Need Advise on Starting a New Relationship

I don't think it's too young. Be very clear about what you want from a new relationship, though. Make a list of ten must-haves and ten can't haves. If he falls short on either of those lists forget him.

If you feel ready, then you are ready! If you are unsure if you're ready, but don't want to wait until it's too late, then be honest and commuincate that to your "friend" and let him know that you would like to take it slow. This will be a werid transition, but listening to your gut on this. Good luck.

No, it's not wrong to feel like you're falling for someone. We were not designed to be alone. "Too soon" is a relative term - only you will know if the timing is right. Besides, its not like this person is a stranger you just met last week. This is someone who you had a relationship with before. Your kids just want you to be happy - whatever you decide, just make it a decision that makes you happy. It does not dishonor your husband or his memory to start dating again now. Just take your time and proceed at your own pace. Best of luck! :)

Dear A.,
Yes, I have been there. My husband passed away 5 years ago July 1, he had Multiple Mylenoma (Primary Bone Marrow Cancer). We had been married for 24 1/2 years. My situation was a bit different because I was also taking care of my bed-ridden dad in his house, where my husband had died of a ruptured Ab. Aneurysm. In addition I was dealing with empty-nest and premenopause. I can honestly say this was the hardest time in my life. The loneliness was horrible.
I want to caution you to take it real slow. Dating really depends upon how you feel inside. If you have truly processed and gone through the grieving process, then by all means go out and have some fun. Again, be careful--you are vulnerable and you don't want to get too involved before you know you are okay. My grieving time took longer, shorter periods until my dad died early in 2006. Actually that is why I moved here to get a new start. My home for over 20 years was Bastrop, and the memories just were too many and too hard. I still have not dated. I am now 49.

The blast from the past could be a way to learn about dating, people again getting your feet wet per sea. Think back about why ya'll split up, what the relationship was like, in what ways you both have changed during this reintroduction period. It could be God's way of bringing you another mate, or it might turn out to be a rebound that was not meant to be, and could be a mistake. I am not saying not to date, but be careful, take your time in this endeavor and PRAY.

I am now truly ready for that next step. Each person's healing time is different. I had so much to process and deal with, then get to know ME, and get comfortable with life alone and new friends, experiences and TIME for just God and I. I also have a blast from the past, and although we are not dating I have learned that he has loved me for over 30 years, while it took awhile for it to really hit me, I love him as well and when our time comes to be together I know it will be right and til death do us part, as I knew with my first husband. My fear was getting involved with someone and seeing my husband rather than the man I was dating -ya know. I never could see myself with anyone else and didn't want to hurt someone else by seeing or saying my husband. I know now that I am okay and don't worry about that any longer. I will use what I learned from that long good marriage to make my next and last one even better. The funny part is that my deceased husband is my angel and helped me to find my old friend. I know he wants me to be happy. I hope I have been of some help to you in this, May God Bless and Guide You.!

I've been there, my husband killed himself in 2002, i didnt date for about 3 years after that. There is no "correct" amount of time that you should mourn a loved one before you move on with your life. If your kids are OK with you moving on and you feel in your heart you are ready then go for it! You only have one life and i'm sure your late husband would want you to live it.

It's only too soon if you are not ready! If anyone thinks that you have moved too fast let them deal with their own feelings! The people that are alive have to continue living! We can't stop and just mourne forever. Your husband would not want you to do that! In fact can you be so sure that he didn't have something to do with this other guy calling you with his regrets! It's amazing what people do and the way that they see things once they go to the other side! Your husband may be your new guardian angel, trying to help you move on with your life! your not hurting your children, they love you and want you to be happy, your not hurting your husband, he now sees the bigger picture, you would only be hurting yourself if you did not find some happiness now! Best of luck sweetie, you have another chance at happiness!

Dear Anna,

I am sorry for the loss of your second husband - life is uncertain and can sorrows do come. It is CERTAINLY not too soon to find love and a happy life. However, you should be certain that your interest in each other is based on the right factors:

- Are you committed to each contributing to other's happiness/well-being in these areas: physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual.

