My 6 Year Old Daughter Is Having Issues in School

Do you ask her what she would like as far as other activities, sports, gymnastics, dance, some playtime with family???? Maybe she is interested in music, dance, arts and crafts. Then she has a better sense of an accomplishments even at her young age.

I agree with Amy P. She's been through a lot, and I don't think more punishments are going to help or be a good thing. Notice rewards worked better. I would really focus on rewarding any and all good behavior, and ignore negative behavior. Any day that she is good in school, do something special with/for her, whatever it is that is meaningful to her. I just read a book about animal training that suggests this approach for humans, and it really makes sense. Can't remember the name of the book offhand.

What motivates YOU more, reward or punishment? Personally, I am much happier and do more things when something good happens because of it, not something bad.

I don't know, it seems so common sense to me. I have personal issues with a strong "discipline" approach to parenting, so it really makes me crazy when people give advice to punish more and more. My mother is a huge believer in discipline, and believe me mothering isn't her strong point, so you can bet that if you just do the opposite of what my mother believes, you're going to do pretty well.

I would start by talking to her pediatrician. Her behavior may be out of her control and she might benefit from seeing specialists. Our son has ADHD and when he's not on medication, has some of the same behavior problems you've described -- the stuff that doesn't make sense, the aggressiveness, etc. He doesn't respond to punishments. We once emptied his entire room of all toys and he had to earn them back. Instead, he continued the bad behavior. When it's out of their control, the punishments don't make a difference.

Good luck!

Three thoughts. 1) Spend more time with her. Kids crave attention--even negative attention if that's how they get more. With all your changes, spending time with her is so important. 2) Can you spend a day at school with her? It would be great to be there and whisper in her ear, as though you are her conscience, giving her ideas on appropriate responses. 3) Have you read Love and Logic? Punishments don't work for many kids. You can still be naughty in hope of not getting caught. Learning inner discipline, and logical consequences, help children learn self control. Love and Logic is both a book and a class that is taught. Maybe there's one in your area, or at least a book at your library.

Have you told her when she is mean/rude/nasty to others that she is hurting their feelings and making them feel bad? And how the teacher is there to teach her and that is her job...and that your daughters job is to listen and learn?

I have noticed that my kids take more out of a "lecture/talking to" when I try to explain how their actions effect others.

Boy, she had an awful lot of life changes this year! Have you tried talking to her about WHY she's behaving like she is? It's very possible that she doesn't really realize why she is seeking negative attention. It may not be a bad idea to find a good family therapist and have her help your daughter work through some of the anger or confusion she may be dealing with. It also may not be bad for you to learn how to best handle these situations.

Best of luck!
C.
www.littlebitquirky.blogspot.com

I have twin girls who are 7. Their behavior may not be as extreme but this year they have started rolling their eyes at my, doing some thing with their head that I can't begin to mimic and just being snotty. I think for us a large part of it is the tv shows they watch. Everyone is snotty to their family, their parents, etc.
One of my girls goes to a psychologist because she was diagnosed OCD. It's not the same thing but I am a firm believer in counseling for just about EVERYONE. I went to one when we were going through infertility. For some reason it's easier to talk to someone outside of your family about your feels or to talk to someone ABOUT your family. She may need to work through her feelings about the divorce and can't talk to you about it. My daughter has had no embarassment about her appointments. In fact it was a year before she realized why she was going to talk to this lady.
One of the schools in our district uses the love and logic approach that others have recommended here. My sister thinks it's great. I have the book but haven't taken the time to read it :)
Good luck.

I'm not sure I have any answers for you. At this age, children don't have a conscience, and the punishments and rewards are nothing compared to not being able to see her father as often as she wants. They say a divorce is the equivalent of having a parent die, so that puts you in a really hard position. It sounds like she could use some counseling.

First of all I applaud you for seeking answers. Children just don't enjoy making poor choices. I also appreciate that you aren't excusing these choices, but you do need to find out why she is making them. I wonder if she is seeking attention, and any attention will do. You said you spend time discussing the behavior and the next day she does something else. May I suggest not rewarding her poor behavior with negative attention? Focus on the positive. The days you don't get a phone call, spend the same amount of time with her - but play a game, talk, go for a walk, read together. This is positive. See what happens the next day. Before any more poor choices are made, clearly define the consequences for these choices. Loss of TV, in her room, not going to a friend's house for example. Don't give it tons of attention. Tell her what you expect, deliver the consequence and end of attention.

