At My Wits End (Dinner Time 3 Year Old)

My DD is also three. We face this problem as well sometimes. I refuse to send her to bed hungry too. I will put it in the fridge & later when she says she's hungry, she has to eat that. No snacks, treats or anything else until she finishes dinner. I will make her sit at the table with the grown ups until we're done eating too. I don't want her thinking it's ok to punk out on dinner to play with toys or watch TV or something like that. It works pretty well. Good luck! :)

Lots of good advice, but one thing no one has mentioned is that she may be going through a "non-growth" period, and she may not need much food. Put down very little food (one or two of her bites), and don't push it. If she is hungry and wants more, give her one or two more bites. In the long run, it is healthier if she learns to stop eating when she is full.

This is a tough one for parents, who are almost always concerned with their children's nourishment/health AND their ability to sleep through the night.

One thing that I observe with my grandson at various times (between ages 1-4) is that sometimes two meals a day were plenty for him. He'd eat almost nothing at dinner time, and would apparently NOT go to bed hungry. He just didn't get hungry again till morning. Other days it might be breakfast or lunch that didn't interest him.

On the days I cared for him, I would just offer good food, and not stress if he didn't eat it. I'd encourage him to take in lots of liquids so he wouldn't get constipated, and if he got crabby I'd offer him food again (occasionally he'd be cranky because he was hungry and didn't know it).

But most of the time, it seems his need for food exists more in his grownups' heads than in his own body. He's a tall, slender, active little guy, and extremely healthy and energetic, even when he's only eating a little.

Other times, he eats ravenously for a few days at a time. This is associated with growth spurts. And yes, he can eat lots of food he especially likes. That's fine, as long as that food is healthy. Too much of a yummy thing could contribute to weight and health problems.

My mum would "help" my toddler. Doing the whole meal=battle thing. I didn't. If he didn't want to eat, fine. He had plenty of food, just sometimes he wasn't hungry.

If he didn't LIKE it, that's another story. In our house, if you don't like something, you're welcome to have something else that you can make yourself. (or minimal help, but whomever cooked does NOT cook twice). This means cereal or sammies or leftovers from another meal.

My friend's son cracks me up. He's 6 and his parents STILL chase him around trying to get him to eat, and still spoon feed him bite by bite. His nanny and I, however, don't. He's more than capable of feeding himself... he just likes to put his parents (and anyone else he can con) into making it the "Charlie" show. His parents are always amazed at the foods he eats for others (and have suspected at various times that we lie). But his nanny and I, if he doesn't eat, it just gets wrapped up and put in the fridge. If he wants it later, he can have it. After a few days of "Nope... not playing this game." he actually eats what people put in front of him when they put it in front of him.

I've found the trick that works with most kids that *I* have been around is non-challance. If they're not allowed to eat until the next meal it turns the entire DAY (or evening, or whatever) into a power struggle. The whole "If you had _______." But if you take the control away "Sure, it's here whenever you want it." it cuts those strings.

Charlie, when I first started watching him was HILARIOUS. "I'm not going to want it!" and he proceeded to have a power struggle with himself. Once he got that I wasn't going to participate he eventually got bored with fighting with himself. Same experience with his nanny, and with his school. But his parents helicopter around his eating so he knows they are *always* willing to play the game. And after 4 years of them doing it every night they have him... he has a really good foundation for believing that. It's also his guaranteed way of getting their full attention on him for over an hour.

My son does this too, but he's only 19 months old. In general I never force him to eat if he doesn't want to. If he throws a fit at dinner I just remove him from the table and he is allowed to look at some books on the floor while the rest of us eat. His dinner stays on the table and that is all I offer him for the rest of the night. If he is willing to eat at least 4-5 bites I will usually let him have a bedtime snack after dinner, but I always make sure there is at least a 20 minute break between dinner and bedtime snack. I don't want him to think he can fuss and eventually get fruit for dinner. If he doesn't eat anything at dinner, he goes to bed without anything (this rarely happens). For us it's mostly a power struggle and has little to do with food and if I'm stubborn enough he eventually gives in. I guess that might sound cruel, but he's not going to starve overnight. I also think it's key to offer healthy choices all day, including snack, so that if he misses dinner I don't feel like he's missing out on certain nutrients. The one time I can remember him going to bed without eating dinner he ate a ton at breakfast the next day. So don't worry about it, she'll make up the calories at other meals.

If that's what she does... then fine.
Say "Oh I guess you are not hungry..." then put away her plate.
Go ON with your eating etc. Hang-loose, as we say here.
The more you try, the more she'll not try.

