Need Support Dealing with a Loss

Updated on June 08, 2009
S.F. asks from Moody, AL
17 answers

*I have started this page for my friend S. with her consent*
This is a post for her. She is in her early 30's and went through fertility treatment to conceive recently. She carried this child until 21 weeks when she delivered him on May 27th still born after complications with a sub-chorionic hematoma. They had a memorial service for him Sunday. She is surrounded by her family, church family, and friends that love and support her. She is still of course having a very emotional time with this. I know sometimes it helps to hear that you are not alone in situations. Can some of you super mom's help me and reach out to my friend? She is an incredible Christian mother to a fantastic 8yo son and wife to a wonderful husband. They are all struggling with this loss. Thank you.

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So What Happened?

This is my first time on here. My dear friend, Jen, created this account for me. My family and I took a little trip away this past weekend. It was nice to get away and try to forget about things, then back to reality. I plan on returning to work tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it at all. It's only been 11 days since I had Jonathan. Please say a prayer for me.I am also posting the events of what happened May 27. I wrote this last Wednesday. Thank you all for your sweet comments and support.

One week ago today, I gave birth to a precious baby boy. I had no idea it would end like this, no indication I would come home empty handed. It just happened, and it happened fast. I ask Why? a hundred times a day. There are no answers. I seek the peace and comfort that only God can give me and it feels like it is still so far out of reach. It will come. In time, it will come.

One week ago today, before 7:20PM, I was pregnant. I had been pregnant for 20 weeks, 4 days. So many hopes and dreams of new life shattered. Yet at the same time, those same hopes and dreams renewed. My baby is with his true Father, the One who created him. Jonathan is whole and will never experience the pain of this world. Praise God!

Wednesday morning, May 27, 2009, was just another morning. Chris, Matthew, and I were all excited because we would be leaving for Gatlinburg, TN on Thursday. We hadn't had a family vacation in three years and were really looking forward to it. I had talked to Dr. B the previous week and she said I would be fine. My instructions were to stay hydrated, stop often on the trip there and back to walk around, expect more bleeding due to increased activity. I would see her at my next appointment, June 3.

I got up, dropped Matthew off at his summer program, and went to work. After I got to work, I started cramping a little. Nothing new. I had cramped on and off throughout the pregnancy and usually it just meant the bleeding would increase, but the baby was fine. The cramping continued throughout the morning and I took some Tylenol. It didn't seem to help. By lunch time, I called my doctor. I apologized like I always did for having to bother them. My friends and I joked about my weekly visits and how I was always calling the nurse. The nurse called me back and asked if the Tylenol had helped any, to which I responded no. Dr. B wanted me to come on in for my weekly ultrasound, so my appointment was set for 3:20. I left work around 2:15. I checked in the office at 3:15. By then the cramps were stronger. I asked if they were running on time and told the receptionist I was cramping pretty bad. By 3:45, I was in the ultrasound room. Just as I expected, Jonathan was fine. His heart rate was 150. He had good movement. He was head down, which I thought was strange. He had never been like that before. The hematoma was still there, but Jonathan's head was pressing on it. Dr. B said that is why I was cramping. I would be passing a lot more blood, hopefully the whole hematoma and by next week this would all be over with. I would be a normal pregnant woman with no complications. She told me to go home, lie down, take Tylenol, a warm bath, and apply a heating pad. So I left.

I called Chris as I left the hospital to fill him in. I started cramping so bad, I was having trouble driving. I finally made it home after breaking the speed limit. The cramping had gotten 10 times worse and I could barely stand it. I should have turned around and went back to the hospital. I told myself that as I was driving home. I didn't want to be the overreacting pregnant lady so I ignored my instincts. Chris arrived home about 20 minutes after me. By the time he came in, I was yelling, "Oh God, please help me," and crying. It only took 3 or 4 minutes for Chris to decide I was going to the ER. He called the after hours number, the doctor didn't call back. He called again when we got in the car and told them we were headed to the ER. During this time, Chris's mom had come to the house to pick up Matthew. Poor Matthew was so worried. I didn't even greet him when Chris brought him home. I couldn't talk or focus, I was hurting so bad.

On the way to the ER, I kept my eyes closed for the most part. Every time a wave of pain would hit me, I would open them to look at the clock. I then realized I was having back labor, contractions 2 minutes apart. We got to the ER. They came out and got me in a wheelchair. Chris had to go park the car and I was trying to explain to them what wass going on. I told them I had just been at the doctor's office. The baby was fine then, just 2 hours before. I was having contractions two minutes apart and I was yelling, "Please Lord, help me." I am surprised I didn't clear the ER out. They told me they were going to give me something for the pain and they could hook me up to the fetal monitor. Twice they told me they can hook me up to the fetal monitor. They never did. I don't know what good it would have done except tell me the exact time Jonathan's heart stopped beating. And, that would just be another number for me to remember.

