Needing Some Advice on Getting My Son to Listen!

He's 3. He can listen and do some things but when he's presented with things that are new to him and interesting it's probably beyond his ability to not touch them.

SO when you visit someone else's house you don't let go of his hand. You don't let go and you don't stay long.

Some things which worked for us:

1. Often parents fall into the trap of asking our kids to do things instead of telling them. "Are you ready to go to the store?" "Are you ready to...xyz"... etc. It's a very well-meant mistake. Instead, embed the choice into the request. I like the phrase "it's time" and then giving a "how" choice. "It's time to wash your hands for lunch. Do you want to fly like a bird/play elephants/walk like a duck to the bathroom? Do you want the bar soap or the liquid soap?" Don't go overboard with choices, and only offer two choices at a time (blue or green, blueberries or bananas) but if you ARE going to present a choice, present it in *how* the task gets done and NOT the doing of the task itself.

2. Make connection before giving correction/direction. "I see you think the glass ball is very pretty. It's nice to look at. Let's put it in my hand, I'll put it on the shelf. Now we'll leave it alone." Try to meet the child in the moment. My son is seven and gets his head very deep into his activities: I find that if I ask him a question about what he's doing or pay attention to it for a moment (oh, tell me about your creation; that book looks neat--what are you reading?) he is able to transition more easily from his activity to what I need him to do. This works for little ones as well, I've found. You are entering *their* space, being respectful of their level of activity, and then they are often more receptive to "in a few more minutes we're going to" . I also find that using a timer for that last few minutes gives kids a nice cue that they need to finish.(If you think this is too much work, imagine being in the middle of cooking dinner and then your spouse telling you "go wash the car right now"... it's insulting and disrespectful of your own activity. Playing is *The* activity for kids. I respect that by first acknowledging what they are doing.)

3. Do things together. If you are giving directions for 'put your toys away', little ones need more help. I like to engage them in fun ways to clean up (you be the bulldozer and push the blocks to me. I'll be the crane and stack them. Let's drive the cars into their box, etc.) Playful parenting works well here.

4. If you have a runner, put your body between theirs and the door/potential running space.

5. Have the child repeat back the directions. "It's time to put your shoes by the door. Now say it with me : "I will put my shoes by the door"

6. "Show me how you...." Some kids LOVE to feel 'big', and show me directions can use that to our advantage. "Show Daddy how you can bring your bowl to the sink." or "Show me how you will put your shoes on. Which foot will you do first?" (*how* choice.)

7. With noncompliance at this age, I wouldn't do a full time out, but find a quiet seat somewhere and say "I need you to sit here until you are ready to do X"... and let them get up when they are willing to do what's necessary.

8. For visits at other people's houses, expect it to be a lot of work and bring a basket/bag of safe toys/books to play with. We did a long Thanksgiving afternoon at one home (Kiddo was 3) where there were lots of crystal/expensive items down low and yes, both my husband and I had to be on top of Kiddo to keep him distracted and refocused to appropriate activity. Some people will just expect their kids to mind them "or else", I find that a bit of proactive planning and understanding that kids NEED something to keep busy with has saved us on several occasions. We adults sometimes forget that some events are just flat out boring for kids. Taking a short walk outside with one parent when the child gets ants in their pants is a great idea.

I think it's important to remember that doing these things isn't necessarily catering to the child, but is respectful to the three year old level of ability to self-regulate and self-restrain. I might even sit myself between my child and the 'nice' objects, so as to be right there to help the child. I also liked what Peg M. had to offer in her reply. It takes a lot of work, but kids ARE a lot of work. Being consistent and helping them navigate their way through life is our job--it's hard, but informative and gives them good positive experiences if we do it right.

Unrealistic expectations.

You cannot just tell a 3 yr old "don't mess with Auntie June's things" and then you get to sit and chat uninterrupted for an hour with Jr. minding your instructions. It doesn't work that way.
1) You have to get up and be involved.
2) The advice to speak quietly and in simple instructions is good. Use that.
3) Touch him when you give him instructions/commands.
(A hand on his shoulder as you lean down or squat down to his level and say quietly, "While we are here, you will do ____ and you will not play with or touch Aunt June's book shelves. Do you understand the rules?" Then you wait for his response. WHEN (not if, but WHEN) he disobeys, then you say excuse me to your host(ess) and go over to him and physically correct him. That may mean that you hold out a hand and have him hand over an item to you. It may mean that you take him by the shoulder and walk him back to a bookshelf and you instruct him to replace the item and then walk him over to apologize to your hostess, that may mean that you take him by the hand and walk him to a corner for a 3 minute time out, or that whatever. But you have to get up and go to him. Not just talk to him from across the room. That is not effective for a 3 yr old in most cases.
4) When it happens more than once (a second time) then you can leave. You make your apology to your host, and you leave. You go to your son, take his hand or place your hand on his shoulder and direct him to gather his things and head to the door... you are leaving. He did not follow the rules so you now must go... say goodbye and thank you to Aunt June...