My son is SO picky in eating. But I NEVER battle about it nor have food battles nor force nor threaten nor bribe. I refuse to. I rather him eat because he is HUNGRY... and knows his body's cues. Usually by dinner time, my son is not real hungry, because he eats MOST of his intake during the rest of the day. By dinner, he is just full. He says so.
But he is a tall/big/solid/lean/strapping 4 year old, who grows like a weed and is healthy and is taller than some 1st graders. So fine.
I don't force him to eat. I don't make a separate foods just for him. La-dee-da.
But, I do tell my son, he needs to sit AT the table with the rest of us... it is 'dinner time' and we are a family and we converse. So, then he does.

all the best,
Susan

Honestly, I think you should relax about this. If she eats a good breakfast and a good lunch, she just may not be hungry by dinner. You're making dinner into a power struggle, and that's really the last thing you want to do. Especially with a girl.

We always tell our son that he gets no nighttime snack if he doesn't eat his dinner, because we feel that he would otherwise hold out for a snack that he likes better if the meal served in front of him is not to his liking. Even if he goes to bed hungry one night, he won't starve. We don't make him clean his plate, but we tell him he has to eat a certain number of bites to be polite and to show appreciation for the effort that it took to put the meal on the table. (He's really into numbers, so the counting is also a motivator for him).

She's not going to like everything that you put in front of her, and that's understandable. You don't like everything put in front of you, do you? Just keep offering, but don't make a huge deal about it. As long as she is growing well and eating reasonably healthy at other meals, I wouldn't stress about dinner.

As for eating, we never forced them to eat, jut didn't let them eat until the next meal or morning. No yelling, no theatrics. It took no time to realize there was no choice but to eat if they were hungry. If they weren't hungry, fine. I usually make stuff I know they'll eat easily and quickly, but if I serve them somethign they don't like, there is no negotiating.

As for meltdowns, that can be disciplined. Our kids have to behave nicely at the table whether they eat or not.

That way, there is no pressure to eat, and no bad behavior.

Just make sure there is O. thing on her plate that she likes and will eat--a veggie, a fruit, etc. Let her "be done" when she's done.
This is a battle that I chose not to fight.
I refuse to make a second dinner for my child.
He eats what we eat.
Actually it has made him a very non-picky eater....I can only name two foods he won't eat.
To me, it was just not worth the daily misery of a power struggle.

Put the food down in front of her and don't talk about it or make it an issue.. The rest of you eat and talk and have a good time. Make sure there is always a selection of healthy things so if she only eats one thing that's better than nothing. Don't let it turn into a nightmare ... that is not what the family table is all about. She is partly showing you that she can control things. When you are all finished eating and you feel she hasnt had enough just stick it away and give her another chance before bed. She might not be very hungry for good stuff, sounds like she's got a pallet for bad food like pizza... she might be one that you don't want to get her to used to Mcdonalds and stuff, they get addicted to that greasy, carby food really easy.

My youngest is also 3...the bigger a deal you make out of eating or not eating the bigger a problem it is. My pediatrician has told me time and again not to stress over eating ( or not eating as the case might be) I try to make sure he eats a good balance...but some nights...like tonight, Alex ate a crescent roll dipped in ketchup...I try and tell myself there are worse things, if I am lucky he will eat a small snack later and it will be grapes or yogurt. We offer as many healthy choices as we can and limit junk food. Unless your child is terribly malnurished or under weight I would not stress.

This is what we go through more times than not. It's a total control thing unless he's hungry for whatever we're having. However, he's very picky and like your daughter, changes what he'll eat from day to day. I decided awhile ago that I would not fight over this. Kids won't starve themselves, and he eats the other two meals usually well. If he doesn't want to eat, fine. He has to behave or there are consequences for that, but he doesn't have to eat, and I won't say a thing about that. (My husband, on the other hand, tries to get him to eat by "helping" him, bribing him, etc. He's only there for dinner, so sometimes I wonder if we would have an issue at all especially when it's something "good" if there were no power struggles. We don't have them at the other meals.)
Anyway, if he eats, fine. If not, fine. He has gone to bed many many times without eating by choice, but he always sleeps just as well at night. Sometimes he eats a big breakfast, but other times, it's just a bowl of cereal or something small. I think they go through phases of hunger, and some weeks, they just aren't hungry. The bigger deal you make out of it, the more she'll rebel. Someday, I have hopes that my son will eat typical foods. He's already gotten a tiny bit better with a few things that he would have never tried before! Good luck!

