Here is the situation: Our neighbors have a little girl (we’ll call her Sarah) who is 5 and she and my daughter 6 have started playing together quite a bit for the last couple months (though we have been neighbors for about 4 years now and have always had friendly conversations). I would say they play together about 2 -3 days a week whether they play at her house, my house or out front riding bikes while her mom and I chat and supervise. For the most part they get along fine, some arguments but never anything physical…or so I thought. Well this afternoon Sarah knocked on my door and asked if she could play with my daughter and if they could play here at our house. I said sure since they have played over at her house several times in the last week…its only fair. They went to DD’s room and started playing, laughing, normal stuff. About 20 minutes later they came and asked to play with the dress up clothes which are up out of reach/out of the way (my DD doesn’t play with them unless she has a friend over) so I got them down and went back to cooking dinner leaving them to sort out who will wear what. I heard a little arguing but it quieted down pretty quickly so I didn’t intervene thinking that they worked it out and if something happened or someones feelings got hurt they would come and let me know. Well they played a little longer and her mom came and got her. DD had dinner then went for a shower. As she undressed I noticed a pretty nasty scratch across her chest and asked her what happened. I have been with her all day and knew it was a fresh scratch. She said she didn’t remember, but I could tell by her face she just didn’t want to say…besides its pretty bad she would know. I asked her again and she told me Sarah got mad because DD picked up the dress she wanted to wear and pushed and scratched her and pulled it out of her hand. I am SO UPSET about this! First it is totally UNACCEPTABLE that Sarah lay a harmful hand on my daughter and second that DD just let it happen and didn’t confront Sarah or say anything to me.
Well I noticed the scratch around 9pm so it was too late to go over and tell her mom which I have every intention on doing tomorrow when they get home from work/daycare. I talked to DD and told her that it is not acceptable for Sarah to do this and that they are not to play together anymore. I expected DD to be upset at this but she told me that was OK and that Sarah is mean and has pushed her before when they were playing at her house. (I’m pretty sure her mom didn’t know this because she would have said something to me).
So my question/concern pertains to the fact that my DD has obviously allowed this kid to mistreat her and has never said anything to me. I guess I am asking for advice on how to encourage DD to speak up for herself and to not ever allow anyone to hit or bully her. And to tell me when something like this happens. What would you say to your kids that would make them understand that this is unacceptable behavior from a friend and how to respond if it happens again (from someone else because Sarah is no longer allowed to play with DD…period.)?
OK…so I’ve read your responses and took some time to think about my reaction and have concluded that telling her she could "never"play with Sarah again was not the best thing…but she WILL be distancing herself from this girl for a while (DD is leaving for a 2 week vacation with my parents next week anyway) and when they do play together again, I’ll be more attentive. My girl really is a sweetie pie and doesn’t like confrontation but I have seen her defend herself plenty of times from her cousins and other friends so she is not (as my dad would say) a “doormat personality”. I don’t know what it is about this little girl that makes DD just blow it off.
So I am going to speak with her mother this afternoon (and I have never had the intention to blow up at this mom, SHE didn’t scratch my child and yelling would not solve anything, that’s a no brainer for me) and just let her know that my DD is disappointed with Sarah’s actions and would prefer to take a break from her for a while. Which is what DD told me she wanted this morning when we talked about it because she has been increasingly aggressive toward her lately (per DD).
It was never my intention to make such drama out of this (I am usually very anti drama…even with two little girls in the house) but I think it’s a good discussion and something to think about…how much aggressiveness would you take from someone before you’ve had enough…should your children be expected to take more in the name of learning a lesson?
Way overreacting. This thing happens... especially when left unsupervised. It doesn't sound like this child is a constant bully, little fights happen between friends all the time.
Take a deep breath.
Kids argue and push and sometimes accidental scratches happen. Do not make a huge deal about it with her mother. You might mention that they had an altercation, but honestly... don't freak out. To tell your daughter that she'd never be allowed to play together is a bit much, don't you think? She didn't want to tell you about the scratch because she knew you'd overreact...
I would let them play together - you are neighbors. BUT - I'd set rules with both of them present. No hitting. No pushing. Use your words, etc...
LBC
"and that they are not to play together anymore"
You are NEVER going to allow them to play together again? Seems a bit extreme.
I totally understand that yes, pushing grabbing and scratching are totally unacceptable, but I think the girls need to work this out with you 2 mamas together. You can not take over this situation, you need to empower your daughter to speak up. I wonder if this is one of the reasons your daughter did not want to tell you? She was afraid you would react like this. Maybe this is why she did not express her feelings, she knew you would handle this for her..
