Needing New Advice on Preparing Toddler for a New Baby on the Way!

In Mercer Mayer's book entitled The New Baby, Little Critter learns that a new baby is nice, but also not an instant playmate. It's a very realistic depiction of what your toddler can expect.

My most practical advice: According to my experience, your toddler will be too young to be expected to act lovingly toward the baby at all times. Don't leave them alone together. I once walked in on my first child (2 y/o) whacking her new baby sister on the head with a hairbrush. Ouch!

What I found to be very helpful to curb resentment was to refer to the new baby as "your baby" when speaking to the toddler. This will hopefully communicate to the "big sister" what her very special, new role in the family will be.

Lastly, reassure yourself that new babies really don't demand the same kind of attention that your toddler does. It's a pretty gradual transition most of the time.

D.

One thing we did was made a book. I used Adobe PhotoShop Elements and made a book with photos of our daughter when she was a baby. Text added to the pages describing things helped us and anyone else we asked to read it, reinforce things she could do with the baby. The text read like the following:

Page 1: Jane is going to be a big sister! She is so excited to have a new baby come to live at her house.

Page 2: Jane knows a baby is coming because Mommy has a Baby-Tummy. When the baby is ready to be born, Mommy and Daddy are going to the hospital. The Dr. will help Baby Bill be born.

Page 3: When Mommy, Daddy, and Baby Bill are at the hospital, Jane gets to have a slumber party with Grandma. She will have so much fun. Jane is excited to visit Baby Bill and Mommy and the hospital. Mommy will be so excited to see Jane because she loves her so much.

Page 4: When everyone is home, Jane will get to do lots of jobs to help with Baby Bill. When Mommy is changing Bill's diaper, Jane can give Mommy the wipes. This is very important to help Bill have a clean bottom. Jane is a super helper!

Page 5: Bathtime... getting to hand Mom the soap, towel, washcloth, lotion.

Page 6: When baby is fussy, show baby pictures from a book and sing a song.

Page 7: Mom and Dad love Jane so much. Jane is going to be a great big sister.

We had everyone read this book to our daughter before baby was born. She heard it well over 100 times by the time baby was born. Good luck.

Hi L.,

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I would highly recommend "Baby on the Way" from the Dr. Sear's collection. We just used that book with our toddler son to prepare him for the arrival of his little sister. He too loves books and this was one of his favorites.

The best advise someone gave me was to make sure that you set aside quality time with your toddler when the baby comes. My husband has been able to have quality time with the new baby while me and my son are able to go play one on one and I swear that has helped with the transition.

Wishing you the best of luck!

Hello!

My two daughters are 20 months apart so I have been where you are now (minus the older child). One thing that we did when our first daughter was around 18 months was to buy her a baby doll of her own. I wear my babies in slings and we bought her a little doll sling of her own to give to her after the baby was born. That way she could wear her baby just like I wore mine. If you use a stroller then you could opt for a doll stroller instead. It made a great new-big-sister present!

Once our first daughter had her own baby doll it was easier to talk to her about babies since we always had a concrete example in the house.

One tip that some mothers I know who have many many children (between 4 and 14 children per family spaced as closely as 15 months apart) told me was to refer to the baby as "name of older child's baby" instead of "mama's baby" or "baby's name." The mamas who told me this said that it helped to give the older child a feeling of protectiveness, and that there was a huge difference between the siblings they did this with and the ones they didn't do this with.

I didn't find any big sibling books that I liked, but that probably has more to do with the fact that we're not mainstream at all. So books that showed bottles, strollers, or even diapers weren't accurate for our family. I'm sure there are some great books out there, just none that fit our particular needs.

Best wishes! It's a lot of fun having two close in age. Challenging, but fun :)

~B.

Hi, so a friend of mine turned me on to this phrase that was incredibly instrumental in helping my babies prepare for the new one. My boys are 15 months apart and the next one came 12 months after the middle boy. She told me to start using the phrase " Mommie's hands are busy" whenever I was busy, whether it was doing dishes, laundry, feeding or changing baby, whatever it was. I was used to saying it and my toddlers were used to hearing it. It was and is a habit that I still use. There has been very little jealousy involved with my kids, probably because they just never knew any different. But... I truly believe that that one simple statement helped tremendously with the transition. And now, it is just a common phrase and easiily accepted by my children who are now 4,5, and 6. I share that phrase with everyone I can think of who has small kids or is preparing for a new arrival. Good luck! :) Oh, and congratulations on beating cancer! My mom is a survivor 2 times and has been cancer free for 10 years! :)

We just went through this a year ago, so I hope I can give you a few suggestions. One book we liked is I'm a big brother (they also have I'm a big sister) by Joanna Cole. You can buy it bookstores or check out from the library. We read this book every day - even after the baby was born. It helped my son know what to expect. He was just over 2 years old when our 2nd was born. My son did really well at first, but did have jealous tendencies and once threw a ball at the baby. One thing I wish I would have done, was have someone help me with the baby for an hour a day so I could spend one/one time with son. He went from having me all to himself, to having me only part time.
Best wishes to you!