- Can you have honest and transparent conversations with this man? If so, you should discuss EVERYTHING: Why does he feel he made a mistake in letting you go? What is his view of the future? How will your relationship develop? What does he need/expect of you - as a friend; as a companion; as a spouse? What is he able to provide (e.g. physical love and financial security or partnership; intellectual partnership and growth, emotional transparency and support; and spiritual intimacy and leadership)?. You need to answer these questions to his satisfaction, too. If he is not able to freely and openly discuss everything about his thoughts, plans, hopes and fears (maybe especially the fears) then I would advise waiting until you CAN have these kind of discussions - with someone.

- Most important, do you share the same religious convictions/faith? Are you praying for direction about this about this relationship? The "real" answer to your question is to seek God's guidance and direction regarding a relationship with this man.

I love the fact that your son loves you enough to tell you "not to wait until it is "too late." But I assure you, it is NEVER too late to find happiness as long as you choose the RIGHT partner. It is ALWAYS too early if you do not get to know the person sufficiently (using the kinds of questions above) to know that this partner will love you more than he loves himself - and will place your needs, development, support and well-being above his own. You should feel the same way toward him.

I found my "perfect" mate when I was 49 and we reacquainted at a high school reunion. But we did NOT base our relationship on the past. We got to know each other all over again and talked about intimate, significant areas - some of which I addressed, above. We are both Christians and we prayed about our relationship. We have been blissfully married 5+ years. Sadly, my ex- mother-in-law (MIL) has outlived two husbands (widowed first when she was 43). She had a second marriage that lasted more than 15 years. She met and married her current husband in her late 60's. I just learned today that he has beeen diagnosed with cancer and has been given about 6 months to live. So naturally, he is in our prayers. The future (in THIS life) is uncertain, with the only certainty being death. Even though my MIL's love-life seems so sad, she is resilient and has shown that it is never too late to find someone who shares a compatible outlook, enjoys similar activities and who fulfills your life in every way. Please keep her in your prayers. And from her experience, and others that have shared - know that there is love a third (and perhaps more) times for those who have lost their mates.

So, Anna, here is hoping that you find the perfect mate and that he is healthy and enjoys a long life with you!

God Bless you,
K.

Life is short. You have had a hard two years taking care of your loved one in their last days. Don't you deserve some happiness and fun? Be careful, there was a reason he is now a "blast from your past." CB

There is no apropriate amount of time, just do what your heart feels is ok. if you start and feel its to soon back off, but also don't let it pass you by!

As you already know life is to short if happiness comes along go for it. You are not betraying your deceased. He too would want you to get on with your life and grab hold of all happiness you so deserve.
A.

they say to wait at least a year..you've done that. just don't give your heart away that easy. take some time. get to know this guy again. don't set yourself up for heartache.

Only your heart knows if it is time. I will invite you to not let your guilt keep you from being happy and loving again. If you are falling for him it sounds like it might be time.
Usually if someone has experienced a good marriage they are more likely to remarry after the death of a spouse. So it is a tribute to your late husband.
Enjoy your life, it was not easy going through what you did with your husbands cancer and now it is time for you. Best wishes and let your heart sing!

One thing about love is that it doesn't operate on our schedule; and when we reach a certain age, we don't have to wait as long to know what's what. I am so sorry to hear of your loss, but I am glad to hear that you have found new and viable companionship.

Evaluate your heart and soul, and take it one step at a time. You can always turn around if you find that it's not right.

Take good care!

I'm sure your husband loved you very much and would love to see you happy. Go for it if YOU feel you're ready. Your kids are right in wanting you to be happy. Good luck!

I think the "standard" acceptable time is 1 year. Good Luck with everything. I'm sure your husband would want you to be happy.

I agree with a previous poster who said there is no set amount of time to grieve. Everyone is different. Now, if he passed away last week, and you were asking this I would question if you loved him, but you said it was last year. If you feel comfortable dating again, go for it. If you don't, then tell him you're not ready.

Either way, you're kids want you to be happy and sometimes, that's the greatest encouragment you can have.

Let me start with I'm sorry for your loss.

You said that he fought it for two years so in that two years your mind has accepted it. I feel that if you are happy starting a relationship with this guy then you should. Your kids seem to be fine with it if they are encouraging you. So go for it and enjoy the life that you have, it's the only one you get. Godd luck.

