Other Moms with Similar Experience in Grieving

I don't have any advice, but it sounds like some moms have given you some. I think a support group would be nice for you.

All I can say is my heart is aching for you and I am sending you a hug so you can cry on my shoulder.

I have lost 5 now, much earlier on in my pregnancies. I find that some days are just blue. They come out of no where. I will be plugging along just great and then there is a blue day. My husband says that he never thinks about them, unless I bring them up. That is bizarre to me. One of them was a twin to our 19 month old. To me he is a constant reminder of just how different life could be. Everyone says it gets better. I still have not figured that one out. Better would be to have them all here with me. There are those that would say that is selfish of me because they are in a better place. I suppose they would be right, but that doesn't change how I feel. Life does go on, and aside from blue days you are happy again. I do know that some day I will get to hold them and I know that they know that I love them. I guess that to me one of the most important things to know is that it is ok to have a blue day. When you have a blue day just send me a note I will be here.

Hi S.,

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Unfortunately, I know exactly what you are going through. My husband and I lost our son when I was 24 weeks pregnant, in October 2004. Like your baby, he was stillborn. It was the hardest thing my husband and I have had to go through. I can remember when the Doctor found out he wasn't excreting fluids as he should, my husband and I would lay in bed at night crying and praying that we wouldn't lose our son. The pain doesn't ever go away, but becomes a little more manageable. I can remember still crying about it even after 6 months, wondering why I couldn't move on, and why my husband seemed to be dealing with it better than I was. I finally realized it was okay to cry about it (as I am right now), but I had to take one day at a time and take care of our daughter, who was 2 at the time. It is very hard to move on, because I bonded with him for 6 months, but I promise it gets a little easier, although, there is never a day that goes by that I don't think about him. I never got to see him, but we did have a burial for him. He is buried on my grandpa and grandma's grave in my hometown. We visit him every time we visit my parents. We did name him Dominic--an angel's name, because like you, we believe he's our little angel! I did get pregnant again with a second son a month after we lost Dominic. Although, I know he's not Dominic, having my son, Mathis, and my daughter helped a lot with the pain. I know that one day I will be in heaven and be able to meet Dominic. I also take great comfort in believing that Dominic is my daughter and son's guardian angel! There have been several close calls with both my daughter and son in which I think, "Wow, you have a great brother watching over you!" That belief gives me great comfort!

Just a thought on how to deal with the pain...I felt as if there was so much I wanted to say to Dominic that I'd never be able to say, so one day I sat down and wrote a poem to him that included everything I wanted him to know. I cried and cried (and still cry every time I read it) while I wrote it, but it did help me tell him how much we love him and how so very much he was wanted, but God needed him in heaven with Him. This helped me a lot.

Also, if you ever need to talk, please call me. You are in a club in which you really don't want to belong. Friends and family wish you well, but unless they've lost a child, too, it's hard for them to truly understand what you're going through. Please know it does get easier to deal with the pain, but you never forget. My number is ###-###-####. PLEASE call me if you need to talk.

With love and prayers,
Jacqueline

Hello S.,
Im so sorry to hear about your loss. I was pregnant with faternal twins and at 36 weeks (oct. 3,2007)i delivered two beautiful boys. Paul was 7lbs and alive and John was 6 lbs and was still born. I got very depressed and even till this day I still have dreams of him. Just remember GOD doesnt give us a cross we cant carry, and remember he only lets us borrow our children...even if it is for a short time. He has a plan we just have to let him do his will... These words really helped me cope with the loss our baby. Our other son Paul is a great miracle I thank GOD for.. If you wanna talk let me know

I am new on this site and just saw your post. We lost a little girl almost eight years ago. She was stillborn at 22 weeks. I remember my water breaking and going to the hospital thinking they would just put me on bed rest or something. I never in a million years expected them to tell me she had died.

The hardest thing for me was the insensitive things that people would say, thinking they were being helpful. Some of these things were down right cruel. If you are experiencing these "helpful words" please try to ignore them. People only say them to make themselves feel better because they don't know what to do. However, if someone hurts your feelings, there is nothing wrong with you speaking up and saying "I know you are trying to help, but right now, that is a hurtful thing to say to me."

We had another little girl a year after our little Rebecca died. I could not enjoy the pregnancy, partly due to many complications, and partly due to fear. But I have been so grateful for her. And yet, almost eight years later, there is not a day, or an hour, that goes by that I do not think of my child. The pain does improve, I promise you that. But even now, I will have a moment every now and then when I am just consumed with sadness for the baby I never knew. I think the only thing you can do is acknowledge the pain and sadness but don't let it take over your life.

