Negative Outlook on School Because of Mean Kids

I agree that bulling tends to target kids with low self esteem. I would first address that issue before making the dramatic leap to homeschooling. Even if you homeschool, and do not address the self esteem issues, I think they would catch up to the child later in life. I would also suggest martial arts. I have known children that this has really helped with.
Good luck to you. My heart goes out to any child being bullied. We have a child with down syndrome, and I often think about this. It is heart breaking.

Unfortunately being bullied is all too commone these days. I think the main reason bullies bully is that they lack self esteem. They are afraid of anyone different then themselves.

My granddaughter's school had a series of classes on what to do to prevent or stop bullying. I wasn't able to attend.

I agree that the parent of the one being bullied needs to stand up for the kid when the kid isn't able to stop it themselves. This means going to the school, talking with the teacher, principal, and/or counselor if there is one. If possible arrange to talk with the parents of the bully. You may not get help from the parents. Instead you'll better understand why their kid is a bully.

My daughter graduated with a young man who has since become a scientist. He very much looked and acted like a nerd. He was painfully shy with most of his peers. I don't know if he was bullied. He never said. My daughter became his friend.

My daughter is outgoing and one who stands up for herself and others. Your sons should look for this sort of person to be their friend. My daughter met him in one of the high school clubs.

I suggest trying to encourage your boys to become active in activities in which they're interested. This way they can develop their own self-esteem as well as meet other kids with the same interests as themselves.

Help them to focus on making good friends instead of trying to defend themselves to the bullies. I do believe that the bullies are in the minority and they choose to pick on kids who are not only different but who are also shy and show that they're upset when bullied.

My daughter was having difficulty with a boy in middle school who was a bully. Her Dad said that the next time he tries to pick a physical fight to slug him right back. I'm not, in general, in favor of physical force. However this worked for my daughter. She did get a suspension because the school had the policy that in a fight both would be suspended. She was angry because she was suspended until she went back to school and this boy no longer baited her.

Her situation was a boy who was a physical bully. The verbal ones she had already learned to handle by either not responding (i.e. act as if she didn't hear them) or responded with a confident statement such as "so what." She did get into some verbal fights but she is very strong willed and wouldn't bend for anyone.

I doubt that a verbal argument benefits anyone. I would suggest that the best approach would to walk away in a confident manner. "Fake it until you make it."

Having friends and being involved in fun activities makes the bullying seem less serious.

If and when the bullying does become serious such as making threats or wanting to physically fight I recommend that both you and your son go to the principal and tell them what is happening.

At my granddaughter's school they had several 6th grade bullies on the playground. The counselor organized active games such as basketball and a teacher was assigned to the part of the playground on which the 6th graders played. I am a recess volunteer and saw that keeping the kids active cut back the opportunities to bully.

I realize that my granddaughter's school has always stressed respect. It was my daughter's school too. Not all schools have been able to act in such a manner that the majority of the kids respect the teachers. Or are in neighborhoods where parents also respect the school. This might not work at your son's school. I suggest that you volunteer at the school and keep in contact with your son's teachers so that you do know what is going on. You show your sons how to be assertive and not aggressive.

This may be difficult for you, depending on your personality and experience. Perhaps you could get together with other mothers so that you have support. I don't know if the PTA would be helpful. PTAs are sometimes more focused on being their own social group instead of recognizing that all parents have something to contribute. You can check it out.

There are some good books on bullying. You may find that reading one of those would be helpful in showing you how to help your sons.

I think that building self-esteem is the key to ending bullying. That is not so easy to obtain. I have read some parenting books that told of ways to help build your child's self-esteem.

I wish you well in doing this. Confidence is not easily learned either. I have frequently "faked it until I made it." I started out as a shy woman when I joined the Sheriff's office. No one would believe it now.

