Should We Allow Our 15 Y/o Daughter to Hand Out with a Group of Boys?

welcome back!! You've been gone a few years!

As long as there is adult supervision? I would. I would get to know the parents as well. I'd even offer up MY home as a place for them to come and hang out.

Give her some room and trust.
I'm that girl, too. To this day, at 39, I prefer to hang out with guys. The drama and catty-ness of women just exhausts me. I'm missing that chip completely and always have been.

I've always been that girl that's hung with guys. And it taught me a lot about how to be a balanced and strong woman that can navigate the world logically, and to manage my emotions...since most guys don't get that stuff. It also gave me a good perspective on sex, which I know is a concern you have. The more she hangs out with them, they more she'll understand their mindset and real interests.
Basically...this will give her a lot of a balance she won't get with girlfriends at that age. Let her be herself.

I would be fine with it.

That said, I really hate when people pile on the "girls are too much drama, I prefer the company of guys" train (nott directed at you A., but to some responders). Let's all agree to stop that, OK? The last thing women need to do is perpetuate negative stereotypes about our own gender. If there is "drama" and "cattiness" in a group, it's the people who are the problem, not their gender. The majority of girls and women out there can interact with each other in ways that are genuine, positive, nurturing and supportive, There are pot-stirrers and drama-creators among boys as well, believe me - I have three sons and I see this among their friends as well. I'm not saying that there aren't general differences between friendships among women/girls and men/boys - there are - but let's not be so quick to cast those differences in a negative light.

Instead of focusing on the idea that "friendships with boys are better than those with girls" let's teach our kids to value both genders. If there is friendship among girls that's going sour, find a new group of friends, be they girls, boys, or a mix. We need to encourage our daughters to trust and respect their female peers and value the unique bonds that can come from friendships with other girls as well as to be open to and welcome the different dynamic that friendships with boys offer too. I guess what I'm saying is that we can value mixed-gender friendships without feeding into negative stereotypes about our own gender.

I think that at 15, she should be hanging out at homes where parents are present - boys or girls. That can be your rule. Parents home - ok, you can hang out.

My 16 yo is a tom boy and most of her friends have always been boys over girls. She just has more in common with them. I would be ok with her going as long as the parents were home at the time. I would also like to speak to the parent to make sure they agreed that they were not in rooms with the door closed or any other situation that may be a problem. Good luck.

I understand your concern.

I was the same at that age. I had found myself drifting from my girl groups because there was always drama. I had a girl best friend or two, and then I had a group of guy friends we would hang out with.

I would say parents of boys may not be quite as vigilant at supervision as parents of girls. That was just my personal experience. Because there were never parents around when we'd go to the boys' homes. Or they'd be upstairs. At my house, there were rules (had to stay in den) and my mom was was aware of what was going on at all times. Nothing ever happened with me and the guy friends - but even so, I like Wild Woman's advice - have them go to your house and see how it goes. Start there.

You may trust your daughter but it's the boys you want to get to know better. They are likely fine boys. But your comfort level would likely go up if you could oversee it all for a bit.

I would also want to know the parents. But I agree with JBs statements. One of my girls has a best friend that is a boy, has several other friends she hangs out with more that are boys. While the drama might be different and maybe easier to handle, it is still there. And unfortunately, hanging with boys can cause drama from other girls. It is a vicious cycle sometimes. I would suggest maybe hanging at your house first to see how they interact and then go from there.

I'd make sure the host parents are ok with it.

That said, I would also encourage your daughter not to stereotype girls. If she says anything about girls and drama, please point out that while some girls/women like drama, not all of them do (and there are plenty of boys and men in the world who like drama too). If her previous group of female friends had a lot of drama, perhaps she needs to find a different group of girls to be friends with. I'm 100% sure that there are other girls in her school who don't want to be involved in drama. Encourage her to make friends based on personality and values, not looks, gender, or other superficial qualities.

Furthermore, there are ways to interact with people (both sexes) that stirs up drama, and there are ways to interact with people that tones down drama (for example pointing out to others that you don't want to participate in gossip, as in "I don't think we should talk about Pat when he's not here. But hey, I thought that American Lit test today was really hard. What did you think?"). Learning how to do this is a great skill for her to develop. She should try it.