They finally got an IV started and gave me Demerol and phenergan. I had been throwing up. I guess from the pain, I don't know.The pain was still unbearable so they gave me more Demerol. During all this, they are trying to get in touch with the OB on call. He was in an emergency c section. I started bleeding pretty bad. Twice I felt large amounts of blood and told Chris I was bleeding bad. He looked and confirmed it. The ER doctor finally came in and checked me. At the ultrasound earlier in the afternoon, my cervix was totally closed. When the ER doctor checked me, my cervix was totally closed. We were still waiting on the OB to call back. I think we got to the ER close to 6 and the ER doctor checked me sometime around 7, I think. Chris is better with the time because I was in and out. At around 7:20PM, I felt a huge gush of blood. I told Chris I was bleeding bad. It was just the two of us in the room. He looked and said, "Oh my God." I knew what had happened. He yelled down the hall, "Someone get in here. My wife is bleeding and she just had the baby."

I remember just crying out, "Why God? Why is this happening?" over and over again. Chris and I just held each other and cried uncontrollably. More like sobbed uncontrollably. The ER doctor and two nurses ran in. They cut the cord and wrapped Jonathan up. The OB doctor came in shortly after that. He finished up with me then asked if he could pray with us. I asked for my baby. He was so perfect. All 10.4 ounces, 8 1/2 inches of him. He looked just like Matthew, only much smaller. He had bushy blond eyebrows and a little blond moustache. So beautiful! I held him as they carried me up to labor and delivery. When we got there, we spent a few more minutes with him. They asked if they could take him to clean him up and dress him. I was shocked. We didn't have any clothes for him. They did though, which was such a blessing. Thank you Threads of Love for the clothes and blankets. We will treasure them always.

The OB doctor on call, a different Dr.B, was surprised I never did deliver the placenta. They had given my 2 shots after the delivery to make my uterus contract, they didn't work. The anesthesiologist came in to start an epidural because Dr. B was practically laying on top of me pressing on my abdomen. It hurt as bad as the contractions. So I got an epidural and he tried again to press on my abdomen. I could still feel it so I had more meds through my epidural. After trying several times, he decided I needed a D&C. Before I went back to the OR, Chris's mom came and got to hold Jonathan too. Chris told Matthew what had happened and Matthew sobbed. I was not with Chris when he told him. It breaks my heart I couldn't hold Matthew during that time and try to comfort him. We didn't let Matthew see Jonathan. We didn't think it would be good for him. We had just buried my grandmother 2 weeks ago and he had seen her. I didn't want him to have this memory too.

Dr.B told us the placenta was embedded in scar tissue that formed after my c section with Matthew. He gave us the the run down on the possibility of a hysterectomy if he could not control the bleeding. We told him to pray I didn't have to have that but to do whatever he needed to do. The procedure went smoothly. We held Jonathan again before they moved us to another room. Jonathan had such long hands and feet. The nurses even commented on how muscular he was. I held his hand, stroked his head. I held him as tight as I could. I didn't want to let him go. The nurse came back to take him away for the night. The rest of the night, I was in and out.

We were both up and moving by 5Am Thursday. My Dr.B came in Thursday morning. She was very remorseful and apologetic. The diagnosis of the events that occurred: placental abruption. It seems that the placenta never reattached like we all that it had. Dr. B apologized for giving us false hope. She thought we were in the clear too.

I'm exhausted writing and recalling all of this, so I will stop for now. There are still a few events I want to share and I will in the next day or so. It all just happened so fast. I still have so many questions. Why didn't the doctors stop the contractions? Why didn't they hook me up to a monitor? Why didn't I turn around and go back to the hospital when the pain got worse? Why is this happening to me, to us? Jonathan looked perfect, so what am I being saved from? What was he being saved from? I could question every detail of that day all day long, but all I'm doing is driving myself crazy. It wasn't meant to be.

When the complications started back in March, I was scared. My diagnosis when I left the ER was threatened miscarriage. I balled when I saw those two words in black and white. The ER doctor then told us the possiblilty of a D & C if the bleeding didn't stop. I came home from the ER that day and googled D & C. When I read the information, I prayed to God to please spare me from that procedure. To me, it sounded just like what an abortion would be like. This baby was wanted deeply, not just by us, but by family and friends. God answered my prayer then. He spared me from the procedure. He allowed me to carry my baby and deliver him, so that I would be able to see him whole. To hold him, smell him, kiss him. I praise God for that blessing!

