Hello. My husband and I have decided we want to have another baby - this will be #3! We are very excited but we are expecting negative reactions from our family. We have a wonderful relationship with my parents and my husbands parents - we visit them often, they love our kids very much and are very involved in their lives. Unfortunately, both my husband and I come from families that believe 2 kids are plenty and having a third is never mentioned or even thought about. It is assumed two is it. When we announced our pregnancy with my daughter, they we not excited at all (our son and daughter are only 16 months apart and they thought we had lost our minds! To this day they still don't believe us that she was 100% planned!) We were so excited and it was heartbreaking when they didn't share our excitement - we are expecting the same thing this time. I can deal with it, because I know they will love their new grandchild, but I get so jealous of people who talk about how excited their families were when they got pregnant. We have discussed telling our parents when we decide to start trying, so they won't be completely surprised when we get pregnant, but I'm not sure that is information I want everyone to know. I guess after all that, my question is this: Is it irresponsible to have a 3rd child? Why? How can I deal with the disappointment if nobody shares our enthusiasm? Any advice on the subject in general?
Some additional information - I stay home with my kids and am finishing school. My husband has a really good job, and we have very little debt. We will be able to have another baby without having to cut back financially. We have decided that by the time I finish all the school I want to accomplish (several more years), we want to be done have kids and enjoying the rest of our life. Our other kids will be 3 & 4.5. THANKS!
I wouldn't tell ayone until I was several months just to not have to hear the negativity for those extra months...congrats on the decision to go for baby #3. I htink everyone should have as many children as they want.
It depends. If you can't feed the kids you've got, adding more to that situation would not be the greatest planning in the world. If you can provide for them, I see no reason not to have as many kids as you want. It's up to you two, not the grandparents, to decide how large a family you want.
It is ONLY up to y'all! If you can afford to have more kids AND want to ~ GO FOR IT! My husband is one of two, and his sister & BIL have two and they are each married each have two. I am one of five and in my family most have three or more. My husband had two before we met, his ex had a third child bt another man few years after divorcing my husband, and we had two: so we decided five was enough :) Do what makes y'all happy and complete!
To anyone that says anything like "irresponsible" to you, say "Yes, isn't it wonderful? It's like having champagne every day!"
My opinion? They need to keep their nose out of your business!!
If you can financially (as you said you can) afford a third and you and your husband agree that you both want a third - then there's nothing wrong!!
How many & when you have your kids is up to you and your husband, no one else. Shame on the family for thinking it's up to them!
I suppose it depends on what you mean by irresponsible. Here's my take on it – as a general rule, it's probably no longer responsible to have more than 2 babies (the replacement number for the parents).
This is a growing concern, being brought into sharper contrast each decade: the human population is rising steeply (if you see this on a graph, it's shocking), and the negative impact of all of us people on this beautiful planet is increasing in measurable ways. For the past 50 years, science has been warning us that increasing population pressures is putting the futures of our children at risk, through pollution, resource shortages, climate change, and even social stresses. It doesn't take too much investigation to discover for ourselves that these concerns are worth taking seriously.
So, we might consider asking ourselves what's more important. More children to satisfy our immediate wants, or chance for our existing children, and their children, to have a better chance to meet their needs?
These trends were apparent 40 years ago when I was considering motherhood. I chose to stop with one child, and I never regretted that choice. Now my daughter and her husband have made the same choice for the good of all babies who are born. A desire for more babies is programmed into us by nature. But we also have brains that allow us to override that and other "natural" impulses – otherwise there'd be no such thing as civilized society.
I'm an ol' grandma, and had my children when the societal attitudes were fairly strongly anti-child. Women weren't supposed to want families; they were supposed to want careers. And if you did have a family, you were definitely supposed to stop at two (or one) or the responsibility for the destruction of the world as we know it would be laid in your lap. Seriously.
Our relatives didn't worry about the destruction of the world, but they did look down their noses on large families. They thought having several children was something only ignorant people did. But they all lived way out of town. So... we simply didn't announce the new babies until just before they were born.
