Need Advice Re: First Time Father Freaking Out

Hey you! I am so horrible for not checking on how you are doing! I'm sorry. Well, call me and we can chat- and compare our situations- I dealt with a lot of drama with my son's father- and you and i have somewhat similar situations. It will be ok- just remember that your lil man is first. I am always here to talk to or meet for some lunch or dinner- or you are welcome to swing by one day if you want! Payton is getting big! Well he's on the small side according to scale percentages- but big to me! Talk to you soon!
D.

Hi R.,
Make sure you keep your partner as involved as possible. Meaning have him take you to the doctor's office and let him ask questions. Take him along to get the stuff for the baby, etc. I don't know you but you may be one of these independent type women (which is great) but can make a guy feel useless during this time. Also, choose your battles. Let him make the decisions in the areas that are not as important to you but may be important to him. I don't know what kinds of things you two are arguing about, but it might be helpful to seek couples counseling to help you two sort out things. I wish you well in resolving your differences so you two can enjoy this time in your lives.
Diana

It seems that most, if not all men, freak out with the birth of their first child. My husband did as well as my brother and brothers in law. One thing that helped were the Expectant Father books. Men don't really talk to each other about their feelings but to have a reference source, if you will, that they can look at and relate to the feelings the book discusses might help. It also helps to keep communicating and talking through the feelings because there are a lot of changes going on for both of you including hormonally. Good luck and hang in there.

Not knowing all the relationship issues/specifics here, let's just focus on the baby coming. Until he or she is born, you have no idea how you will act or react to your new life. So don't even worry about now. EVERYTHING will change once the baby is born. I gave my husband the book "Father's Milk". I got it at Transitions Bookstore on North AVe. He really liked it. Good luck to you both!

The Expectant Father and The New Father are great books for all dads. I think they might help. Good luck to both of you! http://www.abbeville.com/newfather/index.asp

I agree with the other moms. You really don't know how things will be after the baby comes, so agree to play it by ear, while allowing dad to take a major role. Helping him now will be the baby classes(Elmhurst Memorial, Northwestern,etc), parenting websites, and/or books Helpful friends and new parents, with the support of family will also take a great load off of you.

Good luck!

ditto to about everything that the others have already said.... get a good father book, have him hang out with other dads who are great with their kids, there is also a father class at Northwestern that he may like. The teacher was really great and my husband came back talking about it. In addition, you may want to consider couples counseling. And yes, as someone else said... things may be tough now, it only gets tougher with lack of sleep and changing 10 diapers in one day. And if your baby is a cryer than watch out. All of this is really trying to a relationship. I hope you can work it out. And I bet he will fall head over heals for the baby!!!

This is one of the toughest times for most people... how can you prepare for this life altering experience!!?!? Most pregnancy books have chapters about what dad's go through, and ways to reassure them. Face this head on, because it only gets 10 times tougher once the baby arrives. (we have a 7 week old)

The simplest thing to do is to make plans with a father who is easy for your partner to talk to. Someone who will listen and be reassuring. Make sure he keeps talking, and try to be supportive.

This is obviously causing you a lot of stress too. Its so hard to watch someone struggle. It would be good for you to vent to some girlfriends too... because even if he is MORE stressed than you, YOU still need support, in order to be supportive to him. (whats the saying "you can't take care of others till you take care of yourself"?)

I highly recommend couples councelling too. I was very resistant to it at first (stigma of therapy), but it really gives you the proper tools to deal with problems. And it forces you to listen patiently to your partner, and find out how to improve how you communicate. And how best to support one another. I think of it as a personal trainer for relationships! Or a tune up! My husband is one of those rare man's-man who really thinks highly of councelling. We have a great councellor in the ravenswood neighborhood in chicago if you are interested, and she works on a sliding scale.

Much luck and feel free to email.

-C.
(39, tried to conceive for 6 years, failed 4 ivf, then got pregnant the old fashioned way. Now we have a beautiful 7 week old girl)