How Do I Stop the Yelling?

I have the same issues with my 5yr old son. I have to yell in order for him to listen... I could use some insight as well. I;m afraid he's going to grow up yelling at me or his friends when he wants something

I can relate. The last time I yelled at my son was about 7 months ago. I felt so awful and tired after it, and he was a mess. It didn't solve the problem either.

Yelling will stop working eventually. It will just make the both of you more upset.

Get down on their level and look them in the eye. Be calm, even if you feel like you are going to blow up on the inside. Validate how they are feeling, in words they can understand. Then you can work on solving the problem. They need to understand that they are still loved, even though they have made a mistake. Let them know what their choices are.

Yelling at a child will but them in panic/fight or flight mode, and their brain functioning dimishes. They will not be able to learn anything. Adults are the same! Once they are more calm you can discuss solutions to the problem.

It's not always this cut and dry, as the types of problem and solutions vary, but the more you practice staying calm and the problem being fixed, the calmer you will be next time, with better expectations for success.

You need to save your yells for situations that really warrant them, unsafe situations. If you are yelling all the time it will not get their attention when it needs to.

Dont beat yourself up if you slip. I think it's great that you are honest enough with yourself that you can recognize the problem and try to fix it.

Go mommy!

Ugh, I feel you!

A while back I saw myself slipping into the same pattern. It initially started with me thinking, "wow, that was effective" but then quickly turned to "this is not how I want to be". He was hearing me and was just ignoring me. Whatever he had going on was more important than what I had going on. So I started getting down to his level and talking to him. I explained that I was frustrated having to say his name over and over again or ask him to stop doing something repeatedly and that I needed him to listen to me when I was talking to him. Next I started creating consequences for him not listening. i.e. "Finn, you need to come here right now or we'll have to miss out on naptime stories" and I always say it in a firm but quiet tone. It only took missing naptime stories twice before he decided to come around. Time out wasn't as effective as the horror of losing bedtime stories and if he's really out of line I'll tell him after dinner he's going straight to bed. He totally gets it and I honestly don't have to yell anymore (and rarely have to mention the consequences of not listening). It's hard when the consequence comes later - you've said no naptime stories at 9:00 am then 4 hours later you have to carry the punishment out. It's an opportunity to revisit what happened that made the consequence come about and while you'll have a whole new slew of tears and tantrums the cause really seems to stick.

I had a "slip" the other day when my 2.5 yr old opened the gate (which he's not supposed to do b/c of cars) - I came running out of the house and yelled "NO FINN!" and he froze then started crying. I felt bad but also came to realize that yelling should be reserved for these dangerous moments. It is effective and you need SOMETHING to rely on in case of danger.

In short, stop yelling, offer consequences that you can stick to (I never like the stop this behavior or we have to leave b/c sometimes you can't leave yet) and then stick to your guns.

Good for you for wanting to make this change. Being a parent is hard work and being the parent you want to be is even harder, but not impossible.

Best of luck to you!!!!
T.