It's good that you can lean on your husband. This was one of those times when my husband showed me what he was made of. He sat right there by that bed holding my hand while I hysterically gave birth (such a misleading phrase) to our stillborn baby. And he didn't run, he didn't hide, he was right there. During her funeral, he held my hand so tight. People thought we were so strong, but we had a death grip on each other to get through it. I don't visit her grave often because I carry it in my heart.

You will feel better, but you will never be the same person. I pray that you will find peace as time goes by. I don't think I really felt much peace until at least a year had passed. Something about that first anniversary (birthday seems like such the wrong word) felt like I had jumped a hurdle.

God Bless You and your husband

J. L.

S.,

My experience was not exactly like yours. I've dealt with many miscarriages (99 - 03) and an ectopic (98) that cost me part of my left tube.

The ectopic was the worst. I didn't sleep or eat right for a very long time. It was more than a year before I felt a bit normal again.

I started praying that I would be led out of the horrible darkness I was in....

Eventually, it became easier. I admit that I have not experienced any tearful days since the birth of my son - who is now almost 3.

It will get easier. It will never go away. I'll be thinking of you - and hope that you find peace with in your heart - as I'm sure your sweet Emily is doing the same!

I am really sorry for what you and your family has gone through. I have never experienced the same thing but I too had a premature baby (24 weeks) and she almost didnt make it 2 x's and I know how that felt and can only imangine your heartache. I hope your heart can heal a bit and contiue to grow stonger. I know I would cry all the time if I went through this and its more than ok to feel sad and let it out. I know there arent any words that I can say to make you instantly feel better or change your situtaion but I wanted to tell you that I am thinking of you and Im sure Emily is too!

S. - I want to first acknowledge that I cannot begin to imagine the loss and grief that you have experienced. My prayers will be with you and your family. I cannot be the support person you are seeking, but I do know where you can look.

There is a national organization, called SHARE, that is for parents who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. They offer support groups around the country -- and they even have one in ALLEN!! Their website is http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/index.shtml My husband is a professional counselor and has used some of their material in the past -- especialy their newsletters.

I hope you will be able to find some empathetic "friends."

Praying,
M.

I had to write. I am sorry for what has happened to you. I am also one of those crying while reading your post. I could never imagine what you are going through. That was my worst fear. I hope you can find some help on here to get you through. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.

S. -

I am terribly sorry to hear about your little Emily. http://www.mend.org can provide you with a great deal of support.

My best to you and your family.

C.

Hi S.. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter Emily. You are never prepared to lose a child. My husband and I lost our daughter Emma almost 4 years ago now. We were pregnant with identical twin girls and because of a very complicated pregnancy were forced to deliver 3 months early. Jillian survived but we lost Emma. I am okay for months at a time and then the reality of losing her hits me like a ton of bricks all over. Truly the best thing for me has been to talk whenever the need strikes me. Please feel free to email me and I will be happy to listen anytime.

J.

I had severe complications when I had my son. While I won't say "I understand", I will say that I understand your feelings of shock, anger, confusion, sadness,... I do understand the need to reach out and talk with someone with an experience similar to yours. Have you tried looking online for any groups? How about Yahoo groups? That's how I found the groups that I belong to. Good luck with everything!

S.,
I cried when I read your email. I have never experienced still birth or miscarriage, but I did battle infertility and always felt like perhaps God spared me from your pain. I don't have any advice to offer to you. My nephew (born when I was 6) and his wife went through this last May, and my heart just breaks for them and for you. I just prayed for peace for you, and that God will bring you someone with whom you can connect. I go to Stonebriar and used to be in a support group there called In His Time, for women going through all stages of infertililty and pregnancy loss. You may want to check into that for help. www.stonebriar.org

This website may also be of comfort to you: http://www.hannah.org/

Hugs to you,
A.

I have never lost a child, but I know in my heart that no matter what trials and tribulations I have been through, nothing could compare to that, so I grieve for you. I'm sorry I cannot offer any advise as a mom with a similar experience, but I did read these words of inspiration from author, Max Lucado and thought they might be helpful.

Facing Your Grief
by Max Lucado

“David sang this lament over Saul and his son Jonathan, and gave orders that everyone in Judah learn it by heart.” (II Samuel 1:17-18 MSG)

David called the nation to mourning. He rendered weeping a public policy. He refused to gloss over or soft-pedal death. He faced it, fought it, challenged it. But he didn’t deny it. As his son Solomon explained, “There is…a time to mourn” (Eccles. 3:1, 4 NIV).

