We are having a discussion at home. Husband goes out every Tuesday night and golfs for about 4 hours. This puts him arriving home around 9 pm. (Sometimes husband may stay for a drink or two after playing as well). Mom works full time, leaves work on Tuesdays, has to rush to school and pick up other kids for practices, drop those kids off and remain at the practice for one with the new baby. Baby is usually hungry, crabby, and that is not to mention the hungry mom!
What are your thoughts on the dad leaving mom to care for three kids ( one new baby almost 6 months old and nursing) every Tuesday, especially considering the transportation issues, etc? I am not looking to debate here nor have I stated my opinion....I just want to hear honestly from all those who have an opinion. Husband needs his time away....but I need a good balance and opinions from others on how they would feel. Please, no harshness today....it is Friday and I would like to enjoy it!
ps - I think some may want to know other dynamics of the fam (for ex, mom does most of the cooking, all cleaning, all laundry.....but Dad DOES help, just obv like most hubbies and does his hubby share. =)
Thanks so far!! So, if mom leaves for a night once a week, does that mean Dad is in charge of dinner, baby, all three kids alone, etc? Same as it is for mom?
(I guess the reason I say "new baby" is because the golfing has been going on for a while.....since baby was younger) And my 6 month old isn't eating anything but breastmilk and the weather is crap, or I would be on that blanket with some puffs for sure!! And to me, I don't feel things are any different with a 6 month old than a 2 or 3 month old. So, still new baby to me! Probably even harder now because he sleeps less!
Seriously Denise? I would LOVE to be home with my kids all day! I have done both, and I will take my crying child and the stress home brings over an angry client and the crap women deal with at work ANYDAY!
Kristina - you nailed it. It is more the "too often" aspect than it is the lack of me time. I do get to go running every other saturday (or sometimes every sat if I am lucky!) But, I am only gone about an hour and half and while it is time away, I am def not golfing, drinking and enjoying the company of my friends. Honestly, I don't really want to be away from my kids for four hours on a weeknight...so it is really just the stress of being alone every Tues...it just hasn't been working. =(
I have suggested a date night. He said he didn't want to go with me. He wants time AWAY from the family, not with me. =(
Another question.....What would you ladies go an do on your night? I hate being away from the kids on a weeknight because I am Ialready away from them 9 hours a day. Suggestions?
My husband would NEVER get away with this, until the baby is older everything else is on hold. I maybe a b##ch but a happy one LOL.
Both of you deserve to have a night out every once in a while. However... Why does it have to be Tuesday nights, especially as it is such a hectic night for the family? Why does it have to be every week? Isn't there another time he could go out? He is a part of the family, is he not?
I would sit down and tell him, that while going out every once in a while is fine, but on Tuesday nights his help is needed with the family. I would explain how stressful it is for me. Hopefully, he would be able to make this small sacrifice for the benefit of his family.
I think it's perfect Dad having his weekly Me time, good for him good for marriage.
Naturally, MOM (even NURSING mom) should have the SAME weekly MOM time, in which DAD does everything MOM does during HIS Me time!
:)
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I wouldn't have a problem with it as long as I got the same courtesy.
I agree with Theresa N. Let him have his weekly golf... don't begrudge him that... but then YOU also get a weekly activity of your choice. At 6 months, you should be able to pump enough to leave the baby with Daddy for a few hours. :)
~Of course he will be responsible for everything... after all, can't expect the kids to go hungry!
One option might be to hire a 'mother's helper' to come during those times, a jr. high or high school student would be perfect. You wouldn't have to pay much, because you (or Dad) will be there too. Just someone to help keep the kids entertained.
IMO, that is incredibly selfish of your husband. I am very supportive of hubby's 'guy time', but weeknights are pretty inconvenient for the rest of the family. He shouldn't be doing that to you.
another vote for allowing hubby his night out as long as you have one too.
My husband has been going out the guys on a weekly (now every other week if he is lucky) basis well before I married him 12 years ago. I totally support his Boys Night Out but he doesn't leave the house until 8:30 pm which makes it significantly easier on me especially when my children were little.
He also has been on a golf league for many years. When our children were young, he took off a few years as he realized the stress and additional responsibility that fell to me. IMO, we all need to make adjustments to our lives when children enter the picture. That is what you signed up for once you decided to be a parent.
Thankfully, we both recognize that we are better parents if we get our individual time to do our own thing. Begin to talk with your husband about what your needs are and come to a compromise that works for both of you. Good luck!
I would NOT have a problem with this.
I get my Friday night out - EVERY Friday - whether I choose to take it or not - the fact remains EACH parent needs decompression time.
YOU need to schedule a night out for you as well....this isn't just about him and his time - YOU need this as well....so figure a night that works for you and have him take on the family that night...If he can't do that - then sorry Charlie - no Tuesday nights for him...it's called balance....
Mine stayed home. He still stays home. His interest is to do things as a family & for the family. He works, he does the grocery shopping alone sometimes.. but "guys night out" isnt his thing. A couple months ago, his friend tried to get him to go to a bike show. He wouldnt go! It kind of bugged me, but he is adament about his "family time" with us. I kind of expect it to change, but maybe not. Before he met me, he hung out at his best friends house, with their 4 kids always around. He babysat alot for them & drove the kids here & there when they needed help. Funny guy, my guy.
