New Step Mom

go to the movies that night you get them or go swimming at h20 oasis or the school pools. Make it fun and relaxing for them. easier and less stressful on you all.

The best thing that my step mom ever did was tell me that she wasn't trying to replace my mom. I have always called her by her first name and we have always been more like friends than mother-daughter. You do need to set ground rules up front or she will take advantage of you. Sit down with you fiance and write out your rules- everything from bedtimes, to any chores she is expected to do, to what is allowed and not allowed in your house. Then set down with her together and let her father tell her what you both expect and what the consequences are for misbehaving. She also has to know that the rules are for her and your son and that she isn't being singled out. My step mom and i always have a girls day. we go shopping for a new outfit and have lunch. To this day we still do it everytime we get together but now it is with my daughter as well. we have done it for 20 years. Just try to find something that you can do together. You have to be firm with rules but not mean and you and your fiance have to be consistent because she is getting to an age where she can play one against the other(been there done that). GOOD LUCK and just try to have fun with her.

The best thing you can do is level with her and speak to her about your fears. She is just as afraid of you as you are of her. Ask her what her favorite activities are, who her friends are, favorite subjects in school. Try to spend some time with her one on one shortly after her arrival. This will make her feel wanted and more at ease with the situation.

Hi R.,
I was very lucky with my 2 stepkiddies. They are now 10 and 12, they were 6 and 8 when I started living with them, but when I first met them they were only 3 and 5 and so I had a few years of just being friends with Dad before we became a couple. They are great kids, and our relationship is very good...I count myself lucky every day that I get to be with them. OK, my top 10 pieces of advice:
1. Don't rush things.
2. Definitely let her know your fears; honesty is CRITICAL.
3. Don't let other folks' descriptions of her color your judgement. Let her actions speak for themselves. My stepdaughter can be both a total dirt-encrusted tomboy and a fashion princess...often switching several time a day! (Yep, she's hell on laundry!) Let her tell you what she likes.
4. Having some fun/special activities planned for when she arrives is great, but make sure there is also plenty of "boring old home time." Let her explore her new world, and figure out her place in it.
5. If you and Dad disagree on child-raising issues, save your discussion for when she's not present. Try to present a united front (it's hard!).
6. Let her help/hang out with/be in charge of your toddler. I bet she'll love getting to know her new stepbrother! My stepdaughter loves littler kids and getting to be the big girl (my stepson also)...
7. Routine can be very important...make sure she gets to bed, eats, etc. on a pretty good schedule. ALWAYS leave some evening time for you and your guy.
8. Routines can be broken. Don't freak out if you have to eat late one night or if she doesn't get to bed on time.
9. Don't give her directions in the form of a question unless she really does have a choice. "Do you want chocolate or vanilla?" - OK; "Do you want to go to bed now?" - not great. Try "Ok, honey, it's time for bed. Which jammies do you want to wear tonight?"
10. Be consistent, don't be afraid to be gently firm, but DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF! You'll do fine! Just the fact that you are so worried about your relationship with her and getting to know her is really positive. You're genuinely concerned about this and she'll know it and that is a good thing. Best wishes!

My advice? DON'T STRESS!! I'm sure you and your future partner have discussed children, having an addition from a future relationship, and possibly having more...

Dads, and moms as well, don't always know what their child is all about. Kids have a way of adapting to their surroundings, and therefore, I would not consider her a tom boy or a girly-girl. She is just "who she is"...

It would be nice to have a manual, but as you know by having your own son, it's just not that practical. Be yourself, 'cause that is one thing you can always count on, and so can everyone else (your future husband and the new addition). Remember that "he" obviously felt you would be a good fit for "his" family, that you are a good person and that everything will work out. Try not to put too much stress on "making her like you"...

