Is Separation the Answer?? HELP!

You are way to young to settle for this relationship. He will never change unless he wants to. As hard as it may seem, in my opinion, you need to get out now.

The answer to your question is in your own letter. I know you are young but this is not love. You are dating a little boy and NO you will not change him. Get out why you are still young. I made the same mistake. I married a very immature man who is now my ex and is still immature. I am now married for 20 years to a wonderful mature husband and father. I had a child with my first husband too. You will gain nothing by staying in this situation but heartache and your baby will be raised in a verbally abusive environment. One more thing, once I left my situation, I can't tell you how happy and relieved I was. I realized I was better off alone than with a childish womanizing man.

Don't know what kind of love that is. The way he disregards your feelings and disrespects you. One of your jobs as a parent is to teach your daughter how to be respected as a person, how to respect other people, teach her good eating habits, teach her to abide by the law, teach her how a family should function, teach her about healthy relationships( this is between lovers, friends, siblings, etc.)The chaos or hard feelings your husband is causing is not worth it. Save yourself time and your daughter time and don't invest anymore in this relationship. You are a momma now and your daughter needs you more than he needs someone to sleep with. His priorities aren't straight. Don't let him pull you off track. I was in the same situation. My little girls dad was looking at stuff on the computer and talking to people. I excused it a couple of times then finally moved out and went to live with my mom. Baby didnt have to be in the middle of drama. Girl they know when they are little like that. And for yourself just be patient and date around with respect to your daughter. Just because you had a baby dont mean your stuck with him. Make sure you get on birthcontrol. anyways for you and your daughter get away from him. his age isn't an excuse anymore he is in another world now and he needs to own it.

Unfortunately you are married now and that makes things more difficult and you have a baby.

If you seperate chances are you won't get back together especially if he is attracted to or even playing around with other girls now.

i feel that you are afraid of being alone and like most women you gave your heart to this man when you gave him your body and had his baby. Unfortunately for the baby.

You are wonderfully and marvelously made. Live for and love God first. Seek after God and his will for your life with all your heart. Let the man go! and then be still. Don't cry after him and plead with him. Don't fret when he finds someone else. If you do these things God will heal your heart and you will find that God will give you the desires of your heart if you wait on him (not the man, GOD)

I have been where you are. Don't move with him!
"Love" is often misnamed for fear of being alone, strong affection, lust, obligation to give shildren a "family".
Your daughter needs to grow up with a healthy self-esteem and sense of who she is. She will get that from you and how you let men talk to you and treat you.

God bless you

Laura,
My husband and I got together when we were 15. By 17 we had our first daughter and we were "in love". I can honestly say that I can relate to everything you are saying because I went through the same thing. It is so hard to decide what to do in these situations because you know how hard you are both working on this in one way or another. Especially with the school thing and working. I chose to stick it out and we have been together for 13 years and we are happy and have actually done very well for ourselves but I have to admit at times it has been very hard. I love him more now than I ever did before but there are still times I think how did we make it? I would never say you should split up for a while because personally I think that you go your separate way and things happen between him and someone else and that is harder to repair! Don't base your relationship on what you think you should do but rather what you would like your life to be like in 30-50 years from now, if he is the one you see next to you on that rocking chair on the porch (or where ever) then try again and again. Marriage is not easy and I think sometimes it gets harder before it gets better. Good Luck!

The first thing you should do is get on the best birth control out there, and if it is not an IUD, but one you have to take daily, make sure you take it and do not get pregnant again with this boy.

I know where you're at, I've been there less the child. It is so hard once someone has lowered your self esteen the way this boy has done to you to convince yourself that you ARE strong enough to go on without him, and you ARE lovable enough to find someone nice to love you. I know how hard that is, and the only thing that helped me realize how strong and lovable I am was counseling and God, but honestly, at that point mostly counseling. I'm not talking couples counseling, just you, individually.

What this boy is doing to you is abusive. Whether he is a total jerk or just very immature I don't know, but its wrong either way, and its wrong for your daughter to have to see it.

What it sounds like is two very young kids who got into a very adult situation and one of them is not emotionally ready to handle that situation. It may be that he does love you and his daughter, but your daughter needs stability, and if he is too immature to give her that then you need to step up and be strong enough to.

I really don't mean to sound harsh, I know how much of a struggle this if for you, and i know how hard it is to let go even when it is letting someone go who is not good for you.

Best of luck hun, I pray you have a supportive family that will help you and your baby through this :)

I would suggest that since you still ove each other, you get some marital councelling before it's to late. You don't have to be married to do that either.

