Need Help with in Laws

Sounds like you're dealing with a paranoid schitzophrenic, sorry if I spelled that wrong. My mother is too. And she's manic depressive. All my life I've been dealing with her "false police reports" and somtimes she uses my name. Of course the police called me and asked if I filed such a report and I explained her condition. She is medicated and thats most important! She seems evil and I know its sad that I'm speaking of my mother this way but she lies, cheats and steals from her own children, and she been doing it since we were little. She is really messed up, but for you, you can put a limit to her appearances in your home. If that means you have to move, then so be it. I just did, because my my moved less than a block away at my old house. You can NOT tell her anything about your family or she'll use that little piece of info. to ruin you. My mother has called child protective services on me, her own blood, when she knows damn well I am a licensed certified teacher and I know much more about raising kids than she does. And I can say this cause we all grew up in foster care. She wants to see her grand kids now and do better with them cause she did terrible with her own. Your husband has probably been subject to this his whole life. You both need to stay on the same page and agree what the boundaries are and enforce them together. Is she married? Does her husband have any say in what she does? My moms bf tries to talk some sense into her and she's been doing well since she's been with him (less than a year). I am constantly on guard with her still. If you would like to discuss anything further, please reply. I'd be happy to help.
L.

Hi J.,

I can somewhat relate. My husband and I have cut off contact with his mother. She does not support our marriage, and it got to the point that her negativity was taking up too much space in our lives, and we were tired of fighting with her (after repeated attempts to work things out). We felt that her influence would be more harmful than helpful to our children in the long run. This is not an easy situation, but I would urge you to have your husband speak to her rather than yourself. Your mother-in-law needs to know that you and your husband are a united front and that he supports you. That is not putting him in the middle--rather, that is him dictating how his family will be treated. You can't tackle her on your own--that will just fuel the fire between the two of you, and she will be even more likely to point the finger at you as the problem. Your argument will be stronger coming from your husband. It sounds like your mother-in-law's behavior is borderline criminal (death threats, attempted identity theft). That kind of behavior is intolerable and potentially emotionally/physically dangerous for you and your children. You need to determine the fine line between what you will tolerate and what you won't. It is not easy, so I wish you the best of luck.

Wow you sure these anit my parents lol Look i understand you dont want to put your husband in the middle of this but he did bring the crazy to the realationship. This woman is evil like a cancer and needs to be cut out. This may seem harsh but I speak from experence it will not be long before she starts telling your child lies about you. Or you husband like i saw her with so and so. So the way I see it you have to choices 1 you and your husband sit her down and call her out on her issues with you let her know you intend to be a family with or with out her and if this does not stop go to opition 2 firmly stand you ground and tell you husband that you and your child will not have anything to do with the mil he can if he wishes ,but he is the key here she will value his opinion you 2 need a united front. dont just ignore it because trust me one day she will be telling you daughter the fire story. I hope this helps you hon if not you could always set her on fire seeing that you are so good at it lol

I know how you feel and after a heart to heart discussion with my husband we cut all ties with her and it has been wonderful she still says hurtful things about us but the people she is telling already know the truth andknow that we have nothing to do with her so there is no belief in her stories so in turn she is losing friends.....and recently she moved to another state we were even more happy it has been 3 years since we spoke....the only thing is your husband has to be on the same page with you....

wow i have the same problems but my mother in law isn't that crazy, but still shes likes to talk bad about me but when shes infront of me she acts all nice. shes two faced and i really hate that.

WOW, it sounds like you have your hands full!! It sounds to me like it's time for your husband to step up to the plate. This is all his. In my opinion you've done all you can do. And who could ask for more?? I think that it has to come from him. Has he tried to set her straight? If not, maybe she thinks he agrees/sides with her. You are extremely patient in my opinion, I don't know how you do it. I think that you have to do something soon. You do not want this woman around your child. Sane MILs can say some pretty mean things to children about their parents. They undermine parent's authority (usually in unintentional ways). But I can't even imagine what your MIL will tell your child. I wish you luck, you obviously have more patience than most people.

