Need Ideas on Dealing with Grandma's Advice

My mother and I have instituted a "my house, my rules" concept between us. I was having similar problems with her, and I finally took her aside and told her that I loved her and respected her. I have worked hard to follow her rules my whole life living under her roof. I will continue to do that while I am in her home and I will expect my children to follow her rules in her home. However, when she is in my home, she needs to respect my household and my rules just as she would in any other adult's home. If she doesn't agree with me, she can bring it up in private. If she doesn't like it, than she can choose to not enter my home. Similarly, if I feel her "rules" are not in the best interest of my child, I can choose to not visit her home.

This my seem a little extreme, but it working really well for us. We do live on opposite coasts, so when she visits me, she is living in my home for a week or two and vise versa. We are able to get along with minimal conflict since we had this talk.

Good luck!!!!

My mother was doing similar things - putting me down in front of the children, constantly telling me what I'm doing wrong. When she would arrive (from California), and start doing that, I would tell her to stop. If she didn't I would simply leave her in the house by herself and take off.

It took several times of really putting my foot down - at one time we were leaving in the car - and I told her "I can't take it any more - I JUST asked you to stop!". Then she started again, just a half block down the road, I reminded her, "Mom" - she got angry and got out of the car, went back to my house, and I went on a hike.

Finally she got the message. Sometimes it's just a matter of being firm, and not backing down. Tell her, "Mom, if you don't stop I will have to ask you to leave". Stick to it, period.

Once a mother, always a mother. Meaning once we start mothering it can be hard to transition into grandmothering. You definitely have to put your foot down. My older sister told my mom "you made your mistakes with your children, now let me make mine". Yes, a little harsh but my mom got the point. You could put it nicer by saying "You raised your children, not let me raise mine." I'd also explain to her that as a grandmother it is her job to enjoy her grandkids, not try to train them. I'd also make it clear that she is not allowed to nitpick the kids when she is alone with them. And criticizing you in front of the children will not only damage your relationship with your mother, but also her relationship with your children. My MIL never got that and now none of my kids like to go visit her. My mom got it and they love her. Good luck. And like many others have said, stay firm and stand your ground.

Establishing independence from our parents is a life-long effort for most of us, but it can be done, often with a minimum of fireworks or tears. Try following this 4-step process.

1. Say what you observe happening, in clear, non-judgemental language. "Mom, I heard you tell Suzi to stop (some behavior) four times in the past ten minutes." Or, "I noticed you took Suzi's toy away from her." Or, "You gave the girls a treat I wish they didn't have." Or, "You have given Suzi instructions that directly contradict my wishes."

2. Make a stab at what her motives might be. Use the most compassionate language you can. "I wonder if you worry that she will make a poor impression on people." Or, "It seems that she is really bothering you." Or, "It looks like you're concerned about her developing a bad habit." Or, "You really want Suzi to love you." Or, "It appears that you worry about my parenting skills."

3. Tell clearly how you feel about it (not "you MAKE me feel negative," but rather, "when you do this, I FEEL negative." A fine distinction, but empowering). "I worry that my daughter will be confused about who's in charge here." Or, "I feel angry / hurt / upset when you take issue with my parenting indirectly." Or, "I'm anxious about both being a respectful daughter to you and a responsible parent to my children when this conflict arises." Or even, "When you do that, I sometimes wish you weren't in my home." Or, "I'm sad that my daughter seems anxious to be left alone with you."

4. Tell what needs you have that are being violated or ignored. "I have looked forward to raising children according to my own wisdom, and I need your cooperation / support." Or, "These are my children, and I need you to respect my choices / style / parenting." Or, "I need you to consider my feelings / needs / wishes here." Or, "I want to relax and enjoy having you here."

5. Make a clear request that is within your mom's ability to satisfy. "So, I want you to pay attention to my rules when you are interacting with my children." Or, "Please check with me first to be sure that doesn't mess up my plans." Or, "If you think I'm making a mistake, talk to me about it, don't circumvent my authority with my children." Or, "I'll be glad to hear your opinions if you explain them to me directly." Or, "So please take it easy, and let me be the parent."