Give yourself some. Face your grief with tears, time, and—one more—face your grief with truth. Paul urged the Thessalonians to grieve, but he didn’t want the Christians to “carry on over them like people who have nothing to look forward to, as if the grave were the last word.” (I Thess. 4:13 MSG).

God has the last word on death. And, if you listen, he will tell you the truth about your loved ones. They’ve been dismissed from the hospital called Earth. You and I still roam the halls, smell the medicines, and eat green beans and Jell-O off plastic trays. They, meanwhile, enjoy picnics, inhale springtime, and run through knee-high flowers. You miss them like crazy, but can you deny the truth? They have no pain, doubt, or struggle. They really are happier in heaven.
And won’t you see them soon? Life blisters by at mach speed. “You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man’s life is but a breath” (Ps. 39:5 NIV).

When you drop your kids off at school, do you weep as though you’ll never see them again? When you drop your spouse at the store and park the car, do you bid a final forever farewell? No. When you say, “I’ll see you soon,” you mean it. When you stand in the cemetery and stare down at the soft, freshly turned earth and promise, “I’ll see you soon,” you speak the truth. Reunion is a splinter of an eternal moment away.

So go ahead, face your grief. Give yourself time. Permit yourself tears. God understands. He knows the sorrow of a grave. He buried his son. But he also knows the joy of resurrection. And, by his power, you will too.

S.,

So Sorry to hear about your baby girl, I to lost my baby boy at 42 weeks from still born but it was almost 16 years ago but seems like yesterday, I think back on what he would be like how he would look. You never get over losing a child but the pain get alittle easier. I have been told all these years that i would have been harder to deal with if i would have held him after if he lived cause i would have gotten attached and gotten to know him this is where i differ with people i carried this child for 9 and a half months i got to know him so well inside. till this day i have not put a head stone on his grave i cant explain why i go up ther from time to time and make the arragements but can never finallize it i know where he is i am the only one who goes up there i tell myself that when he turns 15 i will put one well that has come to pass and still not one. I told myself the next year i will i need to close the chapter to the section of my passed, i have two great children now one 14 girl and one 13 boy both great children i tell myself everytime i look at my son i got a two fer one in one package he is a lovin caring child i thank god everyday for both of my babies. I wish you peace for healing if you need to talk please feel free my yahoo id is tg_mote.
T.

S.,

I have not experienced this but I wanted to take the time to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. My heart goes out to you and all the other Moms that have faced this and you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Sincerely,

E.

God knows exactly how you feel. When Jesus died the sky got dark, the earth shook, people became very afraid. This is what God himself felt. When Jesus was on earth and his friend Lazarus died, Jesus became troubled and began to cry. God and Jesus hate death. It was not God's purpose for humans to die. He wanted humans to live forever. Adam and Eve disobeyed and we all inhertited death, then what? God gave his only son as ransom. Why would God put himself through that? because he loves us. He did not think it was fair to have to be born and then die. Why would God have your child in heaven while you're on earth suffering? Would that be a loving God? Jesus death opened the door to a resurecction. All those who have lost loved ones will see them again, not in a celestial body but just as remembered. God will call their names and they will raise up and they will be reunited with their family. We do not know the date or time, but it will happen because God cannot lie, if so than nothing the bible says is true. It would not make sense for God to give his only son so that we could live forever on earth and yet send everyone to heaven or hell, than who would be the people that Jesus died for so that they could live forever on a Paradise earth? Does God remember our loved ones? Countless hairs on our head yet God knows the exact amount on each one of us. Trillions of stars in the sky, yet God knows each one of them by name. A small bird of no value to us humans, yet God knows when one falls to the ground. I too have lost loved ones, and I look forward to the day when I am able to hold them in my arms again.

Hello S.,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I went online and found this resource of websites and support groups for moms who've suffered a loss like you have. I hope one of them is helpful for you. Take care!

Hi S. - I am so very sorry for your loss!! I know this is an old post, but I just found it. My husband and I lost idential twin boys, Justin & Kyle, Sept. 2001, right before 9/11. It was devastating. I am so glad I came across this post so now I know I have people to talk to when I need it. People who have gone through this. I am so thankful for all of the posts so that we can all be there for each other when we need it. I am here for anyone who needs to talk or cry. I will pray for all of us!

T.
____@____.com

S., I'm so sorry for your loss. I had the same experience in June of 2003. My little baby girl Clara was stillborn at 36 weeks. You'll always be affected by this so don't expect yourself to not be affected especially since it's only been 6 months. Please allow yourself to grieve and be paitent with yourself. The MEND (Mommies Enduring Neo-natal Death) Organization has helped me alot. You can talk to me anytime. I'll pm you with my contact info PLEASE don't hesitate to contact me. This is a very difficult thing to go through.