Anxious About My Mother's Visits

I'm so sorry if this offends you, but I laughed at the last line of this. You seem like you're trying to hard to convince yourself that you are so lucky to have her. I'm sure you mean that to a certain degree, just maybe if you two could communicate better.

Your mom is visiting you, which means she loves you. She is probably just as uncomfortable as you are, but is afraid if she stops visiting you, she is going to be making the choice to let her baby go from her life. She does it because she's afraid of not being a part of your lives, but it seems that you two probably just don't know how to communicate. You seek her approval, and that means something. I'm not sure what it means, but I know it means that you care.

Without knowing anything else about your relationship or how it was with her growing up, or when it became so awkward, it's hard to give you advice. I think the best advice is that she probably isn't judging you nearly as harshly as you think she is. She's probably very proud of you, and just doesn't know really how to say it. I'm sure her hope is that one day you two can actually enjoy each others visits...so maybe relaxing is actually the best way to do that. Don't stress so much, just try to have fun keeping in mind that thats's probably what your mom wants too.

They say at a certain age your mother is supposed to become your best friend. There's a reason they say that. She's a person too, who was probably just as nervous around her mother as you are around her. Just try to talk to her. Getting a glass... or 5 ...of wine usually helps me in these situations.

Best of luck and warmest wishes to you!!! :)

Oh, maybe just try asking her about... HER... and how motherhood was for her. It might be uncomfortable, but it's a start. Those are never comfortable, but you never know where it may lead. She's not going to live forever, you should try.

Her coming to visit you every two weeks and coming 90 minutes to do it means she likes being in your presence. Let her.

I find that with certain people it is easier to do things with them than sit and talk. Bake cookies? Do something together to prepare for the baby? Read a book and talk about it? Have her read to the baby? Garden? A quick run to the grocery store together? Go to the park and change the scenery?

I like the suggestion to ask her about her days of raising children. It'll be something that you both can relate to.

If she is willing to play a board game, there are games that help generate conversation between the generations. The point is to have the conversation, so it doesn't matter if the game is finished.

I wonder what she would say in a letter if you began to exchange letters. That's how to know what a person is thinking about.

Could it be that she is very introverted and you are extroverted? I am extroverted and find that when I am with people who are very introverted I try to fill up the empty space with talk. They probably wish I would just shut up. My sister is introverted and can only visit people for about 3 hours and then she needs to recharge with quietness. The difference is that an extrovert gets their energy from other people and interactions, whereas an introvert gets their energy from alone or quiet time. An extrovert goes to a party and gets more and more excited as they talk to lots of people and wish the party would never end. An introvert dreads going to parties and leaves feeling exhausted. We all are a mixture but tend to have more of one quality than the other. Even the biggest chatterbox needs down time and even the biggest introvert likes to talk to friends every now and then.

You sound like you are comparing your relationship with your mother to someone else's. The fact that they come so often sounds like you are "close." Is it that you want to talk like best friends? She doesn't sound like the type to talk.

Try to figure out why you are trying to get her approval. Is it that you want her to SAY that you have a nice, clean home or are a great cook? If she isn't the type to talk, just ask her. Do you think my house is clean enough to bring a newborn into it? or What do you think of this meatloaf? Should I keep this recipe?

If she is the introvert type, you probably never heard her praise you growing up. That is a hard one. Just accept it for what it is. Does your husband praise you? Great. Enjoy it and stop expecting your mom to do what she cannot or will not do. At this point, who cares? She wouldn't keep coming over if she didn't like you, your home, your food, etc.

Ask her what she'd like to do when she comes to visit next time and offer her suggestions. Would you like to read, play games/do crafts with the kids, put pictures in an album for me, do dishes? Keep it humorous and say, you just weren't sure what she'd like do since you have never asked her before.

The best conversation questions would be about her life. Pick a different era each time she comes.