I don't feel there is any set "mourning" period, but a year is a perfectly respectable time from all public opinion (if you are worried about how other people would see it). Think about it this way, would your husband want you to spend the rest of your life lonely and alone? If you were both on second marriages to begin with, I'm sure he understood the desire for love in life. If something happened to me, I would want my husband to find love again rather then mourn away his life.

I agree that you should take it slow. Also, you want to make sure that this person is one who can handle the fact that there will always be another man in your life who you will love and is not someone who will see your lost loved one as someone about whom he'll be jealous.

Go for it, if you are ready and your kids are fine with it, I think it is time for you to get on with living.

go for it. be aware that your inlaws and probley some of your family and ya'lls friends are going to be disapointed. but its your life and you only have one to live. good luck. i wouldn't date anyone till my husband was gone for a year or longer if i needed. but not sooner i think it would be too emotional for me before then. i think your timing is right if you know its right. good luck and take your time.

My uncle reunited with his high school sweetheart at a class reunion. This was shortly after my aunt, the love of his life, passed away very suddenly from a heart condition.

There is nothing wrong with you living! You loved your husband, but he is the one who died... not you. There should be no guilt here. God says that we are not bound in marriage when a spouse passes. There is a time of mourning, but we must move ahead.

One word of caution. My uncle married this h.s. sweetheart after dating rather briefly. Please get to know who this man is NOW and not base it on who he was when you knew him in the past. My uncle jumped into marriage and he is not truly happy. He loves her, don't get me wrong. However, the way their lives and opinions have been shaped over their years apart is completely different in many ways(work ethics, ways of approaching situations, dealing with each other's children, handling finances, etc.) Don't rush into anything... take your time and TRULY get to know who he is now. Prayer will be your best guide here... as it always is.

I am so sorry for you loss and wish you nothing but God's blessings in the future. What wonderful children to want what's best for you!

Blessings,
M. S.

I am sorry about your husband. But you do need to move on. YOU are living. Not to disrespect your husband at all, he is in a better place and at peace. You do what you are comfortable and happy with. If it is not hurting you or your children, then it's alright. I don't think it is too soon or wrong. What would be wrong is if you pass up joy because of what others think. Follow your head & heart. They will tell you what your ready for.
Be happy!!

I thinks since your husband has been deceased for one year that it is fine for you to start a new relationship. As long as your kids are fine with it, I think it's great!

I have never been in your situation, but I have people in my friend/family circle who have. I think your husband would want you to have joy and love in your life... your kids want it to! I believe things happen for a reason.. maybe he came along in your life at this time for a reason.. Good luck with things and I hope you find comfort and love!

My heart goes out to you. I have no personal advice, but wanted to tell you not to let others tell you when you're ready. You will know....and I am proud of you for asking for your kids perspective--that is so important! I'm sure you will receive resistance from some fam and friends, but hang in there..

I am so sorry for your lose. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you have been through.

Listen to your kids. It’s okay to date and it's more then okay to fall in love again. I am sure your husband would want you too.

Life is a crazy path and if you get another chance for love. Take it.

Good Luck!

Go for it! But take it slow. Trust your instincts. I am sure that your husband would not want you to be sitting around mourning for him. No, you will never forget him. Your heart will always hold that special memory.

Hopefully, your new (er, old) fellow will understand that your husband will always be a part of your lives. He's a part of your history. Your past away husband is not there to compete with the new man. He is there to enrich your life for however many years you have left on this earth.

My cousin lost his wife after a 7 year battle with cancer this past Sept. He remarried in Feb. Quick, yes. But, he had been grieving for her for 7 years already. They knew from the diagnosis that she would never survive with the type of cancer she had, no one had.

Every person has their own timeline to follow.

First and foremost, what is his situation? He is single, free and clear right? The second thing is to determine how you feel. Grief is really an individual thing and recovery is as well. It sounds like you have been taking it relatively slow since it has almost been a year...I would say that since your kids are supportive of this, that they see how you are feeling and think that this relationship is a positive thing...if they were against it, I would say heed their advice since they are closest to the situation. Still take it slow, but I don't see any reason not to begin to get your life back. Even though it has been one year, it has been three long years for you. Good luck, God Bless, and be happy.

