Need to Get My 9 Year Old and 6 Year Old Boys Sleeping in Their room...ALONE

Hi B.,

Dr. Katharine Leslie is a Parent-Child educator and assists parents with behavioral symptoms in their children.

Write her and see what she says.

Good luck. Hope this helps. D.

Wow, B., this is a tough one especially as you have a 9-year-old who has gotten used to having his own way about this for a very long time.

I totally agree with the person below who recommends the quiet but very firm "supernanny" approach: You're too grown-up for this, time to go to your own room. (And before you apply this method, check to be sure there's not another reason they fear or dislike their room.)

The key is to be extremely consistent and be aware you may have many nights of yelling and screaming from the boys. They will be much worse before this gets better and if you cave in at all to their demands, crying, pleas, "You're so unfair" etc, they will have the upper hand. It sounds so tough but it's the best thing for them. This is a case of don't ask them to do it, tell them it's how things are now.

But please note that this approach doesn't yell or scream back at them and certainly doesn't include spanking them if they don't do it--it's just back, back, back to your room. They'll have a tough time understanding it because they've gotten away with this for a long time.

One question -- why the living room couch? Are they up watching TV in the living room just before bedtime or playing in the living room? If so, eliminating whatever they're doing in the living room that's fun or interesting could help a lot: If it's TV, maybe no TV after dinner anymore. Permanently. Maybe try to have them in their bedroom and quiet for at least a half hour before their appointed bedtime, reading preferably--learning that you can indeed spend quiet time in your own room even before you sleep there. Maybe add ever-changing new books from the library to interest them, if they're readers (ask the librarian what books are hot for boys this age right now--elementary-age boys have to be really enticed to read sometimes). Stick to your guns and please report back here!

Do you ever watch Supernanny?
She tells the children that they are big boys and that they will sleep in their beds at night.
At bed time, you read a story and tuck them in.
The first time they come out, you tell them that it's bed time and you bring them back to bed. No more talking than that. Do NOT engage them. No cup of water... No story... no nothing.
The next and subsequent times they come out you bring them back to bed without talking. You must be firm.
The first night it might take an hour or more.
Every night will get better.
It will be hard, but you let them do this, so now... you have to fix it.

Good luck.
LBC

Hi B.,

I'm wondering how long you have been married. I'm wondering if this is a method your two boys have of trying to get closer to you and/or get your husband farther from you. I'm wondering if it is a jealously thing that has grown into a habitual thing. I've noticed the "step" daughter doesn't have this problem...

With that being said, it is way past time to get your bed and your evening time back. It's always hard to establish a new routine and with older children like this I can imagine you will meet with much resistance.

"Ladybug" wrote you some good ideas. I am thinking that if they are having trouble staying in their rooms, ask them why. Ask them to tell you what the problem is. If its that it's too dark, add a night light. If it is that they are alone, offer to let one sleep in a sleeping bag on the other boy's floor. If it's that they miss you, offer to play a game before bed or read a story (let them read or read to them) or do something else that gives them personal time with you.

If you still can't get it to work... you can try getting them a CD alarm clock. We did that for our girls. We turn on the CD player for 15, 30, 60 or 90 minutes. Sometimes they will get up to go to the bathroom and ask to have the music back on but usually they fall asleep before it ends. We use quiet classical music (Baby Einstein Lullabies) but that is because they are 3 and 5 and they are familiar with it and it is calming. I suggest you find something calming and not something they will sing along to.

I also suggest they go to bed earlier. They will listen to the music or story on the CD player and not go to sleep right away. I can't just go to bed, close my eyes and fall asleep either. It takes me any where from 10 min to 30 min to actually fall alseep. If they understand that disrupting your night means the bed time will get earlier and earlier then they will probably start to realize that doing a good job will let them stay up later. We also have an incentive of 3 jelly beans first thing in the morning (before breakfast so it feels like you're getting away with something) if they're good. Each time they get up and call when it isn't important (hurt or really sick) then they loose a jelly bean. I'm guessing it will take more than 3 beans for your age kids (and don't forget your daughter in this equation). But if they see she gets them each morning and they don't, that may catch their attention too.

Bed time rituals are so hard to establish. For a while our 3 year old was getting up 5-8 times after we put her to bed. It was anything from I'm thirsty to I have to go potty to I don't want to go to bed or I want to read a book. I was about to go insane. No evening time for me and my husband. Finally we put a plastic childproof knob on her door, enacted the bean plan and praised the heck out of her in the morning if she did a good job. A few days of watching her sister get beans led to a few days of one or two beans and then to pretty good behavior. Then again, she's 3.

I wish you all the luck in the world. It's hard to know all the circumstances that went into the creation of this routine you have. That makes it hard to know how to really deal with it. Just consider that it may have something to do with the blending of your families if you blended in the last couple of years. I always think that it's important to explain to the kids that you and your husband need some personal time. The happier you two are, the happier the family is. I also tell my kids I'll check on them before I go to bed. They like knowing I will be in their rooms with them during the night. Sometimes I kiss them on the forehead and then in the morning tell them the story about how I did that and they didn't wake up. I think it makes them feel more secure and comfortable knowing I've come in the night.

Good luck to you. I hope you are able to get this worked out soon. I really think letting them sleep in one room may help, but they'll have to have rules to cut out the play/talk time.