L.,
We took our nearly 3 year old son (at the time) to a class for soon-to-be siblings at the Salem hospital - it was only one morning on a Saturday and it was helpful. They also gave a resource from the library that had a huge list of books we could read to him on the subject. I think, in the end, this helped the most. But I would do both if I were you. I don't think the class was too expensive and well worth the time. We just kept exposing him to the idea in a positive light. He never knew any reason to be upset about it. By the way, our baby girl is nearly one year and our son is a very loving, kind and helpful brother who's never really exhibited any jealousy. We feel the transition was very successful.

HI! Congratulations. My giggling children are 9, 7 1/2, 6 and 4 1/2. THEY'RE ALL AWAKE AND HAVE JUST JUMPED IN MY BED AND ARE GOOD FRIENDS. All four were born in 5 1/2 years. I'm not saying I did it perfectly, but I know much about it. First of all. If being a strong FAMILY is your #1 priority then you'll be fine. I made books for my children. Don't be an over-the-top perfectionist in this dept and try making an untouchable scrapbook that cost you away-from-life hours and lots of dollars. Sit in front of a blank document. Write a love story for your child...how much you love your husband...your son...how WONDERFUL SHE IS TO YOU...write about what you like about her, why she is important, what you appreciate about her...DROP IN PICTURES AND ENLARGE THEM! IN THIS DELICIOUS SANDWICH OF A LOVING FAMILY PUT IN A SLICE OF BABY. THEN A SLICE OF BIG SISTER, A SLICE OF HOW MOM AND DAD WILL LOVE SISTER AND NEW BABY AND BROTHER WITH A GROWING HEART. YOU GET THE IDEA. THERE IS NO "taking away" when a new baby comes...just becoming more! (IT WILL BE MORE FOR YOU, MAMMA...BUT WITH WHATEVER MORE FATIGUE YOU FEEL, YOU'LL FEEL MORE JOY, TOO.)

The best thing you can do is to REMEMBER THAT A 21 MONTH OLD is still a "baby", but a growing up baby. You might have a tendency to expect more or less of her at times. Be guarded. This is stressful to them; use lots positives and pray for LOADS OF PATIENCE. REMEMBER THAT SHE IS STILL IN AN APPROPRIATELY EGO-CENTRIC AGE. The world DOES and should revolve around her and her alone. Empathy and sharing and all of that are only budding hopes. USE HER NAME A LOT AND THE NEW BABY'S NAME LESS. IE: "Lilly! Look Lily, the baby is looking at her big sister, Lilly. She loves you Lily". This is the same message to our ears as "Baby Christin is looking at you. Baby Christin loves you." When Lily (or whatever big sister's name is) hears her name, she feels recognized, talked about, and valued. This is key...to not be "pushed aside" by showers, and gifts and feedings and "special" baths. Inclusion is the key...letting her retain a HEALTHY SLEEP SCHEDULE and insist on naps, so you can be a nice mommy by having a rested toddler and newborn. It's key to do things WITH YOUR DAUGHTER. When you're feeding baby, let her feed her baby, etc. Pray and remember to not be a martyr for the mommy cause...live for the cause, and you will love your life. I had boys 18 months apart, the next were 20 months apart...I've been there. Good luck, enjoy it!!!!! Best wishes. S.

I just had my fourth baby two months ago. My first two kids were 22 months apart. We were very worried about how our oldest would react since she only had limited understanding of what was going on. The one thing that we did was get her a baby doll about 2 or 3 months before our son was born. That way she could learn how to treat the baby. She loved playing with the baby and learning how to be helpful. She was totally thrilled with her little brother in the hospital, then kind of so so when we first brought him home, but she quickly got over that and enjoyed having a little brother. (Now that they are almost 6 and 4 she isn't so thrilled with him, but I think that too will pass!)

My girlfriend is a mother of 4 now. and she always spoke to her children about "our" baby. She explained that the baby belongs to the family and they all get to play, help etc.) Her 3 year old says "my baby..." or "our baby..." whenever he talks about his little sister it is the cutest thing!

