Need Help with 3 1/2 Yr Old Eating!

Lots of good advice I will probably be using later with my daughter. I can personally attest to the pickiness being related to food-sensitivity. My whole life I have had an aversion to eggs. It wasn't the concept of where they came from or the taste, just something about them always made me instantly nauseous. By the time I was old enough to explain this to my parents, they already had decided that I was just "prissy" about them and would always give me grief for not "giving them a chance". I don't know about you, but something that makes me sick to my stomach isn't terribly appealing to try. Also, I always tended to avoid whole grain breads/muffins that were supposed to be healthy for me, come to find out I have a gluten issue too. Just something to think about.

After 4 kids, 8 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren, I can tell you not to worry. When she starts school she should start eating. The first yr of their life they eat good. Until they start school, they eat on the run or not at all. Doctor told me a long time ago not to worry (yeah like that will happen). Anyway if her health worries you, let her eat on the run (snack) and when she starts school she should start eating. It happens with most kids.
grams B.

hi, I wouldn't worry too much. At this age it is normal for kids not to eat all especially at one time. Their attention span is short and the only thing on their mind is playing. This is all info from a nutritionist that my daughter is under. With my daughter I let her "take a break" and leave her plate out and she always comes back to it. Or while she is playing, I tell her to come take a bite and she'll take a bite, play and have her take another bite. Sometimes it helps when I sit her down and feed her myself just to get it done. I do tell her that only babies get fed like this, but she doesn't care. She thinks it's fun and wants me to do airplane or choo choo train. I'll go with it, if i'm in the mood and the food gets done. My son who is 14 and another daughter who is now 6 went through the same thing as well as my daughter now who is 4. I've used the same method on all of them and the food eventually gets done. Good luck!

Hi F. -

Don't worry so much about your daughter eating - it has turned into a power struggle that is a no-win situation for anyone. Kids often go through this at this age- if you take the power struggle out of it, it will become a non-issue.

Kids eat when they are hungry - sometimes they need a lot less food than at other times - and when they need it, they eat it.

Some suggestions: Don't let her fill up on juice or milk outside of mealtimes - when she is thirsty, give her water.

Make food available only at mealtimes - when mealtimes are over, the kitchen is 'closed' and no food is available until the next meal or snack, if necessary. If she doesn't eat at a mealtime, you can bet she will be hungry for the next meal.

If a child chooses to skip 1 or 2 meals in a day, they aren't going to die. Just let your daughter know she can't come back in 20 minutes after lunch to eat - she will have to wait for dinner. This allows kids to self regulate - if they need the food, they eat it, if they don't, they won't, and it's all OK - forcing kids to eat leads to a lot of bad habits and later issues with food and eating - not anywhere you want to go.
Relax, and don't worry-!!

Good luck -

My kids loved the melamine plates with the separate sections for their foods. It keeps food in small portions and doesn't overwhelm the child. Look for these at Target in the section with plates, etc. Mine had 5 sections and I'd put a little fruit in one, some veggie in another, the larger one usually held the meat/fish, etc., another a piece of bread or bagel, potato or pasta in the last. I'd ask where they wanted to put the items (mine had farm scenes on them) and usually even my pickiest would eat up.

Keep in mind that you don't want to make this a power struggle. If she sees this bothers you (and not dad), this is one thing in her life she can completely control. Take her with you to pick out the plate or surprise her and wrap it up. They also have matching bowls.

My mom once told me there are two things you cannot control about a child, what goes into them and what comes out. You can only offer good choices. I agree with all the advice given here, especially removing the power struggle! Good luck, I have a horriblly picky eater too. It is NOT easy!

Hi F.- I don't know if this works with all kids, but my mother used to make me sit at the table until my dinner was eaten to her satisfaction. I have done the same for kids in my care. The food was cold and eventually tasted terrible, but it did not matter. Then if I would not eat it, I was to wait until the next meal to eat, regardless.
Hope this helps
-E.