My suggestion is to talk to your husband. Does he know of this situation and the servarity of it? You do not want to put your husband in the middle of it, I understand, but this is his mother. She needs to repect you and her son. How is she with your daughter? If nothing is done right now, your daughter will eventually be put in the middle of things and told these lies about you. If you have too, cut her out of your lives as much as possible. Your daughter would be better off not growing up with her grandma in her life then having a very hateful one disrupting her life as she is growing up.
I do not have this problem with my mother in law, but I have seen it before with friends. The mother is so upset that a women has stepped into her shoes and took her baby boy away that she can not stand it. Then again, these people are just hateful people and get pleasure out of hurting others. I can not stand it when they include children in this process. Your daughter is very young right now but she can feel the tention of the situation and it does effect her. You might not think so but kids pick up on many things when you think they are too young. I hope I have been some what helpful. And I pray that things get better for you and your family.

ya know, i dont know what to say... i am so sorry that this is an issue for you... i would definately have my husband be the go-between, and if he refused, then i wouldnt be involved with this women... you mentioned that you wanted her to be involved with your child.. why? if this is her mental state, why would you allow her to be around your child, much less to fill her mind with nonsense. i have a crazy sister in law, who has threatened my life several times and has caused great turmoil for his family since i have known him.. her life has gotten alot better in the last year or so, however even though things are better, she hasnt changed her spots and when an issue came up, she quickly went back to the way she used to be and was extremely nasty.. his mom and even my husband said "oh thats just her, and shes just talk" and so on... but i finally pointed out to them that since they have been dealing with her and her mouth for so long, they are numb to the fact that that behaviour is unexectable and normal ppl dont go around making life threatenting comments.. i have tried and i am not trying anymore and she is no longer in our life and i can promise that my daughter will not be allowed in her presense..

i guess what i am trying to say is that when you have dealt with a person for so long, you get used to their way.. and maybe thats what has happened to your husband.. but regardless, if he isnt going to handle it for what ever reason, then, like i did, i would suggest removing yourself from the insanity..

anyone with good sense isnt going to believe what she says so i wouldnt worry to much about that..

good luck!

Wow. I thought my MIL was crazy. I would definately tell your husband everything. Every last little detail. If I were in your shoes, I'd cut her off completely. Since she has no problem doing these things to you, whats to say she won't do it to your daughter later on in life. That little girl is an extension of you. Since your MIL has treated you so badly, I'd be afraid of her doing the same things to the child just because she's your kid. Wish I had some words of wisdom for you. Good luck!

HI J.,

I SORRY FOR WHAT U ARE GOING THROUGH, BUT U SHOULD NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS, YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO DEAL WITH THIS, BECAUSE YR DAUGHTER AS SHE GETS OLDER SHOULD NOT BE AROUND THIS NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR, AND IF YR MIL IS THIS VICIOUS , YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT SHE MIGHT DO NEXT. SHE MIGHT DO SOMETHING THAT MIGHT NOT BE REPAIRABLE AND CAUSE U AND YR DAUGHTER HARM.TAKE CARE OF THIS NOW, AND GET YR HUSBAND INVOLVED, TELL HIM EVERYTHING NOW, IF YR MIL CAN'T RESPECT U I WOULD LET HER IN TO YR HOME, AND KEEP RECORDS OF EVERYTHING SHE DOES TO U. TELL YR HUSBAND THAT U CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. IS YR HUSBAND FATHER ALIVE AND ARE THEY TOGETHER.

With a smile on my face (which will be difficult at best!), I would respond to any inquiries about your "satanic" rituals with, "Yes, well, my mother-in-law is a very, emotionally troubled woman. We can only pray that she receives the necessary help that she so needs."

Or, if you can't summon the willpower to be nice about your MIL's malicious gossip, you can add fuel to it by responding, "Is that what (MIL'S NAME HERE)is saying this week?"

Keep your husband out of this as she may very well have a plan whereby she wants you and her to fight over him. Also, allow your husband to spend as much time with his mother as she wants; just make "plans" for those moments with your daughter. Good luck!

