Need Suggestions Please

Hi D. :-0

Hmmmmmmm... the first thing that struck me is the apparently drastic changes in this child's behavior.. it sounds as if there is some kind of crisis going on and a reaction to it. Since this mom and you have always been good friends, you should be able to speak with her, setting up a private time for the two of you to discuss what you are observing. You can let your daughter know that you are going to set up this time, so that she can occupy her friend's attention to give both parents some private time.

Hopefully during this time together you will be able to share your observations with your friend about her daughter's changes in behavior. You can represent your daughter, with her permission, in saying that she is feeling uncomfortable because of how their relationship has changed and is not mutually supportive anymore. At this point, the hope is that this will open the door for further discussion with your friend who may well be aware of a single or multiple crisis that have occurred.

As a single parent, the mom may not be aware of any crises or may not be so aware of these changes in behavior. Sometime when children reach out for help and can't find it, they resort to "self medication" to find solutions. This self medication can take on many forms. Extreme acting out can be one of them, you just never know what is going on at home.

Be as open and as supportive as you can be, but remember that your primary concern is yourself and your family/daughter. Your daughter is not comfortable with this young friend anymore and so you need to think of her and your family first on how best to meet those needs, and then your friend and her daughter, second.

Blessings on your journey!
hugs,
A. R.N., Energy Medicine Practitioner

It sounds like something might be wrong with your friend's daughter. My first thought was drugs? The hyperactivity and drop in grades could be due to something like that.

The way I'd approach it is to say you've noticed so-and-so's behavior has changed lately and ask if something is going on where you might be able to help.

The girls have been friends for a long time...This is hard.

Her mother trusts you with her daughter, she's likely to trust your mothering instincts too. Invite them for a meal and let THEM BOTH know that you want to talk to them about changes in her behavior when they get there. Point out the hyperactivity, relate the things from school like slipping grades, the mean comments, the over-interest in boys, and finally your daughter's discomfort. Put your heads together and give mom some time to tell about what she has noticed too. Have the girl tell how she feels and what she's thinking about everything and your daughter. Let your daughter express her discomfort as well. Communication communication! Express the warm feelings you've all had for each other for all these years. Let them know that as it stands right now, your daughter wants to pull back. Nothing stays the same, but changes don't necessarily have to be negative...If there is as much affection between them as there as been in the past, maybe it will be a wake up call. I urge you to openly talk it out together.
[hugs] and let us know what happens.

I would really talk to the Mom.
Express your observations... and that you need to limit your daughter's interactions with her... and that it is having a negative impact on your Daughter.. and affecting her.... "well-being".... and that as her Mom.... you need to do what is appropriate for her.
Tell the Mom everything... nicely, about her daughter's behavior.

Per your description of the girl... it seems like drugs... or substance related behavior.

Who knows... what the back-story is, of this girl. No sense guessing. It could be ANYTHING.

Next: whether or not this girl is having issues at school.... then the Teacher/School... needs to address it.... or have a Counselor for her etc.
But that is not your call.

If that were me... I WOULD discuss it with the Mom.... in a heart to heart way... but also express, that my Daughter's "well-being" is being affected by it.... in a bad way... and I "worry" about my own Daughter... and must, intervene for her. I would explain my observations to the Mom, in detail... including the 'mean' things done to my child... and the fixation on boys etc. Maybe the Mom does NOT even know these things... about her own daughter. So, if it were me... I WOULD want to know... these things. I would... consider it a 'good thing'... that you told me.... because... it is... a concern and "red-flag" about that girl.

AND the BOTTOM-line is: Your Daughter is expressing that she WANTS TO... 'distance herself' from that girl. It is GOOD, your Daughter is telling you things. Keep encouraging it.
So... yes, I would... have a talk with the Mom.
I would... support my Daughter. I would, talk to the Mom. I would.... not 'force' my Daughter to keep being 'friends' with someone... she does not want to be friends with.... and does not feel comfortable being around. It is GOOD... your daughter IS listening to her "gut instinct."
I would not expect... my own Daughter to be another child's 'social worker" or default... "friend"... just out of guilt. Something is amiss with this girl... your Daughter feels uncomfortable with it.... and has expressed her 'worries' about this friendship. She has.... outgrown it and she is maturing... differently... not in the same vein as this girl. NOTHING is wrong with that.

all the best,
Susan

It sounds like something more is going on in that girl's life. Does she have any contact with her dad? Maybe she is feeling the great need for her father, and is struggling in that context. She is also going through puberty, to be sure, which makes everyone crazy for a time. Perhaps she just needs some counsel. Is her mom spending the much needed time with her, or does she work long hours everyday? I remember that my mom seldom had the energy during the week to be there for me in an emotional way. She wanted to, I know, and she probably doesn't even realize that I needed or wanted it, but I did. It is hard to be both a full-time employee and meet the individual needs of your children. It's exhausting. And, to have the burden of everything all on her shoulders must be incredibly tough! Perhaps you could gently talk to the mom and let her know that you noticed her daughter seems to be struggling both in school and socially (hyper, great interest in boys, etc.). I would do that first and see if things get better before cutting her off. Perhaps your daughter can be a true friend even though it is uncomfortable for her. Friends are loyal, even when things get a bit crazy. It sounds like your daughter has a good head on her shoulders. I would encourage her to talk to you even more about what all is going on. Give her advice about how to encourage her friend to make good decisions. Best wishes as you navigate these difficult waters.

I think the girls should handle it between themselves. Decline a few offers of lunches, movies, etc. Support your daughter and make sure she knows that just b/c her friend is letting her grades slide, it's OK for her to aim high and achieve!

