A Hubby Vent: Me Time

Directly ask for what you want. If he argues, you need to calmly and simply restate it. Less talking is best with most men.

Dude, I would have said "f it" to the grass! At my house that's hubby's job. You can do yoga at home. Just do it when they're asleep.

Have you told him that you need "me time"? My husband used to question it, but after a long talk (and then me coming down with the flu and being out of commission for 4 days), he got it. Without complaint, for the past 3 years, he takes all 4 out to breakfast on Sunday mornings so I don't have to be in mom mode until 10:30-11:00. And also on Friday nights when I am just done, I go into "bubble mode" where no one asks anything of me from 6pm to 9 pm.

Main point - talk to him about it. It is completely draining and exhausting to be in mom mode and be responsible all the time. It's very normal to need a break to feel sane.

If you can afford a Tesla you can certainly afford for somebody to come in and mow the lawn. You can also afford to have a sitter come in once or twice a week so you can get some time to yourself.
I have a feeling this is more about something else that's going on with your husband. Maybe you don't feel appreciated, or you feel he's unconnected, but as far as getting the time you need/deserve I just don't see the problem.
If nothing else just take off for the day the next time he's home, and let them fend for themselves. That's what most of us do!

When our kids were little, Dad was always responsible for bath and bed time. He learned to handle all three like a pro. And those times when I had to put the kids to bed, they would tell me I was doing it wrong. Hee!

We also took turns with who got up with the kids on Saturday and Sunday. Our kids thought getting up at 5am on the weekend was the thing to do. Not great for tired parents! Saturdays, I could sleep in and he would get up. Sunday was his turn to sleep in while I got up. It was a great Saturday tradition that Dad would make scrambled eggs and bacon for the kids while I got to sleep. Sometimes I would get up and meet a friend for breakfast or get my hair done on a Saturday morning.

You don't need to ask for permission to get your alone time. Just look at the schedule and tell your husband that you're doing xxx on y day and do it. About the bath thing, you just need to be firm with the toddler. Dad is giving you your bath whether you like it or not. Do not go in and rescue him.

Or if you need to get something done at home without the kids underfoot, ask him for his help. Say, "Hey, honey, I really need to sort out my desk. The mess is freaking me out. Can you take the kids for an hour? I'd really appreciate it."

I understand what you mean. My husband is great at getting his own time. It's already scheduled into our lives - 2 nights a week and Saturday mornings. I think I always dreamed that a "good husband" would come home from work and say to me, "I know you've been working hard and with the kids all day. I've got it now, you take the rest of the night for yourself." Yep, dream on.

It's not that he won't take the kids and let me have the rest of the night off. But I have to let him know that this is what I want and need. He's not a mind reader.

It's time for you to do the same. Just let him know that Monday night (or whatever night) he is on parent duty. Let him know (today) what time you will be leaving the house. When that time comes, give him and the kids a kiss and leave. They will be fine!

"I wish I could just go away for a night and give him some real sight into my life, but he can't get the toddler down to sleep. She won't even let him give her a bath, and he did that with the others."

This is not your problem. Your daughter will be fine without a bath one night. And he will find a way to get her to sleep! He might end up rocky her or lying down next to her or watching a movie with her in his arms. At some point he will find a way to get her to go to sleep. He is her father, he needs to figure out how to do this. But it's not going to happen unless you give him the space to do it.

I know you are very frustrated and tired right now. Do try to hang in there a couple more days. It is Father's Day Weekend, after all. You do deserve some time to yourself, but do you think you can hang in there until Monday? I'd be more than a little ticked if my husband chose Mother's Day weekend to let me know that I haven't been pulling my weight as a mom and he needs a break!

It's time to schedule your "me time" and let Daddy be in charge of all of the kids.

Assuming you have told him this and he just doesn't get it, you have to realize what we teachers go through: people learn in different ways. There are auditory learners: you tell them stuff, they get it - not your husband. There are visual learners: they read stuff or you put it on the blackboard or family bulletin board, and they get it - maybe your husband, don't know if you've tried it). Then there are kinesthetic learners: they have to do it, over and over, and then they learn it.

So instead of waiting for your husband to "get it" or waiting for whatever time is left for you, you INFORM him of when you are leaving. Do NOT go and do errands - go for YOU time! Go out with a friend, go to a hotel (really!) or a spa, or go to your parents' home since they are away. Shut off your cell phone. Do not take any calls.