This approach will help establish your grown-up-itude, while being respectful to both your mother and yourself. Obviously, you can combine the steps above into a more natural flow, but I've separated them for clarity. It might also help to practice the steps in front of a mirror until they feel like "you."

Learn more about this approach by googling "Non-Violent Communication." Very useful in all sorts of situations. Good luck. As a daughter, a mom, and a granny, I know you can do this.

The other ladies have said good stuff.

I would add, make sure you deliberately add Grandma visits that aren't child-care related. Not only will it probably help your toddler not get stressed just because
'Grandma = Mommy leaves,' but it would give your mom a chance to break out of childcare mode. As much as grandmas love grandkids, they do (especially the older grandmas) have to ramp up to take care of them, and if control-freak is the way she is coping with that ... well, I don't think she would be able to turn that 'off' easily--and deliberately offering the opportunity, might be key. "Mom, we've been under a lot of stress in our relationship lately, and your granddaughter isn't getting any chance to just play with her grandma ... can we make a date to do that next Tuesday?"

You have to then be prepared to make tea for your mom and you--to show openness to conversation ;) -- that will grow cold before she more than sips it because your mom will be so busy bonding in a healthier way with her granddaughter, though ;).

(Do have the ACTUAL conversations with her, directly, one-on-one as well. But don't expect her to loosen up and have stressful conversations, in the same day ;).)

Good luck; God bless,
K.

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of time to write so I'll just give a couple of quick suggestions some of which may sound harsh. Your mom may be jelous of you. She may see you being a better parent to your children as she felt towards you and therefore she nit picks. By definition if she sees you doing things differently than she did them then she may feel that you think her parenting style was wrong or bad. I would sit down and talk to her about this in that context. I would also suggest you try to set some serious limits with her such as "If you cannot come over to visit and not comment on my children or my parenting style than you are no longer welcome to come over until you can do this." Then you need to be able to follow up on this. Such as asking her to leave when she starts nit picking. If she wants to spend time with you or your children she will learn to keep her mouth shut. If she cannot do this then it's better she is away from you and your children if she is so harsh. I know this sounds very final, but my guess is that she will shape up and if she doesn't then you know you will have set clear boundaries, given her a chance to do the right thing and she chose to be out of your life. Maybe also spending some one and one time just with your mom would also help. Hope this helps and good luck.

Have you tried expressing your concerns to her through a letter? Sometimes we get defensive if someone criticizes us face to face, but a letter gives you a chance to really tell her how you feel and gives her a chance to absorb it all and think it through before making any knee jerk comments.
She needs to know that it's affecting her relationship with her granddaughter and that you're concerned she won't be able to grow up knowing just how wonderful her grandma really is. Honesty is always best with family situations. Not always the easiest thing to do, but it's a must if you are to keep those relationships alive. Good luck and hang in there!

Wow, this is tough. I'm very lucky that my mom will visit and sometimes give input. Sometimes I use that input, othertimes I just smile, say thanks, and continue about my business.

It seems like you have a good relationship outside of the kids. Maybe take her for coffee and have a chat. Start positive, like "Mom, you did an awesome job raising me. And after all that hard work, you deserve to be the fun grandma." Then move to the harder moment and explain that you want the opportunity to raise your kids the way you want and that you want your kids to have a close relationship with their her. Segway into another positive before ending the conversation, such as "I want the kids to see the fun side of you, remember when we used to do (fill in the blank)? I have always cherished those moments. Can you be that for the kids?"

If talking to your mom doesn't work or it's just out of your comfort zone, talk to the kids. Letting them know from a young age that Grandma just wants what is best for them will eventually (when your child is in her teens or adulthoog) sink in that Grandma doesn't dislike them she just loves them so much she wants the absolute best for them.

My older sister is very hard on my younger sister (guess who's the family mediator?)and it's really because she does want what's best, she just forgets that what may work for her doesn't always work for someone else. It doesn't help that my younger sister has a hard time letting some things roll off her back, she will retaliate and then BAM! We are in WWIII. I really need to talk to my doctor about getting some valium for family get togethers, =)

Hang in there,
D. J.