I agree with most of the moms that the behavior is likely caused by a change in the girl's life. I had a friend who did a similar thing with boys. She became obsessed long before any of the other girls even noticed boys existed. Her grades went down and she was very hyper, compulsive, and wouldn't stop talking. It turned out that the girl actually had a thyroid problem. Her mom ignored all of these signs that something was wrong. It wasn't until she went for the required physical she needed to enter Jr High that the doctors realized there was a problem. After some blood tests they were able to pinpoint the hormone problem and treat it. I agree with the moms who said if it were there daughter I'd want to know. It's so hard parenting girls because they keep so many things a mystery. Her mom may have no clue that her daughter even needs her. This is also the type of behavior children exhibit when they are or have been abused. Is it possible that someone, friend or family member, that may be mistreating her? I would't expect the mom but there may be another person in her life that is up to no good. I think this girl needs help and if you can....help her. If not you are obligated to protect your own daughter. I think I might start with her teacher. Let her know you'd like to talk to her mom about it and wondered if the teacher has any input. I'd then go to mom as a friend who really does have her daughters best interest in mind. I'll bet she's already got some idea that things aren't going right for her daughter and you may be the support she needs to feel confident helping her daughter.

I'm with a lot of the other moms -- my first thought is drugs/alcohol; other possibilities are a bipolar disorder; possibly a hormone disorder due to puberty. I would gently talk to the mom and express your concerns, citing the changes in behavior you have observed. It sounds like the friend needs a thorough physical (at the minimum) Her behavior changes don't sound "normal teenager" to me. As far as the relationship between the girls, that's something they will have to work out on thier own.

is the friend having problems at home, a new guy in the picture that has been introduced to her that she doesn't accept or feel that she's being treated fairly, with possibly maybe other kids involved? mom and dad problems? resentment towards someone?

usually when a child or teen acts up unordinarly it's a sign that "something is not right somewhere"

i wouldn't necessarily start the convo with mom about "we need to distance ourselve's" but more along the lines of "'i'm concerned because friend did this, and acted this way, and totally not normal for her and now failing tests and becoming more and more attracted to boys" is there something you want to talk about (depending on how close you are with her mom).

right after my husband left his ex wife, my oldest step daughter (both really but mainly the oldest) who was just starting puperty did the same things, acted out, doing poor in school, because mom and dad were going through a divorce. We all put our heads together, (mom her new husband, my husband and me) and got her through it all, and now all of our kids are a and b students and doing surprisingly well.

from what i get from your information, she's crying out for help, she and your daughter are close and have been for a very long time, so if something in her life is becoming a problem, best friends house is the place to be, where she's secure, comfortable and happy place to be for her

It sounds like more than just growing apart is going on here. You may want to sit down with the Mom and tell her that you've become a bit concerned as your DD's friend seems to be going through some changes (dropping grades, hyper, comments made to DD) and that you want to be supportive to both.
Do the girls have any activities outside of school that they can participate in to give them both a chance to make more friends? This may help provide more support for both too.

I haven't read any of the answers, but the first thing that came to my mind when I started reading your question was that the girl sounds like she's on drugs. Have you watched that movie 13? It will strike fear in your heart, but is something every parent should watch - with their teenager.

Has the your daughter's friend gone through anything lately that could cause this behavioral change? Are you sure she doesn't have any other friends - even the bad influence kind? You say she's really into boys right now - she may be trying to fit into the 'in' crowd and has started to experiment with drugs/alcohol, etc.

Sorry, it just sounds like classic signs of drug/alcohol use. I hope I'm wrong.

It's a touchy situation, but if you are as close to the Mom as you say, then you should be able to have a heart to heart with her about your concerns. At the end of the conversation, you could talk about how her behavioral changes have cause the two girls to grow apart and while it makes you sad, it's just the way life goes.

something like that.

good luck.

WOW..That is a tuff one to communicate, I am not sure how I would handle that one. I will wait to see what the other mama's will say.

Definitely talk to her mom & then ask her mom to take her to the doctor to be tested to rule out any medical causes--including ADD. SOMETHING is happening with this girl, & even though you are not her blood "family"--you are her "chosen" family. Yes, the girls may grow apart, because interests change, etc, but they can still work out a friendly relationship. And you can still be supportive of this girl as she goes through this hard time.

Also, it's not unusual for a student who has had NO trouble at all in the lower grades to start to tank in middle & high school, simply because the structure of classes & requirements of the school work are harder & the student needs to learn a new way of handling classwork, projects, etc. Maybe the "meanness" is because she just doen't understand why she isn't "getting it" like she used too? Not being able to pull the grades the way you used to & not really knowing how to change that, well, that would be a BIG stressor!!

Lots of girls go boy crazy at this age, just keep reminding you daughter & her friend that boys come & go....your girl friends can be forever! Good Luck.

They sound like typical teens to me. They will start changing - hormones are racing thru their veins! As far as school goes, she could have just hit her wall. All smart kids find school and testing easy, until one day when it suddenly gets hard for them. For my oldest it was her freshman year in college. For my son, his sophomore year in high school. It's possible she's hit that point where she needs to WORK for that grade and it doesn't come so easy. You might want to have a friendly chat with the mom about offering her more support and encouragement.
Also, keep in mind, as kids grow their interests change and their personalities develop more and they may not WANT to be friends anymore. That's okay. My daughter had a BEST friend all the way from kindergarten. But, when they got to about 8th grade they started growing apart. I was kinda sad because I thought it would be cool if they were friends all the way thru school. But by the time they graduated my daughter had total disdain and lack of respect for this other girl and I was quite glad my daughter was not hanging out with this "slutty party girl"! LOL