Your 13 yr old is facing a double whammy, he's going through puberty and he's in a new school with a whole new set of people, expectations, culture, etc. So, when he gets home after the first day, take a look at his school handbook with him. Read the rules, see who the counselors are, what the expectations are for dress and what clubs and activities are available. Because he's in middle school he should have at least one elective, an art class, music, industrial arts, foreign language are possibilities. These are classes where he can express his passion, his interests. A great place to meet kids who have similar likes. Encourage him to get to know the other students in those classes. Kids can be mean, they know no boundaries, but that's where it's important to have a good line of communication between him and his teachers and counselor. Go to open house, you'll meet the parents of those 'other' kids and you an get a good read on things as well. You'll have an opportunity to introduce yourself to all of his teachers so you can make those calls or e-mails when you have concerns. As far as his friend wanting to commit suicide, we never know what triggers that to happen in kids. It's never just one thing. There have been deaths of students over they years my kids have been in school. Again, the counselors do a fantastic job of working with all the kids at school when this happens, letters go home to parents, additional counseling is available. If your son knows of someone who is contemplating suicide encourage him to go tell a teacher or a counselor. Be a friend to the person, this is a cry for help not a statement of good-bye. Explain that to him. Hearing things that are contrary to one's belief system, damaging to our self-esteem, just down right mean is hard, but it's part of growing up, it's not right, but it happens, it's not fair, but no where in the rule book does it say life is fair. When you get to be an adult, you need to have acquired the skills to deal with this 'stuff' and you don't have parents to protect or comfort you so close at hand. So guide your kids, enforce their sense of self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth. At the same time, remember that they're kids as well, and we don't know all they do or say when they're out of sight, we hope that they treat others the way they would want to be treated, remind them of that. Two wrongs don't make a right. I think as our kids grow, we grow as well. All of their life events become ours, only enhanced in emotion and the thoughts of potential consequence. Celebrate the joy of each day, the new found knowledge, friends, the exploration of the unknown. I learned so much more about life after I became a parent than any school or college could begin to teach me.

I've known parents that homeschooled for the reason you are dictating. I know other parents who moved the child out of one school into another with great results. I recommend moving your child into another classroom or even another school. My son was terribly picked on in one instance, and I told him, "don't worry, we're moving in a few months". It was that awful school also here in Everett. But this one is much better.

Sometimes it's just that class or those kids in that class. One bad apple in the class can spoil the whole bunch and cause the whole class to pick on the poor kid! If changing schools is not a possibility, maybe you can have him change classes. It's horrible for the child getting picked on. Don't underestimate how bad it is. 7th grade is the WORST! I don't konw what it is about that grade where they get really horrible. I was picked on horribly in the 7th Grade. Lucky for me, we moved after a few months and didn't have a problem after that. Usually if you let the teacher and principal know, they can step in and help. But if not, change schools. This is a great time to do it.

B.,

I don't know for your kids, but I was picked on from 4th grade until I graduated high school because I was the new kid and because I was different. The summer between 3rd and 4th grade my dad and I moved to a different county and I had to go to a new school.

At that time I was a total tomboy with super short (think nearly buzz cut) hair and I'd only wear sweats to school. This was all by my choice. I was the scape goat for everything at recess when younger. I remember being hit in the face with a playground ball, getting a bloody nose, and hear the laughter of all the kids around because I was crying. I remember being ganged up on and run off of both tether ball and four square because I learned how to beat everybody. I have few, if any, fond memories of school.

That being said don't give the advice of being like a duck and letting the insults and taunting roll off your back. Please don't give the advice about sticks and stones either. Please take your kids seriously when they say that Little Joey is being mean and they don't like him. Please stand up for your kids when they need you and say, even indirectly, that they are being bullied. Even if they say that they don't want you to interfere you are the Mamma Bear and need to protect your little ones. They will thank you for it some day. To this day I still have low self esteem issues and a whole lot of other problems from the years of being bullied.

Children today are vicious and just plain cruel. They go for the jugular and don't care about who gets hurt or in the way anymore.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Is homeschooling an option for you? This is one of the many reasons why I chose to homeschool my son. Kids these days are way worse then they ever were even when I was in school. The bullies are not intimidated by parents or teachers. I have a friend with a then 10 year old son who is a bit overweight and nerdy looking. A kid came right up to him while he was standing next to his mom and started heckling him about being fat. The bully looked right at the mom like "what are you gonna do about it" and walked off. The principal said he couldn't do anything about it. What is this world coming to?

If your 13 year old is saying he's being bullied or tormented, why make him stay in a situation that is going to harm his self-esteem and self-worth? Would you want to be forced to go somewhere where you are mistreated and made to feel less than human? We all know the answer is no! As adults we would remove ourselves from a situation like that either by talking to a boss or quitting our job or staying away from wherever that situation would come up! People argue that we can't shelter our kids from the world but isn't that our jobs as parents? To keep them away from harm, both physical and mental!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I just ultimately urge that you listen to your son because things he's going through right now are going to shape the man he is to become!

Homeschooling is your answer. It's the only way to protect your children from all the rotten stuff that kids so freely release at the public schools now a days and quite frankly, it's those situations and kids that change our kids for who they are meant to be. There is so much the goes on at the public schools today that kids don't tell their parents (did you tell your parents all the went on either?). It's a very scary place for kids now a days and the so-called authorities of the schools don't have any authority over it anymore or the kids and there are many blind eyes turned because of it... it's kids like ours who are being taught to have character, self-control and stand up for what is right that completely suffer. Keeping them at home not only keeps them from all the garbage, but also allows you to watch your children learn, grow and become who they are meant to be. Sorry for the strong opinion....I get a little worked-up when I hear of innocent kids having such hard times at the public schools - it breaks my heart.