Are you sure you're not talking about MY daughter? We go through horrible stages like that too. Our general rule is that she has to take 3 bites of everything on her plate. We call them our "No Thank You Bites." After eating 3 bites of everything, she is free to not eat anymore. She still has to sit at the table with the rest of us. We don't make a big deal out of it anymore. It was turning into a huge power struggle and we found that we were using sugary treats as a bribe (as in "Just eat 2 more bites and you can have a cookie"). I should mention that if it's something like chicken alfredo, she has to eat 3 bites of chicken and 3 bites of noodles. And the bites are actually bites, not like 3 tiny noodles.
When we first implemented the "No Thank You Bites" it was a really big struggle. She wasn't used to it. Now that she knows that's the rule, she takes her bites and that's the end of it. If all she eats is 3 bites, I put her plate back in the fridge. If she's hungry later, she can eat more of her dinner. She absolutely gets no treats or anything else until she eats her dinner.
We've also started giving her smaller portions. I think I was putting on her plate the serving size I thought she should eat. It was way bigger than what she actually could or should eat. Usually she asks for seconds now, but not always. I think she was also overwhelmed by the amount of food on her plate.
When she eats her dinner with no fuss or muss, we praise her. We make sure to tell her how proud we are of her for eating her dinner like a big girl. If she cleans her plate, we even do a "Clean Plate Dance." It's kind of dorky, but it really works.
That said, remember the saying "You can lead a preschooler to the table, but you can't make them eat." She's not going to starve. She'll eat when when she's hungry. Mealtime doesn't and shouldn't be a power struggle.
Good luck! :D

My friend routinely invites my son over for dinner...just to get her kids to try the stuff she makes (she is an amazing cook who makes tons of kid friendly items because she does childcare). In fact, she usually makes a meal for herself and her husband, and three more meals for each child because her kids are so picky. My son goes over and just gushes about almost everything she makes!

One time as my son was dishing up lasagna at her house, her son said "I thought you didn't like lasagna!" My son replied "It doesn't matter what I like or don't like...I eat what is made for me, or I don't eat when my mom cooks."

Honestly...it is the best family policy/rule we have ever had. I make one meal, and there are usually some veggies or something my kids don't like. They eat everything or they get nothing until the next meal - no matter what. If they do eat everything on thier plate they can have a treat or snack later, but only is they eat EVERYTHING.

My kids try and eat more items than anyone other kids I know...and yes, ocassionally there are battles...but they know it can be a long time between meals so it is best to finish your plate. Period.

When my kids were pre-school age I noticed that they usually were only really hungry for two meals each day. I feed them 3 meals a day, but didn't fret about them not eating. They turned out fine. The sooner you can get your daughter involved in shopping and cooking the better -- children love to be involved!

I work for a pediatrician and I can tell you generally, you will not win any fights with food or potty training! That being said, it is your job to provide nutritious food and it is her job to eat what she wants. Toddlers tend to eat in spurts so look at what she eats over the course of a week. If you act like it isn't a big deal for her to eat her meal, or leave it, you take the "power" away from her. She will eat when she's hungry and everyone will be able to enjoy the evening meal as a family. Best wishes!

Have a certain amount of time, or a certain point at which she is allowed to get up from the table (such as when everyone else is finished eating). Put her food in front of her, and keep on occasionally gently reminding her to eat it. Don't put it into her mouth or anything like that. Don't plead with her to eat or make any 'threatening' comments like "you won't get... " if you don't eat this. Ignore the fact that she's not eating as much as you can. When it's time for her to leave the table, quietly clear her dishes and let it go.
I personally don't agree with your concern about not giving her an evening snack because you don't want her to go to bed hungry. However, if you want to give her a snack, make it a totally nutritious one. Something like cheese and crackers, with possibly a bit of fruit. Save cookies and ice cream.. or other 'treats' for another time.

So many great posts here! I would just echo and encourage the mantra of "don't make meals a battle". The more you push and then give snacks later, the more that will become the new norm. Food is for nurishment and you eat if you're hungry. If your daughter refuses dinner, then just say "I guess you're not hungry" and put it in the refirgerator. If later she wants something to eat, then remind her that the option is her leftover dinner. Keep firm. Honestly, she will not starve over one missed meal. I have two boys who are great eaters and we have always focused just on food as nourishment rather than stressing over each meal and how much they've eaten. Good luck.

You've already gotten a lot of good advice here. I just want to remind you that your daughter will not starve if she skips a meal. This is turning into a battle of the wills w/your daughter. Food, peeing & pooping are the only things for quite some time that kids have control over & they do their best to hold onto that control & use it to their advantage. Nip it in the bud. Don't run yourself ragged tyring to feed her,make specific meals for her & then cajole her into eating them. She's old enought to feed herself. Put the food on her plate & leave it at that. Avoid conversation about eating your dinner & talk about other things. Don't make a big deal out of it....unless she actually eats it. But I'd suggest waiting til she's done eating to praise her for eating her meal. If she doesn't eat it, then that's her choice. No snacks or drinks before bed. She will be fine. She'll soon see that you mean business & start eating. Our now 5.5 yr old is not great at sitting at the table during dinner. If he gets up, he gets a warning," get up again & your dinner is over w/no food at all til breakfast.' There have been nights he goes to bed w/o dinner & he has survived. But the best advice I can offer is to be consistent! No matter where you're eating, home, friend's house, restaurant, the rules stay the same. Stick w/it & she will come around & you'll have pleasant dinners. Good luck!