Just to let you know, my boyfriend then husband was exactly the same way with the jokes and the flirting and the distance. When my son was born with blone hair (as all the kids in my family are... for generations) he accused me of sleeping around. Yes, he was joking, but after the third week, it got really old and I drew the line at him saying it in front of family and friends. I tried talking to him about limits and well, lets just say he's now the EX-husband.
If you don't take care of this, it will get out of hand. Maybe you do need space because of what's going on, but if you address the problem (to a councellor on neutral ground) you might be able to solve your problems before they get to EX. As for me, I waited way too long and he refused to go to councelling or see a pastor.
I wish you the best of luck.

Your boyfriend / husband sounds very emotionally immature and doesn't cherish you or your baby by openly flirting with other women, calling you names, etc. He is destroying your self-esteem and won't be a valuable full-time father. See an attorney pronto and get out of your emotionally abusive relationship. If your boyfriend really loves you, he would treat you with respect and honor. After you seperate, find a church home where you can raise your daughter in a Christian environment and a place you will develop friends who will truly love you, support you, and encourage you. Don't look back.

I can't give you the advice I'm sure you're wanting, but I feel love is complicated in general and there are certain times in life when love is worth fighting for. I'm not one to say young love doesn't work because I got pregnant at 18 and my husband and I got married when I was 19 and he was 21. He's now 24 and in the military. We've definately had our ups and downs and he's changed a great deal. All I can say is you'll know in your heart if you think it'll work. And if you honestly think that it wont, then you've got to be strong enough to get out. Raising a child on your own wont be easy, but it's possible and trust me there is a guy out there who will love you and love you for who you are and not feel in necessary to make fun of you all the time. It's probably dropped your self esteem, and you can't let that happen. Get back up and push forward. Just don't let him walk all over you. If he's willing to work things out then go for it, but from the sounds of it, both of you need a break and in the end if yalls break ends in you two getting back together GREAT! If it takes a different turn...always know that there is someone better.

If he really loved you, he wouldn't be treating you this way. You don't have just yourself to think about anymore, you also have your baby girl. Even though your daughter is only 6 months old, she feels the tension that goes on between you two. Do you think it's fair to your daughter to feel all that? I don't. You're young and you deserve to be truly happy and there's someone out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I know you say you love him, but if you're that miserable you may surprise yourself and be much happier without him. Good luck!

The best thing to do is to GET OUT!!! I had an ex husband that was the exact same way, I was 19 and he was 23. We didn't have any children together but I raised his daughter for 5 years... I got to the point your at several times. I left the first time after 3 years and went back and left for good 2 years later. It has made me a better, stronger person. You can stay with him, but I guarantee he will never change or it will take him at least 10 - 15 years to do so, and if you want to waste your life away waiting would be totally up to you. I have been there and 3 of my sisters have been too, and they all waited out but they are in their 30's now and their men are just now starting to calm down. You need to do what is in the best interest for your daughter.... Good luck to you in whatever decision you make

Are you happy? I mean completely happy? I was in a similar situation (married right out of high school, but no children). When I was w/ my ex-husband, I would come up with reasons to convince myself to stay. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I'll explain my situation. He was emotionally abusive, and sometimes physically. But, I told myself I loved him, b/c I thought I did. I didn't. I cared about him, but he didn't return the favor. He liked controlling me, and by making fun of me or talking down to me, he had the upper hand. I will never forget the day his own mother told me to leave him. Eventually I did, and I cried for weeks. My sister put it to me perfectly...I cried b/c our relationship was dead. No, I wasn't in love with him even though I thought I did. I have since married a wonderful man who would never say things to hurt me intentionally and he doesn't dare tell me he'd sleep with somebody else...even if he was just joking. (I don't think it would be joking, b/c you don't say something like that...especially not over and over. Eventually you start to believe what you are saying.) My current husband is wonderful and I really do love him, and I know it. I think you need to look at the situation. Can you live the rest of your life like this? If you seperate, will you be ok w/ your husband sleeping/dating other women? Will you date other men? Personally I think if you can see yourself or your husband seeing other people, then your marriage is over. I'm very conservative when it comes to marriage and I believe if you think about cheating, you are cheating.
You need to do a lot of soul searching. Don't stay in a marriage for a child, because it will only make it worse. I'm very sorry for the situation you are going through and I feel for you...I really do. Message me if you want to talk some more...we can always get together sometime. If you want, you can talk to my husband as well. He will be honest, whether you want to hear it or not and he's a really good person to talk to b/c he will give you a "guy's" opinion.

Good Luck, and pray about it!