Wow...you have been through a lot lately. When u r ready to move on, I believe u will feel it. Just keep in mind the reason u 2 broke up before. This is your life and u should be free to do what makes u happy. And if the kids like him...

I don't know if this will help however, last Nov my ex-husband, who was my high school sweetheart, the father of my two children (10 yrs and 23 months)and my partner for 20 years (married for 13 and I'm only 36), committed suicide shortly after our divorce was final. Our divorce was a long time coming. There were times when I was immensly happy and other times when I was just as sad and lonely. I am still very heart broken and there are days that I can't see through the black cloud that so often envelopes me. Love was never the problem. Anyhoo, I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy who understands as much as anyone can where I am emotionally. He tells me that he will give me as much space as I need when I need it but that he isn't going any where because he's waited a lifetime for me. There are times when I feel that it was too soon to start dating but I did not want to miss my opportunity at happiness. My children love him. My son had a similar response to yours, he wanted to see me happy again. Time doesn't tell if you're ready or not, only you can. Follow your heart and you won't have any regrets! I hope this helps some, nobody has the right answer. Do what's right for you and your children!

There are no rules for this stuff! Follow your heart and if you are happy and your kids are happy then I say go for it. Your kids are really strong indicator that this thing is really cool. So I say no, it isn't too soon as long as your heart can handle moving into a new relationship. Enjoy it!

A year is a respectful time to wait and it sounds like you are a loving person. If you feel comfortable with the idea of dating again, your children are encouraging you, then go for it! You deserve to be happy again. When my dad died, I wanted my mom to be happy again but I also wanted her to be sure she wasnt clinging to someone just to have a 'man in her life'. I wanted her to know she could survive on her own, and when she realized that, she realized that she could move on to a future without hang ups from the past. Hope that helps! Best wishes for a blessed future!

I am very sorry to hear about your husband. We lost my father to melanoma last year after a 3 1/2 year fight. It is a very aggressive cancer. If you feel ready, then the time is right. You have to follow your heart. Only you know when it is the right time. You have the right to be happy again. Go for it, good men don't come along every day.

i haven't been in your shoes, but my mom remarried twice (once after a spouse's death), and i know how lonely she was when she was single. objectively speaking, that's something only you can decide for yourself and your family. try not to let family or friends' comments get in the way since not many people can truly relate to your situation... i wish you the best. :)

YOu know honey you ar eyoung and have so much life to live. I am sorry that you have had to deal with the losses you have. What is youur fear about dating again? p.s.My uncle met his love when he was 55. Joy is out there Anna. You just need to be ready to accept it. I hope this helps.
www.Best-Self-Today.com J.:)

Let me start by saying I'm sorry for your loss. I can't say that I have been in this exact situation but I do know that you will know if it's time. We can't always predict when love is going to come along. You should probably still proceed with caution and take things slowly. Make sure you know without a doubt where things may or may not be going. Your kids want you to be happy and I'm sure your husband would want you to be happy. There isn't any real set time for grieving just make sure you know what you want and take things one day at a time.

I don't think it is too early. You do what you need to do for you. Don't worry about what anyone else says. It is natural to want to be with someone. We were not created to be alone.

Anna,

I am sorry for your loss. Cancer is a terrible thing for someone to go through. It has been a year and I'm sure your husband would have wanted you to go on living. If you are ready for a relationship, follow your heart. Your kids seem to be okay with it, so be happy:)

C.

A few years ago, my mother passed after fighting a losing battle and a hospital stay that lasted over a year. After 53 years of marriage my dad was devastated. We talked him into going to grief counseling and, while there, he met a lady that had recently lost her husband after a long bout with cancer. Long story short, my dad remarried (only 9 months after my mother's passing) in a simple ceremony one Sunday morning after church and everyone except my brother gave their blessings. Now, he's back to being his normal, welldressed, cheery self.
I think your son hit the nail on the head when he said not to wait till it was too late. You don't know when you may have another opportunity.

I agree with your son...Don't let something that may be happening pass you by...life is too short to dwell on the past. You have mourned your husband and you have your children's blessings. Live your life and be happy.

Good Luck!!! ;-)

If you are comfortable with this gentlemen and your children are encouraging you, GO FOR IT. Life is too short, as you know, to spend time regretting things. Be happy and enjoy your life.