Liz

it took years for it to get to this stage, and you're not going to undo it easily. consistency, consistency, consistency. decide what the consequence will be for giving you grief at bedtime, and make it something that matters. then apply it without fail until they get it. these aren't babies. be firm. be loving.
be firm.
khairete
S.

Why are they afraid of their room? I teacher once told me that he scared his step son at a birthday party, because he dressed as a clown. The parents didn't know, but the boy had seen a scary movie about a clown. Maybe some Friday or Saturday night, you can all have a stay up party in their room. Find out what they are afraid of. Maybe moving the beds around to show them there is nothing hiding there, might help.
Good Luck
Jen

One good thing about children this age is that they respond to rewards. Choose 1 toy/thing that each of them wants and then let them know that this costs them 20 sleeps in their respective rooms. (Would it help if the boys shared a room perhaps?). By the time they get their rewards, they would have gotten used to sleeping on their own and at that point simply announce that they are old enough.

We are just tacking this situation with my 3 year old. He had a few nights where he cried for 2 hours but I firmly held my ground. Kids know when you really mean business.

GOOD LUCK!

Try the nanny JoJo method. Put them in their room, sit outside the door and put them back in their room each time they get out. It will take a few nights but w/ a 9yr old and a 6yr old, they completely know better and they understand what is going on. They only do it because you let them.
Sit down w/ them one evening and explain what you are going to do then do it. As for them staying in their room ALL night, you can take them back when they come in your room or you can lock their door or yours. HOpefully you will have your room back in less than a week.

I have a 4 and 7 year old who were having the same problem with not wanting to sleep alone...I finally figured out that they were afraid of the dark. I let them sleep with a bedside lamp on and though I think I'd get no sleep that way, they seem to be doing fine.

Another suggestion is that maybe they're going to bed too late? If so, then both of them may be keyed up and overtired when bedtime does arrive...I'd try pushing bedtime back a half hour (or an hour, depending on how much trouble you have with them) and see how it goes. Maybe if they are more rested, you won't have as much difficulty.

Either way, they're both old enough to sit down and talk with you about the reasons why they behave this way. Talk to them about ways that they think you all can make bedtime easier. If nothing else works, tell them both that they are expected to stay in bed at night and not to come into your room unless they're bleeding or vomiting - and enforce punishments if they disobey.

This is a tough problem - I hope it works out for you and you can get some sleep!

I would suggest three words: lock. the. door. Obviously I wouldn't ignore them if they come banging on the door at night, but that gives you the opportunity to intercept before they cross the doorway and get them back in their room. When I was a kid I wasn't allowed to go in my parents bedroom during the day without asking, much less at night. My brother who is younger would get scared a lot at night, and I remember my parents would let him sleep on a sleeping bag on the floor but not on the bed. He got sick of it after awhile.
Very occassionally, my four year old will wake up in the middle of the night and come in our room and just sleep on a blanket on the floor. He doesn't wake us up, so I'm usually surprised to find him there in the morning. Now that he's learned how to use the remote, if he wakes up, he just turns on one of his cartoons until we wake up. One time we found him watching Planet Earth at 4:30 in the morning, but we sent him back to his room without issue.

i wish i had an answer i guess take privliges off of them like games tvs movies ect

I was having the same problem with my 4 and 5 year old. They would go to sleep in their beds then before I went to bed one of them would be out in the hallway (behind the baby gate) calling for me. It was kind of my fault that the coming into my bedroom started....I would just bring the child that was up into my room and make a bed on the floor because I didn't want their crying to wake up the other two. I was having several nights where both of them were in my room on the floor! It was getting old and becoming a habit!! I had to stop it!

I was firm about telling them "no more sleeping in my room at night even if they wake up and come in the hall I wasn't going to let them come in my room".

I also made a sticker chart and told them for each night that they stayed in their rooms (not sleeping in the hall!!) that they would get a sticker and when the chart was full they could get a toy. My son(5) enjoys the competition with his sister (4) and he has more stickers then her....whatever works. No matter what I have not let them back in my room. My daughter has had a few night where she has slept in the hall way (behind the baby gate), but at least she is not in my room.

I don't know how well the stickers would work for your 9 year old, but maybe you could think of some other way to keep track of the nights they sleep in their beds and make it a competition between the two boys to see who will win the "prize" (something they could work towards) first......

Just a thought??? Good luck!!

J.

i just saw this same problem on nanny911, and i liked how she handled it. She created a bedtime routine for the children- dinner at 6, bath or shower at 7, story and/or quiet talking with mom and/or dad until 8, then a timer went off and lights were out. each child got personal attention, then mom and dad left. the kids, of course, fought this, and every time they wandered out of the room, mom or dad escorted them back to their bed, kissed them and said goodnight, without saying anything else, beginning a discussion, getting angry, etc. they basically gave the kids no reason to want to be awake, and refused to allow them to sleep anywhere but their own bed. it turned out one of the kids was afraid of the dark, so a nightlight helped him, and i think it took about a week of calmly walking each child back to their bed, tucking them in and leaving before they "got" it. THe nanny said consistency is the key- if the six year old wakes up, quickley and quietly address any needs he might have, then tuck him back in. they'll eventually learn what to do once they understand what is expected (and it'll probably have to be repeatedly ingrained in their heads) good luck!

The boys are old enough to understand it if you mean what you say. What do they respond best to in other situations? You can try punishment and/or rewards. What motivates them? Money? Time with you? Special outings? Make it worth their while to stay in their rooms, and make it VERY unpleasant if they don't. hope this helps. Good luck! N. B.