Request for Advice About Marriage Counseling

I highly recommend Gale Dreas ###-###-####. I actually saw her on my own for a period of time until my husband saw how much better I was & then he wanted help too.

It does seem things like snoring and children change things in a marriage. I have used Fox Valley Family Institute for Growth and Wellness. They have some very good people there. The number is ###-###-####. You may call them and see what their recommendation would be.

Hi C. M,

Have you seen the movie "Fireproof"? There is also a book that goes along with that movie. "LoveDare". Try watching the movie and possibly going through the book. They have some VERY GOOD advice for marriages.
Good luck,
J. J.

Hi C. M-

I just wanted to suggest that you go back and read Mom J's post on April 27th. I think it would be under family/parenting category. She asked for help regarding being in an unhappy marriage. I just checked her post now and she received 76 responses. The responses had some great ideas... some moms really took a lot of time to type their suggestions. I think the ideas were insightful for not only "Mom J" but to many of us. I know you specifically are asking about marriage counseling, but it wouldn't hurt to read the posts from April 27th.

Best of luck to you and your husband to improving your marriage.

J.

Hi,
I'm sorry to hear about your marriage difficulties. I am a therapist and I often recommend that people go to psychologytoday.com and use the therapist finder feature. You can search by zip code/insurance/etc. Another good place for marriage therapy is the Family Institute at Northwestern University in Evanston. You can also feel free to contact me for more direct referrals.

J. Matija, LCPC
###-###-####

Try Stephanie Wiese in Naperville. I'm not sure of the name of her practice....

Sounds like you two still have a good LOVE - just a big communication gap. The BEST suggestion that ANYONE could give you is here: http://alifetimeoflove.org/

Marriage Encounter is a great weekend that teaches you to focus on your relationship, through improved communication. My husband and I have been married for 37 years, but we both know that we would not have made it through our history, if it had not been for Marriage Encounter!

Dr. Gerilyn Alfe has a new, non-invasive procedure to stop snoring and help a person's health altogether. She is the only person in Illinois who is trained in this new procedure.

http://www.chicagosmilespa.com/pages/contact.htm

I highly recommend that your husband makes and appointment with Dr. Alfe.

Start there...then sleep in the same bed again...then take from there!

Hope this helps....
Be Well,
Danya

www.DanyaMotivates.com

The grass always "seems" better on the other side...but it's just as hard to mow. It is never a good idea to quit. I know that you don't really want to...the people that stay and grow old together, make it because they stayed together in the trenches. Much like guys in the army that get so close because of all they have been through together...not the ones that quit before they weather the storm.

Our church offers free groups for marriages in trouble. There are about 6-8 couples in the group and we are encouraged to talk about our situations and then work on ourselves and how each person plays a part in the relationship.

We went about 5-6 years ago after trying everything from books, tapes, seminars and counseling. This was by far the best and what helped us the best. It is great because you can sit and listen and never have to talk. You will still get just as much out of it. When you hear other people's problems it helps to know that you are not the only one...and it also helps you see things from another perspective. Like looking from the outside-in.

We have groups that meet on Thursday evenings at 7pm and on Sunday mornings at 8:45 and 10:45. My husband and I got so much out of it that we have been leading a group for the past 5 years.

You don't have to go to church to come to the group. It's open to anyone. They have many different types of groups available. The phone number is 1-###-###-#### to get in.It is held at the big church on Rt. 59 on the left before the Fox Valley Mall.

I know you won't be dissapointed. You can come and just try it. They do offer child care during all sessions. Hope to see you there,

K. P

It's been over a year that my husband and I went on a marriage encounter weekend - and it really was an eye opener for BOTH of us. We thought we had an ok marriage. . .but after this encounter weekend - WOW!!! We both realized what we were lacking in our marriage and instead of feeling "alone" in our marriage, we realized we could communicate in a much, MUCH better way. You can see more information about it at alifetimeoflove.org If you have any questions about it, you can send me a personal email - but we both HIGHLY recommend it. It really has made us a better husband and wife and MUCH better parents. . .hope everything works out for you and your family.

Hi C.,
The only counselling I recommend is spiritual counselling(the word is free) from your pastor. If you don't have one or a church home your physician can recommend or close friends/family members. Please don't give up on your marriage! Get a relationship with Christ and things will get better for you and your family I promise! Just hold on to Christ!