My husband does this every Thursday night. He has for years. It's "his" time.
I'm fine with it. I work all day, and then come home and have the kids all night on Thursdays.
That's just life.
On the same note, if I wanted to go do something or set something up regularly, he would have no problem with it - so that's why I think it's fine.
My husband is gone every tuesday (but it is for Fire Hall training), so I feel your frustration as our kids have practice that night and I work full time as well.
But, with golf I would suggest that he choose another night.
Also, if I want to go out (my hubby is VERY supportive of this), he keeps the kids alive and entertained, but there is no cleaning, cooking, housework going on. I get frustrated sometimes because its not always worth going out, you come home to the same amount of work, but now less time to get it done...But I do love that he tries.
If hubby MUST golf on Tuesday then I would say try to make it work, but be sure to set a night each week (perhaps Wed) where daddy is in charge of dinner and clean up. You getting out of the house is probably hard to do, but at least he could offer up something in return.
My husband used to play poker at the neighbors house every Friday night. He left after the kids went to bed though so I was never "stuck" taking care of the kids by myself. It was actually peaceful and I enjoyed my alone time. NOW, if it were at the expense that I was busting my butt taking care of the kids by myself, there would have to be a compromise. Like if you get a "you" night, SO do I! Yep, dad would have to do the dirty work just like you did while he was playing.
Ummm . . . I would have a big problem with that on a weekly basis. Once a month might be OK; however, imho that sort of thing needs to be done on the weekend when all the other weekly pressures aren't piling up.
I'm very sensitive to men's need for guy time - the week night aspect of it is what would bother me.
JMO.
Tell him it is workable if he can do it a different day of the week because your family needs his help on Tuesdays. It would be nice if he would switch with you going to the practices or taking care of the baby. I didn't have that because my hubby works later hours but it would have been a huge help. On days where I have a lot going on after school I throw a roast in the crock pot and it saves so much time plus we come home to such an awesome smelling home. If hubby gets a golf day make sure mommy gets a few hours a week too. Pick your day before you talk so you have it all figured out. Good Luck.
I would not have a problem with it, however, You also need time for yourself as well.
Another thing to consider is weekly date night. We've been together 25 yrs and date night always has been a priority. We rarely miss one. It takes work but it means couple time, communication which is vital to the relationshiip.
You don't have to spend a lot of money, walk the golf course with him, shop, dinner, etc.
EDIT to your what happened.... Yes dad is in charge when you have your time... you deserve your time as well. It helps you recharge. Join a bunko group, go have dinner with a friend, browse the bookstore, walk, go get a mani/pedi, anything that gets you out and refreshed.
Sounds reasonable to me. And what's good for the goose really IS also good for the gander.
This mom should be glad she's not additionally at home all day with the 3 kids!
Can it become everyother week for a time since the stress of weekly does not seem to be working? Do you have something you get to do weekly/bi weekly that is equal? I think the issue may be that it is too often in your eyes and or you do not have the same release as daddy and that can cause resentment.
To add to your what happened question ... if I am out for the day/night/weekend whatever daddy is in charge of it all just like I would be. Household chores may not be done the same or at all but that's not a big deal ... every monday I have a local choir group practice, I leave just before dinner and do not eat before choir so daddy is in charge of dinner, play time, bed time etc that night ... in fact I do not come home until 9:15pm even if choir gets out early ... it's my one night off from bed time routine (it can drag out when I am not there sometimes, it starts at 7:45); Monday night's are my fav night of the week!
I'm so sorry you're bummed out over this!
Maybe Tuesday isn't the best day for it. A different day when the kid-side of things is less busy might work better. But also...maybe, if a wife in this situation could sweetly agree to it, as a gift to the husband, he'll feel happy and get a nice break, and won't need it quite so much after awhile. Maybe he won't need it every Tuesday.
Or maybe, if a wife made a big deal out of it, and acted really stressy and cranky and freaked out about it, and showed him how staying with the family is obviously hard and full of cooking and cleaning and rushing and hunger.....he'd be Running to go Every Tuesday, just to get away from it all. :-)
Congratulations on your new baby! Everyone is adjusting. He's home every other night, right?
My hubby works out of town during the weekday, so our dynamics is very different then the average household. He gets to go have drinks with his coworkers during the week so the weekend is for us. He does go golfing on the weekends tho, but usually takes our son with him (he is 5). But, I think I am so used to doing everything on my own anyways that 4 hours away on the weekend doesn't really phase me anymore.
Hope it works out the way you want it to!
Edited to add - If I had a few hours to myself during the weeknight? I would probable find a hobby like tennis or you said you like running.. I would find some running friends, go for a run and have a smoothie or something afterwards.
Yes, let him go out. And when I think new baby, 6 months does not come to mind. I would say bring some snacks and a blanket and relax with the baby on the blanket while enjoy your others practice. If the 6 mo old had some puffs or soemthing to snack on he/she should be fine. I go out with friend periodically throughout the month, I wish my husband would do the same.