Decide right now what you are willing to put up with from your Mother. Where do you want her to stop? What are you willing to go through to get a change?

You have to set boundaries with consequences and stick to them, just like you would do with your children, husband, or friends. You decide, then you have a conversation with your mom and tell her how you feel and what has to happen in the future. Don't threaten her, just let her know that certain things are no longer acceptable to you. When she does them, you let her know that it needs to not happen again or such and such will have to occur. For instance, she will have to stay at a hotel, or she will have to leave, or you will take the children and go for a walk.

She is the grandmother, not the mother. Also, you are an adult and do not need to be treated like that. This is about what you and your family need, not what your mom wants.

You have to come up with things that you are willing to live with though. For instance, if you decide that she needs to change or else, she won't be visiting you anymore, you have to know that you are willing to not see her in the future if that is what she decides to do.

God Bless.

I would have an honest chat with her without kids around or write her a letter if you don't feel comfortable talking about it. But, just be honest and tell her how you feel. I'll bet it would have drove her nuts if her mom did the same thing.

Also, if she is suggesting things that are just not done anymore, (like feeding babies solids at 6 weeks etc) Then get on the net and print out all the reasons why we don't do these things anymore. One thing I do when people tell me things, I say... Well, my Dr told me to do (such and such)... so that is what I plan to do for now, but thanks anyway :)

I think the other ladies had great ideas so I won't go on and on :) Good luck with your mom!

I think the other ladies have some good advice.

The 'I can't help myself' is just a cop out. Ask her if she would give this kind of advice to a complete stranger. If she says no - you can mention that she treats strangers with more respect than her own daughter. (My husband does this and we go rounds pretty often but it's getting better.) It's the whole if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all.

Maybe set some ground rules? If she thinks the kids are in imminent danger than for sure speak up - otherwise the discussions should happen when they're out of earshot. Wshe be open to reading about the parenting style you've chosen so she can understand the logic behind it?

I do think setting boundaries is needed - not fun - but needed.

To help with the association to being left along - it's a good idea to get the kids together with grandma when you're there. That way they get some positive association too.

If I were you I would let it go. I would be gracious when she offered advice and be happy that it was only once a month for a visit. She is a grandma now, and I believe it when she says she can't help it. If we were in a world without technology and self-help books and mamasource and such, then we may be more inclined to be in tune to our parents advice;) Since she has said that, it is okay for you to let go of being annoyed by her suggestions, and be more understanding of her position as a grandma. I have observed with my own daughters grandma and with my friends who have become grandmothers, the magnitude of change that happens inside a woman who becomes a grandmother, and I believe it to be greater than when a woman experiences motherhood.
And for your 2 year old, it is not your mom that is causing the clingy behavior. 2 years of age is right on cue to go through separation anxiety, a perfectly normal and healthy phase of development all children go through.

How about an honest talk when you visit her alone without the children.

Prepare the talk in advance, realize that it will vary from the points you are making. Stay calm and do not yell even if she does. Tell her you love her.

Is your mother living alone? You do not mention a grandfather in your posting.
If she is she could be very lonely and need some other kind of contact with family members like movie going, or to events that interest her. A dinner with the extended family at your house could be a neutralizing force.

If you would be taking the children to the zoo or something like that ask her to accompany you and your husband. She might be less critical in his presence.

I agree with Lucy L. That's how my mom & I have worked things out.
She's your own mom, not your mil. Let her know you value a relationship with her that's just between the two of you--adult daughter to mother, no kids involved. Develop a friendship based on mutual care/concern for each others' lives outside of mothering & hopefully the bond will inspire more respect in her for everything you're about, including how you're raising your kids.

Oh, darling! Grandmothers think it's their obligation to tell you how to parent.

However, it's your home, and these are your children. When your mother tells you you "will regret not being nicer or more appreciative of her," that's merely emotional manipulation. You have no reason to feel guilty for this, and no reason to let her boss you or your children around. Nit-picking is a terrible way to get to know her grandkids, too.