Hi C. -

I just had to respond because I feel so much like you. I have been married all of 1 1/2 years and have an 8 month old baby girl. My husband has been on the couch for over a year (he claims due to his back). I think he is scared to death of intimacy. Anyways, I agree that it really prevents the closeness necessary for love. We are definitely like room-mates and he claims that he is not sexually aroused by me any longer. He says I should try to lose weight for "my husband". I gained about 55 lbs and so far have only lost 25. I have never been good at excercise, but have never been larger than a size 12 in my whole life. Anyways - we also have tremendous disagreements about EVERYTHING, i.e. my weight, how tired I am (since I work full-time) and every other imaginable thing from proper etiquette with family and friends to whether he can take my 8 month old daughter on the riding mower with him. Sometimes I feel I will pull my hair out. We went to counseling for a short time and he refuses to go back. I go myself now to help with the depression, but am beginning to realize that I have to help myself first. I have so much resentment that I keep trying to stuff down and it just explodes all over whenever we have a disagreement or he says I should consider hormone therapy (!) My plan is to keep trying to pursue joy through friends and taking my daughter out on weekends. I know it sounds sad, but I really believe when I put myself around esteem building people who validate me, I become much more patient and forgiving.

I hope you find your answers. I too feel strongly about not subjecting our daughter to fights or especially having her see me cry all day. I hope this will motivate me to try to find the answer.

Thanks for listening and best of luck.

I would recommend the Biblical Counseling Center in Arlington Heights.

Hi. I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time in your marriage right now. You may want to watch the movie Fire Proof with Kirk Cameron. At the very least it represents the hard part of marriage, and I am sure every married couple watching it can relate. There's a book that the husband works through that helps him out, and you can find that book in the bookstores.

My husband and I went through our hard times, and we chose to work through them, which was really difficult. But in the end, having our family together and being stable, plus we growing a lot as a couple (through a church group and a counselor, and reading books together, and making our relationship a priority) was worth it. ....not an easy process, but worth it.

Best of luck to you.

Birth of a child definitively changes couples dinamics! It is simply a challenging time a couple has to get through. Everyone involved has to find their role and place is this new family and some people do have hard time. I cannot advise you on the counselling, do what you have to do to help yourself and your son.
There is a type of the man that never find a place in a family, they cannot be changed. There is also a type that do not know better but willing to work on it. See which one fits your husband because he definitively not the natural daddy-family man type.
As for sleeping together, that does not reflect how intimate the couple is. I have a friend and they do not sleep together for years because he snors but they are very intimate and find other times to bond.
Good luck!

Obviously you guys have been together for quite some time and it's a possibility that the baby brought some changes in both of you. You both have to work through them in order to make your marriage work, since you waited 6 years to marry, there is something that attracted you two together. It's not easy when babies cry and stuff, but both of you have to put some effort into the relationship to make it work. Prayer and going to mass is the best answer, but also get some counseling. Fox Valley Dreyer has a good therapist, but I cannot remember his name. He's a more mature man. There are many marriages going through the same, but the both of you should work together at it. It's just too easy to give up and that is why we see so many divorces now-a-days. God did not say it was going to be easy, but we have to work to achieve happiness and peace. Pray, be patient and do your part and I'm sure you'll see change. Fireproof is a good movie for both of you.

It sounds like you're having a really difficult time. I would recommend The Family Institute at Northwestern: http://www.family-institute.org/candp.aspx They offer counseling services on a sliding fee scale.

Best of luck, wherever life takes you,
R.

Hi! I know this must be hard for you to share, but when I read your request, my heart ached. My husband I have been married for nearly 6 years as well. We had great marriage counseling. We attend Wheaton Bible Church, and met with a man named Rob Rienow. I would highly recommend meeting with him, if you live close by. He is compassionate, and yet straight forward at the same time! He is the Family and Counseling Pastor at the church. He has also put out a video series and is in charge of "Visionary Parenting," which might be helpful for you guys at this time! You can look at the church's website at www.wheatonbible.org Also, a great DVD series..."Laugh Your Way TO A Better Marriage." Mark Grungor. So funny, and a lot to be learned! I promise you won't be disappointed!!! Best of luck to guys! I hope everything works out for you!

Blessings,
E.

I don't know where you are located but try the Family Institute in Evanston. It's part of Northwestern University and has a a big team of wonderful counselors. Insurance usually covers this but check with your carrier. Best of luck to you.

