Teenage relationships......when It Goes All wrong...help!

If you had been dating someone for 2 years and broke up you would be devastated as an adult, so imagine how it feels to this teen. Just keep being there for her.

It sounds to me like he may have given her an ultimatum to have sex with him or he doesn't want to be with her anymore. That's the stick. Then the carrot is showering her with gifts.

I'd ask the guidance counselor at school for her recommendation for a teen counselor she can open up to - a woman. And a young one at that.

Good luck!
Dawn

To me, this is like when my husband is sick. If he does not want to go to the doctor, i do not want to hear the moaning and groaning.. BUt, if he will go to the doctor and confirm there is a problem, I am willing to help him get better.

Here is the deal, If she does not want to talk with you fine, but she has to change her attitude, because you will not put up with this.

If she will share the problem, you may not be able to /or she may not want you to solve the problem, but let her know you will at lease have a reason to understand her problem.

It is like whining.. I do not hear drama.. Talk and deal with it, Or keep it to yourself and quit making everyone else miserable..
This is your chance to teach her how to behave during these situations.. Better now than when she leaves for college and drives everyone else nuts with her drama.

I would tell her that I understand that this is her relationship, but you are her mother and you are concerned. If something happened there that is causing her this much distress, then she should either speak to you about it or a counselor at school. Teens do sometimes get in over their heads but for her to be distraught about it for days makes me wonder. And it is possible that she's already slept with him and if you didn't know that, or would not approve, she may fear your reaction. You may need to gently say that whatever it is, you still love her, but you are very worried and you cannot help her if she won't tell you what's going on. And then mean it and keep any initial anger on low sizzle and focus on helping her. She's obviously heartbroken about something.

ETA: In my experience, when the sks broke up with a BF/GF, it was not 3 days of not wanting to talk about it. A simple "we broke up" usually came out, even if they didn't give us the gorey details. I think it is more than they broke up because she won't tell you anything. There would be no reason to hide a breakup and her wording doesn't sound to me like they did. It's something else.

A broken heart in a teen is horrible. They feel the hurt so much and sometimes it feels their whole life is on the rocks. What I did for my daughters first broken heart was just be around IF she needed me. We got a lot of manicures and pedicures at that time. I asked her to a lot more with me in case she wanted to talk. It worked for us.... she will talk to you when she is ready.

I was just having a discussion about "dating" when it comes to teens.
My friend has a 12 yr old daughter who is in class w/ many 13 yr olds. The 13 yr olds are crazy over boys. Luckily, her daughter is not. My friend looked at her daughter and told her that she will not be involved with boys unless a group of them go to a dance...And no boyfriends until age 16 or after.

Why was she dating 2 yrs ago? This sets up a teen to become broken hearted since relationships don't last too long at that age. Two yrs was a long time to "date."

Have her go to counseling. She might not want to go to a school counselor. She might not want to cry it out at school. Maybe she should go after school.

It sounds like he broke up w/ her. A boy usually doesn't want to saty w/ a girl for yrs and yrs at that age. If that is the case, she will probably cry for a few weeks. With all this technology---you might be able to check what they are writing back and forth so you aren't missing anything that might be crucial over the next few days.

In my opinion, 14 yrs old was too young to have a serious boyfriend.

What AV said. She is either distraught about what she has already shared with him or he is trying to push her or God Forbid, forced her. I would have to know. Find the crisis counselor at her hs and see if she would relate.

Wow, sounds like me at that age. Then I played Phil Collins' songs "One More Night" over and over and over and over in my bedroom nonstop for a month. Honestly, the only thing you CAN do is let your daughter know that you are open and ready when she's ready to to talk to you, if ever. You can't force it, right? You can let her know that it's not acceptable for the sourness to pervade the entire family unit, though. There are limits and no matter what we're going through personally, we still need to treat our loved ones with kindness and respect.

Other than that .... ah, young love. A mix of sunny AND stormy years. Hang in there!

If they broke up, yeah she's going to be upset.
Give her some space, but - try to treat her as normally as possible.
She can't let her grades or chores slide.
Many women deal with upset by cleaning the heck out of something.
Suggest to her that while you don't know what is upsetting her, some good hard physical labor can often help a person work through some strong emotions.
Since she won't tell you, then when it comes time for a family gathering or something what's his face would normally be invited to - ask if he's coming.
You don't KNOW if they broke up - you merely suspect.
Her answer might tell you a lot.