Your situation is serious, no doubt about that. You may have to try a couple of different things before you reach a solution. You could try changing schools, but I think the bullying thing is pretty rampant. From a dealing with it at home perspective, I would advise you to take the child seriously. I agree with the other poster who said telling a kid to let it roll of his back won't help. I think that is true. Sometimes, your child just wants you to understand. A simple response is: that is terrible, you had a horrible day, those kids are jerks. These are just simple expressions of empathy that will help your child know you understand. If your child is shy, creative and eccentric, that may come off to the other kids that he is rejecting them - and that is why you see retaliation. Have him experiment with just being overly friendly, compliementary, interested in others. You may be surprised in the results. In the end, try to keep in mind that this kind of experience will make your child stronger. It is such a pity to see kids who are sheltered all of their lives and then simply cannot function in the real world as adults.

A couple of thoughts... I knew a lady who allowed all her children the option of homeschooling for middle school, because it can be such an awful experience. Some chose to homeschool, and others didn't.

Another thought is that my favorite parenting author John Rosemond said, I think in his Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children, that their son went through a similar situation in high school, and they felt so bad for him and were sympathetic and consoling, and cried with him, and his stories got worse and worse over time and he wasn't resolving his issues. They finally told him to make a friend, and gave him two weeks to have a friend and something to do on the weekend (besides sulk at home), or they would start calling around and find him a friend (how embarassing) so he did it. He made a friend within the two weeks, and in a year's time he had more friends than he knew what to do with. This isn't to belittle his problems at all, but it can help to take the focus off ourselves and look around for someone else who could use a friend, then our problems don't seem so huge, and we have something else to think about.

Another thought is to put him in some sort of martial arts - not so he can hurt anyone, but to give him something to do where he can develop some self confidence and not be such a target for bullies. And, yes, I believe that self confidence makes all the difference in whether someone is a target. I was a self confident kid, so when someone did do or say something mean to me, I told them what I thought of them and let it roll off my back, and such instances didn't happen often. Whereas if someone does seem to be terribly affected by being pushed around, the bully gets a rise out of it and will continue.

I was once a minority, as a white girl, when I went to school for three years on an Indian reservation. I was picked on a bit, but never talked about it with my folks - I'm not sure why. I rode the bus and one day on a whim I stuck my foot out in the aisle when one of my tormentors was walking by. He fell flat on his face, and that gave me immense satisfaction, and he left me alone after that. I'm not advocating violence, but if you have similar stories to share with your child, just matter of factly, it might help him to realize that he doesn't need to "take it" or be pushed around. It's ok to defend ones self. I wish you luck!

Have you ever thought about homeschooling? He is right that it is a zoo in most public schools, especially at his age and he might shine academically if he were allowed to do a computer curricula, enter an alternative school that catered to individual plans with education, etc. I would look into any other environment that could make his life more positive. He is sending you clear warning signs that he is going to be entering the serious trouble zone very quickly if you don't, especially mentioning a friend who attempted suicide. If you have any questions about any of these options, you may contact me. I am a homeschooling Mother of 9 and nearly 4 year old daughters.

Good luck!

H.

I am currently reading a book called "Nurture by Nature" by Paul D Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger. The front cover says: Understand Your Child's Personality Type - And Become a Better Parent.

This book helps a parent figure out their child's personality type. There are four functions in your personality type and through this book you can find out if your child is an Extrovert or an Introvert, a Sensor or an Intuitive, a Thinker or a Feeler, and a Judger or a Perciever.

By understanding what personality type your child is you can better understand their strengths and weaknesses, why they act the way they do, what they place value on in life, how they interpret the world around them, and how to best communicate with them etc... So far I love the book and it is geared to helping your child build self-esteem by focusing on their personality strengths. There is a quick overview and smaller scale personality test (all free) on their website: www.nurturebynature.com.

They have another book geared for adults and finding satisfaction in their careers by using their personality strengths and weaknesses called "Do What You Are". There is a website where you can take a free test to get a glimpse of what your personality type is: www.PersonalityType.com.

This personality type has been used at colleges (that's how I first heard about it) and at businesses. I know companies use this when searching for the right person to do the job.

It is one of the best personality typing I have ever come across. It is worth taking the time to read these books. I absolutely love them.

