Grandmothers and Discipline in Our Home

I have to say I agree with J M,you are soooooo lucky to have your mom in your life(and your childrens)I would give ANYTHING to have my mom back!!(she passed from lung cancer when i was 18 and she was 46!!)Anyway...not a day goes by that I dont wish she could be a part of my sons life,so please CHERISH every second you have w/her.Would your daughter respond to your moms requests??If so, maybe have your mom do the homework w/her,bath time,bed,ect..??Hope you work this out but just like anything it will pass!!But then you have puberty to look foward to!!LOL!!!!!Good Luck

I think there is a difference between Grandma "spoiling" your daughter on her own, and contradicting you in front of her. I think the lack of reaction when your daughter misbehaves is working for you - you walk away and leave her without attention. If you do it without yelling and arguing, she doesn't witness those behaviors and emulate them. That's good! Grandmas ARE for spoiling but not for spoiling your authority. Your daughter should NOT be overhearing your mom say "She's fine" or "Leave her alone."

Maybe you can make an arrangement with your mom to say what she needs to say, but only to you, not within earshot. Maybe she can use other words instead of "It's fine, Mom's not here." Can she say "This is a Grandma Special Treat" or something similar? Not that you want her to go against your rules all the time, but if she changed the language, it's less empowering to your daughter.

ANother thing is to engage your mother in conversations about when you were a child - what she did, how your grandmothers helped out, etc. You might get some insight of how she thought then, what gifts and problems she got from the grandmas or aunts (or even grandpas and uncles), and that might do 2 things: 1) Let you know how she's thinking or what things she is reacting to, swearing to do differently, and 2) give you a possible opening for discussion if it turns out something your grandparents did ticked off your mom! I would do this in the evening after the kids are in bed.

You can also have your mom take over some of the activities - getting ready for school, looking over her homework, etc. Mom may get tired of all the toothbrushing and whatnot.

If none of these halfway measures work, you can get tough and tell her she is leaving you with more problems after she leaves, and setting up your child for failure by endorsing bad behaviors. You can cut back the visits -- the disruption of the schedule is setting off your daughter. She sees an opening, and she's using it. The visits will probably cut back later as your daughter has a bigger homework load, more activities, etc.

What would happen if you used the time with your mom there to go out and do your own errands, do laundry, etc.??? That would remove you from the situation, stop the competition between you and your mom (and I think that's what your momis doing, frankly), and at least stop the contradictions in frontn of you. If Mom gets tired of being the supervisor, she may back off.

Good luck!

Hi T.,

You probably won't like my answer, but here goes:

I read some of the responses below, and I'm sorry but I have WAY too much love and respect for my mother that I would never give a nasty ultimatum like that - how sad the relationship (or lack thereof) between some mothers and daughters.

The bottom line is that your kids are yours and you know what's best for them. You should be giving rules and discipline as you see fit.

That said, grandma's ARE for spoiling - she raised her kids and now she gets the priviledge to enjoy yours. Your mom probably went through exactly what you are going through now with your child (ask her, I'm sure she can tell you stories about your childhood), and your mom is at a point in her life where she is all set with discipline. As long as grandma is not completely, deviously, undermining you, let it go, it's one day a week, as long as YOU stand firm with your daughter.

It sounds like you are close with your mom, since she vists so often, and that is such a gift. My suggestion is asking your mom to help your daughter with the getting ready for school, homework, etc while she is there - I'm sure your daughter will have no problems with Grandma helping her out, and that might minimize the "meltdowns".

I have two 7 year old right now, and I know what "tudes" they can get (God help me! LOL). They are more emotional than a teenager sometimes.

Your mom has been through it before, and it seems like you turned out just fine - I'm not saying let up on the rules when grandma is around, but maybe get grandma involved.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Your mom needs to back off and let you parent your child. It's totally fine if she wants to spoil her but intervening on your rules is just going over the line. If she can't respect your rules while in your home then I wouldn't let her stay over.

Hi T.,

My name is P. and I am a mother of three. I think that you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your mother. Tell her exactly how you feel and that she really needs to follow the rules that you set for your kids and that you want her to take them as serious as you do. If she doesn't take you serious and replies to you saying that grandmothers are for spoiling, then you need to set rules for her. Tell her that untill she obides by the rules that she will not be allowed to come over. Yes it might sound harsh but you need to show her tough love. Maybe then she will realize that you mean what you say. Hopefully everything works out for you. Good luck and take care!

I'm a Grandmother as well and when I'm at my daughters home it's just that, (her home) and I'm a guest and she sets the rules and I follow them 100%. By not backing her up you show the grandchildren that they can get away with things when you are there. You should be grateful that you have the time to spend with your grandchildren and be a part of there life. You need to respect your daughters rules when you are thwere and always.

when Grandma has them alone she can put up with whatever she wants, When you are home It is you rhome and you make the rules period!! You rmother needs to respect you as a parent so your children listen to you... when they are samll things are trivial in some ways but not in others.. YOur children need to learn respect for you, others (Including Grandma), and themselves. Best to learn it young it bulid their self esteem and confidence:)

Grandmothers gotta love em..... its a battle that your not going to win so don't beat yourself up over it.

But you need to have a frank talk to her about getting ready for school a very important function of the day and start with the two of you agreeing about that and then continue from there
have a nice mothers day and good luck to you
L.

