Need Help with Friend

She sounds like she may be depressed. I don't know exactly how you cam help her, but she may need treatment, either medication or therapy.

It's tough trying to make someone realize it's their attitude that needs to change. They really have to realize it themselves. You could suggest reading some books for relaxation and meditation. Deepak Chopra is a great positive thinking writer.

Hi there,

That really sucks for your friend. But, you sound like a really great friend because you want to help her out. Being on the outside, you can see the situation more clearly; you get that it's her attitude that will make her be alone. That type of attitude carries over in the way you speak with others, your nonverbal behaviors, etc... No guy wants to be with someone who isn't happy with herself.

I get that talking with her gets her mad. It probably makes her feel uncomfortable. Just my guess.

I would write her a letter. Don't tell her you are going to do it, just write a letter and mail it to her. Include a little post it note attached to the letter that reads something like: Read this when you have a few minutes. I love you.

In your letter, acknowledge that you know she is pissed off and upset with the direction of her life. Acknowledge that you don't understand exactly how she is feeling (you're married now with a child), but say that you can only imagine. Acknowledge that you can't try to make her feel better about her circumstances, and that this letter isn't going to "fix" anything. Rather, it's just an attempt to let her know that you love her, care about her, and want her to be happy with her life.

But that has to start with her. Tell her that. Only she is in control of whether she's going to be covered in cat hair the rest of her life or not. Say something like, "Here's some ideas I thought of to 'shake things up for you.' Granted, some are stupid and some are kinda neat, but I just wanted to throw them out there for ya." Brainstorm a list of things that gets her out of what she is currently doing. What are her interests? Cooking? Tell her to take a cooking class. Photography? Tell her to look into that. If she's into reading, tell her to look into a bookclub that has both men and women. Put something crazy on the list like quitting her job and moving someplace new. Hey, you never know.

Again, let her know that you care about her and just want to see her happy.

Good luck. T. :)

I wish you luck.

Hi EB Your friend needs time on her own. Time for her to continue her education, work on futhering her career, and to find some faith in something. She has to be able to live with herself before she can live with or love someone else. 30 isn't over the hill. It's hard being the "only" one without a special someone within a group of friends...but she is not alone. Encourage her to go back to school, take up a hobby, to do something other than look for a guy. When she is ready he will find her somehow. And that usually happens when your not looking at all. Best wishes.

Hi, E.B.

Thanks for being a compassionate friend.

Look on the web and find a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting
schedule near where she lives.

Get the information about what a Co-Dependent is and give it to her.

Learn to use I statementw with her. Her attitude is affecting you. She needs to held accountable for her behavior/attitude.

Start with this formula:

I feel______________
State how you feel.
When I____________
Identify the problem.
Because______________
Say why you feel this way
and I need__________
Propose how to resolve it.

Good luck. Thanks for caring. D.

Hi E B,
I hope she can work through this tough time. That's all it is, is to work it out. Does she go out, belong to anything, do anything in the community? Maybe she's meeting people, specifically men in the wrong places. Not sure a book will cure all. Will she go talk to someone not for advice but to let it all out. Good luck to you and her!

I don't really have much to say to this...:( but my mom has always said about any situation, if someone doesn't want help, there is no helping them! She has to want you to help her. I think if you just throw in something about her attitude every once in a while, not harping on her, she'll realize.

Your friend needs to find happiness within herself, NOT with a man! As someone who has been married twice, I wish I could go back to 30 and do things very differently! Marriage isn't all sunshine and roses and neither is having children, no one is living a fantasy life of happiness so I'm not sure what she is imagining this to be. Marriages are HARD work and take a whole lot of energy and time and children are even harder!

Remind her that there are a MILLION women out there who only WISH they could be in her shoes, coming and going as she pleases with no one to report to, being able to sleep in if she wants to, watch whatever she wants on tv. Sure, it can be lonely but I will say that my divorced and single friends are the most content and happy!

You could also try the tough love thing with her, though she might be mad at you for a few days. Tell her to stop feeling sorry for herself, that its extremely unattractive and the kind of guy someone like that attracts isn't good!

You are a good friend!

I'm probably not a good person to comment as I have been happily married for 11 years and have 3 kids. Maybe you should let her vent and "get this out of her system." Not everyone gets married and has kids. My younger sis is 30, not married and has no kids so I do understand how you feel. If she will meet someone she has to do this on her own. You sound like a good friend so just support her in whatever happens.

Your friend needs to go out and meet some single people. If she does any sport west chester or phil sports and social is a great way to meet single people in a fun causual way. I was in a long relationship until 33 and then single for 5 years when I meet my husband. I now have two kids. Let her know she is still young. so many people are having children and marriage later. Also I believe there is a book out there about picking the right guy. She do need to be happy living by herself too. It's hard in the begining but she can do it. Good luck and my prayers are with her.

After my husband left, I read a Joel Olsteen book, I think it was become a better you...something like that. Now, I am not religious but I love his inspiration. Its a great book and I passed it on to my neice and then she passed it on to her friend. I actually would like to read it again. It is worth the time and money.

Youre a good friend, I hope it works out well for both of you.

Dying alone at 30???!!!! FOR GOD SAKES, please remind this girl how young she is. And MEAN it! She is definitely making herself a victim of peer envy. Take it from genX-ers who lived in big cities in our youths (seems different in our neck of PA now), none of us would have touched a wedding ring with a 10 foot pole before 30. I met my husband at 31, had no intention of marrying him until I got pregnant at 35 and we just had number 3 and I'm 39. This is pretty spritely since our other friends had their first closer to 40 or even over 40. And of course many of our friends happily arent' married and don't have kids. True, when we moved to rural PA, we were the oldest people in our child birthing class....but heck, she truly is young. Plus, we still find that our closest friends here our age are childless and single and happy-so quit the pity party!

