Negativity About 4Th Pregnancy

I'm on my 4th pregnancy and haven't had any negative feed back. But I do have some questions for you? Do they have reason to be worried? Are you guys financially stable? Are you healthy? Do you have a healthy marriage? Are you other kids doing well? Are you and hubby able to care for them emotionally too? The reason I ask is I have a SIL who is on #3. We all congratulated her but my MIL is a little worried and stressed about it. Her reasoning is valid I feel. She has to babysit my SIL kids all the time!! My SIL works and goes to school, her hubby works too, they don't have a lot of money and are a little in debt. Her youngest is only 2. My MIL just says she wishes my SIL would wait until she is done with school and have a little more money to care for all the kids. Plus my MIL is sick of being the free daycare. She says it's harder for her to enjoy her grandchildren when she has to watch them so much. So I'm not saying you have any of these problems but sometimes there are reasons why people are little cold when it comes to another baby. But congrats none the less. Like I said I'm on #4 too and I can't wait to see my sweet baby :)

I'm not really sure why they would care. Are you struggling financially? Do you ask them frequently to help you with your children? Do you often appear to be "at your whit's end"? If yes... then I can see their concern. If not, then it's none of their business!

Having said that, when my niece announced that she was pregnant with her third child, it was not welcome news. She had her first at 18 (dad not in the picture) and lived with my SIL for three years and they essentially raised the baby. She got married at 22 and immediately got pregnant... if you do the "math", she was pregnant at the wedding, but didn't know it yet. Needless to say, my in-laws supported them financially in many ways and they lived with my SIL for a period of time. So... when baby #3 was announced there were very few cheers of joy, especially when she announced that she was due the day of her sister's wedding. In this case, her choice to have a 3rd child really meant strapping her mother to more childcare responsibilities and the rest of the family needing to "pitch in" and support them. Right now, they live in her husband's grandmother's house because they can't afford to pay rent in a house big enough for their family.

I love her and I love her children, but when she mentioned something about having a 4th... the response was NOT positive and they dropped the conversation altogether.

If you are completely independent with respect to supporting and caring for your children, then tell them to go scratch. If you frequently rely on them... well, I would keep your retaliation to yourself.

I will soon be experiencing this as well, I'm afraid. We were met with shock and negative remarks from my husband's side of the family when we announced #3. I am almost 7 wks into preganancy #4 and don't even want to tell anyone. It wasn't planned, but I hate it when ppl ask that question. It's none of their damn business. I'm thinking of waiting until the holidays and sending a photo card signed From__________ and Baby due June 2013 as our way of announcing it. Then I just won't answer the phone when they call!! Just because my husband's sisters only had 1 or 2 doesn't mean we have to follow. I am so annoyed just thinking about listening to their BS.

That's bizarre that someone would actually be rude to you about your pregnancy. What's it to them? They didn't have to "make" the baby, don't have to birth it, don't have to provide or raise it! It's none of their damn business, so I guess that's what I would say to anyone who dared mentioned anything negative. Combine my attitude with some raging pregnancy hormones, and that person would be luck to survive with their head intact. haha

Congrats and best wishes on a beautiful pregnancy!

Smile and say, "Every family is unique and different and this is what works for us" Then to " I guess we just had a little more love to share" and if they continue "What? Are you jealous, or just naturally snarky?"
Sigh.... family, you can't live with them, can't shoot them and bury them in the back yard.

Why the negativity? Are they concerned for your health, or your financial situation? Is your marriage stable?
Not that it's really any of their business, but I could see being worried about a fellow family member having another child if they couldn't really handle or afford it.
Sure a baby is a blessing, but it's also a huge commitment and responsibility.
And if they have no reason to be concerned, and they are just being jerks, well then, I guess I wouldn't expect much help or support from them.
Like you said, it's YOUR choice, and ultimately your responsibility.

Well, when I was pregnant with my second one back in the 60's it was popular to push the 2 children is enough but then my first was only 4 months old when I got pregnant and was a preemie so was very small still when I was showing. I had people come up to me in stores and say horrible things to me. Really none of their business at all. Then as we had our 4th, 5th and so on I got one family member in particular who refused to speak to me for ages. I know she was going by her life of having to help out with her siblings and they had a large family with no father around much. That was her life, this was ours. In time she came around but it was hard. Our children wore hand me downs and it didn't hurt them. Some looked at it as not giving them the best, etc. So everyone judges from their own thinking but I say just enjoy your pregnancy and baby and don't worry about others although it does hurt I know. You will have the blessing to hold and love. Some people don't consider children a blessing though.

