I have been marrying for 7 years. I dont' feel happy with this marriage. I am stay at home mom and my husband give me money to use for food and gas about $650 a month that is not include any kids activities that I have to pay on my own saving. If i have to buy my personal things, I have to pay with my own saving. not sure how other families do.
my routine.
I woke up at 6.20 am and I woke up my daughter while my husband is still sleeping. then I make her lunch bag and breakfast. comb her hair. then I dropped her off at school. my husband will drop her off only twice a week. He never take care my daughter breakfast. my husband always wakes up 15 mins before he leaves for work around 9.30 am. at night, he will come back home at 8 or 9 pm. I pick her up and take her to after school activities, make her dinner , bath, then cleaning up. I will try to finish all my task before my husband comes. After that i prefer to stay in my office or in somewhere that I can be alone and peace. when my husband comes home, he usually asks what you do today. (in my meaning, he wants to make sure that I do any works in the house). why I did not finish that or why I dont' do this.. why I did not clean that. he nags on me everyday and have idiot "why" questions that I have to say Because Because...
Weekend. I woke up the same time as my daughter. he will wake up at 10-11 am. it feels like he is a single man. He never wakes up the same time to help to make breakfast for my daughter. if I don't ask him for it, he wont' do it. he usually fall sleep in front of TV on his couch. after he woke up, he stays there to check his email and play on his computer. If I asked him to help to do something , and he di dnot do it. I don't nag him. In contrast, if he asked me to do something and I forgot it. he will ask WHY I did not do it. and nagging me until I scream and mad then he will stop. I hate this part. I lose my patience. I always break my emotion in front of my daughter. some people said TGIF, but for me, I dont' look forward for weekend because it will be time that he will be at home.
I always want to get away to somewhere alone without going with him. I always look forward for MOnday when he goes out for work and I can stay home peaceful. we have a hard time to have fun , enjoy, good conversation to each other. I dont' feel dating with him is important for relationship anymore. because I dont' want to. He always goes to bed at 2-3 pm after he watches movies downstair. we don't sleep together in the same bed. He knows that I want a second baby, he said I have to lose my weight. my tummy looks not good. you will need to have ABS. blah blah about my body with his eyes looks that I feel so ignore. while himself never exercise and he nagged me about my body. if I don't lose my weight, he won't have second baby. etc. while my age is increasing.
we dont' have normal breakfast time or dinner time as a family everyday. only a dinner time once a week or breakfast together once a month. I feel my marriage life is so oooo boring. I feel I want to move back to stay with my family in my country where all family sit down and talk nicely and have dinners and breakfast together. My husband and I have boring conversation. His topic is not interesting to me anymore. while I told him some stories, he nods he head and act like he wants me to finish my story quickly. while he tried to tell me a story, I have to listen to him quietly without bother him. we stop holding each other hands since we marriage.
Tonight I cried, he asked WHY you cried STOP IT. I told him leave me alone,. He said stop it nonsense for crying
I dont' feel love, or care even though he said he care about me. I feel my life now is living day by day for my daughter. I feel I live like a maid. I feel I need someone who I can hug , laugh and feel love. who I talk with me Kindly. If I know how he treated his mom, I won't get married with him for sure.
I feel I want to get divorce. sometimes I think, I have only one kid is that good for me I can divorce him any time. however, I am worrying about my daughter if she is only one child. I want her to have a sibling. I try to think in positive that it may be good if I divorce him, so tha tmy daughter doesn't see how parents conversation or argument. that can affect her behavior. that one i am concerning the most.
do u think I think too much or that is just normal in the marriage life???
I would seek out a neutral, qualified 3rd party to talk to . . . i.e., a pastor or therapist.
I would not be happy in a situation like the one you describe, but I would want to talk with someone who could help me sort through it.
Good luck - <<hugs>>
This is not a normal marriage in my opinion. You both need serious counseling. I would not have a second child with this man. Good luck.