Hi, F.,
I think you have received a lot of great advice! I definitely agree that you should NOT be making it a power struggle. I have a 3.5 year old son and he gets to decide how much he eats and what. I coax him, but if he absolutely does not want to eat something, then, no problem! He doesn't have to eat it. When he says he is full, I pretty much let him go from the table. it is really easy going around here. Sometimes when it is lights out, he decides he is hungry (even if he has already eaten a proper dinner), so I sit him back at the table and if there was something he didn't eat earlier, I will offer that and say, "you can eat this or we can go to bed now". If he really is hungry, he will choose to eat it. If I don't have leftovers, I just give him cereal, but believe me, he does not survive on cereal alone. He eats great and even though he may not choose to eat everything I serve, he is willing to try new things, because I am not forcing things onto him. A lot of times, he will eventually eat something the fifth or sixth time I am serving it. Please don't punish your little girl for not wanting to eat. They say it takes 10 times of serving the same food for kids to want to taste it. So, don't get discouraged if she is picky. Just keep serving it over time and eventually, she will try it. She may watch you eating it many times and then get curious about how it tastes. The more pleasant you can make meal times, the better eater she will become. If you make it stressful, she will start feeling defensive anytime mealtimes come up and I am sure that is not what you want. As long as you are offering healthy foods to her, let her decide how much she wants to eat and what. There is nothing wrong with trying to coax, but it needs to be gently and pleasant, not to the point that you are threatening, punishing or bribing. I also ask my 3.5 year old if he is ready for dinner. I have this luxury, because my husband works evenings, so it is just my son, my infant and me. So i try to make it when he is hungry, that way he will eat more. Good luck and congrats on the upcoming arrival of your baby!

Most little kids are grazers. Think of a cow. It eats all day long. Kids do that too. Try filling a muffin tin (the 6 hole ones are good) with yogurt, diced apples, carrots, ranch dressing, pretzels, cooked noodles, etc and put it down on the dining room chair or some other place at eye level (that is easy to clean up). You'll be surprised how much she actaully eats. Kids won't starve themselves. As long as she is losing weight, is (basically) happy, and growing she is probally eating enough. I wouldn't be too jealous of dad being able to get her to eat... soon enough she won't eat for him (or even want to be around him) and will only want you. Then it will reverse again! Good luck, I hope you find what works for you both.

You have received some good advice here; one thing that struck me about your situation is that you mention you are expecting another baby soon. Please consider that this conflict over food may be a way for your daughter to be certain that she is getting your attention. For kids, even negative attention is better than what they perceive as a reduction in attention.

Your daughter may feel worried about the addition to the family in a way that she can't explain, however she knows that if she does not eat, she will get noticed by you. That might also be why she does not have the same issue with dad, because she is not worried about getting less attention from him.

If you can, let dad deal with the mealtimes, and you do what you can to give her reassurance and love and attention, now and after the baby is born. She'll have to eventually adjust to the situation, of course, however for now let go of this battle. As others have said, she won't starve, and you don't want to create food/control issues that could lead to eating disorders when she is older.

Hi F.,
I teach cooking classes for kids and often give workshops to parents about how to deal with eating and feeding your kids.

The first thing I noticed from your post is that you are making a very big deal out of what your daughter chooses or doesn't choose to do about eating her meals. The result of this behavior is that she may eventually have big issues about food...something that can be dangerous for girls, especially.

As a parent, your job is to set the time for meals and to provide healthy food choices. You also have to allow your daughter to make some choices of her own. If you give her the opportunity to eat, you need to allow her to decide IF and HOW MUCH she wants to eat. She should not be punished for these choices, especially if you have given her healthy foods to choose from. If she is hungry, she will eat. No kid has ever willingly starved herself.

Please be patient with her and give her structure around meal time and good foods to choose from and then let her take it from there. By punishing her for not eating, you are creating a big power struggle that you can't win.

Good luck!

My daughter went through the same phase and it is so frustrating. I now offer different dipping sauces (catsup, mustard, ranch, humus, pureed veggies) and she loves to dip everything. I also make small pizzas on English muffins and make smiley faces out of pepperoni and olives. She digs it. Hope these ideas help you!

Hello,

My son is a picky eater too. He is five now, but as long as I can remember meal times have always been a struggle. It used to drive me crazy that he would only eat certain things. So naturally, I would try to make him "try" new healthy stuff. It was always a battle. Until one day I got the best advice from one of his preschool teachers. She said, "Who cares if all he wants to eat is PB&J for lunch everyday, he gets so excited and eats every bite. When you send him ham and cheese or turkey, it's a different story, he gets sad and it is like its a chore." She said that her daughter ate a ham & cheese sandwich everyday for lunch until she was in 8th grade! To this day, when we are having "food issues" I hear her telling that story in my head and I take a deep breath and realize that everything is ok. Sounds silly, I know, but the moral of the story is: At least he's eating!

Good Luck.

Hi. Try letting her help make the meals. A little 'ownership' may make the meal more meaningful to her. Plus, you will probably have fun!

