Needing Advice on How to Stay Calm During Preg with Older Children

I think that insted of yelling at them, try taking their favorite things away. For example toys, dolls, video, games, tv time and so forth. If you have to take ths stuff away when they are at school, than do it. That way you don't have the stress of listening to them when they are home. When they complain, explain to them thy need to earn their things back. Also tel them that their things are a privlage not a reward for bad behavior.

K.

a reward system and time outs work great but it takes time. I have 5 kids ages 7-3, two of which are my stp children and if ever 2 kids were out of control.....the point is time doesn't seem like something you have a lot of right now. you need something that is going to get some pretty instant results. I'm not saying not to impliment a reward system because you should things won't be any easier after baby is here either if your kids are that in need of some disipline. so try it anything i made a siomple chart with what they were expected to do throughout the day and if they do it they get an hour on the computer and if they don't, they don't. no exceptions. no well you did most of this sooo....ok just this one time. have youi spoken to your children? actually sat tehm down with you and your husband and said hey look here's the deal and we need your help? at 8 your oldest is capable of understanding a lot about the situation and is more than capable of helping you out. also at least one of tehm is in school and gone for a large part of the day, and if they are both in school then even better for you, if not though then how is your 4 year old when it's jsut the two of you? are things any better. could it be that they are lashing out for your attention since you are now home all the time? my best advice though given the fact that nothing works right away is to just focus on you. ok so your kids don't listen. my step daughter's counselor swears on the simple concept of just ignoring the behavior we don't like so that she stops doing it for our attention. so try it. go in the other room and let them be crazy. take some deep breathes, count to 10 or 100 or 500 if that's what it takes. I myself like to go in the bathroom and drink a pop and just be like ahhh quiet. then when daddy gets home let him take over. yes he is tired and yes he worked all day but your health is what's important. the house can be messy the laundry can be dirty or left in the dryer for a day or even 6, take care of you. so often we get so overwhelemd with all we think we have to do that we forget to do what's important and that is take care of ourselves emotionally as well as physically. i know it sounds like it won't solve anything to just say hey i'm not going to argue with you if you don't want to listen i'll just go in the other room and do whatever. but right now the bigger problem is how this all effects your health not so much teh way they act. that will take time. your health doesn't have time. so good luck and take care. take it easy, and i know how hard it can be to spend money on things when you aren't working and you have a new baby on teh way but if you can afford it you wouldn't be a bad mom to put them in daycare for a few hours a day or even just a few days so you can have some piece. again good luck. Kari

You need to get the other kids under control. Do a reward system AND time out. I have a system where my kids are required to do certain things before school and if they accomplish everything they get a poker chip which is good for 1/2 hour of television. Then the same thing happens at bedtime. Since I have two kids and they each earn one hour of tv a day (if they do EVERYTHING, no exceptions) then they get 2 hours which is more than enough on a week night. With time-out, you absolutely have to be consistent and firm. Tell them to change the behavior. If they do not, tell htme you will count to three if they haven't done ________ (whatever it is) they will go to time out. Then Count to three and DO IT! To many people lose it at that point. I hear people count and they never actually get to 3 b/c they are continuing to yell or they just don't follow through. Let your kids know who is boss! Good Luck.

Hi N.:
Wow, I wish I could give you some advice about your two kids but I'm new to this, so I can only speak from pregnancy experience. I think every pregnant woman should be required to take pre-natal yoga. I went once a week for my 2nd and 3rd trimesters and it really helped me handle the stress factors in my life (i.e. very stressful and exhausting job). It also helped me overcome insomnia throughout the pregnancy and I still use the yoga breathing when I'm having breastfeeding or screaming baby challenges. Before I went, I was a blithering mess of hormones. Now I have this great ability to find peace in the middle of chaos, using the techniques I learned in yoga.
It's probably hard for you to get away and take some time for yourself, but it sounds like you're at the end of your rope, so some sort of self-wellness should definitely be priority in your life...treat yourself. You deserve it.
J.
ps
I know of a great yoga studio in the Akron area...if you're interested, drop me a line.

I think you and your husband should go to some counseling together. Double team disciplining the children so it's consistent.