On paper (well, virtual paper), it sounds either mean or cowardly, I'm not sure which. But I wasn't interested in any hassle; I wasn't into our trying to defend ourselves or get our kinfolks' approval. (I did receive unkind remarks from neighbors and even strangers.) We both knew also that once the relatives met the new addition they would be properly delighted. And... they were.
Don't be jealous of others - it's a waste of time. You don't know what secret burdens they're carrying. Make yours the very best family you can. Your children are going to be wonderful people and everyone who knows them will be enthusiastic about them. Please don't allow yourself have hurt feelings right now. This is a time for confidence and strength (and a sense of humor!).
Bringing more kids in your life is what you want and will make you happy go for it your not here to please the rest of us...
If you can take of your kids without financial help from others, it's not irresponsible. If you are on any public assistance, then it is. If you have the time and energy to devote to raising your children, it's not irresponsible. If you don't, and they spend more time in the care of someone else, then it is irresponsible.
Some people are happy with one, some with two, and some with 6. As long as your children are well cared for by you and your husband, go for it. If others can't share your joy, it's their loss.
When my sister got pregnant with her second she only told me, I was soooo happy for her, I congratulated her and immediately staterd talking baby stuff. when it came time to tell my mom, she got very upset and mad, completely unsupporting to her. I in turn got mad at my mom because she couldn't be happy for her etc.
In the end you can only control your feelings not anyone elses, I agree with everyone that said do not share the news until you're far along the pregnancy; if they give grief about it, say you didn't want negativity surrounding your pregnancy that will teach them a lesson on keeping their mouth shut next time when you decide to have your fourth lol ;o)
by the way we are waiting until next year to start trying for our third, I can hardly wait, sometimes I just want to start trying but my youngest is only 18 months and I'm waiting for her to be a little older.
Best of luck to you and please keep us posted of your pregnancy woes, I love to read about other mommas experiences.
My parents were against us even having a second child. (I was an only child.) I thought, oh, they'll get over it once they meet our second child! Well, they haven't really. I mean, they like our younger daughter, but never once in her life (she's now 5) have they taken her by herself to do anything, and it's like pulling teeth to get them to take both kids. They often offer to do things with our older daughter, as they have since she was born. I have spoken with them about it and they don't perceive any issue with this. I don't think it's going to change, bottom line.
So my only advice is, of course it is your family and if you and your husband are excited to have a third child, then that is your decision and not your family's. However if you think the third child would be treated any differently than your first two by their extended family, that's something to think about. YOU will be the parents, but this child will not exist in a vacuum.
Just my two cents, having decided to have the "disapproved of" second child myself...
Best of luck to you!
If you have the money and the patience for three kids - go for it! Actually money can come and go. What you think you can afford can change in a few short years -so if you can handle three kids - go for it. I have four kids. I was amazed at the number of number of people who made inappropriate comments when they found out I already had a son and daughter. When I was pregnant with my fourth I was mentally prepared for a verbal backlash. I was amazed at all the positive comments I got - how nice to have a big family. Go figure! By the way - all four were plannned. They are now 10, 14, 17, and 19. I wouldn't change it for anything!
My parents have never been as involved in my kids life as I would have hoped and for no good reason. They have been invited to school events, graduations, soccer games, etc. They never want to come. They don't live that far away and their health is not bad. You have to let it go. It's your family. You and your husband get to choose how many kids you have, not them. Hopefull they will come around. If not, your kids are more than worth it. All the best!
Why ask the question is it irresponsible? You and your hubs have discussed it, you are both ready and you can afford another. Your family has NO say. Lots of people think two is perfect and 3 or more is overboard but that is their opinion. Yes it hurts when family is not excited, but you will be excited and NO you shouldn't tell them you are planning to TTC. That's not their business and why let them have more time to be negative about it towards you. When you do get preggers get both sets of GP's together and say " We love you all, we decided and conceived baby #3, we are thrilled and hope you are as well, if you are not, keep your comments to yourselves, now, who wants a glass of champagne?" Done.
Having 3 was the best decision I ever made! My daughter has completed my family!