If you simply talk AT your child from across the room you will waste your breath and your child simply learns to ignore you. It really is that simple.

Are there any consequences when he doesn't listen?

It is pretty common to have to repeat requests to a three year old. But you have to start giving a consequence when he doesn't listen (maybe just repetition if he is closer to 2, definitely consequences if he is closer to 4).

Example: Joe, please don't get into Aunt Mildred's button collection. Remove him if he doesn't listen. When he gets into the buttons 4 minutes later remind him that he was asked not to do so and tell him if he does it again that he will have a time out, or you will have to leave, or whatever your consequence is. Then stick with it.

You can also try counting. Tell him to do something. Tell him he has until the count of ten to do so and if he does not do it by the time you get to ten then he will have a time out. Then begin slowly counting.

Good luck.

He is listening. He's not obeying.

First, stop telling him to listen. You say "let's listen to music" and "oh, listen to my news! Grandma's coming to visit". So when you tell him to listen, yes, he heard you. But he didn't obey. So the words you're using aren't clear.

So, get down on his eye level. Take his hands gently and speak very quietly. Look into his eyes and tell him "you will not touch ____" or "you will obey mommy and sit in your chair". Then when he sits, tell him "while we're having supper, you will sit quietly and eat." One command at a time. Don't give him a list: wash your hands, sit down, use your fork, don't throw food: that's too much at one time. Teach him the word "obey".

Then you set clear boundaries. When you arrive at Auntie's house, you tell him "no touching Auntie's bookcase", on his eye level, quietly. And you tell him if he touches it, or the fragile stuff on it, he will sit in time out for 3 minutes. And then, don't yell, don't get frazzled. Don't create a scene or show him that he has caused a dramatic uproar.

Be sure to interact with him and talk with him and make eye contact when he's playing nicely, when he looks at the bookcase and doesn't touch. Praise him when he has obeyed and is behaving appropriately.

Clear lines!! No yell and yell again. You take him from where ever he went back to the object and he doesn't do anything until the object is put away. Each time, every time. This goes on until he learns that what you are saying will be followed through with. At other people's homes, if you touch things that are not yours we will go home and if he touches something you say sorry to your friends and go home. That one usually only takes once if you have been following though at home as well.

You are a mom, it isn't about you anymore. You sometimes have to put yourself out, like leaving a friend's house, to be a good parent but if you do it gets easier pretty fast.

Get at his level. Tell him the specific rule before you start, and explain what the consequence will be if he doesn't follow the rule.

For example: We are going to visit our friends XXX. You can only touch the toys in the playroom. If you touch anything that is not in the playroom, you will go into time-out in my lap for 3 minutes. (and then follow through, even if it means you have to excuse yourself to sit outside by yourself with him on your lap for 3 minutes if he throws a tantrum).

I think you have unrealistic expectations of a 3 year old's capabilities, communication skills, attention span, and comprehension! Kids are naturally curious and want to sense things in various ways (touch, hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting). So of course he wants to touch things, not just look at them or hear them talked about. Moreover, you are taking him to homes that are not childproofed and where expensive things are at a kid's level. Mistake. Don't take him there, or keep a "go bag" in the car of toys that ONLY go into restaurants or other people's homes. (Never ever let him take them in the house or play with them in the car - otherwise the novelty wears off! You can have other toys for those locations.)

Read what Nervy Girl said - some good advice there. And a 3 year old's attention span is 3 minutes. A 3 year old's time out is 3 minutes. So either you are going to be grabbing and scolding every 3 minutes, or you have to have a new strategy.

Imagine being in a situation in which you did not speak the lingo - for me, it would happen if I were in a room of tweens or teens talking about a video game or a rap group. For others, it might be sitting at a sporting event they have no interest in. No idea, no clue. Now, take that same feeling and apply it to a 3 year old sitting in someone's home while you talk to the hostess about adult things!