That was me and it was fine. I would be fine with it. As long as you are raising your daughter correctly and she knows right from wrong, I see no problem.

Thank you JB for your wise statement about how women stereotype themselves...I hope you opened some eyes!

Why not teach your daughter how to navigate female relationships?
They are very different and separate then male relationships.

And the reality is..she will have to build female relationships sometime in life.

So meet the boys, meet the parents, let her decide her friends, but help her learn about female relationships.

I have learned a lot from the book "Queen Bees and the Wannabees".

Ditto to JB and Itsacrazylife's posts. Teen boy groups can have drama, teen girl groups can have drama; it's just a question of the particular combinations of particular people--and the expectations which everyone brings to the table.

That said, I think you will want to have conversations with the parents of any boy whose house she will hang out in. Find out what house rules they have and state any requests for the times when your daughter will be there. Even buddies can slip into sexual curiosity, so I think it is wise to make sure that the rules you wold apply at your house to prevent that (I assume) will be applied at their houses.

Trust her! My daughter had all guy friends all the way thru school. Did not want to deal with the drama. Never an issue. They were all great guys.

It worked well for me!
Most of my friends were boys - I always got along with boys (and men) much better than girls (and women).
It really helped me when I was a programmer in a male dominated industry.
I don't think it's always stereo typing - there are a LOT of drama magnet girls out there - and I couldn't stand hanging out with them.
Guys are easier for me.
I WAS one of 'the guys'.
The first time they saw me in a skirt they hardly recognized me.
Your daughter is fine.

Almost all of my best long term friend relationships have been with guys. I have had a few dear best friends that are women but over all I prefer being with my guy friends.

You need to have them over at your house. Doors open, not upstairs. Sex creeps into the picture, and all of a sudden things change. One of the buds might end up a boyfriend, which in and of itself is okay. But you don't want a boyfriend at your house unsupervised.

I agree with Margie G....parents of boys usually aren't as vigilant as parents of girls so I'd be a little concerned for that reason. I was that girl too...enjoyed hanging with boys instead of girls but this is a different day and age. Offer your home and get to know them all better. Make sure there is adult supervision as well.

I could have written this post myself! I have a 15yo daughter whose friends are mostly boys. I also think they are great, and have no problems with them. That said, it just feels weird! I totally think it depends on the situation. She has met up at Starbucks or bowling or whatever, no problem at all. But hanging out in one of the boy's homes? I don't like it. It's tricky because DD will complain that we say we trust her and she hasn't done anything wrong, but we aren't trusting her. And we always say we don't worry about what other people think, but I do wonder what people think of us letting her over there! It's tough!

I think case by case is best. I also have the following in place:

-I try to speak at some point with the boy's parents, hopefully face to face, and just explain that I love their kid and have no real concerns, but need to know how much supervision they provide when kids are over. Usually just chalk it up to me being overprotective. They have all been super understanding. If someone takes offense or I got a bad feeling, I would not allow that outing. I think one time I didn't like the situation and asked DD not to go. Otherwise for short 'hang outs' with supervision, it's been ok. I also follow up and ask her how many times mom or dad popped in. Let's you know if they are true to their word. I LOVE when there are younger siblings that run around the house- they interfere with nonsense and reports things to parents. :-)

-I tell DD that even though I love her friends, there are red flags to look for. Obviously drugs/alcohol, that whole conversation. And that's with all friends, so not just saying only boys do that. But I also say that if conversations start drifting toward sex or body parts or pictures/videos they've seen and (God forbid!!) want to look at again, that is NOT ok and she needs to text me. I don't think kids set out to do these things, but it's a slippery slope, I just want her to know that things can change quickly, even with good kids.

-I also try to arrange a lot of things at our house, or in public places. It's just easier that way. It also lets you really get to know the boys (especially if you eavesdrop!) so you'll know if you are right to trust them or if you should worry. The more I've done this the more comfortable I feel.

It's such a hard thing! You trust your kid and her friends, but you don't want to be naïve. I get it. Just asking this question makes me think your DD will be just fine- you will find a healthy balance and perspective. You're not being overly strict, but you're not just turning a blind eye either. Good luck!