I also experienced what you have with my family. No one in my family has had more than 2 kids...ever! And all the woman in my family had their 1st kid at 18-20 and were completely done having them at 22 yrs old. I was 26 yrs old when I had my 1st son and 30 yrs old when I had my last baby...so I broke ALL the rules and could care LESS what they all think about it!
They all looked at me upside their heads like I was a crazy person for wanting 3 and you would not believe the torment I went through about waiting "so long" to have babies! I heard it all..."your gonna be such an OLD mom, eww"! Guess what? To each is own right?
Go for it, and don't think twice about what ANYONE has to say! As a mother of 3 (# 3 being completely unplanned) I can say there's nothing better than having 3 kids, we can't imagine our lives without him! : ) You will have no regrets EVER having that child so if you and hubby want a third, then don't let anything stop you or let anyone's remarks get to you. You married your husband not your family and that's the most important person to decide in a decision like this. I have family very similar to yours and I get where you're coming from but in the end, you are the one raising and caring for those precious angels of yours so turn on your selective hearing if they say anything rude and remind them whose life it is they're being negative about, not theirs so you're gonna live your life however you please!
Good luck with everything!
I am gong to post a different answer from all of the others that I really agree with to help you understand some perspectives.
I personally love being a mother and my partner and i have discussed a bigger family (we have 2 boys) but i really feel strongly against creating another child for environmental reasons. too many people, too few resources, americans inherently wasteful lifestyle -- you get it. some diehards may judge you for this, it is a personal choice in my opinion, but there you have it. FYI we have discussed adoption for this reason and many think we are nuts.
i have noticed and watched many people react negatively toward pregnancies in my community -- particularly b/w women, and have felt it in myself, and i believe it comes from our own insecurities. when we see someone gliding through motherhood with grace and composure and -- heaven forbid -- ASK FOR MORE or TOO CLOSE TOGETHER we look at ourselves and our lack of whatever it is that makes some people naturals.
i own these emotions in myself, try to get over them, and learn from supermoms. many do not and they foster negativity toward a beautiful choice. do it and own it with pride. just let the rest of us know -- every once in a while -- its not always as easy as you make it look!
The first time I told my parents I was pregnant (at 26 years of age and married for three years already) my dad's response was a sarcastic, "Oh great."
To him I will always be an irresponsible kid so I assume the though of me trying to raise a child just had him rolling his eyes.
Not everyone is going to be happy with every decision you make in life so don't try and make them happy and don't let them get you down. Do what makes you and your immediate family happy.
If you can afford to care and feed said third child go for it. I think it is great when responsible and educated people have larger families...more responsible and educated kids to better our planet.
Who cares what the in-laws think...they don't have to live with or raise your child.
Plan the family you and your husband want...and can afford.
I think you should have as big of a family as you would like. I come from a big family and absolutely love it! there is always some one to turn to, have dinner with get coffee and visit. Your parents will adjust and I am sure they will love the new baby as they do the others.
Good luck
I agree with those who have said that telling your parents that you are trying is just asking for more stress from them. Plan a special time to let them know that you are expecting your new baby, but don't make it a big deal. Don't set yourselves up for that disapointment. You know how they feel, let them feel that way. BUT, make sure that you have plans with someone who loves your family and will be excited for you, so that right after you announce to your family, you can announce to that special friend, who will share your joy. Sometimes our families can fill our needs, sometimes we have to depend on our "family" of friends to fill those needs. Knowing who your family is and accepting their limitations puts you a step ahead.
No, since you are financially able to provide for a third baby, it is not irresponsible at all. If your families think it is, that is their problem-not yours! We had very few positive reactions when we announced our 3rd pregnancy. Most people looked shocked, some laughed outright and told us we were crazy. I think my mom was the only person who was truly excited and happy about it (besides us). The bottom line is this is your life and your family. You get to decide how big or small it should be. If you go ahead with it, enjoy your pregnancy and don't be disappointed by other people's reactions. Good luck!