With the right attitude she's got years before she needs to worry. And she has online dating on her side. Us oldies had to rely completely on the universe to put someone in our path. She can take action. Good luck helping her get happy-it's almost impossible to change someone's attitude, but for real, tell her she's young!

well,it is hard when you are the only one of your friends that does not have kids. In my situation I did not have kids and went through some bad break ups myself. I felt the same way your friend did at times but in my situation would die alone with my birds. I think when you finally stop looking you will find somebody. Another option which i heard it good is eharmony and match.com. It is hard when you keep meeting people and it does not work out. She will have to change her attitude but she needs to realize that for herself. I finally met my fiancee almost five years ago. I have a beautiful two year old son with him. I am not the most religious person but believe that god will only give you what you can handle. good luck and keep being a good friend to her.

Wow! Sounds like she has very low self esteem. She should probably talk to someone who can actually HELP her--like a counselor. (Not that as a friend, you can't listen, but you really can't help with this.)

I have a best friend, that I've known since the age of 6 mos. She got married 3 years ago, for the first time, at the age of 42. She was single a looooong time. Never had too many long term relationships either. She's a smart, well-educated, funny very successful woman and, I think, a lot of guys were intimidated by her. But you know what? She never whined about being single, alone, etc. She did what she wanted and went where she wanted (including a week-long trip through Ireland & Scotland, and a long weekend in Paris!). Her logic: If I wait for a MAN, I may never do all these things I want to do. She had the self esteem and resources to do as she pleased. Se she didn't NEED a man, she wanted O....and eventually... the right O. came along. Guess where she met him? At a mixer in her hotel in Detroit where she went SOLO to the Super Bowl.
I guess my point is, you can't really DO anything to help/change her.
A lot of people are not meant for marriage and kids. Maybe she is, maybe she's not. I know O. thing, if more people were pickier about WHICH man to marry, not just finding A MAN to marry--the world would be a better place!
Encourage her to live for the day, reach higher and not to put her plans on the back burner "until this or that". Does she know that any guy is not better than no guy at all? The power of positive thought is an awesome thing.

I have a cousin who at the age of 23 still lived at home and never had a boyfriend and said things like that all the time. I finally convinced her to move in with me in a different town away from her parents and start mingling, meeting new people. She had low self esteem. Always talked about how depressed she was. She started seeing a guy I introduced her to. 3 years later they are still together. That may sound great but its not. He cheats, she cries, they fight, I go pick her up just so she can go running back to him. And she still keeps with the "Im depressed." If I kiss my boyfriend around her she says things like all that lovey dovey stuff makes me sick. Ive told her that her attitude drives men away. But she doesnt listen. Im really no help but my only response to that kind of quote is "because that's the way you want it." It makes her angry but eventually she learned that Im not gonna put up with the negativity and she lightens up.

Tell her to get rid of all cats and pets. They will only make her want more, to replace the lack of love in her life. She can have 1 dog if she feels she needs for protection. I know of a set of sisters all over 40, not married, no children, all living together. And after their mother passed it was discovered that they had near 100 cats in their house. It was CRAZY!
If she can be happy for you and her other friends and find things in life that make her happy... Love will find her. This man will want to marry her. The children will come when they are ready. She will find that she has to do nothing, but continue being happy. A good and worthy man will do his best to make sure that she stays happy. And if at any time the man in her life tries to take her happiness away, she can walk. She has that power. And she will be smarter and more confident for it. Understanding that she is worthy of a man that will love her unconditionally, and she doesn't have to be anything but herself. AND he will love every bit of her.
There is someone for everyone. Once she becomes happy with herself and becomes her best self, the best man for her will just be drawn to her and never want to let go. There will be some losers drawn to her too, but at that point she will be confident enough in her self to weed them out and not waste her time.
Good Luck! And hang in there. Bitter woman need friends too. :-)

Sounds like my brother who is now 53 and still not married. It got to the point where you can only be so supportive and they just want to stew in their own misery. I just finally told my brother that if he was going to be a misery person when I'm around that he could either shut his mouth or go elsewhere. It just gets ridiculous. We can't save these people. I've tried books and all of that but only THEY can help themselves. I gave my brother the choice to be the best uncle in the world or a miserable human being. He chose to ignore his own niece and nephews and be a miserable human being. So be it. I could not get sucked into his misery, and that's what he wanted whether he was willing to admit that or not. He only got worse from age 30. And every break up after that was worse and worse because in his mind it meant he'd be alone forever and why live. He was reminded by all he wasn't alone but HE chose the route he's on. No one can make someone happy. Until they realize that having a man or woman in their life does not equal happiness, they can't be helped. Until they learn that children does equal family then they'll continue to be lost. I wish I could be more help but don't allow yourself to get sucked into your friend's choice in life to be miserable. It's not good for you or your own family.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat
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sounds like your friend is in a rut. Exercise can help with bad moods. Has she tried eharmony, match etc? ONe of those might work. I have a friend like this and it has taken her a long time to finally get on a website dating service. Unfortunately she had to do it at her own pace. good luck.

Hi EB,

You are clearly a good friend who is worried and concerned for your girlfriend. She sounds like she is having a rough time and it might be a bit difficult for her to hear your advice since it seems that in her eyes you might not "get it" as you have everything she wants, i.e., a relationship and a family. Maybe what she needs right now is someone who just listens and is willing to love her as she is without having to change. She needs to come to her own conclusions about what might be important and what should be adjusted. You can't make things better for her without her cooperation, but you can be there when she decides to make changes and support her along the way. She is lucky to have someone who really cares and wants the best for her. However, sometimes the best takes a while so try to be patient with her. Good luck!