My son is not allowed to date till he's 16.
He sees the drama some of his friends go through and he's like "You do this for fun?".
I have shared my philosophy on dating since he turned 12.
Dating is the long process by which you find out what you like and what you don't like and you play the field and date many many people at first.
You gradually narrow the field.
No exclusive relationships till maybe late high school or early college.
Eventually you go steady when you find someone you want to keep in your life long term (and it must be mutual) as you get your careers in order and begin working.
By mid 20's engagement and marriage might be a possibility.

It is a rare rare thing to meet your true love/soul mate early on.
Most often there are several boyfriends/girlfriends along the way that you have dumped or they have dumped you.
After she get's over her hurt/rejection/rebound period - she's free to play a wide field and have fun with lot's of friends and eventually she'll come to realize that breaking up with this rude dude was for the best in the long run.

which is why 14 year old girls should not be dating-by 16 , it's over and they are not mature enough to handle the situation. Difficult enough to start out at 22 or so and have it not work. I can't imagine a 16 year old guy forging a relationship with a girl that is going to last a lifetime. It is entirely unrealistic. Could she possibly think that no other person will ever come into her life?

My first thought is that they probably broke up, and I remember how intense that teenage love is. Trust me, I though I would die when my first serious relationship ended (two year relationship, ended when I was 18). It will take time for her to heal...less time than you think. Please give her that!! :) She'll be okay, I promise. She may feel like the world has ended, which is what is sparking her behavior.

Seems like I'm in the minority but I'd have a hard time being patient and letting my daughter decide when/if she tells me what's wrong. I'd have red flags going up too, and I'd want to know what's up. I'd sit down with her and let her know that you are her mother, you love her, you are concerned, and you NEED to know that she is OK and that nothing bad has happened here. I could be wrong... I don't have teenagers... but my gut tells me you need to know what happened.

They may have broken up; he may have told her he wasn't interested in hearing what she had to say; he could have told her he's starting to like someone else; he may have told her that he's starting to get into drugs/alcohol and that upset her. There are so many things it could be.

All you can do is to be there for her; don't try to push her, but try to empathize with her.

I would be feeling the same way you are if that happened to me. I know that when I was a teenager, everything felt so much more intense, and things were very dramatic. I know that coming home and crying and then continuing on for the past days isn't a signal that they broke up. It could mean a variety of things.

I would try to talk to her. Approaching her in a sensitive manner, and not right off the bat ask her questions is probably the best way. As a parent you have a right to be concerned, and know what is going on. It's worrysome not to. It's worse when they don't communicate, either.

If she won't talk to you, then she needs to talk to someone about it. I would tell her that you don't want to push it out of her, but you would appreciate some reassurance, as well as an understanding of what has happened that has her so upset. That if she doesn't feel comfortable talking about it, that maybe you and her can do something together to help clear her mind a bit.

If nothing seems to help at that point, then I would have her talk to another adult she feels comfortable with, or a counselor. Especially if it continues for a longer period of time.

Yes. Most advice given here is good. I have a 17 year old daughter who has been in and out of puppy love relationships since 13 but now she is dating this new guy for almost 2 years and they are constantly breaking up and making up and I can hear her crying all night and she would wake up crying and I just let her know that I am there for her when she is ready to talk about whatever it is she is going thru and eventually they come around. Just let her know you are there whenever she is ready.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!

I'm not there yet, but I know that teens are hard.......... The more you pry, the more they want to hide. And- the second you disapprove or forbid of something (or someone), the more she wants to rush into their arms.......

The boyfriend's behavior reminds me of one of my sister's exes that would be perfect for part of the year and then around the holidays he would turn into a completely different person (withdrawn, moody, and depressed.) He would completely disappear until about May.......... then the old him returned. It turned out he had seasonal affective disorder........ My sister finally had to choose not to be with him because she didn't want to dread the holidays for the rest of her life. [Of course, she would have gotten rid of him a lot faster IF my mother didn't continually express her disapproval......... the more my Mom disapproved, the more she held on out of rebellion.]

My mother always got her information about my sister from me.... Perhaps your daughter has a confidante that can get the story out of her.......

Good luck!