As long as you can afford to care for your kids, there is nothing irresponsible about having another child. If I were you, though, I wouldn't tell them you guys are trying. You'll just have to deal with all the negative comments for a longer period of time. In fact, I wouldn't even tell them when you get pregnant. When it becomes obvious you are pregnant and they question you about it, say, "Well, you all responded so coldly when we announced that little Jane was coming, and you've made it clear how you feel about large families. But we have been trying for a third and are SO thrilled to be having a third that we didn't want any of you raining on our parade." Maybe having their attitudes reflected back at them will give them pause. Then, how they respond is up to them, but enjoy every minute of your third pregnancy!
No, it is not at all irresponsible!!! If you and your husband WANT a third baby and you can support it, care for it, and give it all the love it needs, that is all that matters. Your family's thoughts that "two is enough" are irrational and should not in any way stop you from doing what you want for your family.
As for feeling disappointed, share the news with friends first who might be more excited for you. That way, when your family's reaction is less than thrilled, you'll already be flying high from your friends' reactions.
Not to sound harsh, but forget what your families think. This is your decision as a husband & wife. As long as you are financially secure, which you are, & you both want another child, then go for it. They will of course love the new baby when he / she arrives. Just tell them to loosen up!
If you and your husband want another child, go for it! I wish you the best of luck with getting pregnant super fast and having a healthy pregnancy. As for your families reactions, you can't please everyone. I would not tell them that you are actively trying. When you get pregnant and are in the safe(er) zone, entering in the 2nd trimester, I would tell them. I think it would add too much pressure on you to have them know you are trying---etc. It is just too bad if they don't agree with your position. You obviously have though this through and are totally responsible! Do what will make you and your family happy! Good luck!
Molly
I do not think it's irresponsible to have 3 kids. I think that's a great number, that's how many I want. As of right now I have a 3 year old dd and can't wait for next year since that's when we are going to start trying for our next one. My baby girl wants two more kids in the family, she says she wants a baby brother and a baby sister. I have always wanted 3 kids and I pray that God helps me achieve my dream. I think it's a great number and if you and your husband both want another baby and can afford it, (which you said you can) I would go for it. Good luck!
No it's not irresponsible to have a 3rd child, you want, love and can provide. I'm happy for you and I think it's great, you may even want to have a 4th. Sometimes with odd numbers someone gets left out. I have 3, always wanted 3 kids too. 15, 13 and almost 4 year old. I thought I was only going to have 2 for the longest and 3rd one wasn't planned at all but has been a true blessing. I thought having 4 was irresponsible because we don't have the financial security. I tied my tubes after delivery and to this day I wish I didn't. My youngest needs a little brother or sister to play with, I think.
Don't let them steal your joy, and tell them that. You and your husband made this decision and tell them to respect the decision you make by having a 3rd child.
God Bless!
So excited for you! I think the more the merrier and if it's financially and emotionally doable for your family, then that's all you need! As long as you, your husband and your other kiddos won't be too overwhelmed, no one else really matters ;) Sounds like the other kids will be great ages to help love and nurture their little sibling! I agree that you should wait until your second trimester to announce -- especially if you think their reaction could give you too much stress. (But if NOT telling them will stress you out more, then don't wait.) Whenever you decide to tell them, maybe also be honest with them with prefacing the announcement with something about how dissapointing it was to go through this decision knowing they may not approve and how much their support means to you. (In case they don't realize how much their reaction to your last pregnancy impacted you.) Regardless, I'm pretty sure they (along with everyone else) are going to love their new little grandbaby and forget all about any negative thoughts eventually! Best of luck for a safe and happy pregnancy and keep us posted!
You and your husband need to do what feels right to the both of you. A matter of having a child is between a husband and wife as long as you don't have your hands out asking for other people to help you in providing for that child then it is no ones business but your own!! You do not need to feel bad or guilty and you certainly do not need to announce that you guys are trying. When your pregnant and feel comfortable sharing the news do so then and if people are happy for you then great and if not oh well that's thier issue.
I am so sorry your parents are reacting this way. I think having a third child is wonderful! You and your husband are obviously very responsible people and parents...you're the perfect family to be having another and another and another! It would be a different story if you were having to rely on your parents financially, etc., but this is not the case. I wish you lots of luck. I too hope to have a third child some day.