Hi T.,

As awful as this may sound, I would tell Grandma she has a choice, she can either back up you and your husband, or she can stay at home. Your daughter is getting conflictin messages, and it sounds like she knows she can get away with almost anything when grandma is around. Your the mom, it's your daughter and your house. I'm sure you had to follow your mothers rules when living in her house, and I would tell her that it goes the same way in your house.

Hi T.,

I am also a grand mother of 6 and I have to discipline myself to allow my children to raise thier own even if I don't agree. Healthy boundaries are the answer, I believe. My son-in-laws appreciate my non-oppinion when they are disciplining their children. I have learn that I should only give advice if it is asked for.
I need to ask you if you and your husband are in agreement with the same way of discipling?? If yes then I suggest that you tell you mom nicely ( we like that ) that you have set boundaries and she needs to let you and your husband parent your children not her. If she continues there will have to be a larger space between visits. Believe me, if she gets your point she will bite her tongue. It is hard ( speaking as a grand mom ) not to speak up but they are not our children , they are yours. Your mom should never make a comment to your children about underminding your authority. That is just wrong.
Blessings to you, P.

My advice is continue to talk to her seperately BEFORE it happens again. Get your husband involved as well. Ask her what she would do if she were the one in your place. If you were the one acting out and her Mom was telling her to leave you alone. We have just recently been asking the kids to keep talk more appropriate for our 2 year old repeating everything she hears. Even though my husband thinks its fine for the 10yo to say things it isn't for our 2yo. My father in law came up as I said,"We don't use those kinds of words here. I have told you before and if you can't follow my rules you can't come to play." to our neighbor. FIL says, "__________ ________, what's wrong with that?" in a way that showed the kids they could also talk to me like that and do as they please. These kids are also repeating everything they hear on the high school buses and we're fighting the way they think they can talk to us. I was livid enough to leave it to my hubby to talk to him. After that he apoligized and understands he has to stand behind us, especially in our home, with any rule whether he agrees or not. Especially because we've expressed if you can't-you can't be here. It's a tough situation and I hope it works out.
Like I give other Moms advice, be firm and stick to your guns. Do not waiver or change what you've said. They pick up on that and will push you to the limit.

Do not have the grandmother visit if she is going to disrespect your house and not support you.

I get the same kind of response from my mother-in-law and, frankly, from her son (my husband). It's infuriating! And kids know how to work it! I recommend you have a conversation with your mom when the kids aren't around. Hopefully, you have enough respect between the two of you that you can have a conversation that comes to some sort of understanding. It's your house and your children. I would think she would want to support you rather than act counterproductively, but that's not safe to assume.

I like what one mom said about asking about experiences when your mom was a young parent. It might open the conversation to a better spot. Also, can you have Grandma visit on the weekend so that bedtime and schoolwork may not be as critical?

My mom periodically tells me a story about her and her mother from 50+ years ago. My mom's mom once mentioned that she was spoiling the grandkids. To which my mom said, "You're not spoiling them for me, but you may be spoiling them for you." In other words, my mom's mom treated the kids to things they began to expect from their grandmother but not from my mom. My mom was clear with expectations with us.

If you can maintain your expectations with your daughter, that is the key. Remind your daughter that what you say goes, even if Grandma wants to dismiss her. If your mom continues to thwart your efforts, let her know that it troubles you.

Don't let her interjections make you mushy with what you believe to be best for your family. I've done that with my husband and mother-in-law at times, and it only bites you in the butt later on! You'll either start to resent their input or lose your effectiveness with your child(ren) or both. (You might be there already...but it's not going to get better unless you address it. I know...been there, done that!)

Best of luck and stand your ground! Remember it's your house and your mother is a guest. You can love her, love her visiting, but also draw some respectful boundaries for you and for her. In the long run, it will help all involved!

Parents can be so problematic!! I get grandma's point of not being her job to discipline, BUT to me that means, it is your job while she is there and she certainly shouldn't argue about your decisions on DD's behavior. How confusing for DD! Yes if you are not there little things can be let go in gm's care. But it does not mean she will undermine your authority. I absolutely would insist that she not undermine you as it is very confusing for your daughter who is just testing limits as is age appropriate. If your mother can't see reason, I would definitely not let her visit weekly. Your house your rules! If you don't nip it in the bud now you'll be in trouble.

I also have a big problem with "mom's not here" -that is fine as far as you get to have a treat or watch a little more tv or something like that but if it is a case of her letting DD do things both of them know you don't approve of that is uncalled for and disrespectful of you. It is very important other adults do not model disrespect for you. Also, if she starts with the "don't tell your mother" or something along those lines, that is a very dangerous precedent to set. No adult should ever tell a child that even for a little thing.

I don't have kids of those ages so I can't speak to how to address DD's behavior (I have only second hand experience with my neice and nephew) but I feel very strongly that how you want to parent is your business and other adults need to support that or back off. And if your mother can't do it, I would limit her weekly visits as it is not fair to either you or your daughter. She is the adult and should know better.

If the reward/punishment approach is no longer working for DD there are other approaches. I can't personally speak to the usefulness of unconditional parenting as my DD is 19 mos but you may want to read Alfie Kohn's books. A lot of it resonated with me; I plan to use this approach to parenting and it's worth a try.

I would tell Gramma, you have three options. Back out, Back off, or stay at home. You may not contradict us in front of our child.

She needs to respect the way you choose to discipline your children. If she cannot, tell her she can stay home!!! She is being really disrespectful, how can you expect your children to respect you if Grandma doesn't!!