Hi N.,

I just had a baby and my other child just turned eleven. We had an initial period of our eldest being obstinate and refusing to listen to me during the pregnancy, so i understand where you are coming from. Hang in there. Have you tried talking to your oldest child, explaining that they are your helper? When I duscussed the importance of my older son's role with him, it seemed to fill him with pride and he began to help more.
There was just a recent report in the news that a mother's stress levels do not affect the baby growing inside, so at least that is one less thing to worry about.
You can do this. Don't let the kids get to you. Remeber, they are going through some stress, too. Just take a deep breath and carefully pick your battles. So what if the youngest decided to have jellybeans and syrup for lunch? Oh well. Just let it go. Worry about you, your well being and the precious bundle growing inside. Messy houses and mouthy kids will wait. Good luck to you, and your family.

Congrats on the new one! I would always lock myself in the bathroom for a little bit just to calm down (I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old). It does get hard sometimes. I can relate.

Hi N.,
It seems that you need to set limits with your other children. No one can make the kids respect you but you. If they only listen when daddy is home, it is because you aren't enforcing the rules and limits when he isn't. Be firm with them and soon you will see results. They don't have to fear you and you don't have to become a tyrant, but you have to let them know what is expected of them at all times and what the consequences are if they do not follow the rules. When they test the limits or misbehave, you have to follow through with the consequences. If screaming and jumping on the furniture means a time out or punishment today, then it must mean that tomorrow. Make sure punishments fit the crime and are consistent. It will be tough at first, but you will see results. Wait until your dad gets home isn't a viable solution. Your relationship with your children is your responsibility. If they are to respect you and listen to you, you have to be the one to teach them how. People will only do what they are allowed to do. If you allow them to not listen, they aren't going to listen. Establish a relationship that is built on mutual respect and trust. Make sure they know what to expect out of you as mom, no matter what condition you are in, and make sure they know what you expect out of them as children.

I was always the one who yelled at the kids, too (much more than I wanted to). So, I finally figured if that doesn't get their attention, try talking quietly... that sometimes worked. The best thing that would make them mind me, though, was to be clear when telling them what was expected of them. And what would be their punishment if they didn't do that and if they didn't behave. You have to follow-thru, every time. Put up a chart with their daily chores and don't let them get away with not doing things they were supposed to. I found if they were not listening; counting would give them that deadline and make them "hop to it". I still count every now and then just to get their attention and mine are much older. Also, a great stress reliever is to think if this particular moment will matter in 5 years. You can get perspective and realize that things sometimes aren't as big a deal as you may feel at that moment. RELAX...don't let it become bigger than it is. It's not worth making yourself sick to get the kids to pick up their rooms, or settle down. Oh, make sure they get outside and do something physical for awhile every day. It calms them down if they're too tired to get up!

Have yoou thought about explaining to your kids what stress could do to you and how important it is for them to listen to you? Your kids are 8 and 4 correct? They are at an age wheer they know right from wrong. If they don't listen to you put them in time-out or take things they enjoy away, and tell them when they start listen then they can have it back and when they don't listen they lose more things that they like. Tell them if they continue not to listen tell them that you are going to either throw the toys away or donate them to children who don't have toys. That seems to be an effective way to get kids to do what you want and at the age for 4 and 8 they both should know that you are the mom and they have to listen to you. Good luck let me know how it goes

I suggest some time to yourself!!! Myabe set up somthing where you can have you mom or aunt or anyone to watch them so u can have a lil time to YOU!!

Hi N.,
I truely understand your situation. My husband is a pilot and is on a 6 day off 8 day on schedule...so he is gone 1/2 the month. I will give you a few hints I use to stay sane. First, establish a routine.. come home from school, sit down do homework till 4 while you make dinner, eat, bath then some free time, stories at 7:30-bed at 8. I work full time but I teach so I get home at the same time as my daughter. From there, my routine starts. We are in such a routine that there really isn't time to not listen.Of course setting one if you haven't had one will be a little difficult at first, but establish some kind of reward system for doing those things. If my kiddos don't listen, we don't fight, you go to yoru room for time out. From there, if you chose not to listen again, then you lose fun things such as making a snack, stories at night, freee time etc.Even at 2 1/2 my litten one is on the same ruotine...which she does homework he colors or does playdoh. Also, I will tell you as a teacher, I believe tha t90% of my behavior problems that happen in my class are from lack of sleep. I teach inner city, so they don't have routines...but 7:30-8 should be bedtime for a 4 year old. (Is the 4 year old in preschool? If you are in akron the public schools offer it for $40 a month 1/2 days 5 days a week!) Good luck.
K.