You should not have to deal with that from anyone. Especially someone from your family. You should distance yourself and your husband needs to protect you from her. When a man gets married his parents are no longer number one. First it is his wife, then come the children, thirdly his parents. If his parents attack his number one then he should be the one to put things right or break the connection. Christianity believes in forgiveness and love for EVERYONE. You didn't say what religion she is or if you are at all, but I can tell you that she is not acting Christian. It sounds like you have had a rough past and this little girl is the bright future. Your daughter should'nt be near a women that treats her mother wrong. If this problem isn't solved once and for all your baby will get to know her grandmother through stories her father tells her, just be sure the stories are positive or neutral because badmouthing someone is'nt the answer and your daughter will be disappointed when she grows up and can hear the truth, but she won't live her childhood with adult burdens. You are the one that birthed your daughter and it's you and your husbands responsibility to raise her with love and without unnecessary heartache. Remember you aren't the one stopping the relationship between grandmother and granddaughter, she is.

Hey,
Your mother-in-law sounds pretty extreme and I can understand your desire not to get your husband in the middle. However, as extreme as this sounds, I will talk to him with evidence at hand of his mother's behavior and try to get him to talk with his mother. My other advice is to ignore her if trying to reason with her has failed on many occasions. Your husband and daughter are the main focus of your life besides GOD, anything else that persists on a negative influence should not be given any thought at all. Your daughter will end up resenting her anyways if she grows up seeing the tension between you both. Best wishes.
T. Fisher

I have to say that if your husband can't help you draw boundaries against this kind of hurtful, damaging, illegal slander, then you have bigger issues on your hands than just a crazy MIL. If you don't have an ally in your SO, then there are more immediate issues at hand.
If he will help you, then it would be a more positive approach to cut that destruction off from your family. That is abusive and destructive and crazy-making. Do other people in your communities understand how outrageous her claims are? She sounds like a really bitter and manipulative person. I'm sorry you are going through this. Find a way to put some distance there, and do it soon.

I know that some people may think this is cruel but DO you really want your daughter around someone like that? I know she is your husband's mother but if he wants his daughter to grow up with morals and be a good person it sounds like hanging about her wouldnt help you two achieve that goal. I know how hard it is, I have basically told most of MY family to go ot hell becuase I can;t stand the way they are. I do not want my children to know ignorant people, they are going to meet alot of people like that in life and I personally don't want to subject my children to that anymore than they need to be. I think you need to sit down wiht your husband and have a heart to heart with him. If she is going around telling lies about you than he needs to put his foot down. Its going to be one of the most worst things you ever do but in the long run it will be worth it. Maybe telling her she can;t see your daughter becuase of the way she acts will be a wake up call so to speak. Just know that it may also make things worse. If there are police reports filied under false pretenses than she will have to be the one to deal with those concequenses. I know it puts you through hell but ever thing of moving to another town. LOL I had to do that in order to make sure my children were safe. Good Luck!

I agree that your husband needs to take a stand against her. He needs to tell her exactly how you feel and how its hurting you. Its not your fault that she is the way she is, and yes she is entitled to her opinion. but, if it continues, its going to come back to your daughter. And when she is old enough to understand whats going on, its going to hurt her too. if you need to remove your mother in law from the picture to protect you child from the slander, then that how you need to do it. maybe it will be a wake up call for your mother in law.

Hi J.,

Tell her that if you DID know how to practice satanic rituals, it would've been HER house that had burned! (with her in it!) lol

First of all, if these people believed her, they wouldn't come up to you and tell you anything. They'd buzz behind your back.

It sounds like you're stuck with crazy; but at least it's crazy that everyone can see and hear. I wouldn't deny my daughter knowing her grandma, either...but visits would DEFINITELY be supervised! Kids are smart, and your daughter will figure out how crazy is as crazy does. She'll respect you for you, not for what she hears. She may ask you about what she hears, but the ball is still in your court.

I know it's alarming to think that someone would insinuate ANY sort of negligence, (I got all fluffed-up and flipped-out when @ 3 months my daughter had a really bad case of diaper rash, and my MIL asked 'how did she get that?' ...whatdoyoumeanHOWDIDSHEGETTHAT?), especially when it involves such a traumatic event like a house fire. Luckily, it's just her opinion; she's not your insurance company or anyone who has any sort of authority whatsoever. Maybe let her know that the people she's telling actually have YOUR back, that they mentioned it out of care and concern (that some crazy bitty was saying such things!) and the reason for the fire was thus and such.