So you have to learn his language, not get him to understand yours. And you have to give him a distraction, something that is interesting to HIM. You can say, "We don't touch things on the shelf" but then you have to give him something else. And I agree about making it positive and not always "no no no."

He's too little. He's only 3 so he's not developmentally there..yet.
Just keep an eye on him, don't plan on sitting down & relaxing, bring his
toys w/you to their house so he has something new to play with (poss
even bring smthg new to play with).
Keep after him while you are there.
When he goes to touch something expensive, redirect his attention to his
toys or a toy there he can play with.
When he's a little older you can bring a portable DVD player w/his movies
but that won't be until almost age 5.
Hang in there & rest when you get home. ;)

How do you get through this? You remember that he is only 3 years old, and you keep your expectations reasonable. And always have a sense of humor. 3 year olds are cute and hilarious. Humor helps a lot, in parenting.

You are correct that you don't want this to be his memory of you, and you also don't want to have a memory of being mean and yelling at him.

You can simply say, "don't do this" or "please go pick up that" -- there is no need to yell those things.

"Improve his listening skills?" He's practically a baby.

When your kids are grown and you see three year olds, you really see just how very tiny they are. I do remember that they seem like they should be a lot older at that age when you've been living with them for three years. I thought the same, and I know I overreacted at times to things I shouldn't have, in hindsight. Heck, middle schoolers look like babies to me now.

My advice is to lighten up. Yes, he's normal. Others can give you constructive advice on correct methods of dealing with his inattentiveness.

We found 123 Magic invaluable.

Also, we prepped our kid about our expectations before an outing. With the rules in hand, he was better able to comply. i.e. for the NYC subway, the rules were/are- hold mommy's hand. sit nicely. be quiet. and at 2.5/ 3 mommy will carry you in and out of the subway.

We discussed rules for the playground, rules for playdates, rules for visiting homes, rules for the museum, rules for school, rules for taekwondo, rules for church.

He took the rules very seriously, and was very proud to learn, remember and abide by them.

It might help you.
Best,
F. B.

BTW- we opted not to use the threat of leaving a place because he was misbehaving. we would do a time out then and there. we didn't want him to have the power to force our hand into leaving through his misbehavior.

He is 3. His attention span at the most is 3 minutes.

You need to make sure you get down on his level and make sure he sees and hears you.

Bobby, we look with our eyes, we do not touch. Hands behind your back. I like how you are just looking. That is shiney. I will hold it so you can see it closer.

Ok, let's come and play with the cars you brought with you.

And yes, every 3 minutes you may need to remind Him again. This is age appropriate.

Get a child development book so you can understand his abilities and have realistic expectations. Use the same language each time. Saying it louder, shouting it or yelling it, will not make him remember, so just state it in a regular voice.

When he does a good job or follows your direction, tell him. I like how you are looking with your eyes and your hands are behind your back.

I had a friend over this weekend and her 5 yer old ran terror through my home. He pulled on a Chinese scroll that I have on my wall. I was teaching his mom and another friend a line dance, he ran over several times and turned off my ipad. He stuck both hands in the bowl of chips and let them run through his fingers. He poured chips out of one bowl into another and then put the empty bowl on his head. He went into my two bedrooms and brought out my personal items... His mom barely corrected him.

I love the mom and I think the boy is cute. We meet monthly at my home. Next weekend, I will go buy a rubber truck so he can play with it while I teach the dance steps.

I am volunteering teaching my pals as a GNO. I am not getting paid. Its a fun Saturday event, monthly.

I hope her son does not ruin it for us.

I am saying all this to say---if you do not correct your son, your friends may cut their time with you.

Don't take him to other people's houses at this age if they haven't childproofed. It's not fair to him and not fair to those you are visiting. Get a sitter instead.

Nervy Girl is giving you excellent advice.

Yelling at your child is a HUGE mistake. He will not listen to what you say because you are making it so that all he hears is yelling. Stop now before it's totally ingrained. You say that you don't want his memories to be of you always being mean or yelling. Well, is being mean and yelling working? NO. It's not working because that's what you do in order to try to manage him. You can't manage a child like this. All you do is train him to get used to you being mean and being a yeller. He will just block you out for the rest of his days. So stop doing it.

Read Nervy Girl's post over and over. Get some direction from your ped. Perhaps a parenting class would help you.

I didn't read though all the responses but I LOVE Nervy Girls response. She has great developmentally appropriate advice.