My heart breaks for you! But you're not alone. First of all, I don't know where you live, but I do have some recommendations of good counselors. Every marriage has its rocky times, but STAY COMMITTED! It's so important for your son. (I have a 19 month old boy, too) Okay, so I highly recommend:
Beverly Burch - her office is in Wheaton. You could probably google her to get a #. Otherwise, e-mail me and I'll dig for it. My husband and I have seen her in the past.
Also, my husband is one of 3 pastors at Glen Ellyn Bible Church. His name is Brian and the head pastor's name is Kelly (a man). They both do marriage counseling...Kelly for more years than my husband. Just know that your story is common (even if details are different). ANY marriage can be redeemed by God's intervention. Believe me, I've seen it! Even if you don't think you have it in you or you're not sure if your husband is willing to compromise, etc...with God's healing power it can get so much better! Kelly Brady (the pastor) is a husband and parent and a great counselor. I'd highly recommend giving him a call. Just chance it...it costs nothing! You can reach him at Glen Ellyn Bible Church, 501 E. Hillside Avenue, Glen Ellyn, IL 60137....630/469-2964. Monday is his day off, but you could leave him a message or speak with him any other day this week. I so hope that you are able to find the help that you and your husband need to come to an understanding and reconnect with each other.

It sounds like what is happening to one of my best friends. Please try marriage counseling first, you would be surprised how much it can help. The counselor can help you open up and express (and deal with) the feelings that you are experiencing. You may be surprised to discover what might be causing the problems as it can be so simple. My friend swears that counseling saved her marriage of almost 9 years (they dated for 11 years before getting married)and also have a little one. Best of luck to you and I hope that everything works out for the best.

Try the couples clinic. www.thecouplesclinic.com

They run seminars, counceling and write articles. Give it a try. They will bill your insurance.

First, you need to start sleeping in the same bed together. Have him see a sleeping habits expert. They may be able to help with his snoring. Even if you start off in bed together then switch rooms if he wakes you up or you can't sleep. My husband & many men sort of shut down emotionally when there is no intimacy. It's not just about sex, it's about feeling connected to your partner. Simple things like holding his hand, giving him a hug & kiss when he gets home or telling him you've had a rough day & need a hug from him will help melt this wall he is putting up. Many men start feeling ignored & left out once a child comes into the scene. I think men can be more high maintenance than women in many ways. I also think he will argue with you less about your parenting style differences if you guys are more emotionally connected with each other. Going to counseling is a great idea, but doing small things to let him know he is still "your man" will do wonders.

My husband's snoring got so bad I too began sleeping in the guest room. This really upset him. He said, why be married if we don't sleep in the same bed. But this prompted him to go to a specialist and have a sleep study done. They found that when he slept on his back he had severe apnea and snored. Our solution was very low tech. I sewed tennis balls into the back of a t-shirt that he wears to bed. I still sleep with earplugs for the light snoring he does on his side but he no longer has those big snortley snores he used to get sleeping on his back. We are much closer and less sleep deprived. Hope this helps!

I understand what you;re going through. My husband and I are in counseling ourselves, very enlightening. The best way to find a counselor is to call your insurance company. They will give you referrals and you will make sure that you are covered, rather than calling every therapist in the phone book. I really like ours and would be willing to give you his name, just message me. I chose a man this time (yes, we've been before), because I thought my husband could relate better to a man and I didn't mind. I think it's really helped. Also, I just wanted to say that I know we all have visions of marrying the loves of our lives and having wonderful families and growing old, but if that's not the case, it isn't good for your son to be around the tension. It'd be much better for him to see you working together, but separately, to raise him. It's not good for him to see you sad. Good Luck to you, nothing but the best!

Remember that you are not the same person as you were the six years you two were together also. He must have snored then and you put up with it because you loved him. My husband was put on a C-PAP machine at bedtime. It gives the air circulation he needed to keep the sinus and inside nose holes OPEN..no more noise. I can imagine how short of sleep you both are because when they're asleep they are not getting the oxygen they need to make the body function properly. He's probably exhausted all day long as you are, I'm sure...I live it. Until my husband died wihout the c-pap during a 2 1/2 day hospital stay. I'de give anything to hear that snore again. Also, however he was raised is how he naturally raises the child. It's what he saw and grew up with as your raising is probably similar to your upbringing. Counsseling teaches you that but a lot of men don't want to hear it. They're not home all day caring and nurturing like you. I'm sure your child has changed that from when you were childless. He and you need parenting skills otherwise you'll only learn they you do it and you won't have that man you loved so much 12 years ago. Good luck honey. We went thru this and lost eachother for 5 years of our 27 year marriage. Thank GOD the last years were as great as the first 17.

I recommend Diane Bubeck if you are near Naperville.
Details are at her website:
http://www.bubeckandassociates.com/
She provides psychotherapy for individuals and couples.