When I got pregnant with my 2nd my step-dad said "what are you going to do with 2 kids?" He's always worried about our finances but I've never asked him for money and we support our kids on our own so not sure what his deal is. But my response was "maybe we'll pick our favorite and return the other one" I wanted to answer something ridiculous to show him how ridiculous his question was. As long as your supporting your own children and not asking them for hand-outs they shouldn't care how many children you have.

At the end of the day if your happy then that's all that matters!

Yes, I heard some negative comments when I was pregnant with my 4th, not many. Sometimes it was ironic. My grandmother kept asking my mom why in the world I'd want a 4th child like I was crazy or something. But my grandmother had 5 kids. So her negative comments probably had more to do with her own difficult experiences than mine. I especially appreciated the positive comments that came my way. Like when a priest stopped as he walked past me and gave me a blessing. I'm not Catholic but I'll take all the blessings I can get!

I am so sorry that you have experienced negativity about your pregnancy, I can't imagine how hurtful that must be. I am appreciative that I do not have personal experience to share because our fourth was welcome and celebrated by all of our family. As was my sister's fourth that they adopted, and my other sister had three but longed for a 4th. My SILs will probably have smaller families (2-3 kids) but have never judged the size of my family. Then again my husband and I come from bigger families ourselves (he has 4 sisters and I have 3 sisters, and my mom was one of 14).
I would definitely express your disappointment and sorrow about their comments. Try not to be angry (at first anyway), just let them know that you and your hubby are excited about your new addition and it hurts you every time they express negative or dismissive sentiments. Be sure your husband is part of the conversation, if not leading it, when taking to his family. I know they will end up loving this baby in the end, but you should not have to put up with their negativity in the mean time. Maybe remind them of that basic childhood rule -- if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. I wish you and your growing family all the best.

@Sweetchaoswith3: All of ours were planned so I have never had to say otherwise, but that question drives me nuts too. If we did have a surprise I would probably say something like: "well, the timing did take us by surprise but we are so excited and happy about the pregnancy." Or if you are religious you could say "It was certainly planned by *Someone*, but we weren't let in on the secret until I got that positive test result, we are thrilled!" Best of luck on your announcement.

I went thru that with my third and fourth. They were all a year apart. So I had a 3, 2, 1 yo and a newborn. Yes planned that way. I just told them how thrilled we were to welcome more children in our family and really did not care what they thought.

Yes, I went through that too. When I was pregnant with our 4th, my mom and my mother in law both mentioned termination to me!!!
They both got me really upset!!!!
At that point I decided not to worry about what others think and that was it..... It's mine and my husband's decision, we are the ones that will have to do all the work and bring up the kids, we raise them, we care for them, we don't get any help, so it's our business. I just ignore the negativity and eliminate negative people from my life......
My sweet little baby is 1 now and I still get the negative looks once in a while when I tell people I have 4. I have learned to accept that some people just will never understand and just go on. It's actually kind of fun to see the expression on their faces when I tell them... ha ha.

Don't worry about the negative people and enjoy your sweet little babies!!!
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

PS- my husband has a friend that has 4. We only had 1 at the time when their 4th was born, and I remember thinking they were CRAZY to have 4 kids!!!! ha ha, and look at me now... I have 4 too!!!!

Jealousy is an ugly thing. Not sure how many kids your sister in law has but could it be possible she is jealous b/c she isn't pregnant? That is my only explanation. That and some people just aren't happy unless they have something to complain about. I was nervous to tell my parents about my 3rd b/c I already had a healthy boy & a girl and my mom was telling people we were done...um...ok mom, thanks but we aren't. I am not sure how she is going to take us having our 4th but we take care of our kids, they are healthy and happy and once that baby gets here, everyone's mood changes. Congrats and best wishes on a healthy pregnancy

"What other people think of me is none of my business."

Say it, live it. People LOVE to judge others against their own narrow world view. It's what we do. Some are better at restraint than others. I'm sorry for them, and very sorry for you, dear, for feeling anxiety over their selfish and judgmental natures.

I think it's WONDERFUL that you're expecting! No matter how many you have, you have the ability and means to add to your family. That's awesome. Congratulations!

Hi T.,

I have 4 children. Luckily, while my family was shocked, they were supportive. I did get some rude comments occasionally from complete strangers, though. Like "Whoa, you're done now, right?"

I know it's hard, but try to ignore it. If it bothers you, distance yourself somewhat from the negative people in your life for a while. Have you told your sister how much it hurts your feelings that she is so negative about this baby?

