hello mamas
i have dated my husband since for over 13 years and been married 7. long story short....i would break up and get back together with him all the time before we got married. we had just broken up (for what i believed to be the last time since i rented an apartment an hour away to go away to school) when i got pregnant. why we had sex that 1 time, i'm still not sure. regardless, i hated the idea of baby mama/daddy, i wanted a family that i never had growing up. so, i wanted to be back with him, he accepted. we married when our son was a year old basically because we were living together and i didn't have my sons last name, i didn't have medical insurance, and i didn't want to just be a family without being married. i also felt it was what i 'should' do, do the right thing, you know. none of my reasons for getting married involved my husband personally, i realize now. my husband is a good guy, doesn't cheat, stays home a lot, family man. but he's not the most pleasant person in the world, he's pretty negative and insecure. anyway, i have been unhappy and thinking i made a mistake since 6 months into the marriage. we have split up a couple times into the marriage also. i keep coming back because i feel guilty taking my child away from his dad, also i get lonely by myself. i don't have a relationship with my family, so his family is really my only family. he keeps taking me back. well, needless to say, i am still unhappy. i don't have a desire for him, i cant even hardly tell him i love him, because its not true. i love him as a person/friend, but not romantically love. he always says how he loves me so much, but i don't feel the same. also, i am a christian, so i know that i'm not supposed to divorce. and i wish with all my heart that i didn't feel this way and we could all just be happy, but i want to leave for the last time (I hope) just so down, confused, sad, and feeling tremendously guilty for having these feelings. any advice would be appreciated truly. thank you.
***************UPDATE*********************
Thanks to all of you for your insight, I am reading and re-reading over all your posts. To all the counseling comments: I should have said that I have been in therapy myself and we did go to counseling together at our church. Neither helped me too much in the long run. I would say I am slightly depressed, BUT I try to be happy. I hate being in a bad mood even when I feel like my situation sucks. I also have ADHD and I don't know how much that contributes to my situation. There are so many more details, of course, but I tried to be as general as I could without writing my full autobiography on here lol. Thanks again mamas!
If all of what you posted is true, i think you should seek counsel, perhaps through your church. Not with him, not for him, for yourself. It sounds like there is some underlying issue or perhaps there isnt anymore drama, or back and forth like you were dating that doesnt seem to 'spice' up the relationship anymore...just a thought since i've been there before. Start with yourself first and see what you discover.
LIke everyone here said..you should go to a counselor BUT I'm here to tell you that a counselor isn't going to make you "feel love" for him. That decision has to come from you. I, too, was once like you. Was scared to leave because of my daughter, scared to be on my own. My previous marriage is quite different from yours..he wasn't good to me (cheated, etc) but he wasn't all that bad either (wasn't abusive)...but I wasn't happy with just so-so and getting by. I asked myself this question, "Do I really want to be here for another 10-20 years?" Turns out, I didn't. We divorced after 8 years of marriage.
I then met a wonderful man who I am now married to for 13 years. He has raised my daughter (she was 5 years old when I married him) and loved her like his own. For me..I made the right choice for myself.
Good luck
If you have a man that loves you and is willing to work on keeping your family together, PLEASE go for Marriage Counselling! The "in love" feeling - the whole butterflies in the stomach etc. etc. ALWAYS goes away after a while and matures to loving each other without the original "high". I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. I come from a broken, dysfunctional family, but I swore that NO MATTER WHAT, I'd fight for my marriage. Everybody goes through difficult times, but it sounds like you have a good man and a child that will benefit from living with both parents. If you are confused, down, sad and feeling guilty - you're not ready to walk away! Find out what is really causing you to want to run. Go to therapy. Only once you are SURE that leaving this man is the best thing to do, and you are willing to move on WITH NO REGRETS, then start divorce proceedings. But before you do that, you owe it to the father of your child to try everything in your power to make it work! I nearly broke up my family too and am forever grateful that I didn't ! My husband is a wonderful man and father and I can't imagine my life without him now - but it wasn't always like that. We needed counselling, we needed to heal our own childhood "baggage", we needed to learn to communicate better. PLEASE don't leave just because you don't think you're good enough for him!
Regardless of what you do about your marriage, YOU need to see a counselor-seems like you have a lot of issues from your past that are affecting you and the way that you handle your life.
Hey Jamm,
You need more then some advice from us, you need some real help Sista!
Since you've got health insurance now, I strongly suggest you find a therapist you like and get busy on yourself. Your post sounds very detatched and very isolated, it will be a great relief to you to have someone to work things through with.