Why in the world would you even consider having a second child with this man? Just so your daughter will have a sibling? Not a good reason. Being an only child is not a bad thing. My daughter is an only and will tell anyone who asks that she is GLAD of it.
My situation with my ex was similar to yours in several ways, and leaving him was one of the best things I ever did for me AND my daughter. Was it hard? Yes. Was it worth it? HELL YES!
I suggest that you learn how to be assertive. You decide what you want out of your life and work at making that happen. Stop catering to your husband's demands. I agree that your marriage is dysfunctional. I would not stay in such a marriagae. However, I suggest that unless you learn how to be independent you will end up with another man the same as this one.
It sounds like you're from another country. You want to go back to that country. Be assertive and find a way to return and after plans are made tell your husband and return.
It sounds like you come from a culture where the husband makes all the decisions and the wife must obey. And now that you've lived that life you don't want that kind of marriage. Good for you! I would not stay in a marriage such as yours.
While you're making plans to leave, learn how to make happiness for yourself. If you can comfortably read English read about how to be assertive so that you can make and follow thru on decisions about the things that make you happy. For example: You can have family style meals. You make the meal and you and your daughter sit down to eat. Your husband can sit down with you or not. Stop making the meal just for him. Don't try to talk him into eating with you. Basically let him do what he wants and you do what you want.
You've found that conversations with him are not only boring but hurt you. Stop trying to have conversations with him. Instead read or do things that make you and your daughter happy. Stop depending on him for entertainment.
Find a group of people that are from your country and spend time with them. Perhaps you can find books, even books about assertiveness, that are written in your language. Develop friends. Look on the Internet under activities that you enjoy to find groups with the same interests.
If you don't go to church, find a Buddha temple so that you will have friends and things to do.
Do not worry about your daughter being an only child. You must first have a good marriage so that your child will have a good life and then have a second child. You do not want to bring another child into the pain of this marriage.
You cannot change him. You can make plans and change your own life. You now know that he's not capable of doing all the things that you need. You have a right to have hugs, laughter, and feeling loved and a kind man. I urge you to get out of this relationship. As you do so learn how to make yourself happy. That way you have a better chance of finding a man who will give you what you need, what is normal for everyone to need.
You do seem to have a really bad marriage. And you sound like you both are in a terrible rut.
Before throwing in the towel, try going to a counselor. You both have things to work on. I wouldn't continue with this kind of life you are living, though. Either work on it or make a change. You NEED to get a job outside of the home, though. You may not get custody of your child if you don't have a job.
And whatever you do, DON'T have another child with him while he treats you this way. That's the worst thing you can do...
Good luck,
Dawn
I wouldn't be happy if I were you either!
Your husband sounds mean and controlling of money and your time.
You need to do what makes you happy. Wishing for happy family meals is NOT too much to ask.
If I were you, I would tell my husband exactly how I feel and what I want changed and what I am willing to do (divorce) to get them.
~In my marriage there is no 'his money/savings and my money/saving'...there is only OUR MONEY and OUR SAVINGS!
Sweetie:
Your husband is an emotional and verbal abuser. He is also a control freak.
Seek out counseling at a Domestic Violence Shelter, it is often very low cost or free.
Marriage is a whole lot of give and take.
If you're not happy with your spouse then it can manifest as resentment and the desire to flee.
My husband doesn't get up with our daughters. He works, and I'm a stay at home mom. He gets annoyed if I forget to do something. I have a love/hate relationship with the weekends. I am usually more than ready for my husband to go back to work Monday morning. My husband agrees. This is normal for most marriages.
Have you ever had your daughter wake Daddy up? My husband absolutely adores waking up to our daughter kissing him good morning. And it gets him up at a decent time on the weekends.
My husband and I do not sleep in bed together. He snores, and I stay up late doing school work. It works for us. We still have a sex life. And we're quite happy.