My 2nd was born a week before my 1st's 2nd bday. We talked about his baby brother in the belly all the time. I also read somewhere that if you allow them to be at the birth, then they accept the new one better. For me, this was easy because I had a home birth. Some hospitals allow siblings, some don't. If you're open to this idea, you definitely want a family member there tending just to the toddler. If no family members can make it, you can hire sibling doulas. Mine was born at 2am, so my toddler was sleeping. He was in and out of sleep with all the commotion in the house. My aunt was staying with him. When #2 came, he was awakened. My aunt brought him in within minutes of the birth. He was ecstatic. I had watched water birth videos with him, so even though he didn't see #2 emerge, he understood that he had just come out in the bath. We let him stay up and watch all the first cleaning, weighing, and measuring. The midwife let him listen to his heart. This kind of involvement sets the stage for them being the 'big' helper and older sibling. I can see how it would be harder if the sibling just goes to a babysitters for 3 days while both parents are in the hospital. Then when they finally get to be with their parents again, there's this baby always in mom's arms. Good luck in whatever you do. Hopefully you'll get advice from some other experiences as well.

Hello
I understand what you are going through. My daughter was a little older than yours when our baby boy was born. You are doing great by keeping her involved in the pregnancy. We had my duaghter at every visit including the ultrasounds and she was with us, being told with excitment about the new arrival, right up until time for c-section. We brought a gift for her from the baby in my bag and she thought it was really neat that the baby came with a gift. We also bought extra little gifts to give her when people came to see the baby. We made sure to tell all that if they would like to bring the baby anything that is great but Kayla needed to be included. Another thing that she loved was that while I was in the hospital I had a group of pictures of her and her with me right next to my bed. I have to admit that having the pics there helped me too. It was the first time I had ever left her for more that a few hours in almost 2.5 years. Hold her alot after you delivery, they don't understand how exhausted you are or why so they need reassuance that you are ok. Lots of hugs, kisses and I love yous and don't forget to tell her that she is still your special baby girl. Try not to use any of the same pet names for the new baby that you use for her. Encourage interest but don't push baby on her. When you come home with the baby have someone other thatn you carry her in so you can give her love first thing. Try to do all you can to still have special time with her without the baby at least once a day. My Kayla warmed up in own time to Ryan and wanted to help in every way, She is still a toddler but she is a great big sister. Just listen to your heart and be patient. Relax and take it with stride. Good luck and you are going to do great!! Cogratulations!!
Contact me if you need anything.
C.

Every child is different, but my kids are 20 months apart and ds loves his little sister. He actually had a harder time of it when family was here to help with the new baby. I think the best thing is as you can get some one on one time with your toddler. Over time you'll be able to show her that she is important and the baby is important. Also, it would probably be great to get her help where she is able with the baby. Make her "boss" of some tiny thing related to helping this new person in the house (and she'll certainly get more capable with that in the coming year). I hope your delivery goes really well and that your little ones really really enjoy each other!

C.

We loved Mercer Mayer's "The New Baby", our now three year old still reads it all the time. Our newest is 7 weeks old today. the other just turned three last week. We have only had a few problems with her whining and acting out, but she loves the baby and wants to help and hold her all the time, too much perhaps! The hardest thing is going anywhere with both of them, as I don't have enough eyes or hands to keep the baby with me while chasing her. We did give her a baby doll when she came to visit in the hospital, and a big sis necklace which she still proudly wears!

My son was that same age when we had our second..We tried to explain to him he was going to be having a new brother soon but he was just to young we showed him photos of pregnant women and babies but nothing. So the day I went into labor he had been with us at my doctors appt. I didnt know i was in labor until after my appt. Anyways he went over to the hospital with us got mommy all settled into her room and we sat with him then his aunt and some friends came and they took him out for a big brother lunch at his favorite place and then he went and hung out with the grandpas until after the baby was born. he got to see me for awhile and we introduced him to the baby...he still wasnt sure about what was going on. He then went for a big slumber party at grandmas and he had a huge weekend...when we came home from the hospital we gave ourselvese to settle in with the baby and made a big to do about him coming home to the house all the family was there we put brother down to his level on the floor. I am not going to lie the first few weeks were a little hard he wanted mom alot. but now he is almost three and brother just turned one and they are best friends they play soo well together and in june we will be having brother number three...good luck and just remember eventually she will come around..it will just take time