Sounds like your 13 year old is a feeler like I am and can be very sensitive to people's judgements like I was especially when a teenager. My brother went through this exact same thing and wanted to stay at home and be home schooled and really fought with my mom over this. My mom tried to be sensitive to his situation and encouraging and it was bumpy for a while but eventually over time he discovered his talents through music and is now a very confident senior in high school. His social group has grown and people are drawn to him because he understands who he is, is personable with others and is comfortable with himself, but it took time for him to discover this.

With the right tools, you and your son can make it through this hump in his life. I think we all go through that awkward phase to some degree when we enter the teenage life. I am so glad I made it through that phase of my life. Once you can figure out what personality type each child is and you yourself, you can all understand each other at a different level and you can help each one individually reach to their potential.

I hope this info is helpful to whoever reads it. Good luck with everything. J.

You are a great parent! You are listening to your son and I feel that you are doing the absolutely right thing for him. Times have changed so much. I'm a mom of a five year old and will be homeschooling. It is NOT "running away" (those that say that are uninformed about homeschooling and bullying). I agree that it is more challenging but also far more rewarding. Your son will thrive with your love and attention and you will no doubt provide social avenues for him with his guidance. With all that's going on in the schools today, more and more people around where I live are pulling their kids out. Lack of supervision, sex in the bathrooms, bullying, no attention to where their academic level is and on and on. That's so not where I want my child to be. Yes, your son may need counseling, but try your love and attention first. Just like your doing now. I'm proud of you. You want to raise a creative and unique thinker. You're on the right path. Be strong. There's so much out there now on homeschooling and so much support. Once you look into it, you'll be amazed. There are a lot of us out here, that want our kids to love learning, be a thinker and not a cog and to be strong. They don't get that from public school. Congrats to your son for knowing what's right and wrong too! You've raised him well.

I think I would try getting him involved in a youth group so he could meet kids that aren't so mean. It would give him a new crowd to hang out with at school too. Another thing would be to get him into what he loves. If it's art find an art club for kids, if it's singing get him some voice lessons, sports is a great place to make friends. A team tends to hang together. Have you thought of a Christian school. Most have scholarships if you can't afford it. I would try to get him involved with other kids instead of keeping him at home.

If you have to keep him in a school program for whatever reason (IE not homeschooling or tutors), I would strongly recommend looking into Montessori schools. The multiage classrooms, and self driven but directed classes not only cut down DRAMATICALLY on bullying...but also directly help to teach creative thinking/problem solving/individuality/& maintaining individuality within a group.

Homeschooling or CoOp schooling is another option if you've got the time & interest. Private tutors and outside lessons (we homeschool with a few other children AND send them to outside lessons, so we kind of combine the 3) is another avenue.

Regardless, the bullying does not get "better" as the kids get older, it just gains more finesse. Middleschool is the testing ground for that finesse. Obviously it fails utterly, but that's when children start channeling viciousness in ways that allow them not to get in trouble for it. In elementary school it's fairly obvious, and good teachers (of which there are increasingly few of) have some stopping power. In middle school there's almost no stopping power in the adults, and we parents are trained not to interfere. If he's going to stay with the same group of kids and he hasn't already stood up to them, or if he's given up, there's almost no hope. The same kids will torment him until he graduates. Switching schools, or pulling him out entirely, to give him a fresh start is probably the best 2 options. I would ALSO reccomend that if you switch schools that you take a month or so off in between to work on those skills on how to deal with bullies & social situations & boundaries. (Boundaries; where you end & I begin, is a great one...I think a few others have mentioned other good books) He can read, and that can be a deal between the 2 of you. Far more then you reading, HE needs to read & understand & think about these lessons before he jumps in somewhere new and starts putting them into practice.

It's fascinating that the abuses we allow our kids to go through are the same things that in a marriage are grounds for divorce, and in the workplace are grounds for major lawsuits, and as an adult are things that we'd call the cops or completely disassociate ourselves with those people. It's no wonder so many people stay in abusive relationships to become doormats and punchingbags...why so many people stay in bad jobs...and why there is so little respect for others in our society in general. We teach our children that these abuses are what they should expect, and that there is NOTHING that they can do about it.

Good for you Mama, for worrying seeking solutions, rather then just giving in!!!!!!!

~ Z.

I'm homeschooling my 5 yr old and I totally recommend it. It give you all the time you need to help figure out what your child needs, spend extra time with them, and work on any issues,as well as help boost their self esteem. It also will give him a chance to have more time to persue interests which might help keep his mind on something more positive. Church groups might have some fun activies. Sports also might be something to think about. Just remember, he'll be 18 in 5 years. This is your chance to really have an input on his life brfore he's an adult.Best wishes.
H.