So sorry for your loss.
You will definitely know when you are ready, and maybe you are ready to start "friendships" if they lead to something great if not, the companionship may do you good. My mother passed away a few years ago and I think one of the hardest part was seeing how lonely my dad was. I encouraged him to date and he finally did. And he is much happier. I don't think anyone who cares about you would want you stay alone forever. I agree with your son, and it's great that you have his "blessing". Good luck and enjoy life.

Dear A.,
I'm sorry you had such a rough time then lost your husband. Since you already know this other man, he is a good friend at this point. You are very fortunate that your children are encouraging you to be happy. There is nothing wrong in having friends and support. Since I don't have personal experience with this situation, I suggest you talk a few times with a therapist who can help you through the grieving period, then you'll be able to "blast off" with the old friend without carrying the past trauma along into a new relationship. I would be comforted knowing I was not rebounding but starting anew. Good for you!!!

Omg Anna GO FOR It!!! As you know life is to short.I am soooo sorry for your loss but I think you know your husband would want you to be happy. Rt? Good luck!! S.

Remember you only have one life! go for it! be happy and enjoy every moment.

First of all sorry for your loss. I understand what you are going through. My husband just passed away a year ago from cancer that sudden. He was fine and healthy til check up then found he had stage4 cancer. Funny thing, an ex of mine called to give condolences and we started catching up. Over time we became friends and then more. I am currently expecting with this man. I would suggest taking it slowly and understand that your late husband would want you to be happy. If your kids and you are ready then take your time and find some kind of happiness. Good Luck.

Hi Wendy,
First of all, I send my condolences on the lost of your husband. Personally, if you are comfortable with moving on and your kids are supporting you and your decision, then by all means move forward. Whether it was five years or fifty years, the time you spent with your husband I'm sure will always have a place in your heart.

I am 45 years old and I feel like life has really just begun for me, some of the best years of my life have been since I turned 40. Don't sit around moping and grieving forever, life is precious and it is surely not promised to us forever.

Do what your heart and mind leads you to, take your time so that you are not rushing into a relationship on the rebound. Most importantly be good to yourself and have fun.
S.

A year or 5 years does not matter. Let things go on see where they lead you. Everyone should be happy this could be your chance again you will never know if you do not try it out.

There is always a risk of getting your feelings hurt, but if you don't take the risk you may let a good thing slip by. If you think you are not ready for a romantic relationship see him as a friend first. Then if things are meant to be the relationship will grow. You are still young live a little!

Dear Anna,
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my brother 2 yrs. ago at the age of 54. He was a DEA agent and worked all kinds of shifts etc. He was a loving father, husband, son, brother & friend. He left his family secure, & his 2 daughters just graduated a yr. ago. My sister-in-law had a difficult time accepting the loss & emptiness. She went on a retreat last Oct. The retreat is called New Beginnings. She said that was the best thing she could have done.
I can tell you that you should go, allow the time you need to find only yourself first. You are very lucky your children are unselfish also. It's a sad life without a companion as we get older...it is also harder to find one because we begin to get ill & we don't one anyone to have to take care of us nor are we up to caring for someone when either of us are ill.
Go to the retreat to clear the air then start singing before life passes you up like it has me.

May you be guided by your angel down the Lord's wonderful path He has for you.

God bless you & yours.
Ms. O. Delgado

Good morning A.,

I don't think that there is anything wrong with dating again or you being happy. We, as women, try to take care of everyone else and often times we neglect the most important person...us! If your children are encouraging you to be happy...then the worse that could happen is that you find that you don't like dating this guy...again. But dating should be perfectly ok. Life is too precious...live it the best way you can and the most correcf way you can. Enjoy life...you only have one!

gO FOR IT. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT TOMORROW WILL BRING.

I think all people mourn for different amounts of time. If you feel you are ready then you probably are. The only concern I have are your kiddos. I don't know if your kids are grown and out of the house. If they are not, you may want to take time to get to know him (all over again) before introducing him to your kids. This way you can make sure that you both agree on how to parent your children. I am sorry for your loss and I hope that no matter who you choose to date that you will be happy and make sure that you are treated right! God bless you in all that you do!!!