Jonathan is with our Savior now. I should be happy. We all want the best for our children and Jonathan has the best. He is with THE BEST. I should be jealous. But, I am selfish. I am human. I still want my baby with me. I am not angry. I am confused. I am lost. I am broken.

I know I am a child of God. I know He loves me. I know He is holding me. I know He feels my pain and sorrow. I know He willingly gave His Son so that I can have eternal life. So that Jonathan can have eternal life. So that you can have eternal life. Can you believe He gave His Son WILLINGLY? Here I am whining about my son's death and God GAVE His Son. No questions asked. What an awesome God I serve!

I have moments where I feel His comforting wrapped around me and moments when I cry out to Him in pain. Hold me God! Give me peace. Give me guidance. Give me strength. Give me hope. Strengthen my faith. Help me to praise You. To give You all the glory You deserve. You gave me a son for 20 weeks, 4 days and for that I praise You. You are an awesome God!

Jeremiah 29:10-12 " I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I use to love this song and have just thought about it the past few days. I will try to upload it later, but here are the lyrics.

If You Want Me To- Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

Cuz when I cross over Jordan
Gonna sing, gonna shout,
Gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to You
And I will walk though the valley
If You want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley
If You want me to

More Answers

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L.C.

answers from Montgomery on

I am so sorry for your loss. I know that this is a very difficult place to be in. I suffered a miscarriage at 16 weeks in December of 2007. I found the book Free to Grieve by Maureen Rank helpful to me. It also talks about dealing with your childs grief. The pain doesn't go away, it just lessens a little even if you decide to have another child.

Be aware that you are not only grieving but also have a very good chance of developing post-partum depression. Call your ob for medication if you find youself crying all the time or being irritable or short with you son. I only took anti-depressives for about 6 months but it helped a lot.

When you want to answer the question of whether or not to try again the book Pregnancy after Loss by Carol Cirulli Lanham helps to explore those questions and concerns.

I'm praying for you.

L.

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B.T.

answers from Little Rock on

My heart goes out to you and your family. I think that losing a child must be just about the worst grief one can have. I can identify with efforts to have a child. I tried everything the doctors suggested and nothing worked with my infertility problem. Finally, my doctor said, "We have tried and failed; now, it is in God's hands."
God answered our prayers in a new-born baby boy who was put up for adoption. We have never regretted this move. He grew up to be a fine young, Christian man, and now I have three beautiful grandchildren. Keep the faith and good luck. Barb T.

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C.H.

answers from Birmingham on

Dear S.,
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I am heartbroken for you. I unfortunately know about this kind of loss. My husband and I lost our baby girl Emily on September 1, 2008. I carried her until 39 weeks, and 3 days before we were scheduled to have her we discovered that the chord had wrapped around her neck. I delivered her still born. So, I know your grief and sadness, and the feeling that your life is over after what has happened. I promise you though that you will smile again and you will enjoy life again. Although there are tough times to you come, they will become less. Jonathan will always be in your heart and on your mind. Little by little you will move through the sadness and pain with a little more ease.

Wrap your arms around your husband and your son every chance you get. They will get you through this terrible time.

God Bless You,
C. H.

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C.W.

answers from New Orleans on

Just keep living. The Lord puts no more on us than we can bear.I never lost a child but I know how it feels to lose one that seems like yours (nephew).Everyone goes through their own grieving process so go through yours but always keep God first.

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T.S.

answers from Montgomery on

I have the perfect thing for the family and even friends. If they don't have it anymore on their website www.rickandbubba.com then you can watch it on www.youtube.com Search for "Rick Burgess a fathers heart" but if you watch it on youtube you have 3 videos to watch.
Rick Burgess of the Rick and Bubba show lost his son in Jan of 08 his son was just short of 4yrs old. He did such a moving and inspirational eulogy at his son's memorial that it was shown on youtube and there were so many responses they made it into a FREE DVD that they gave away on their website listed above. It is such a moving comforting DVD that last yr for Fathers Day literally hundreds of churchs across the country used the DVD for their Fathers Day service

I hope this helps
Prayers and good thoughts

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P.S.

answers from Tulsa on

So so Sorry to hear about this. Try grief counseling, even with this it will help

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R.G.

answers from Tulsa on

S.,
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I like this verse: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
R.