Expecting her to have any respect or honesty for you seems like it would be a very long wait, and probably pretty unrealistic. Is there the possiblity that you could just laugh it off? Like 'is that what the old hoot is up to these days?!'.

{When I became an adult, I wanted to discuss some crazy stuff that went on in my family with my Mom, who denied any sort of anything ever taking place, no memory of anything at all. (from the way she remembers it, I must have been the only kid in America to have had an absolutely perfect childhood!) All I really wanted her to do was ackowledge it, accept her role in it, tell me she loves me, always has, and that she did her best at the time. This just wasn't going to happen. An epiphany soothed my charred heart when I had the thought that it was like I was insisting that she speak Spanish or German, and she just didn't have a bilingual bone in her body. She wasn't going to be able to speak to me in the language of love that I craved, no matter how many discussions I would open and continue to torture myself with. It really was just water under the bridge, and the only healing that was going to happen was up to me. Divorcing her was not an option, just had to chalk it up.}

To add yet another cliche here..."if it walks like a duck...". No one believes a word that comes out of her church-goin mouth. Unfortunately, it's entertaining to people to hear crazy stuff, makes them feel normal. Just as she is talking about someone you barely recognize (even though it's you!), I would listen with a detached observance, thinking the whole time that this woman is just plain crazy. Laughter may be your best medicine here, tho I know it won't be easy. Remember that it's just some sort of absurd hobby, all this creativity. Hang in there! Hope this helps, Good Luck, A.

Good golly--I thought my parents were nuts.

Unfortunately, it sounds like taking a break from this woman is the only thing to do. You don't want to show your daughter that the way your MIL decided to live is normal. You also don't want her to see that its ok to treat Mommy that way, or worse, that women in general are treated this way or that women treat each other this way.

As difficult as it may seem, perhaps distancing yourself from your MIL is best.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your smart, beautiful daughter.

Very good luck and blessings to all of you.

I feel very sorry for you. I don't have a relationship with my mother in law and my son hardly knows her either. My mother is the best grandma for him and I truly believe that one set of grandparents is just fine. I would just cut off all contact with her and if she wants to see your daughter than she needs to speak to your husband and he can bring her over for a visit. Your husband needs to be put in the middle of this because he is the only reason you're putting up with her. Stand strong and don't let her ruin your life or your daughters. Good luck.

all i can is say is WOW. at first.
The thing that bothers me is that your husband/her son hasn't done anything about this. even if he isn't aware to what extent has your MIL badmouthed you he must be aware of police reports and such.
if he is, he needs to get his act together. just because she's the grandma doesn't entitle her to be around this child if parents are against her presence. if she really is a threat to you, even if not to your baby girl.
so i would suggest you sit down and tell your husband about everything. better yet, bring in someone who ahs been telling you about her to talk to him. that way he'll get information firsthand.
good luck
vlora

What does your hubby say about this? Its his mom, I would have him talk to her. If she can't stop you may need to take some time away from her. Its not bad if you stop talking to her for some time and allow her to get some help, if she wont get help its not good to allow her to poison you and your child. Family is great but when family acts like this its doesn't help anyone.

BTW, what she is doing is NOT Christian, I hope you don't think this is acceptable to all Christians. It sounds to me like she may need some counceling, why is she so angry?

I do believe you may have to have your husband talk to her.This is not right for her to act this way. Are you sure the mil has no psychological problems????

That just sounds like a scary situation. I do understand your not wanting to feel like you are "tattling" to your husband about his mother as some people do that and it is annoying. I think you are in a situation that is beyond that though. I imagine you husband must be aware of some of her pranks since she's involved the police. He really needs to step in and take control and let her know in no uncertain terms that this will end or the relationship will. Based on her history of behaviors I don't think it'd be unreasonable for him to recommend/request that she seek psychiatric help as well to continue this relationship. It is obvious that your mother-in-law is unstable and while you hate to deny a child their grandparent, I can't imagine that you want her influencing your young child or doing something off the wall that would put your child in harm's way. From the sounds of it, you should have grounds to file for a restraining order against her which may not be an altogether bad plan in order to have it documented that she may be dangerous or has at least put the threats out there. Good Luck!