You are unhappy and bored. You need your husband to pay attention to you. So what do you do to get his attention? You speak of wanting hugs and kisses. Do you show him affection? The best way to create a change in him is to lead by example. Do for him what you would like him to do for you.
Do not have another child to give your child a sibling. That is not a good reason. You feel burdened by doing all the parenting as it is. Another child will only make that twice as hard. You need to fix things in your marriage before considering to add to your family.
It's possible you are feeling some culture shock and/or are depressed.
See a doctor and talk about how you feel - read him this post - and see what they say.
It might be an antidepressant for a short time might help you.
If you feel you need to get out and meet more people - get a part time job.
That would give you some more money and more contact with people.
I can't tell if your husband is abusive or not - working 12 hr days and being a sole provider isn't easy.
If you are really unhappy with your marriage, then a job would be a good place to begin having some independence and you can form up an escape plan - talk to a women's shelter about it.
There's a Buddhist Temple not too far from you over in Sterling.
Maybe you can talk to some people there.
I suggest you stop looking to him to make you happy. If you want to set up times for you and your daughter to have a good routine, do that~ Tell your husband we are having dinner at 5 and I would like you to join us. Can you commit to joining us for dinner each day? Tell him your feelings and that you want to be close again---ask him to take you out and to work on the marriage. If he isn't willing, then I suggest you seek counseling for you. You need support-- Please hang in there and let us know what happens.....Stand up for yourself. You don't have to do all the chores. Your husband can do it too.
Why would you want a 2nd baby with the MESS you've got going on?
While I don't believe it is easy in this day and age to define what is or is not NORMAL, in your case I can say with confidence, NO, your married life is NOT to be considered normal.
From what you say, he's not physically abusive, but what's happening in your life is clearly emotionally/mentally abusive.
You need to take care of you and your child...please keep in mind IF you don't take care of yourself, you will not be able to do the best by your child.
There doesn't appear to be a fairy tale ending here, so realistically, what do YOU want for you and your child? Once that is determined, what steps to YOU need to do to make it happen?
Blessings....
How in the world did you and your husband ever get together? Your marriage sounds like something arranged through a mail-order bride company. No offense to anyone who is a mail-order bride.
This is not normal in married life. Your husband seems to think it is cheaper to be married to you than to hire a maid, nanny, and prostitute. This is not love. This is a very bad relationship. And you owe it to your daughter to leave, because she will grow up thinking that this is how married people treat each other.
Is there someone you can talk to who can refer you to a divorce attorney? You need to find out where all of your husband's bank accounts are. You also need to know what it will be like to share custody of your daughter if you divorce.
Are you a U.S. citizen yet? Do you have a job? I hope someone else on mamapedia has some good advice or referrals for you. I have seen some of your previous posts, and I believe you are married to a very abusive man. Please keep yourself and your daughter safe. And figure out a way to leave.
Do the chores as soon as you the child to school. Start dinner early and then you can have the rest of the day to look at tv or be on Mamapedia.
No working spouse wants to come home to dirty home and no meal.
When I was a SAHM (while pregnant), I made it look like I was busy all day--when in fact, I got everything done within an hour and just set back and ate bonbons and looked at "All My Children".
Not normal. Can u get a job? Any family support?
Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage... . . Marriage is like a cage, one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out... . .. . I hope it works out! :)
That is not normal or healthy in a marriage. You may be depressed, or you may both be depressed. You need to really get his attention, and make him understand that if things continue in this way your marriage together will not last. You are lonely, you are sad and bored and you work all the time, you see that he is not happy either - he isn't happy with you or with his life. Life could be so much better if you could both be loving and helpful to each other. You need to find out if that is possible.
Hi, P.:
It sounds like you are from another culture. Is your husband from
that culture as well?
Have you contacted a minister from a church that deals with your cultural
relationship expectations?
Have you thought about contacting a marriage therapist?
Before you think about a divorce, think about how to learn some skills in standing up for yourself.
Look up www.coda.org and find a support group meeting near by.
Good luck.
D.