No, it is not irresponsible to have a third child- but this is NOT your parents or his parents decision. This is between you and your husband and I cheer you on! We have 5 and am now expecting #6. (We thought we were through with 4!) I am really excited for this next one although he is completely unplanned and a big surprise! We have not told anyone though because of the comments we received when we were pregnant with our last baby. I won't be saying anything until I am showing a lot more than I am now(I'm 4 months)
My father in law has already told us that we have too many kids but I am able to stay at home with all of them, we have a paid for car and our kids are clothed and well fed. I am not looking forward to telling the family(although my kids will be excited) but this is between me and my husband and I am not asking for or needing any handouts.
I am sorry your family seems to feel the same as mine, but 3 is a wonderful number and you will be amazed at how much your new little one will bring to your family.
God Bless!
~C.
your family is your buisness!!
It's funny - my dad thinks we're not being good citizens because we only have 2 kids! He thinks educated couples should raise at least 3 kids to replace themselves in society and ensure that the country grows with responsible well-educated voters. ;)
I learned a long time age that I cannot expect to have those "Kodak Moments" with my family that others seem to enjoy. My hubby and I went through 4 miscarriages in the process of our 2 kids so I feel deprived of having the happy excited moment when I told my husband - his response was initally worry and fear for my well-being. *sigh* but the Universe rewarded me with 2 gorgeous kids and in the end it was worth it.
Tell your relatives when you're ready and sitck your fingers in your ears if you get a less than joyous response. ;) La-la-la-la I CAN"T HEAR YOU!!!!!
I don't think it would be irresponsible. But I also would not tell them you are trying.
My second pregnancy ended with a very traumatic birth so our families thought that for sure we were done. They were worried about a third being potential dangerous for my heath.
Well, six years later, we did get pregnant. Total surprise, I found out at 16 weeks along. I thought for sure that my parents would disapprove. But they ended up supporting us (I think mainly because here she was coming; its not like they could talk us out of it). Side info: because every doctor was on high alert; I had a great pregnancy and delivery.
Don't be disappointed if people don't share your enthusiasm, It is your family and ONLY you and your husband know how much you guys can take on. When you have her or him, your family will see that you can handle three well.
Enjoy the third. You are an experienced parent and that makes some things easier. (some things are more difficult; you have to juggle the needs of three) but overall the joy from your children is worth it.
Do what you and your husband want, don't worry about anyone else. Like you said, they will love the third grandchild once they get used to the idea.
Just a little idea, my mother in law was not very excited when we announced we were preggo with #1. My husband and I were devistated by her reaction. Of course after even just an hour to get used to it, she was thrilled to death, and now loves our daughter more than anything. When we found out we were expecting number two we decided to tell the in laws in a way that gave them time to compose themselves before showing us their reaction. We live a few hours away so we took some pictures of our daughter wearing a big sister shirt and my husband made a powerpoint, with music and cute little sayings about how Madelyn was excited to be a big sister.
We sent the email, called to tell them to look at it, and then called them on skype about 5-10 minutes later. They then had a chance to take in the news and tell us how happy they were about the new baby. And no one had to get their feelings hurt by the reaction. It worked out much better for my husband and I.
It's not irresponsible to have another child and it's nobody's business whether you and your husband want to have another one! If they don't share your enthusiasm, that is their loss, not yours!
If you can afford to have another baby and both you and hubby want to due it then go for it. Three kids is not bad. Maybe if you were having 19 kids or on welfare, then I could see your family's point, but you are not. Dont left your family control what you do. Sometimes families are wrong. I dont always agree with mine but the only thing that matters when it comes to making a BABY IS THAT BOTH YOU AND HUBBY WANT AND CAN AFFORD ONE. Just know that sometime you can get more then one. Make sure you are ok with that too.
If you can handle it financially and emotionally. If you and your husband can make time to give the newest one the solo attention he/she deserves...Then, it sounds fine. I suppose you could get some uber-green-iacs that will say the earth is over populated and by having more children, you are just creating more consumers of scarce resources. But it doesn't sound like your parents are eco-terrorists...Just set in their ways. They will adjust.