Your child and your 'good guy' deserve a better life which starts with MOM, as all things do. And before you can decide what's best for them, you need help deciding what's best for Mama!
(To be honest, I spent a good half hour hammering you, then erased it, sigh)
I'd have to ultimately agree with previous posters who suggest you sort through the rubble before leaving for the last time.
Anyway what you need is someone on your side, not someone hammering you, so I REALLY hope you'll go talk to someone. Today, make the call, really.
Meanwhile, love that baby like crazy.
Good Luck and positive vibes! :)
You aren't unhappy with your husband you are unhappy with you. Start making little changes in your own life to love yourself and you might begin to see him in a totally different light. Since he's not going anywhere, why not start reconnecting with people from YOUR past. Meet new people. Go to school. Take a hot bath. But salsa records and dance together. Go the library, read new books. Anyone in a marriage of any duration (except for me I am still madly in love) most people do start to feel love instead of this ohmygosh i am in love feeling. It does settle. And as far as the guilt goes, that is somewhat of a choice. New beginning doesn't have to mean leaving the man.
Have you tried counseling either for you or as a couple? It sounds like you aren't happy with or without him so I wonder if you aren't happy with yourself. In which case, I don't imagine you can be happy with anyone else.
Taking care of yourself is what is best for you and your child. Until you do that, you can't begin to make good decisions regarding your marriage. You said yourself that you have a good man, hang in there while you try to get yourself straight. Then work on your marriage.
Based upon your answer (and only your answer) it seems as though you prefer to be in a relationship with him to keep you from being lonely, for the good of your child and so you can have insurance. I am sure there are other factors here that have not been divulged as relationships tend to be more complicated. Try to think back to why you started dating in the first place to determine what has changed in yourself (as you cannot control any change that happens with your hubby). You obviously have the noble intention of keeping a good father around for your child but lack the desire to be romantically involved with him. If he is the good man you say he is then try to get to know him all over again, why is he good; why does he love you regardless of what you have done and you might find the desire you lack or lost. I also highly recommend counseling for yourself as he is happy to be with you. I just get the feeling there is more to the story here than you want to share (and that's fine, its your business).
I also urge you to get started with counseling. You sound very unhappy both when you're with him and whey you're separated. No wonder you don't know what to do. Get to know yourself as a person separate from him and your baby and what you need and then you'll have an easier time deciding what you want to do with your marriage.
Most churches provide counseling services. When the church is small the pastor and his assistant will do counseling. That would be a good place to start looking for help.
please bear in mind that you are modeling your child's future view of the world. yes, it's wonderful when that includes a stable family, but it should be a HAPPY family. your child deserves that, and guess what? so do you.
yes, you do sound depressed, and yes, counseling is a good idea.
but it doesn't sound to me as if you ever loved this poor fellow.
being married because it's better than being lonely isn't fair to you or to your husband (who, like you, deserves to be loved wholeheartedly.)
but the boomerang thing is very very hard on a child. if you're not committed to going it alone, you should stay put and really focus on what's positive and make the best of it. leaving and coming back over and over is creating a huge sense of instability in your child's psyche, a sense that his world and the people he loves can't be counted on to be there for him.
personally i hope you free yourself and your husband to find rich, enduring love. (no guarantees that will happen, of course, but the possibility will open up.) but if you stay, quit fiddly-farting around with it. throw yourself whole-heartedly into your marriage and make it work.
khairete
S.
I would suggest therapy. But also, do you want your child to have a healthy idea of what married life should be like or an unhealthy one? In the long run, when children from broken homes grow up, they know when things aren't right and will tell you from their own mouths that they would have preferred you separate amicably.
Coming from another Christian I suggest you get into counseling for yourself. Marriages go through dry spells but God hates divorce. Even if you don't feel like you love him you have to stop living in that attitude and start doing kind acts towards him, be the wife God has called you to be and in time those feelings will come. A great book for that is Fireproof. You said he is negative and insecure. Some of that probably comes because he knows you want out. Maybe just by changing your attitude his will change and that may help the way you feel about him. Most churches do free counseling (even if you go alone) and there are plenty of good books out there about saving marriages. Read the Five Love Languages and find out what both yours and his are and then implement them into your marriage. Pray, pray, pray for God to restore your love for your husband. God can do anything, you just need to ask and seek for it.
Sounds like your self esteem is rock-bottom. If you don't love or care enough about yourself to stay away from unhealthy situations, think of your son and what's best for him. When you have children they should be a first priority, but you can't help him and be supportive and raise him properly with all the back and forth in and out of each other's life business. Find balance.