Hi, as long as your daughter is not underweight, do not force her to eat. 3 1/2 is just right for a food strike b/c doing other stuff is so much fun. This is a big snacker stage so get out the carrots and ranch, apples, crackers, cheese. HOWEVER, we don't want to encourage an all night buffet, either. Dinner time is different from other meals that we busy moms have to deal with. here's what to do. put dinner on the table. Tell her she has to at least try one bite of each thing on her plate. If she is excused from the table, she must go play in her room (no tv) until everyone is finished eating. here's the clincher, do not give her anything to eat or drink (except water) after dinner. Once excused from the table, there's no coming back, so she can't play, then snack, then play then snack. We use dinner time as a time to visit and reinforce restaurant behavior. she is old enough to understand that it is time to eat, BUT only expect a 3 1/2 year old to be at the table 15 minutes if she is an active child. Use this time to ask her about her day. My son has ants-in-his pants at dinner time, too but we make sure he stays for a little while.

You don't even need to leave it out necessarily. I have the same issue with my 2.5 yr old. I only seem to have this problem with dinner though. So I start by first seeing if he wants something else to eat. I understand that he doesn't necessarily like everything that the family eats (such as he is not big on eating meat, especially beef). So I offer a couple of healthy alternatives that are easy to fix up (I figure when he is older if he decides he doesn't like what I choose for the rest of the family then he can make whatever he wants himself with help from me.) If he doesn't want any of those options I tell him that the food that he has is what is for dinner and that that time is dinner time. If he does not want to eat then he needs to understand that he is not going to get any more chance to eat. I request that he shows me that he understands (you could even have your daughter repeat back what you said and ask her if she understands that.) The other thing you can do is get your daughter involved in chosing the meal and making it. At this age children are all about becoming independent (sometimes it can feel like what you are really dealing with is a teenager). By involving her, like asking her what type of vegetable your family should have that night or which of 3 main dishes you guys should make together, you give her a chance to show her independence and its more likely she will want to eat the food. You can involve her in making dinner by doing simple things like helping open cans (with you being hands on) and opening bags (like noodles or cheese)and pouring things into pots and pans. It also gives some great together time for you and her.

Having a child help make meals can make a simple task much more complicated and more drawn out but it can save a lot of fights and it helps teach her good skills.

Good luck!

your girl is a little older than my kid, but we have been making up silly little songs (basically just the word of the vegetable sung in a different silly tune) to help him be inspired to eat the right stuff. it totally works, and it helps to reduce your frustration level because you are acting silly. it wont work forever, but it could be a nice bridge. we also use bribery in the form of a glass of milk or extra meat, both of which he loves. at the end of the day, though, i have decided i would rather let my kid go hungry than have battles at the table.

If dad can do it and you can't she may be trying to push your buttons. Don't get upset about it. Put the food on the table in front of her. Tell her lunch will be over in 15 minutes. When time is up put the food away and "close the kitchen". In my house that means no more food until the next meal time. She will either get hungry enough to eat at the next meal or realize that it isn't a problem for you any longer and no fun to push your buttons so she might as well eat. Give her daily vitamins to reasure yourself she is getting some nutrition during this trying time. Remember, her physical body knows what it needs. If she is in desperate need of nutrients, she will eat.

F.:

She will not starve and she will eat when she is hungry. It sounds like you are steeled for a fight every time and you are losing. She might be a grazer and not be much of an eater.

The easiest way to sure that she will eat is to make sure she is hungry. Is she getting snacks a hour before mealtime? Maybe she isn't hungry. Do remember that she does not need that much to eat at this age. We have a rule in our house the five bite rule. He has to take at least 5 bites of his dinner before he says he is done and no dessert for at least 30 minutes.

Lastly, I would ask her to help you prepare the meals. My son started cooking with me at about 2 1/2- we have made quiche, soups, chicken, etc. He loves to stir, break the eggs, measure the ingredients (teaches math at the same time), prepare the pan, set the timer, etc. He always eats what he cooks.

Good luck!