L.,
First of all if he loved you "ENOUGH" he would marry you and not pretend. LIFE is too short and you are wasting some of your best years. Please know that you do not have to settle. You are worth it all. It is important that you believe that otherwise you are doom to continue in a deadend relationship. Second, you deserve someone who will respect you. Love automatically respects and builds up, not tear down. Do you really love him? or are you holding on because you feel it is easier? Breaking ties is hard to do but sometimes it is the right thing to do. Luckily your baby is young enough to not have to go through the emotional baggage of a break up. There is someone out there that will love you for you, realizing that you are a queen and will treat you as such. No man is worth a life of saddness, sorrow and regret. If you think he is fooling around, then he is because a woman always knows. We sometimes make excuses to fool ourselves, but deep down we know. So why g through that. You can be miserable all by yourself. Why be miserable with someone. Life is already a bug-a-bear, why make it harder than it has to be. Go on make the move and you'll see; when the smoke clears you'll wonder why you waited so long and put up with such disrespect.

Ever heard of the 80/20 rule? Let him go he will be the loser not you. He will lose and 80 and end up with a 20. Oh yeah and don't look back when he realizes the well is dry and comes back to try syphone the bottom of that well. Last but not least "Put God inyour life and things will become alot easier".
C.

Hey, L.

Seems to me that you are already "separated" since he is gone all day. There is a great book that helped me a great deal to manage some difficult situations with my husband. It is called " Boundaries in the Marriage" or something like that. You may find it at any Christian store. What I learned is to not tolerate upsetting situations and to express my thoughts in a way that will not make the situation worse. For instance, if you feel that your BF is not treating you with respect then you have to let him know how you feel w/o creating a fight. For example by telling him that you have decided to keep your distance when he gets in a disrespectful behavior. You are both still very young and it seems that he needs to mature but he needs to do it on his own. You will not be able to change him but you ought to change yourself for a better life and your offspring.
I think you have a good start by asking us for help but most important ask God to guide you, ask Him for wisdom, patience, love for yourself. You are in a tough situation but God is preparing you for a better things.
Also, if you haven't read "7 steps for a better life" of Joel Osteen - I highly recommend it. Read it!

Good luck girl!

Hi, i was just reading your article and i think that from the way you feel i can see that you still love him and i don't blame you. But it is not fair for your daughter to see all of these emotions and bad wording that he is saying to you in front of her. She will eventually say them to you because daddy is saying them and she will. Soon or later she will embarssed you in public. You don't want it to go that far. So i think you should really sit in a quiet place and talk to god and ask him what to do and if you feel that you have peace in your heart to leave him. It is a wise choice. If not, then you will have to get the courage to challenge him in his own game. Do something with your life and try not to change the things you can't. But change the things you can. Because when someone you love treats you like trash he eventually will start to beat you up. So if he says that he needs to part from you, give him options and mean everything you say. Stand your ground. Be sure that he will continue to support you financialy. If and when he does leave, you will feel scared or frightened, don't be because it is then that you will begin to feel free from all the abused words that has scarfed you. You need to start thinking positively and only then can the victory be yours. The sooner ,the better. You have to make a choice about you and your daughter's happiness. You want your daughter to grow up in an positve enviornment? If her daddy has caused you so much pain and grief. He can say those things to her and not realize that it will effect her personality. So my friend you have a wise decision to make. And good luck. I'll be praying for you and hope to hear very exciting news. Until then.good-bye.

Dear L., It sounds like this is not the right guy for you. It also sounds like he is taking advantage of you emotionally and with your living arrangement. I think when he gets the apartment, you and your daughter should stay at home where you are. As far as him saying it is a good idea to date other people, he may just be saying these things to hide his own insecurities. Either way, it is NOT OK for you to be treated badly emotionally, or made fun of, and it is time you learn to stand up for yourself (been there, done that!). No man is worth losing yourself over and he isn't worth much if he can't provide a loving relationship with you and your daughter. It is obvious that whether or not he "loves" you, he doesn't "respect" you. Another good, and frightening idea is to ask your parents. They will have a good idea of this guy and his merits or lack of.
Consider their opinion. There are plenty of good guys out there, you may have just been looking in the wrong places. Get yourself to church...of any denomination. You will find good people to associate with and can make good friends who will respect you. YOU ARE A DAUGHTER OF GOD AND SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE NOTHING LESS!

Hi.. I admit to not knowing your whole situation, but I would definitely plan to split. Not only is this a negative situation for you, but I would hate to see your daughter grow up thinking this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman he loves... sounds like you are already at home, so I would move in with the parents for awhile, as they will be a great help with the baby, and spend time focusing on yourself, your baby, and your future with a positive person. I hope this helps.. I am sure you are having so many doubts, but now that you are a mother,you have to do what is best for your daughter. Good Luck.