With all of the changes she has had she needs to know that you aren't going anywhere. She also needs to know when you are proud of her and have the confidence that she can make positive choices. Stick to things that are safety related. Tell her you need her and want her to be safe, thus rules on the bus are to be followed. You will help if school work is difficult, but you know she is smart and that her teachers are not going to give her anything she can not do. She can if she tries first. Really hunt and look for everything you can to praise, praise, praise. Remember to make the praise real. Kids know when you are flinging the cow manure! Real self-esteem comes from self-control and learning to make those tough choices.

Finally, engage the assistance of your daughter's school guidance counselor. They can connect you with great outside counseling services to support both of you as learn to make your way.

I wish you both success.

S.

Try www.teachingselfgovernment.com

This is an approach that is not only discipline but strengthening your family whatever your marital status it can still work.

Wow. You HAVE been through a lot of changes.
My kids went through a lot with my divorce too and the one thing I worked really hard on was making sure they knew, no matter what, the one thing that wouldn't change was Mom. (Actually I did change, but for the better because I was so much happier). They still had their same bedtimes and routines and I was still strict with them. I didn't get soft or try to overcompensate because I knew the divorce wasn't easy for them.

I disagree that kids at 6 don't have a conscience. Choosing to do the right thing as opposed to the wrong thing is definitely something that is learned as kids grow. But, they are capable of empathy, in my opinion.
Maybe talk to her about how it makes her teacher feel when she gives her a bad attitude....how it makes other kids feel when she's mean and bossy to them....how it must have really scared the bus driver when she stuck her head out the window and acts up on the bus. The bus driver has LOTS of children to drive safely and that's why there are rules on the bus.
Be sure you daughter knows the Golden Rule:
Do unto others as you'd have done to you.

Would she like it if people were mean and bossy and rude and disrespectful to her? Of course she wouldn't. But if she keeps it up, that's how people might start treating her.
Another thing I was wondering....does she think she's being funny?
I've dealt with about a million different kids and some of them who've acted up, when we got right down to the bottom of things, thought they were being funny. The fact that no one was laughing didn't clue them in, so they amped it up a little.
I know when my daughter was little, the show Full House was a big hit and the littlest in the family, Michelle, had her famous phrase...."Duh!"
Everyone clapped and thought Michelle was so cute and when my daughter started doing it, she found out very quickly how un-cute her Mom thought it was. She responded to everything I said with a Duh! That show went right out the window and everytime she said it, it was 15 minutes less of riding her bike or having a friend over. Three Duh's in one day equalled 45 minutes and she got over that habit really quickly.
Does she think if she acts up that her dad will communicate with her more?
You probably already do this, but set aside at least one night a week for him to call her and talk to her on the phone.
Maybe take her to the post office and let her pick out some cute stamps and have her send something to her dad once a week, even if it's just a picture she drew or colored in a coloring book. It might make her feel better.

I wish you good luck and I hope you get some great responses.

Start small. Discipline and rewards don't always work until you can help change her outlook on her behavior. Often times, too much punishment can backfire and the child feeling they have no real contributions, will continue to act out, and smart children see through the reward system as well. The reward system doesn't teach the child how to decrease impulsiveness, only how to do something for a reward.

For starters, catch her doing something good every day. Give her lots of compliments (even if you have to try hard to think of one), build up her self esteem. Children who feel they have worth, make better decisions.

I really recommend this book by Dr. Sears, (Love and Logic) is a good book too) it has helped me tremendously!

The Discipline Book: Everything You Need to Know to Have a Better-Behaved Child : For Birth to Age Ten

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0316779040/carroll...

I also agree, maybe a family counselor can help, and I definitely believe children this age and younger have consciences!

Try timing her out, or taking her favs things away!! Im hoping that i dont go thru that when my daughter goes to that age!!! Wish the best of luck!!

Good job teaching her right and wrong and enforcing, so you know she's not confused. As you said, she's got lots of reasons why insecurity, loneliness and anger may be festering after a rough few years added to school pressure and a change in age and maturity. Kids this age DO have a conscience. Sometimes they just lack the sophistication to realize it's best not to hurt feelings in the big picture, but they do understand hurt feelings. Right now, she is seeking the negative reaction.

The rules you have set will serve you well once you get this managed, so don't give up because nothing is working right now. Discipline is a fact of life, and is needed by all kids, but rewards are a bit sketchy if directly buying good behavior in the moment. Good behavior should be the norm-it's better that her life is genuinely rewarding all the time in contrast to when she needs discipline. It sounds like you were basically living this way, but with the hurdles you guys have faced, she's gotten knocked off track.

I wouldn't amp up the discipline right now in a crisis (don't get rid of it either) Therapy may help if you are lucky enough to find a great ally for your daughter to talk to who can also give you good advice as a mom for things to do.