I would be up front about her behavior. Tell her she raised a child perfectly capable of raising children without grandma butting in, and what you didn't learn while at her house, you are too old to learn now. If she can't take that, and pulls the guilt card (mom's are good at this), then you need to stand your ground. If she won't agree to lighten up in private, call her on it publicly. My MIL has tried several times to nitpick (and I love her dearly--she's always here because she's wonderful!), whether it be to tell my daughter to color inside the lines or to tell me when my kids were ready to potty train/wean/etc. Each time, I made it clear that I was in charge, that I didn't agree with her, and that she needed to satisfy her parenting needs with her own children.

She finally admitted, after a recent to-do about how I was only "feeding my kids bread and cheese all the time," that she was worried because we were vegetarian, and the kids weren't getting enough meat in their diet. I told her kids were raised this way all the time, and they'd pretty much all lived, and I was keeping them from a life of unhealthy eating, obesity, and diabetes (which run rampant through both of our families). She agreed, and she backed off.

Your mother loves you, but she needs to let you parent. And that means if she is going to support you, she needs to follow your lead, not undermine what you are trying to do. If she doesn't agree with something, she needs to approach you about it, not in front of the kids, and not in a way that claims her own right to tell you what to do.

I wish you luck with this. Be strong! You can do it!

First off, I have to tell you how lucky you are that you are physically close enough for your kids to get to "know" grandma. But, you say most of the visits are in the context of watching the kids-- which is asking her to do what parents do while you aren't there. She's going to default to what she would have done with you, when you were little.

All of my kids' grandparents are far away, which is no fun. But my mom tries to get out to visit a few times a year, and I just let her have her way of parenting/grandparenting with the kids because, a) I cannot ask her to understand WHY I do it the way I do (Love & Logic is what my husband and I try to use for discipline situations). b) My kids are smart enough to know that grandma still loves them, even though she's more "rigid" about things than mom (she's Spanish and Lebanese and yelling is very common with her family!), c) why stress myself out so much over something that happens so infrequently... it goes on. She loves my girls, SO SO much, she's just different than me when it comes to her version of 'love and logic'. It's not easy to accept all the time, but I think of how well I turned out regardless, and I know it's not the most detrimental thing that could be happening.

The BIG difference though, in your story, seems to be the fact that she is also criticizing YOU for your own parenting. This is something you need to address with her, without the girls around.

The sad thing is that you WILL resent the situation more and more if you don't do something and then your daughters won't grow up with their grandmother around except for the holidays. That's no fun. It's not just your responsiblity though, and she needs to understand that. You need to have a heart-to-heart with her. Hear her out first, be patient and HOLD YOUR TONGUE (yep, that's the hard part!) and then ask her to show you the same courtesy and tell her how hurt you feel.

One thing I have noticed now that I am a parent is how much I have to really try NOT to be like my mom sometimes! It's much more noticeable to me when I'm around her than when I'm on my own. My husband notices it when she's not around ;) I think that's part of it that can drive us nuts too, we don't want to do it, but sometimes it comes out!

When my first child was born and I went to a new moms group at the hospital, I was so sad that out of the 11 women in my group I was the ONLY one who was happy to have their mother with them during labor/delivery. The other women either told their moms no and caused strife, or grudgingly and unhappily had their mom with them. It made me realize how much I am blessed and lucky to have the mom that I do, and how much I need her-- and so do my kids!

I hope you are able to find a way to resolve your situation. Much love to you and your mama!

Use Annissa's method--write a letter. Then she won't have to throw up defenses right on the spot to whatever you're trying to say. She might even reread it enough to understand what you're saying.

What I realized is that every time my husband and I told his parents that we were dealing with something in a way different than they would have, they took it as an explicit rejection of their own (tried and true) methods. To the point where if we even mentioned we were trying X method that wasn't theirs, our just talking about it was seen as deliberate rebellion. So we just dropped it. The fact was, we were dealing with things they hadn't actually had to deal with! So their methods wouldn't have applied...but whatever they thought would work, if we didn't adopt it, was another "rejection" from us. Very tiring. I only mention this as a way of looking at the other side of the same coin.