Lots of good answers already here. I'll just add a couple of wonderful books that made my kids laugh, and we were able to refer to them at dinner time: Gregory the Terrible Eater--a goat who doesn't want to eat garbage, only 'real food' which horrifies his parents, and the Seven Silly Eaters about a family of picky eaters and their mom.

Also, we had a rule at our table, well two rules: 1. You eat what you take--I had the food on the table and let the kids serve themselves (or 'say when' if they're too small to serve themselves) and 2. You have to try something new with a 'no-thank-you' helping of about a teaspoonful, because you never know when you're going to like something. But if you don't eat supper, no dessert or snacks later--you can eat your supper if you're hungry.

I was the pickiest eater in the world when I was young. I eat everything now (and unfortunately that's not necessarily a good thing for the figure!) This too shall pass.

Hang in there!

You definitely need to be prepared to send her to bed hungry. It is a VERY logical consequence to refusing to eat. No toddler will intentionally starve herself. Your job as a parent is to provide her a variety of nutritious foods to eat at each meal and give her the opportunity to eat. She needs to learn what it feels like to be full so don't force her to clean her plate, but encourage her to try a variety of things and don't offer snacks and other less healthy choices outside of mealtime.
Good luck.

I read a book recently called How to Get Your Child To Eat, But Not Too Much
It has really opened my eyes about eating in general and helped make meal times pleasant for us. Hope it works out!

Putting your 3 year old to bed hungry is not going to hurt her. However, it doesn't work with every child. Some kids will go to bed hungry for a couple nights and they will totally get it and stop being a pain at dinner time. But some kids (like mine) if they don't like dinner they simply won't eat it, even if they know they get nothing later (and my kids will frequently do this and they haven't starved to death :)). It's about control and pushing to see who is in charge. Putting food in her mouth is one of the few things she has total control over and she's exercising that right, so I say let her and stop fighting with her. If she doesn't want to eat, she's not hungry. If you don't want her to go to bed without dinner, try feeding her the dinner either eariler (she may be hungry for dinner before you and dad are) or put it aside and feed it to her later. If she simply doesn't eat, she's not hungry and you shouldn't fuss over it. She will be fine as she will get breakfast in the morning.

My pediatrician, and all the experts I have read, say that it is our job as parents to present a healthy variety of food at every meal, and make sure there is at least one thing you know your child will eat (bread, crackers, etc.). That is all! It is the toddlers choice as to what, if anything, they eat. They should have three meals and two to three well-balanced snacks a day. If they choose not to eat, they do not get any food until the next planned meal or snack. There is no grazing outside of planned meals or snacks and Mom (or Dad) should not be a short-order cook. A very good book to read on child nutrition is Child of Mine by Ellyn Satter.

Let me start out by saying, I definitely don't believe in brow-beating a child into eating. It does turn dinner time into a nightmare for all, and I truly believe everyone should enjoy their time around the dinner table. I would not make her eat. If she's not hungry, don't eat. Do, however, sit at the table with the rest of the family. When dinner is over, let her go on her way and I would put the food away for later. if she does want to eat later, it would have to be the dinner she didn't eat earlier. Food costs money and most of us don't have money to waste, especially these days. She needs to understand that she is expected to eat the same dinner as everyone else and that a special dinner will not be made for her. If, however, I am fixing something I KNOW the children don't like, I will offer to let them have something else that is very simple - I won't cook a separate meal, but a bowl of soup and a half a sandwich or something. I, like you, don't want them to go to bed hungry, and occasionally eating something else is fine, but for the most part, she needs to eat what the family is eating or opt not to eat at all. she will eat if she's hungry. If she says she's hungry but won't eat what you give her, she's not really that hungry, especially if it's something you know she had before and enjoyed.

I have been dealing with this kind of eating issue for 19 years now (my daughter is 21 but developmentally disabled with a dev age of 2) and I honestly can say that there really isn't anything you can do about it but let her go hungry until she outgrows it. It's a phase that she will most likely outgrow. Just, whatever you do, don't give in and make her her favorites every night just so she will eat or you will never break the cycle. If she isn't hungry or doesn't want what was on the menu, just let her be hungry. If she comes to you later and says she's hungry, give her only one option...what she didn't eat before. Eventually she will realize that if she doesn't want to be hungry, she will have to eat what you offer. Don't make a big deal out of it and get your entire family in an uproar about it. Just make it about the fact that she has made a choice that will eventually have a consequence of her being hungry and having only two choices, eat what was offered or go hungry. If she is eating breakfast and lunch, she is most likely getting enough food for the day so she won't starve.