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K.M.

answers from Montgomery on

Hi,
I would just like to say that I am truly sorry for your loss and i am praying that you will get through this. I can tell you it gets easier over time. I myself have not lost one that far along, but I have had 5 miscarriages and it is very hard with each loss. I have a 7 year old daughter and we have been trying to have another child going on 3 yrs now. Just take it one day at a time and you will get through this loss. At the time it may not seem like it and for me it got harder with each loss. Everytime I thought I could handle it, I broke down. You are not alone. I think anyone who has been through something similar have had the same feelings. It is very emotional but with family and friends and God, you will pull through this. Many thoughts and prayers.

K. M

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L.B.

answers from Fayetteville on

I think that, like many people, I feel intimidated to try to take this on, knowing that there's nothing I can say to take the pain away and not having grieved the death of a child, I feel foolish to speak from a place I haven't been.

But.

I do know what it is to love like only a mother can. And we all know the horror of the very thought of losing our little ones. You and your friend, S., have had to face the reality. I'm so, so, so sorry that anyone ever has to go through this.

I believe the soul goes on after this life, and I've heard stories of souls remaining to comfort and guide those whom they've left behind.

I read once, when dealing with the loss of my son to adoption, that a thought of love sent out into the Universe is never wasted. I am sure that if S. gives her baby all the love in her heart that she has for him, that love will be felt, will matter, will make the Universe a more beautiful place, and her son exists and knows he is loved. Same, too, with your son, Jonathan.

<HUG>

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M.L.

answers from Fayetteville on

Hi S.,
I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your son Jonathan.

I lost my second daughter when she was 7 months old. The pain never completely goes away, but you do heal. I am praying for you. Please let me know if there is anything specific you would like me to pray for, or if you want to talk, or if you have questions.

M.

W.Q.

answers from Tulsa on

My heart goes out to you and your family. Losing a child is a heart wrenching experience. Thirty years ago I too lost a son around 21 weeks. You are doing the right thing by reaching out for support. Time will help with the pain. What has helped me is to celebrate his life with Jesus on his birthday each year. The celebrations have gotten smaller but his memory is still with me. You and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers.

W. Q

L.C.

answers from Biloxi on

Please visit "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

I have volunteered for this organization for many years. They have a wonderful support system with many parents going through the same thing.

My thoughts and prayers are with you S..

L. C.
Photographer

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C.E.

answers from Jackson on

First off I am so sorry for both you and your friend. It is not going to be easy for her. Probaly not for a while. There is really nothing you can do except be there for her when she needs you but don't smother her. Look I am saying this because i know from experience. I lost my child in October and I'm still not over it nor will I ever be. When I say don't smother her I just mean make sure she still gets some "alone" time by herself. Believe me,she needs it more than anything right now. My family and friends all love me and I know it but they really made things so much harder for me even though I knew they just wanted to help. Your friend may need to talk to someone besides family and friends, maybe a professional. I did not think I needed to talk to anyone but I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. the doc said I should have never waited so long before talking to someone, I just let it all build up inside. I just did not know what to do I had never been through anything like this or hurt so BAD. Make a suggestion that she talk to someone. I hope everything works out for your friend. I truly do. God Bless.

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D.W.

answers from Lawton on

When I lost my baby, this thought kept me going. It may not provide comfort to your friend, but it did for me.

First off, I let myself mourn. It is a loss.

Secondly, my baby is now in God's care. For whatever reason the miscarriage happened, my baby had special needs. And now those needs are being met by God Himself.

Although I would of loved the opportunity to provide care for my baby, my baby is with the best caretaker there is. And one day, my baby and I will meet.

I still sometimes wonder how life would be had my child lived. But the fact is, there is no place better than heaven. Over time, the hurt will lessen and you will move on. For now though, mourn your loss, just don't lose your hope.

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L.R.

answers from Little Rock on

I lost my first child (son) almost 16 years ago. I'm here to tell ya, you can and will survive this. It takes a while to get to the place where you can talk about it without crying. Now I smile when I think of my son and what he'd be doing right now. My heart is calm and has healed, knowing that he is with my heavenly father. I read that you are a Christian woman. Allow your faith to heal you and your family. In whatever manner you choose to go through this process, make sure you do it with your husband and family. Many folks think it's only a loss that the mother feels and that's not true. Heal as a family and it will get better. May God bless you!

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M.F.

answers from Huntsville on

My heart goes out to you and your family. I have gone through this and do understand. Please know we all grieve for you and with you. Time will help - I know this sounds trite, but it does. Your love for your child will not cease, but the pain will ease. Sometimes you just have to yell about your loss and grief - I highly recommend taking a tennis racket and beating heck out of your bed mattress (when you are alone as you wouldn't wish to scare your older son or husband). This is an anger management technique that helped me in my loss. I have put you on 2 prayers lists and I hope that this will help. My heart goes out to you and my fervent wish that you feel the caring coming your way.

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