Hi N. - My second preg turned out to be a high risk preg, and I know keeping yourself calm is the most important thing to help in the delivery of your baby. Try planning out your day, keep a routine, have the other children help you whenever it is possible. Look to the 8 yr old for some help, tell him/or her that they are the oldest and mommy needs you right now. Sometimes giving them some responsibility, making them feel "grown up" could help. The busier you keep the children, the less time they will have to drive you crazy. My children are 3 n 5, I do it with them, fold laundry together, clean thier room together, make dinner together. The less time they have to run around the house and get into things, the less stressful things are. Also, if your children fight alot, if you manage thier time, they will have less time to fight on thier own.

I am also 22 weeks preg. and my son is 2!! He is NUTS too but I have to keep in my mind he doesn't know. Now your kids are older so maybe talking to them about it might help, especially the 8 year old and even your husband talking to them. Have him tell them that he is not there so they have to help you and help take care of the baby in your belly. I have just learned that whatever he is doing I cannot yell and if I feel that I am going to I learned a technique that works really well.....

start from the top of your body...tighten the muscles on the top of your head..then your face...then your neck...then shoulders.. and keep tightening all the way down your body until you get to your toes. By the time you get all the way down your body you will be too tired to yell and have cooled off from whatever the stress was. Just remember that you have to take care of yourself too!!

I was high risk at the end of my pregnancy too. My second was delivered on the 18th. I have a very active 2 and 3/4 year old. I found getting teenage babysitters to just come over and play with her for a couple of hours twice or three times a week, took the stress off me and let me lay down. It cost a little but worth my mental health.

I also agree with the the advice of an awards system and chores for your older ones. You're a stay at home mom but they are a part of the family. They should help even in small ways like putting the silver of the dinner table. The two are going to test you more then Dad, your Mom, you're friend and authority. It's just harder being pateint right now so look for relief with family and friends. I even found that having a playdate over at my house helped. Then she had a friend to occupy her. Just a few ideas.

Did you ever try structured activities with them like fingerpainting, coloring, Play-Doh, puzzles, etc. to get them something to channel their energy into? Also, maybe you could try a rewards system with each of them.....For good behavior and for simple tasks appropriate for their age completed, they could get a sticker on their chart or something of that nature, and when they get a set number of stickers they get a reward- ice cream out or a small toy. Maybe they'd be better behaved for you and you'd have your stress level go down a bit!.....Just a few suggestions! Hope you find something that works!

R.

Hi N.,
I recently had my fifth child. My oldest is 7, so I know what you mean about feeling like going insane! Also, I spent 6 weeks this summer as a single mom, right after my baby was born, while my husband worked out of state.

First of all, I told my kids that it was not good for the baby in my belly to hear me yelling. It scared him/her. They agreed that it was unfair to the unborn child. They have a connection to their sibling, even before he is born. So, I often reminded them of this when I felt myself getting angry. Patience seems to be so scarce when you are pregnant!

Try WHISPERING every time you want to yell and feel yourself getting worked up. It can be just as effective with the older kids. They may be so shocked that they listen and respond!

When my husband was gone, I was worried about how I would maintain control. In the end, I had great control and things got messed up when he got back! But the first week was rough. I felt like I was a mean mom that whole week and had to be on them every minute. I couldn't let things get too far out of control. Soon, they realized there was ONE authoritiy figure and things went much more smoothly. Decide what your limits are and STICK TO THEM. Do not budge one inch. BE CONSISTENT. I know it is hard and you hear this all the time, but I can tell you it really makes a difference. I have to be consistent to maintain sanity with 5 little ones. People often comment on their good behavior, so it must be working!

Good luck! I hope things start looking up for you!
T.