I'm sure that when the baby is here, they will change their tune and be more accepting and love the baby :)

My grandparents had a big family, and when someone would say something critical to my grandfather, he would just say, "which one of them shouldn't we have had?" I love that response since it makes people realize what they are saying when they are critical-turns the focus to each individual child instead of simply the number. Anyway, they had a lot more than 4 (15!), but thought I'd bring it up anyway.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!!!!!!! :)

Some people in my family seemed to think we were crazy to adopt (a third child) I think it was based on us not being wealthy enough. Or on their own feelings of but now the other kids are nearly grown! Now they love him and enjoy him as the only little one around My friends and coworkers and other family members were super supportive though! You have to let it slide by you and enjoy your pregnancy!

I just want to say I'm sorry you have to deal with this!! My SIL was very rude when we announced #3. I'd still like to rip her head off just thinking about it.

Simply come up w several replies back to deal with comments from strangers and family, ranging from nice to snarky. I'd start off nice, but if the comments continued I wouldn't keep being nice (remember strangers don't know you've dealt w countless idiots before them and may think they are being funny) Start off nice w family. Has your husband talked to his sisters? Have you talked to yours? If it came down to it though and my FAMILY was so rude, and continuously negative I'd let them have it. How dare they?? Sounds like they need a wake up call.

He'd better or I say RIP away.

I would just simply communicate to your sister and in laws that you are sorry they feel so negative about your 4th blessing but this is between you and your husband to have another baby and they are no longer allowed to say anymore negative remarks about it. Ask them to be happy for you and your family and if they cannot commit to that, then I would simply not continue to be a part of them. I know that is probs a bit harsh, but really, family is supposed to be supportive and happy. Unless you are in a really bad situation and got PG accidentally. You need support and positiveness at a time like this. good luck!

T.,

I just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS! I know that negativity around your pregnancy is really hurtful. I am so sorry that the people you love are acting this way. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. When others were not happy with my pregnancy, I simply told them " I am saddened to see that you do not support me or my family. I am really sorry you don't support us or love us enough to be happy for us. I wish you the best but won't be coming by anymore. I need to be supported right now--not brought down." They got the message loud and clear and ended up coming around a few months later and supporting us.

So do hold the the hope and if they are simply rude---give it right back to them and tell them its not their business and you will be sure to make sure when the baby comes that they don't have the pleasure of holding him/her. Good luck!

Don't take this the wrong way, but are you perhaps being over-sensitive about things they say?

I mean, maybe they aren't meaning to sound negative. Kids are expensive, they are a lot of work....Don't get me wrong, kids are blessings! I wish I could have had more children, but years later, through the reality of my friends' lives, I'm just happy with the two I have.

I have one friend who has three kids under 6 years old. Those kids run her ragged. I love her and I love her kids, but if she were to get pregnant again, I would probably say, "Are you crazy?" We're close enough that I could say something like that without her getting mad at me. I know almost better than anyone how hard having three kids has been on her. I would be supportive, of course, but to be honest, I would definitely have an initial reaction to the news. Then, I would start planning on a gift for the new baby.

I don't know your situation like your sister and in-laws do and I don't know exactly what they have said, but they might not be intending negativity the way you are perceiving it.

They will love the baby when it arrives and be very happy for the new member of the family. It will all work out.

Best wishes to you!

People should have as many kids as they want as long as they can afford them. I never wanted a second, and my daughter is an only. I heard flak from people about REFUSING to have more.

Bottom line - if no one else is paying for your kids' support, then no one else's opinion matters. And you can tell your sister I said so.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm pregnant with my 4th & also posted about my worry of being judged. My only advise, would be to concentrate on your other kids & the the people that are being positive in your life. Like Krista said, as long as you are capable & taking care of your own family, just ignore their opinions & go on about your business.

I just want to say congratulations! If we had more room/money, I would definitely have more. Theres nothing quite like that new baby smell. If your jerk relatives dont approve, they dont need to be invited to.the hospital or to come visit after you come home. I would politely mention this to them, then remind them about their nasty attitudes/remarks later when they are complaining about wanting to see the baby.

I have seen that happen. I only have 2, but I know other people who have as many as 5. I heard of someone coming up to a woman who was pregnant with her 6th, and say "It will be ok, you are going to be able to get through this!" Seriously?! Why would you say that to someone who was OBVIOUSLY happy to be pregnant with her 6th baby?!
If I knew you, I would probably gush and congratulate you, then tell you how horribly jealous I am! I would love to be able to have more kids, but it's not in the cards for me. Congrats on your new baby and your lovely large family!