I agree that, if there is money for an electric car (as in your last post) and money for judo for everyone (this post), there is money somewhere for a babysitter, a gym membership with babysitting (for you), a spa day, a hotel overnight, a ladies' weekend, and other things. Your husband will learn to get up at 5:15 if you are not there. Your husband will learn to give a bath or put the toddler down to sleep if you are not there. This is also beneficial for your toddler in the long run (so what if she has a bad day the first time?). It is also good for the older kids to see how men and women are supposed to treat each other. They will ALL be enriched by having 2 parents capable of basic child care and home care, and both concerned about their own mental and physical wellbeing.

Leave the house - minimum of 8 hours. 24 is better. Do not do errands. Go to an art gallery or take yourself to a movie. Go to lunch by yourself with a good magazine. Take a book to the park. Browse for fun furniture you will buy when the toddler is not smushing crayons on cushions.

Do not call home. Do not answer the phone. Do not precook meals. Do not do 4 loads of laundry. Do not food shop. Do not leave a note about what brand of diapers are used or what the pediatrician's number is or where the judo uniforms are. Reduce your expectations about what needs to be done or how it needs to be done. If the kids are alive when you get home, that's a success. It does not matter if they are dirty or the house is dusted or they ate cereal for dinner. It does not matter if the big kids miss judo or it's a big huge hassle to get everyone in the car at once. (Hell, YOU do it!) Really it doesn't matter.

Repeat this once a month without fail. It is as good for them as it is for you.

Do not ask permission to do this. INFORM your husband when it is happening and tell him ahead of time to make NO plans at all. You do not need to tell him everything you have planned or get into a big debate. Just add up how much time he's had to himself for judo or other things in the past 2 months, and take those hours for yourself in a big chunk.

I'm sorry...I'm stuck on YOU mowing the grass...WTH???

Sorry. But in our home? I take care of the inside (cooking, cleaning) and he takes care of the outside (as well as the stuff that needs fixing on the INSIDE).

If you are mowing the grass? He might count that as your alone/me time...

Have you sat him down and TOLD him what you need and want and what your expectations are? Have you told him you are NEEDING time alone? He can't read your mind, J..

Make one night a week YOUR night. Mine is Friday. My husband takes care of the kids - dinner, schlepping to friends houses, friends over, etc. IF I decide to stay home - I am left alone. PERIOD. It's been this way for over 10 years.

He can't put your daughter to sleep because she's stuck in a routine. If she throws a fit. Let her throw a fit. Does he give up that easily? Come on. Tell her how it's going to be. Why does SHE get to dictate how things go? PAHLEASE!!!

Stop playing the victim. Start taking charge. TELL HIM WHAT YOU NEED. Stop expecting him to read your mind. COMMUNICATE??!?!?!??!?!?!

Set a day of the week that is JUST FOR YOU. Husband MUST step up and do whatever needs to be done with the kids and LEAVE YOU ALONE...

Hire a house keeper. Seriously. Have someone come in once a week. That will relieve some of your stress.

HIRE someone to help you....heck...even a teenager after school as a Mother's helper...if you aren't willing to discuss with your husband what it is you need - HIRE SOMEONE to help you.

Stop allowing your toddler to rule the roost. let her throw her fit and then ask her when she's done if she's ready to cooperate? If not. Let her throw her fit and move on. She is getting what she wants and messing with everyone else.

Your idea about the part time job is not a crazy one. I used to sound just like you, and back in 2009 I took a part time job at Walmart working afternoons and weekends. I only worked a few months before my husband was begging me to stay at home again, but I made it clear that it would not be like it was before if I started staying at home. That he would never just assume I had the kids and make all these plans, and that some alone time for me every day was a must. It has been better since. :)

Have him take all the kids to judo when the kids go for their classes. I did it when my son was in TangSooDo. Daughter was 2 1/2. I sat through every single class with her in my lap or whatever. Dad can do the same.
You figure it out. You take crayons. You take books. You don't get to watch every second of class b/c you are distracted. So what?!
You make it work.

The end.

Here's the thing J., unless YOU put it on the schedule, it's not happening.
When mine were little, like yours, I had a standing date, every Friday, to walk with my BFF in the early evening around 5 or 6 depending on sunset/heat factor.
My husband worked long hours, went to the gym, played golf, etc. but that Friday night was MY time.
Because I made it so.
Sometimes we even hung out and had a drink or dinner after!
And there is absolutely NO reason you can't go away for one night. So WHAT if your child throws a fit, gives your husband a hard time, doesn't sleep well? She's not going to die, or suffer any long term damage.
Neither will your husband.
Once you let go of some of that control you will realize the world (ie, your husband and kids) can function without you. Perfectly? Of course not, but that doesn't mean that YOU need to function perfectly 24/7 either.
Let go of that 1950's housewife/mother mentality and let your kids and husband cry about it if that's what they need to do.