Definitely try the counting method- with both of them! You can get the book and read it, it's called 1-2-3 Magic. It works from age 2-12 years old, but buyer be ware they will definitely test you on it at 1st- the older one being more used to pushing the right buttons. I'll teach you the method briefly, but you should get the book for your own support and sanity sake. Okay, so nutshell is that you only use counting for Stop behaviors (whining, touching something they shouldn't, obnoxious, etc) NOT Start behaviors (do your homework, eat your dinner, etc.). And what you do (at first) is warn them that you are going to count to three and they need to stop what they are doing or they will get a time out (use a no nonsense tone & don't yell or be emotional). Then you count 1... 2... 3 (don't use cute tricks like 2 and a half and do Not back down b/c now they want to hurry up and obey). At first, they may very well not even hear you because they are indeed not used to paying attention to you unless you are screaming. But I PROMISE you that if you are consistent, they WILL learn to obey quickly, before you get to two and the smartest kids will learn to stop before you even count 1! With my two year old, I give her time out for two minutes in a PacknPlay that we use for nothing else. Some people think it should straight out be in a chair, but this is what works for us right now b/c I don't want to have to practically sit on her to keep her down two minutes! The nine year old gets nine minutes of time out- you should get and use a kitchen timer because it keeps things fair and UN-EMOTIONAL which will help the kids feel that it is fair, even when they want to claim otherwise. No big speeches mom, just go back, remind the toddler that he needed to obey mommy and teach him to say "sorry mommy" and I ask my girl if she's ready to obey mommy now (she has had the nerve to say no and stay two more minutes!). The 9 year old, you need to stay equally un-emotional, make a 1-2 sentence maximum length statement about why he got time out and eventually you can ask him questions to draw out his understanding of the rule(s) because he will begin to assimilate them soon enough. But you really do need to stop yelling at them, I'm a mom with two little ones and they really know how to test me, but I also know better (I'm a mental health therapist) and try to hold the line on appropriate discipline. I'm glad you are honest enough with yourself to check your-self and humble enough to ask what can you do. Hopefully this helps, but I do encourage you to get the book or at least go sit in Borders a few hours and thumb through it. Best wishes, N.

I learned this lesson by example from my MIL who has younger children. She has made these same statements to me asking why the kids won't listen. I have noticed they do hear her but have learned they don't have to respond until she yells. When my husband & I are taking care of them respond promptly when spoken to. They know the expectations from us are not as lenient. We have a lot of fun together because life is not a battle.

It will take some time & lots of energy on your part but will be totally worth it in the end. You have gotten some great strategies from other responses so I won't get into that. Your kids will learn.

I second the advice you've already received: make visual, face-to-face contact when you make a request, and ask for feedback to be sure it has been heard. Yelling is a "lazy" habit that ends up being much more work than the making a real connection with our kids.

That doesn't mean they will comply, of course, so for that you need a clear and consistent set of consequences – separate step. The more logically the consequence is connected to the failure to comply, the better. And be sure you are also acknowledging your children's cooperative moments, too – another good habit that may take some effort on your part to learn.

There are some wonderful resources to help you along. As Liz A. suggests, Non Violent Communication is terrific, and also the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You can read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081....

Pretend they are deaf for a week. Stop saying their names over and over again. Say it once and insert yourself between them and their activity and wait till they acknowledge you to move on. Make sure you have eye contact with them when you talk at all.

Most of the time when the yelling gets out of control, it's at least partially because we're being lazy and trying to get their attention from the next room without getting up and those kinds of things. You have to be willing to loom large, physically put yourself between things, and such.

Also start offering prizes like a cookie or a hug or a special activity when one of them hears you and responds to you being quiet and calling their name. If you think about it, the only time mom calls most kid's names is for something the kids don't want to do. Change that so that randomly they will get special treats for being responsive to not yelling and so that sometimes you called them just to tell them they're awesome kids and give them something.

With the two year old, you need to be walking to him, saying his name quietly and taking his hand, and walking him to whatever you want.

Also, saying their names and then staring at them expectantly, and slowly escalating by taking the game controller away, or whatever you need to do to get a response is better than saying their name again.

Best of luck. It is possible.

My answer is more reasonable for your two year old. I am a preschool teacher and I have nodes on my vocal chords. Due to that, I can easily lose my voice through overuse. The key for me was to break my habit of yelling over a noisy classroom or across the playground. One thing I have learned that seems to work, is walking over to the child. I kneel down at eye level and then almost whisper my request. The whisper is actually more interesting to them than a yell and manages to catch their interest. I can now reserve my yell for immediate important things and the kids respond quicker.

Try recording yourseld so you hear yourself exactly as your children hear you.

Don't beat yourself up over it.....we all slip at times... we just need to learn how to redirect ourselves.

