the behavoir? What has been tried.

I know that it seems to be a cicle.. sometimes depending on the behavior, ignoring it is the way to go, sometimes consequences etc.. it just depends.

Your sister doesn't need to take her to the movies, she just needs alone time with her daughter. That can be as simple as running errands, going grocery shopping together or just some quiet time at home. Both of my kids (a 17 yo boy and 14 yo girl) come to my room or ask to speak to me alone in my room when they want to talk. It's something we've done since they were little. It might be a little more difficult to establish a new ritual at age 11 but it will be worth it for both of you.

My kids tell me everything, literally (and they haven't always been angels). I never yell and scream at those times (I do yell when they aren't doing what I ask, when I ask, that kind of thing - I am no saint. lol). However, they both know my views on sex, drugs, alcohol, relationships, grades, friends, appropriate clothes, etc. I've always given them correct and age appropriate information along with what and why I believe appropriate behavior is. They've experimented in different areas and we've discussed it. They have subsequently made what I consider good decisions afterward. They know they can come to me about ANYTHING. And they do.

From the little information posted I'm going to guess your niece is silently screaming for attention. Her hormones are probably contributing. If your sister doesn't take the time to build an open and honest relationship with her right now your niece's behavior will only get worse and it will be difficult to fix. She needs to listen to what her daughter is saying and not saying or she won't bother later when it's even more critical.

Good luck to her.

Without more details regarding the types of behavior and what has been tried, it is hard to answer.

As a general rule, if she's acting out for attention don't give it to her. When she's misbehabing tell her "Suzy, I know you want my attention but that is now how you get it. Go to your room until you can behave...THEN you can have my attention". When she's being good, recognize it..."Suzy, your behavior has been much better. I appreciate it". Give her undivided attention and have those occassional one on one outings with her.