You sound like an extraordinary woman and it sounds like your daughter may take after your "strong" personality. I have two daughters exactly 18months apart. They are 5 and 6 now. Before giving birth to my second daughter I became very depressed in fear of the effect on my existing "baby" (being my oldest daughter who was just over a year old) She too has a bossy, strong personality, which I think has attributed to her being the worlds BEST older sister! What I'm trying to say is, I 100% understand your concern.
A couple months before I gave birth to my second girl, I would roll play with my oldest. We would share the "babying" tasks for a baby doll. I would swaddle it and hold it, even at times when my oldest wanted to be held, I would say "shhh...we don't want to wake your baby.....look....she's sleeping" For some reason this type of stuff worked for us. I would have her help dress the baby and I would ask her help for things like sitting on the couch and holding the baby. We would even walk together to go put the baby in the bassinet or crib.....just to get her somewhat familiar with the crazy routine that was about to come our way. We took that babydoll everywhere.
I of course read her books about a new baby coming, but at 16months, I don't know if she totally got that. The roll playing helped the two of us bond, because it was actually fun and playful. When the REAL baby came it was a natural transition for the both of us to a certain extent. She was always mommy's helper, even if that meant just sitting next to me and rubbing the baby's feet.
That first night home with the new baby was rough on me though, as I read my oldest her night time story, I started sobbing like a baby, I realized that my "baby" was no longer the "baby" she was being forced into the bigger sister. I knew I would be expecting more from her. She took on the role like a pro though..having tiny (and fun) responsibilities made her feel so proud. We constantly thanked her and told her what a big girl, and good big sister she is, and how much she helps. Even if it is just bringing a diaper to you that is only 4' away. Practicing with a not so demanding doll helped to make it a little more fun once the real thing came along.
My girls are absolute BEST friends now, their closeness in age is tough at first (on mommy more than anybody), but it's a blessing after those first couple years.
Good Luck Mama!! I hope you find some sound advice that fits in with your family......Have fun with your babies!! :)

Congratulations all around!!!
We have two daughters that are 23 months and 10 days apart. (Yep, 15 days between their birthdays....I don't know what we were thinking!)
Anyway, I recieved two of the best pieces of advice when I was in your shoes. Both were life savers!
1. Keep the oldest child's schedule as best as you can. Nap times, snacks/meals, reading, bedtime routine. We continued with gymnastics for our older daughter. The second one just slipped right into the routine and didn't know any different.
and 2. I agree BIG time with Diane T. We referred to the new baby as "Your" baby sister. We made it a huge point that she was going to get a sister, and that was a very very special thing. We also got her a baby doll that she could feed when I nursed, change its diaper, and all that stuff.
At first we would make dates with our older daughter everyday. 20 minutes of complete one on one with her while baby was napping.
For preschool we attended (and still do) a cooperative preschool, so we would still have that special time with each one. It was and still is very important for us to be part of our children's education and our girls LOVE it!
Good luck!!
It will be hard at first, but they do grow to be close friends. Nurture that and you will be amazed at what they get into together!! ;)
A.

We were given several books that dealth with this subject. None of them really helped beforehand, but my toddler requested them repeatedly after baby came home. I think she was trying to make sense of it all and these helped her. Anyway, Jeanne Ashbe wrote two books, including What's Inside and I don't remember the other one, that deal with explaining a pregnancy to a toddler and explaining some of the waiting/turn taking after baby comes home. I think these are great little books.

My toddler really seemed upset toward the end of my pregnancy about what was going to happen to me. A quick trip to the hospital to tour where they were going to take care of me seemed to alleviate these issues.

Lastly, once baby came home it was important for us to give our toddler a job. Everyone was fussing over baby and she felt left out. So we started giving her little tasks like bringing me a diaper or burp cloth. She also kept an empty toilet paper roll and put little toys through it to determine which toys were too small for baby to "play" with.

I worried about this A LOT. I was so concerned about about how our toddler would handle sharing her parents. Now my children are 3 and 1. I remember worrying, but no serious issues. Now my kids are already great friends. I hope that helps.

My husband and I went through the same thing when our second was born. A couple of books that we really liked were "Angelina's Baby Sister," and the Bearenstain Bears version of having a new baby. In retrospect, I really wish we had better prepared our first for what it would be like to have a new baby at home. She did well with the pregnancy, but was not happy with me being gone in the hospital for four days (I had to stay n for a few extra days). All I can recommend is to find some special time with your daughter after the baby is born. The new baby won't really care too much who is holding him, so take advantaage of it while you can.
Good luck!
C. B.

My 2 children are exactly 21 months apart. Sounds like you are on the right track and you are aware of this. I would just keep involving you daughter in everything and let her help you when it comes to the new one. My son really surprised me when my daughter came.... I thought for sure he would be jealous, but he loved her at 1st sight! I would let him be involved in getting her room ready and I had him talk to my belly and say hi to his little sister... i know, it sounds silly but you do anything to involve the other child. ; 0) Good luck.. wish I had something better to tell you!!!