What struck me when I read this is that maybe she feels angered or attacked from somewhere, or unhappy about something-maybe people, herself or school, misses her dad, senses something scary to her, something vague- and can't voice it. I think she needs a huge change of routine or scenery and a lot of time with you to re-establish yourself as a best friend as well as the boss. Shake it up so she senses a difference and a new beginning. If there is a way for you to take her on weekend day trips to do something totally new and special and open the avenue for talking by just hanging around together, you may hear some things that are upsetting her. It may take time, but at this age, at least she will want to be with you, unlike a little later.

Over the next few weeks, you should really try to increase time with her and do brand new activities to perk her up. Even if it's stocking up on new coloring books and sitting for as long as she wants and coloring, going through her clothes and editing together, playing dress up, new playdate with new friend and mom you can go to together. whatever. New and special times. Keep up a dialog. Try not to force your agenda. She's almost showing teenage angst. Get a hold of some good books to read together, movies to watch TOGETHER in which girls are heroes and act like ladies- no modern crappy TV shows with their bratty kids. Turn off the tv and have her help with chores while singing or playing games. Just let her "feel you" being there for her in a new and increased way. Increase attention from dad if there's a way to do so if it would make her feel better. Focus on making her life better and broadening her experience and mainly LISTENING for what's bothering her.

Have a meeting with her and let her know you are going to be checking in every week with the bus driver and teacher to make sure she is acting properly. Take her with you to talk to the bus driver and say you're all in this together, and with the teacher too-I know you're already working with them, but make a "symbolic fresh start" meeting with your daughter with the tone, "OK, here's the new and improved young lady, we're going to be checking in, I know she'll act well.." where she is listening to you and seeing them react and getting new reinforcement. Right now she thinks they're already disappointed in her. Wipe the slate, start fresh. Have them encourage her and re-clarify the rules.

When you do have to enforce discipline, like if you personally catch her rolling eyes or being bratty, act swiftly and make sure your tone is not angry. It's not personal. Say it with the tone and motivation, "Its my job as your mom because I love you to make sure you act like the nice young lady you are, so I have to give you a consequence when you do x. You cannot do x, and if you do, x will always have to happen." Then follow through every time. This way, she doesn't sense any anger or personal disdain from you to fuel her anger, nor is she succeeding in upsetting you and getting negative attention so she can "hate you". She is the ONLY one paying for the decision to do wrong actions-her choice. Over time she won't want to continue when the alternative is a nice happy life with enough attention. Don't "get mad and punish her". Be fair and respectful while giving firm consequences if she CHOOSES the wrong action. My kids (4 1/2 and 2 1/2 are at the phase when I sigh like I'm bored and I'm like, "Ah, man, I can't believe you guys are forcing me to do x because you're doing x..." and they're like, "NO WE'RE NOT, MOM!" and they turn it around on a dime like they're outsmarting me, but that's because we've always been very firm and followed through in the past after one or two warnings.

As for rewards-make these your new special activities and her everyday life, don't bribe her to be good. Life doesn't work that way (if ONLY the cops would pay me not to speed), and it can give a false sense of entitlement. Watch out for teenagers who think they should "get something" every time they follow your directions.
Good luck, don't give up, if you keep working hard from your heart, you will be rewarded.

It maybe helpful to read the "Chicken Soup for the Kids Soul" books with her. She will probably love the one on one time with you and the stories will give you the opportunity to discuss with her other peoples feelings and how our actions, good and bad, can make others feel. Best of luck to you. It sounds like she is hurting.

I put my children in counseling when I went through a divorce. A good play therapist can do wonders for anger issues and behavior. I highly recommend it.

Yikes-I really feel for you. I would absolutely get her in counseling. It could possibly be that she feels so bad about herself that the only way to feel better is to make someone else feel bad. The classic bully MO I hate to say. Sounds like you don't want to raise a "mean girl" so I def think counseling is worth exploring.

Kids don't know how to deal with stress. She is doing the best she can. But as you well know, she can do better & you can help her. If I were you I would talk to her pediatrician and get a recommendation for a good child therapist. She needs someone to talk to & help her deal with all of her feelings. Sometimes parents just aren't enough.
Good luck.

I think you both need to find a family therapist. This kind of behavior is not normal for her, but it could follow her for a long time. Kids get a reputation in school that is hard to lose then. It sounds to me like she's crying out for help. And of course, you need and deserve support through all of this too. This is the first time you've faced this, but a good family therapist will have seen it all before and be able to offer you some good advice. Good luck!