To help your daughter you need to practice scenarios about being friends and when other people are not nice to her. She probably was so shocked by the behavior, especially if she is an only child, she did not realize to tll "Sarah:" "That was not nice." "Ouch that hurt, do not do that." or "Sarah, I am going to tell my mom I want you to go home because you hurt me." Or whatever your daughters feelings were at that moment.
Ask your daughter what did you feel like when Sarah did that? How could you have talked with Sarah?" Then let your daughter come up with some ideas and you share yours.
Then also speak with your daughter about having a guest over and sharing. How to handle another friend that is not polite. How to handle all sorts of situations.
None of us EVER wants our children to be hurt, embarrassed or bullied. But if you want your daughter to stand up for herself, you need to give her these tools. She can handle these things, by using her true words.
I understand you are upset but you seem to be overreacting. My son is 5.5 and sometimes he plays rough with the other kids (he can be on either side). Sometimes kids fight and they need to learn better ways to work things out. By all means teach you daughter how to handle conflicts without getting physical and what to do if they do(like call you or another adult). Let her think of alternatives and then add a few more to the list if you need to. Role playing is a really good way to teach kids new skills. You demonstrate whatever you want to teach and then let her try a few times for practice.
If I were in your situation I would ground the kids from playing together for a while and then see how your daughter feels. If she still wants to play with the other girl you could try letting them play with closer supervision. You can also try and team up with the other mom and both of you could talk to both girls about not fighting and resolving conflicts peacefully. Look up conflict resolution and you can get some simple guidelines. Basically they need to each take turns stating their side of the conflict and them each suggest solutions until they hit on or negotiate one they can both live with.
Okay- take a totally deeeeeeeeeppppp breath...let it out slowly....now, again, BREATHE....
IMHO you are over reacting. Children are learning to play on their own and establishing their own boundaries....
In regards to your daughter - you need to tell her it's OKAY to say NO. It's OKAY to tell someone how YOU feel or what YOU want. But it's NOT okay - to hurt another...
When Sarah comes over again - simply pull her aside and tell her - in my home you will follow my rules...there is not hitting in my home. If you don't like something, you use your words, not your hands. Do you understand me? If she can't follow your rules, she has to leave. period.
I think you should take a day or two to compose your thoughts before approaching the other mom. I agree with the other posters that saying they can never play together again is overreacting a bit. They are your neighbors and as they grow up, will see each other outside all the time. If your daughter really doesn't like her anymore, then fine, she doesn't have to play with her. But if Sarah apologizes, promises to keep her hands to herself, and your daughter promises to tell on her when she doesn't then maybe it can be worked out. But it really is best to give yourself time to cool down. Good luck!
I think you are overreacting just a bit, I am guessing the nieghbor girl did not "intentionally" hurt your daughter. And if you think about it you are punishing your daughter along with her now becuase you "freaked out" she no longer has her friend. Kids fight there are scratches, bruises, honestly even black eye's they are kids. Calm down your daughter didnt need stitches she was not mortally wounded. You tell your daughter that she needs to tell you when fights happen and to be honest you are only getting one side of this story. Calm down take a breath and let you kid be a kid
I think they should work things out. You should also make sure your daughter knows how important it is to tell you or another grown up if someone does something harmful to her, especially if she feels that she can't stand up for herself at the moment. I have a daughter who is 8 now but very sensitive and sweet and she never wants to "tell on" anyone but she and her bestie have had may disagreements and some came to her friend pushing her .. even at school.. It broke my heart to tell her to let her teacher handle it .. I wanted to do it for her. They got past that push/shove thing and are dear friends. Being so little they dont know how to control their emotions all the time.. I think a talk with your neighbors will help out alot. If no one corrects "Sarah" she'll never know she did anything wrong..ya know?
I think you may be overreacting a bit. The scratch may have happened in the attempt to get the dress, not a "out to hurt your daughter" type of thing. Seems your daughter is simply less dominant and will go along with the more dominant personality. We cannot all be leaders and dominants...
I think talking NICELY to daughter and Mother about the incident saying physical outbursts like this are not acceptable and if words and taking turns don't work - then maybe some time apart will make them re-think their actions.
I suggest that you're over reacting. They are just 5 and 6 and still learning how to manage their emotions. I also suggest that it was probably an accident. She forcefully took the dress away from your daughter and accidentally scratched her. This will not be the first scratch your daughter receives. Accidents happen.
Yes, it's good to let her know that she should not allow herself to be mistreated. Better to also let her know how she can prevent a scratch in the future. For example, As an older child or adult we might just hand the dress over because we could "see" that the other person was very upset. Once the situation was calm we would then be able to negotiate. These girls are still too young to know and practice this form of managing feelings and you could begin to teach them.