Maybe she would like to go shopping for baby things or on another outing with you. After your outing you can go back to your house for a nice dinner. Then you can talk about your day during dinner

I don't think you have to feel self-conscious and try to impress her.
She doesn't seem to get in the way nor try to nit-pick you etc.
She just seems to, sit there? And is introverted?
That's fine.
Maybe get a puzzle... put it out on a table, and let her do it for fun and to keep "busy?"
Not to get her out of the way, but something for her to do? That is relaxing?

At least, she doesn't seem to commandeer your home or you?
So that's good.
She is just an introvert or a colder type person with no real strong personality?
Well, if so, that is how she is.
And you both are not close.
But she seems at least, pleasant?
So no worries!

Do NOT sprint around the house, trying to impress her.
She probably thinks you are over doing it, but doesn't say nor try to control you.
You are controlling, yourself.

I rather have that, than a Mom that is overbearing and controlling and nit-picky and obstinate and derogatory and tries to control my kids.

Let it slide.
Relax.
You are an adult now, not a little kid, you have your own home and kids and Husband and you have your own ways of doing things.
You do NOT need her "approval."

Or, just take an initiative and tell her "Hey Mom, are you fine? Bored? Relaxed? You can sit out in the yard and read a book if you want, don't worry about anything. Enjoy your stay."

They visit you every 2 weeks?
For how long?

Print out your post and show it to her. I think an honest communication of your feelings is the best course of action. There is nothing to be ashamed of in sharing how you feel.

Have you considered talking to a counselor about this? I wonder if talking this through with someone who can help you get to the bottom of why you feel this way might help.

I would think that your baby doesn't feel so good about grandma because you are so stressed around your mom. Children feel their parents' stress - they really do.

If your mother really expects your house to be perfect, then maybe this is what is really wrong. If this is really only about you, then you need help getting over feeling this way.

Good luck,
Dawn

This reminds me of the book What To Say to Yourself When You Talk to Yourself. You can change the way you feel, anxiety and all, if you start telling yourself that your Mom loves you, must enjoy your company and your home because she comes often, and therefore there is nothing to be anxious about. Whenever you start to think that you must clean house, figuratively slap yourself on the forehead and tell yourself. of course I don't need to clean. Mom loves me the way I am. You consciously stop seeking her approval.

It's possible that once you learn how to relax you will feel closer to your Mom. Both of you must feel the tension that is keeping you apart.

I like the suggestion to ask her about her earlier life. People like to talk about themselves and I've found that most older adults like to reminisce about their youth.

I also suggest that you talk with her about how you're feeling. Tell her what you said here. Sharing personal stuff nearly always increases a sense of closeness.

I would tell her what you told us. Start there. I was in the same kind of situation with my own mother for years. Lots of resentment and hurt. Finally, I opened up to her. It has been the best thing for us. We are now very close, and enjoy our time together so much more.

I used to not be as close to my mother as I am now. And I used to stress about the same things! But I realized my mom just wants to spend time with me and the kids and the other things don't have to be perfect. You can always find something to talk about - the kids accomplishments & developmental milestones (even involve them in the conversation), the weather, current affairs, what is going on in your pregnancy, etc... Just because she doesn't ask or isn't chatty, doesn't mean all conversation must stop. It's like that with my mother-in-law too. She isn't chatty, so I just ask her questions about herself, and her singing lessons (she's a voice teacher) and she always opens up about herself.
And please, you are pregnant! Just order pizza and salad when they come and give yourself a break!!

This is your mama and not MIL?!?!?!? wow

Find her hobbies, her likes, what books she has read recently, TV shows she likes, if she like going shopping or staying at home. There must be something she does often.

You might do some research in those area's to see if there could be some interest on your part.

I married hubby and found out his mom and I had a lot in common because we both sewed. She did heirloom sewing and I made clothes. So she was always surprising me with sewing machine feet or other stuff to do with sewing. I was always picking up odd things that had something to do with sewing but couldn't figure out. She loved the search to find their purpose.

We bought this.....thing that a person stood on. It had a yard stick type thing on it. I figured out it must have something to do with marking a hem.

It was a fancy tool for marking your own garment for the hem.

She loved finding out what year it was made, where it came from, if it was for professional use or a home tool, we were able to bond over stuff like this, things we shared an interest in.