I'm the single mom of 3 with no family near by so I feel your pain. Many here will tell you it gets easier when your toddler is older which is VERY TRUE!!!

Meanwhile, you sort of just have to accept that you don't have adequate down time but will eventually. HOWEVER, since you do have a husband there...you really need to come up with clear assertions and communicate them. I have learned this over time, and now when my ex is in town, I ASSIGN him stuff to do with the kids. ALL THE KIDS. In clear sentences like this: "I am going to the gym by myself tomorrow and then I am running some errands. You need to stay home with ALL of the kids or take them to the park or whatever. I will be gone from noon to 5pm."

Sounds simple, but back in the day when I was so stressed to the max, I just let him thoughtlessly leave me with one or two or three kids all the time so he could follow HIS PLANS (which could have been changed but I didn't force the issue and he was used to doing whatever he wanted so he didn't think twice), and he didn't even realize what was happening to me.

You know what? No one is going to die from missing a judo class or two. And no money is going to end up back in your pocket by attending all the classes. I have a TKD family, we had perfect attendance for 4 days per week for 2 years before I wised up...I get it: In the big picture, it DOES NOT MATTER if you miss some classes. But you might die of a heart attack at this rate. SO. I would have a talk with hubby and say, "Sweetie, here is what I'm dealing with. I NEED Some down time this week. I can barely handle the thought of your class tomorrow because I'll be with the toddler all day and I need a break, I'm so low on sleep. Can you PLEASE miss the class just to spare me my sanity? Can you please take ALL the kids to_________ instead?" Or can you all stay home so I can go out? Please, not EVERY week, just this week?"

Or figure out what sort of doable request you can make coming up. Be frank. Be clear. Be realistic. Be firm!!

Join a gym with a child care. The YMCA is a great place to get a family membership because there is something for every member of the family to do. The kids can have a great time in the child care while you do your workout.

You could also hire a babysitter to take the kids out once in a while so you can have some time to yourself at home. Or trade childcare with a friend.

Why don't YOU take the kids to judo? That way hubby can stay home with the little ones and you can kick back during judo class.

You need to either set actual "appointments" of time to do what you want to do Or you need to learn to say "No". sorry, No judo for you, I have not had time to myself in 2 weeks.

And mom, a dentist appointment? That does NOT count as "Me" time.

Treat this just as if you have an appointment somewhere else. Why can't your husband get up with your son on the weekends at 5:30 and you sleep in? and then later in the day he can go to Judo class?

Or Sat he gets up early with the child and Sunday You get up and he sleeps in?

Find a sitter during the week so you are not so dependent on your mom.,

And Yes, go away for a weekend by yourself or with a friend and allow him to be a full time father. Your son would love it. Or if you ever have a friend going away for a weekend.. (your parents) go stay over there by yourself while they are gone.

Have you tried saying directly to your husband that you need to get out of the house and then just leaving? Have you had a heart to heart conversation with him during which you calmly express your need and actively listen to his feelings about it? I know having such a conversation is difficult when you're so warn out. Perhaps you can just tell him that you're so angry snd exhausted you're going to the library Tuesday night at 7. Make the plan, tell him and leave without trying to convince him of anything.

I urge you to start counseling. Even an hour of telling someone who will listen and sympathize, how you feel will put you on a path to change.

"How do I get him to understand I need time alone?"

You talk to him. I don't see in your post that you and he have just sat down, when the kids are not present (in bed, whatever), the TV off, he is not going out the door to somewhere else in five minutes....and you and he talk. He is not going to know through magical instinct what it is that YOU truly consider "alone time" so you need to tell him clearly and define it. He may say, "But I take the kids to judo so you can have alone time," and you need to be ready to hear that and tell him, "I appreciate that too, and it's great for you to have time with the kids that way. But judo nights still leave me with the baby, getting the baby's dinner and I need some kid-free time that's more substantial. I need....." Then tell him specifically.

"I need Saturday mornings, and not just for errands. I would like to (meet a friend each Saturday, go for a bike ride alone, whatever). Can you take the kids from eight until noon on Saturdays?" Or whatever works. You will need to do the work of sitting down alone first and scripting what you want to say, and listing what you consider real "me time." Point out that he's making his health a priority which is great, but you are the one mowing the lawn while he's exercising and that should be flipped around at times. Not always, but regularly.