N.

the old saying you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink comes to mind. You can put the food down, sit the child at the table, but in the end it's up to the child to put the food in their mouth. Your child will not starve herself. I would offer food at meal times (not fix it first in case she doesn't want to eat - no food wasted.) If she says she does not want to eat, fine, don't make her anything but don't allow her to eat until the next meal is offered. She won't suck up and blow away! If she says she does want to eat and food is made, she must eat it. If she only eats a little and then says she's done, fine but that same meal will be waiting for her the next time food is offered. Your child will eat - she will not starve herself. She just needs to know that food is offered/served at meal time and if she wants to eat fine, if not fine but she does have to wait until the next meal is offered - she does not control meal times, you do. I don't believe it does anyone any good to try to threaten/brow-beat a child into eating. When she goes through a growth spurt, she will eat like a bottomless pit. she may not be going through a spurt now and perhaps not have a large apetite. I can still tell when my six year old is going to grow because she becomes a bottomless pit and then like overnight her appetite decreases. don't worry - she wont' starve!

Kids will eat when they are hungry. My almost 4 year old son went from eating anything you put in front of him to nearly nothing. I provide lots of healthy and fun options in the fridge or cabinets where he can reach (like carrot sticks adn ranch, pretzels, yogurt, sliced melon, hard boiled eggs, sliced cheese, crackers, turkey jerky, grapes, apples, bananas) and I limit sweets until after he's had real food. My biggest challenge is trying to get him to join us for a meal...I grew up with us sitting down together to eat dinner and I want that for my family too but in the end I'd just rather not fight about it. For some reason he prefers to drink instead of eat..so I make sure he's got access to milk, water and luckily he likes V8. Good luck!

Hi there!
In my experience with two little picky eaters, I just let them eat when they want! With my oldest I was completely stressed out because all my little guy would eat was oatmeal! Oatmeal for breakfast. Oatmeal for lunch. and oatmeal for dinner! It was driving me mad. With the second, (who is two now), I just let him get hungry. But the catch is, he can only eat at the appropriate time. For instance, at breakfast time I say "Jason, you ready to eat?" he says "No!" I say "Okay but no food until lunch time." So by the time lunch time rolls around he's hungry and he eats! And in addition to that, whatever is for breakfast he can only eat that if he gets hungry before lunch. This seems to work and it's a lot less stressful on me! He is getting used to eating when we all eat because he doesn't want to get left out! Just do whatever you can to make it easier on yourself! Forget the books and don't feel guilty, she won't starve! She may just be acting this way to get attention. Good luck and congratulations!

All the other advice is great. I only have one idea to add... the one teaspoon plate.
Often I've seen adults pile food on a plate in such quantity that it overwhelms the child. We used the salad plates from our regular dishes with our children rather than special child plates. That gave them more of the idea that they were on a par with the adults. Each item of the meal was served in a one teaspoon amount on the plate. Once they had at least tasted everything, they could then ask for as much more of what they liked as they wanted, but didn't have to have any more of the things they didn't like or weren't in the mood for that day. Also, as one person said, don't allow filling up on milk or juice. One glass of milk at the meal should suffice unless the child is eating well, and then asks for more.

First off, do not punish for not eating!!! Just dont offer snacks later. Your kid will eat when she is hungry, you don't want to give her food issues. Sometimes they will only want to eat one thing for a few weeks! like oranges. That's ok-oranges are good for you. Just make sure the food offered is nutricious, that's ALL you have to do, you cannot make her eat. And leave it out - she will come back to it WHEN HUNGRY. (this doesnt work for things that get yukky like cereal & milk) And offer her like 5 meals a day-lil kids need more (SMALL) meals. ANd don't put out too much! you can get more out but wasting is annoying, right? "be a taster, not a waster" You only have to provide the food. Kids are funny, they will go through spells of being ravenous and then hardly any appetite-it usually ties in to growth spurts, so let it be and do not offer any junky foods. My granndaugter is 5 and takes an hour to eat sometimes, other times she wolfs it down. Good luck.

Eating is a common battleground because it's something that a little one can control. The best thing is to stop battling and praise her for everything she does eat. Forget about punishing her over eating. Make it positive. Put the food in front of her, model good eating and be patient. Don't give snacks to make up for meals. Just have regularly scheduled meals and snacks. It will take time for her to grow out of it. Be patient and positive.

OOOOOOH HOney!
She has got your number!!!
My grandma used to appeal to my girlish vanity to get me to eat a hated veggie - spinach - green beans - She would tell me it will make my hair grow long and shiny like a princess - I would choke it down with determination - who doesn't want princess hair?? Maybe play cooking with her and have her "cook" you a meal and eat it with her - tea party could be fun too. Can she help you cook a little in the kitchen? I let my son stir or add the cheese or a pre-measured ingredient - he loves it!
Stop making it an issue - my son is a picky eater and was preemie and underweight as a baby so we were a little crazy about watching every bite. I finally got fed up when he was about 2 1/2 at lunch one day and told him I didn't care if he ate - but he wasn't going to get big and strong like Daddy if he didn't eat his food. Now he asks me if a food will make him big and strong or not. It's cute - he tries to flex his arms.
Anyway - try a new approach - make it fun and avoid the treats until she gets good food in her tummy.