I personally have been on both sides... I was raised by my step mother since I was 3 years old. I was a horrible child, always making my step mother prove herself and pushing her to her limit. I didn't do it on purpose... it just came natural... lol...
I fought with my step mother as far back as I remember, mostly due to the fact that "dad" never had "rules"... "Mom" was the one who was strict, taught me what was right and wrong, got angry with me and let me know it (in a respectful and honest way). I fought it, but not because of her, it was because I could "work dad"... Boy was I a terror! My poor MOM!

She has been my saving grace. I would not be the person that I am had it not been for her being in my life. I gave her a tough time, and we didn't always get along. I know I have hurt her very much as a teenager by saying things like "I want to go live with my REAL mom" in which she was always a mother to me! She is my very best friend now and always will be! I never thought I would be able to have this sort of relationship with her, but she has definately earned my respect by being consistent, honest, loving, nuturing and most of all, unconditional... No matter what I may have said or did, she always treated me as though I came from her.

On the flip side of things. I am now involved in a relationship where there is a step-father (soon to be anyways)... My 11 year old son doesn't know what it is to have a father (or a male role model for that matter)... My son is very "clingy" to the future partner, to the point of becoming annoying (in my eyes mostly). The desire for my son to continuously be around him is becoming a little stressful, he has tried (in his way) to tell my son that he isn't going anywhere and will be their for him no matter what...

What I've noticed is that when my son is "bugging" him for
"time", my future partner tickles him, laughs and makes light out of his annoyance. This gives kids a mixed message. I don't have this all figured out quite yet as things change on a daily basis, but I do know that it helps to communicate. I believe that he is perfect for all of us, and I will support and coach him on my children. I want nothing more than to help him, my children and myself in making the transition in becoming a family together.

I don't think anyone can tell you how to go about receiving a new member of the family until you can see for yourself what she's about---with YOU! I know I've been blabbing... please remember, if nothing else, to just be you!! Your future husband loves you for it, and obviously believes you will make a teriffic mother for your new daughter...

Good luck and best wishes for you all!!

I can give you a little advice about shy children at least. Give her space. Kids can feel when you are trying too hard and they hate it. Let her come to you about something...maybe doing a fun activity you think she would like. Art or cookies something where you know she can't resist asking to be involved. Good luck. My husband has been a step to my two oldest adn without prompting they have started to call him dad. We have one two year old together as well. Our family is hardwork but wouldn't work without one cog in the gears. Prayers to you B.

Contrairy to your beliefs most of the work has not been done. You are both at a stage where you can learn much from each other. I suggest that you be yourself around her and most important be honest with her about everything. She will respond much better to the stepmom idea if you are very open and patient. Although you are open she may not be just because you are the "new kid on the block" as far as she is concerned being the newest addition to the family that she has known all her life. Just understand that you can only do your personal best and tell her up front that you do not intend to replace anyone but you do want to be a part of her life. Don't forget to let her know that you are doing your best and need her to tell you when she feels uncomfortable or feels that something should be done a little different. In asking for her help with the relationship between the 2 of you, you are giving her the power to be an active participant instead of just a bystander. Smiles B.

All I can say is that you and your hubby need to talk before she gets there. Make sure that you guys are on the same page with who is going to do the disciplining, what the rules are (so you can both enforce them) and make sure there won't be any undermining of each other.

I know that it is hard for the step parent to come into the picture and try to develop a relationship with the child; especially if you feel like you are constantly on the outside (husband and step child's relationship). Make sure you are on the inside with your hubby.

I know that trying to be friends doesn't always work, so I would talk together about what approach he would approve of so you and he don't ever have to argue about it when it comes up. Also, have a family meeting when she comes. Just tell her that if she has any problems, questions, uncomfortable feelings, etc...to please come and talk to you. Just tell her that you are not scary and that you just want everyone to be happy together.

I hope it works out for you guys! Congratulations on becoming a step parent. Many people are scared away from those responsibilities and it is great when two adults can get together, in spite of life, and take care of the kiddies. :)

Good luck!