It is very easy for one spouse simply to assume, after some years of marriage and after kids are in the household with their schedules, etc., that the other spouse is just dandy with how things are. He very likely thinks you DO get "me time" because he knows you do the errands alone, and he takes the kids to judo regularly and doesn't dump that on you, etc. But it is time to freshen things up and tell him what you need -- and make some specific suggestions about what needs to change. Don't just say "I don't get enough me time!" without having very specific ideas to offer that you know will be OK with his schedule too. Otherwise, frankly, it will look like you're just generally moaning and he won't get that you need a real change.

This is so very not a big deal, what you're describing. It can be changed with a talk with your husband. Be sure to check in with him and see if HE is getting what he needs too. And you do have your mom to take the kids at times -- please realize that though this week was an exception to that, and they're away temporarily, you have something many of us don't have at all; value it and dont' let one "off" week make you too upset.

Getting a part-time job is not a way to get alone time. Unless you are doing it for the right reasons, like truly needing the income, the suggestion is born of anger at not getting your alone time -- as if you want to say to your husband, "If you don't do what I want I'm going to just go get a job, and you can be forced to work around THAT and see how you like it." It's kind of an angry response that doesn't look at first like anger; getting a job would allow you to fall back on saying, "Oh, it's not me needing time, I have a job and can't help being gone!" Please choose communication instead. .

It also sounds like you are just generally frustrated -- yes, a toddler will be a toddler and not let daddy give her a bath at times. (Have you and he just forced the issue and you leave entirely while he gets her to bed? It's not the end of the world if there is no bath at times, and if she ends up with daddy asleep in her room....) And you're tired, as you say. But it all passes, though that is hard to see when you are in the middle of it, and you have a husband who does do things with the kids and a mom who does help out. If you need more, that's understandable, but don't just vent here; plan a talk and make it happen instead.

Can you cut back on other things so you can afford to enroll your toddler in pre school/daycare part time? If I remember another post of yours, aren't you moving? Or just looking to move? To the country, right? If you are not moving anytime soon, find a way to get your toddler in daycare so you can have some tome to yourself.

I'm with Terri. If you can afford a Tesla? You can afford to pay someone to mow your lawn and clean your house.

The only way your husband is going to get any insight into your life, is for him to experience it. That means, you tell him you are going away for the weekend. Give him the schedule and say bye-bye. Go to a hotel, soak in a tub and relax. Take your mom with you. Make it a girls weekend, leave Friday come back Sunday.

Now that sports are over for the summer, I get together with a few girlfriends on Saturday afternoon. We go to our town center and talk. Since it's so humid and hot down here in Georgia, we have found a restaurant that doesn't mind us coming in and staying for a while.

Why not start a book club? Or some type of thing to do with girlfriends? Tyler fully supports my time. He knows how important it is to my mental health and for everyone in the family.

We have a gym (YMCA) that we go to together. The kids have their classes, Tyler does his thing and I do mine. I love to swim. So I get in the pool and do laps or I just sit in the water and "be".

You don't need permission to do these things. You need to talk with (not to - there's a big difference) about your needs.

Amen. I feel your pain. My ex spouse lost access to our child so my parents now watch him while I work. I have no money for a baby sitter and feel like I can't ask my parents for extra time since they baby sit while I work.

I haven't had a single moment to myself in 6 months. My kiddo has anxiety issues, so wakes up at 5:30, too and doesn't sleep well. It sucks and there are days when I think I just can't do it anymore. But then I remember everything ends eventually, one way or another.

Best of luck to you.

Same movie is playing at most of the homes if people I know.
Small consolation, I'm sure.
Sury your kuds go to bed before you right? Tackle your desk then.
Look, I have O. and with a spouse that travels roughly half of the spring, summer & fall, I get what you're saying.
When he takes the older ones to judo, why can't he take the younger ones?
Honestly--you should take them. At least you could sit, read, pay bills, sort papers, etc.
Pick an evening when he doesn't exercise and YOU go.
I'm sorry but he needs to be able to put his own child to bed & give her a bath. Opportunity breeds success.

Find a Mother's Day Out program in your town. I've always found them through the Methodist church. I don't know if other churches do them or not.