F.,

Working in the schools with preschools who are picky eaters and having two nephews who are extremly picky eaters, I second the advice others have mentioned. However, I would also like to add a few suggestions: 1) sometimes children are picky eaters due to a sensetivity or aversion of certain textures, thus you may want to look at the types of foods she really likes to eat and find other foods with similar textures (crunchy, liquid, salty, sweet, soft...); 2) Sometimes a visual schedule can take the power struggle out of a mealtime. You can draw a picture or use post-its with the #'s 1-3 next to number one write/draw what your daughter usually does before dinner (e.g.: help make dinner, help set the table, play...), then write/draw eat dinner next to number 2, then have her choose what special thing she would like to do after dinner (when she eats her entire meal) with you and/or your husband for #3. She gets to cross out the things or crumple the post-its as she completes each thing. If she chooses not to eat then tall her the schedule says you have to eat before we ... (#3). This puts the control into the schedule and she thinks she has some power becasue she helped create it. Hope this helps.

I don't like the power struggle at dinner. We have decided to offer a dinner with three items on the plate, one of which we know he likes. Oh, and milk is offered too. He has the choice of eating or not, but we do not offer any snacks after dinner. Needless to say, he often goes to bed hungry. We had a breakthrough a few weeks ago when big sis asked for and got a cookie for dessert and my picky guy did not. He suddenly decided to eat his chicken and corn so he could have a cookie!!! We don't have dessert every night, but it sure worked that day!
Good luck!
D.

Remember that a 3 1/2 yo can feel full on a small amount of food.

DONT make it a power struggle!! (My 6yo now refuses to eat because that is the only thing he can control.)

Don't let her eat anything an hour or so before mealtimes. That was what helped us a lot.
This may mean making sure she has a good snack (crackers, apples, good cookies, whatever) about 1 1/2 -2 hrs before dinnertime. Then nothing until dinnertime.

Dipping sauces are great and little ones are really into it.

Another thing that has really helped with eating his dinner is to NOT give him any dessert/bedtime snack after dinner UNLESS he's eaten all his dinner. (put reasonable amounts on his plate) Once he is done with dinner, and dinner isn't gone, that becomes his bedtime snack if he is hungry later. He usually will clean it up SO that he can get dessert (usually icecream or something desserty, which is fine as he is skinny)

F.,

I second the recommendation for the book, Child of Mine by Ellen Satter. By getting into eating struggles with a child, you can create eating disorders. or at least unhealthy views around eating. Another book, by the same author is How to Get your Child To Eat, and it actually goes from infant to teenager, whereas Child of Mine just goes from infant to preschooler. Feeding is pretty straightforward, you have the responsibility to provide healthy food (a good selection at meal times) and the times to eat (three meals with snacks), but do not allow your child to "panhandle" during non-meal and non-snack times. It is your child's responsibility to eat or not and to choose what to eat (from what you have set out for the meal).

Hi F.,
Children are erratic eaters--that is just the way it is. I always advise parents in my practice to not worry too much unless there is a clear metabolic dysfunction. It sounds to me like she is just acting like a typical 3 year old. As parents, we provide good foods and a nice space to eat. We can provide guidelines about sitting at the table, et. But we can't force our children to eat. Your daughter will eat when she is hungry. Children are so funny about these things. Some days they will eat a ton, and other days practically nothing.

I might also try asking her if eating makes her feel bad in some way. She may be having a food reaction that she doesn't have words for, so she may avoid eating to avoid the reaction.

The most important thing is not to turn food into a battleground. You want her to eat well her whole life, not just this meal or this day.

I would be happy to talk with you more about it.

Best,
E. Bender NC, CHN
www.nutritionforthewholefamily.com

Check out the book "Child of Mine". We've found it to be very helpful in dealing with our picky eater. Basically you don't want to make food into a control issue or power struggle. The book talks about different areas of responsibility. It is your responsibility to say when you're going to eat and what is going to be available to be eaten. It is the child's responsibility to decide whether or not they will eat, what they will eat (of what is provided), and how much they will eat. The book goes into greater detail, but this has worked for us. It's made our meal time much less contentious and our 4 1/2 year old is slowly starting to try more foods. It's all about respecting each other. Good luck.