I do not understand why she can't ever play with her again. This is such a mild incident. YOu were unaware it was even happening. And......I understand why your daughter didn't want to tell you. She knows you well enough to know you'd react this way.
I suggest it's better to monitor and teach young children how to behave instead of punishing and not letting them play with each other. even if she scratched on purpose it's still a matter of teaching how to handle feelings.
After So What Happened. One ends a close relationship after there has been a pattern of aggressiveness and attempts to work the relationship out have failed.
How do you know that your daughter really feels this way and is not just giving you the answers you want to hear?
I've watched generations of kids grow up, and have noticed that no matter how badly we wish our tender littles would never, EVER, get hurt, deliberately or accidentally, the simple reality of it is, they do. And if we argue with reality, we will lose. But only 100% of the time.
In a perfect world, kids could be taught from the cradle to treat others as kindly as they would like to be treated themselves. [sigh] We're still a long way from that utopia. Kids come into the world with aggressive personalities and a willingness to force their will on others. Kids come into the world with meek personalities and allow themselves to be pushed around. Good parenting will help bring them closer to an agreeable middle, but can't change a child's basic personality.
It seems your daughter is one of those who can be pushed, and not push back. Up to a point, this is a good thing. Many small tussles will simply never turn into major conflicts. Civilization depends on people who can turn the other cheek.
It's fine and desirable to teach her non-violent ways to end a conflict. A great deal of this can be done verbally as she gains experience and vocabulary. I hope you will model for her, by talking to the other mom calmly and simply filling her in on what's been happening. Request that she talk to her daughter about it. For all you know, the other child could offer your daughter a contrite apology and not repeat that behavior. Or at least use it less, and less forcefully, as she becomes better able to deal with frustrations and desires. She is only five years old, and my grandson, at that age, has a bit of a journey left to become an adult.
Forbidding the girls to ever play together again is a fairly drastic solution, and one that both they and you could come to regret over the next year or two as the girls mature. Asking your neighbor to have a chat with her daughter and get back to you would be far more reasonable, unless and until the other girl proves herself to be irredeemable (and that's probably not her future trajectory).
You are really upset right now, and understandably so. Your beautiful child has been treated roughly. She doesn't yet know what options she has besides taking punishment and keeping quiet. Bear in mind that the even younger neighbor child still doesn't know very many options, either. You could do both a favor by sitting in on their games occasionally and helping both of them role-play different peaceful ways to handle disagreements.
I sympathize with you because you never want anyone to hurt your child. I would talk to the other mom for sure and let your daughter know that she is to always inform an adult if she's getting hit and to tell whoever is hitting her to stop doing that. Also there should be consequences if your daughter does this to someone else. As much as we would like to think our kids don't hit others, they do. I've watched my daughter hit others and punished her severely (took away toys, made her take a nap) which in her mind was severe. It's your decision if you don't want her to play with that little girl anymore, I've restricted my daughter from playing with certain girls who i felt didn't have as much discipline as they should have so don't feel bad if you do that. There are different strokes for different folks. At the end of the day, you should feel comfortable with who your daughter plays with and she should know how to handle herself with other children. Good luck.
I agree with the others that you may be overreacting. They need to learn to deal with conflict-both of them. If you just remove her from the situation...how is that going to happen? Role play with your daughter so that the next time it happens-she will know what to do.
My guess is that your daughter is a nice girl. She probably sees reacting to something like this as being not nice. She is proud of being nice and doesn't want to feel differently about herself. This was the feeling of my younger son. When I asked him once why he didn't fight back he said it was because he was a nice boy and nice boys don't fight. Our younger neighbor had been pushing my son around for months and he had never said anything to him-he just walked away. SO I told my son it is perfectly ok and actually very important to stick up for yourself. It has nothing to do with being nice...you cannot let people get away with treating you like that. I told him to feel free to say anything he wants back to that child on the lines that you are so mean and I don't want to play with you anymore. And if the child hits him he should hit back. But never be the first to hit. I could see that he immediately felt empowered and the next day he told the kid how mean he was and called the kid some names and you could tell he felt worlds better. It hasn't been a problem since.
This was my solution for my son...you may go about it differently b/c you have a girl. But if my daughter was getting hit I would certainly tell her to hit back. In a world of unicorns and rainbows walking away and getting an adult will fix things. But in the real world that we live in it will teach the bully that your kid is total fair game and will be fun to harass. Getting an adult involved only fuels the fire. Many adults are unwilling to punish their children or even believe their kids could do that. And unfortunately many schools have no real disciplinary action against this type of behavior.