Our Mother's Day Out program has 2 different options/locations. One is on Monday-Wednesday-Friday from 10am - 3pm. They go play, do some sit down stuff, eat their lunch from home, lay down and take a nap, get up, get ready to go home. The other one is Tuesday-Thursday from 9am - noon. They go play, do some table stuff, and some other stuff then go home. No lunch or nap.

You enroll them for one day, two days, etc...and they come only on the days you choose.

It's wonderful to know you have a babysitter for certain times and days of the week. You can make all your doc appointments, shopping, taking a nap, cleaning, and more during those times. It's wonderful.

Otherwise find someplace to volunteer or work and make him take part in his home life. There is NO way I'd go out and mow so he can go do something for himself and then take the kids to do it too. He'd be mowing or the grass would be growing and growing and growing. He'd have certain chores and if he didn't do them they would be waiting for him when he decided to finally do them.

All kids go to judo together and get a babysitter or trade with a friend one day a week.

I wish I had answers for you. I think a lot of moms are in the same boat. I totally get the dentist being me time! Sad but true. My husband works 60-90 hours a week. Essentially I am a single parent. I can easily tell me husband that I need to do something but it is still a hassle. I have to ask him. He gets to just schedule his alone time since he doesn't have to ask me to watch the kids.

Oh, I do have advice. It gets easier as they get older!

After the kids come out of our vagina we sort of have to keep an eye on them till they are 18. It's temporary. Hang in there Mom!

My husbands been away for 2 months, working an average of 112 hours a week. We have no family. My sitter got a job. He came home last night @ 10pm but left at 6:30 a.m. to go on a cub scout camping trip w our son; I had to pack everything myself. He is taking 2 weeks off so when he gets back in 4 days we leave the next day to go to Gatlinburg for vacation; I will have to pack for that too :( and he keeps texting lists of things to go shopping for him.

Good luck, I'm exhausted too

You know what my suggestion is going to be, J.. You HIRE help. What's up with YOU cutting the grass? It seems to me that your husband does nothing around the house. For heavens sake, stop trying to put your war chest over your mental and physical health. You do NOT have to ask your husband for permission to have someone come do your lawn. You do not have to ask for permission to hire a babysitter for a few hours.

Your husband is USED to you doing it all for him. When he balks, you look him straight in the face and tell him that if he doesn't like it, he can lump it.

When he takes the next week vacation from work, he would understand your plight if YOU took a vacation and left him with the kids for a full week. Since you're not going to do that, HIRE HELP.

One word. Babysitter.

We have NO close family nearby, so a sitter is the ONLY way for me to get time on my own.

A good sitter is worth her weight in gold.

On Saturday my husband and I went to look at 8 houses, went out to dinner, bought a treadmill (total of 6 hours), and came home to a house full of happily exhausted kids, and my 24 year old sitter was still grinning from ear to ear.

Is there anywhere around you that does drop in daycare or mom's day out that you can drop the kids off of for a few hours for some you time? We have daycares like that around here that offer it and I have SAHM friends who use it.

On another note, my daughter was waking up with the sun until I put a blackout curtain in her room, which gave me an extra hour of sleep a day. Just a suggestion.

Just schedule it. You know that nights aren't good. Pick another time, even if it's not weekly at first. Maybe before your husband has his Saturday morning class, he can be up with the kids while you have that early morning time to yourself. Then, you can be refreshed and ready for your day. Or early Sunday morning. One of those mornings, let your husband be the one to get up at 5:15. Maybe your husband just cannot get up that early. Send ALL the kids with him when he runs them to their appointments. YOU have to just put it on the calendar and be firm. That's what he's doing. You also have to be reasonable, though, which is why you can't just start with a daily/weekly time-off. Right now, just find a space and plug yourself in there. Work out the next one once you've taken a breath.

He doesn't take it seriously because you don't appear to be very concerned yourself. All I see here is you wanted him to make you time when you don't seem concerned enough to make the time for yourself.

A family membership around you is 150 a month. There are tons of classes in the morning and evening that are free to members including yoga, child care is free. That is 7.50 a day for three hours of me time. I used to walk the track for an hour after classes, exercise and meditation all in one, win win.

Whatever babies I had laying around went in a carrier while I mowed the lawn. They had been doing that since they were practically newborns so mowing the lawn with mom seemed very normal to them. They fell asleep in the process, I put them down for a nap and took a nice long shower.

You can't just sit around waiting for me time to fall in your lap, it is all around you, take it. Don't take away from the time he carves out for himself because it is easier, make your own.

If this was really important to you you would have been doing it all along and would have seen that Y membership as too valuable to give up.