So your kids will only listen to you if you yell? I think you are incorrect on that one. Here's what I've noticed with yellers. They think they are doing what they need to do to get the result they want but really they just continue to yell until they get compliance. Yelling isn't really working at all. Instead of yelling how about trying some active parenting. When you say your 2 yr old's name and he doesn't look at you try going over to him and touching him on the shoulder or going down to his level and saying 'I'm speaking with you so please pay attention.'

Your 9 yr old is just going to start tuning you out so instead of getting into shouting matches with him step back and remember that you are the parent, he's the child, and it's your way in your household. When he's talking back remind him that it's your rules and he needs to stop or go to his room. His choice right this minute.

I find it helps to tell my son "even when I'm saying this nicely I really do mean it."

As far as yelling in general, check out Marshall Rosenberg and his Non-Violent Communication information. I got an audio book from our library and found it to be quite informative. He has a website and there are numerous support groups as well.

I'm so glad you asked this. I too am a yeller :( I love all the advise everyone has posted. and I'm going to follow many of the suggestions! I also didn't dare disrespect my parents and did as I was told, or else! Who wanted 'or else'? I just don't get my kids. lost in the computer game world even when it's been taken away for a month I guess.
I don't have any new advise, you got lots of wonderful advise already. Just letting you know that I"m in the same boat. And it seems that alot of us are.

when you feel the urge to yell, send them to their rooms, until you calm down. do this a few times, many times if needed. you'll be training yourself not to yell anymore. it will take time. when you have learned to teach them how to listen without yelling then no need to send them to their rooms. i understand though, i can call my kids' names a bazillion times, and they respond tend not to respond. i haven't had the urge to yell though because if they're watching tv and 'ignoring' my calling, i'll go turn off the tv and look at them until they say: huh :)
whatever they're doing, which makes them not respond i'll go take it away or shut it off or down or whatever then they realize here i am calling their names. no yelling though. they'll learn to express themselves like that too. not too pleasant to have to listen

not saying that this is your situation, but if it is maybe to hear it plainly will help.
My husband to this day will sit on his big fat bum and yell across the room to the kids. If he were to get up off his butt and go over to them they would be more than willing to stop what they are doing and do what ever he wants, But they are not Dogs that come when whistled at. They are people. I wish he would try a little respect.

I was the Mom who yelled. I had to reteach myself to stop. I had a family meeting and said that I did not want to yell anymore and I wanted them to stop yelling at each other. Did we stop on a dime -no way.We did work on the problem as a family. I think that you are on the right track with your nine year old. I had to tell my oldest son what I wanted from him up front and then turn around and walk away. He knew what was expected and I had to stop arguing. We all agree to be more respectful of each other, not just the kids but me too. The two year old you may need to go to him, get on his level and talk directly to his face. I had to learn to move my body and go to the problem.I was tired from working all day and would sit on the couch and yell. As soon as I moved my body the behavior stopped. It does take time and most importantly being consistent.

Try no talking. It could be your kids have adjusted to the negative attention. I know if I ignore my little one, she will shake me to get me to talk to her. I just tell her we have to talk nice to each other and we can start over. Works pretty good for me.

Check out books about "Non-violent parenting". I'm working on this two:)

I think that when you want them to stop something. you need to physically go to them and hold their arms in front of you and say, "look at me". And if they avoid eye-contact, you must move your head or their head until you get them to look at you. Then say, "do not do that..etc."

Secondly, don't ever tell them to do/not to do something from way across the room. If you're outside and they're far from you, you will have to try to physically get yourself to them until they finally get the point that you will not allow them to get away with things (and you will be right there by them if you have to). So they better learn to make better choices. It's not going to be easy when your tied up with doing something else, but that's the sacrifice of parenting. You do it enough and their habits will change.

And don't engage in arguments with your kids..even as simple as, "uh huh"(yes).."nuh uh"(no). I don't allow anything that would encourage my daughter to talk back to me.