L.,
I know you are young, scared, and feeling very alone right now, perhaps even powerless. But the truth is you have a lot of power right now. You can choose to be treated better, choose to raise your daughter in a loving and respectful environment, choose to be strong and independent. You have come to a crossroads in your life and now is the time for you to ask yourself what you want for yourself and your daughter for your future. Honey, your email says it all...your relationship was over a long time ago; you are holding on to something that doesn't exist anymore. This isn't love. You can't go back to the past and you can't make someone feel something they don't, and the more you try the more he is going to resent you and pull away from you. Relationships change and grow as do individuals and unfortunately not always together. You are a strong, beautiful, and intelligent woman, don't ever forget that. Don't let him strip you of your self respect, dignity, and confidence. Give your daughter a role model to look up to. Growing up is a scary thing and you are having to grow up fast, but you can do it. Even if you really feel like you still love him deep down, sometimes the best thing we can do for those we love is to let them go, if it is meant to be he will find his way back to you. I know that may sound corny but it is true. Right now it sounds as though you both need to get away from each other. You both need to discover who you are as individuals, who you want to be in this world and your place in it, and what you want from life. Perhaps when you both know more about yourselves as individuals, if you do find your way back to one another you will understand more fully what you need from one another. And lets face it; you are not getting your needs met. You are not getting the love, respect, and support that you require or this email would not exist. I won't lie; letting him go is going to hurt like hell, but you can do it. You can't love him enough for the both of you, so love yourself and your daughter enough to walk away. Please don't settle for less than the best, you deserve a life full of love and happiness and so does your daughter. It is better for your daughter that you are seperated than being subjected to the fighting, name calling, resentment and anger that is developing between the two of you. Trust in yourself and in God. I wish you the best of luck and will be praying for you both.

A separation can go either way. Alot of times he/she may thinks its greener on the other side of the fence but after a while they learn that they've made a mistake but after time takes its toll on the one willing to work it out it's too late and you start losing the feelings fot the person. This has been my experience in the past.
Go with you gut feeling it is usually right.
Good Luck !

Fast forward 18 years and see yourself talking to your blue eyed baby girl and she is telling you she is in a situation exactly like yours. What would you tell her?

Let me ask you this. Are you better off with him or without him? I'm not talking about financially, I'm talking in terms of your self-esteem. This is how it starts. I was there once. First the name calling and degrading, then the hitting and beating. Remember that this relationship is not only about you and him or you "so-called" love for each other. You have a little girl and what she learns as she grows is how she's going to view married life for herself. Don't you want better for her? Remember, love is not supposed to hurt. I say leave while you still have some dignity.

You have alot of advice from a variety of experiences here. Any of them could be what you need to do, my suggestion is to find a counsler or preacher to be with you as you choose which path to take. An unbiased trained individual to give you support and help you make the decisions that are right for you, your daughter and your situation will make the process alot less scary and will give you the support you may need to make diffucult decisions. They will also have the resources and connections available for any legal actions you may decide to take, those that you know about and those that you may not know about that would help you make it to an easier time in your life.

I did the same thing. Got married at 19, had a baby before 21. As soon as we got pregnant he turned into a six year old. Stayed out all night with his buddies drinking. He didn't respect me and I didn't respect him. I got out a month after I had my daughter. I moved in with my parents and now I've graduated school and am ready to support the two of us (my daughter and me). Your parents will be there for you. Just talk to them. And if they're not, there is always WIC, section 8 housing, PELL grants, and other government assistance. I know all about it...unfortunately. But now I'm able to take care of myself, which is what every woman should be able to do. If you know that you can take care of yourself, then you don't NEED a man for anything!

We stayed married, on paper, for another four years after I left and then finally got a divorce when his-now 'wife'-hooked her claws in him. It NEVER works out! They will never change. My daughter is seven now and I felt it best to get out before she got 'attached' to him, and for good reason.....he hasn't spent a total of two months with her (during her entire 7 [almost 8] years of life)! Now he's got a kid with wife number 2 and she's ready to move back in with her folks too!

Bite the bullet and take the harder road. I know money seems tight and you think there's no hope without the two of you working together to make it in this world. Forget that way of thinking! You are so much better off without that mess.

Like the other responses, you need to show your very young daughter how to respect herself AND YOU! If you want what's best for her get out. Just think, in 20 years she will be living in a trailer in your back yard with a dick-head boyfriend that treats her like dirt! STOP the cycle now. Think of your daughter. And if she sees HIM treating you like that....SHE will treat you like that too!

Sure, my daughter misses her dad every now and then, and I don't ever stop him from seeing her, but she knows who to come to when she is sad or in trouble.

I hope you can see where I'm coming from. I wish you the best.

~Be strong

Do you love your daughter? Do you love yourself? If so, then you both are more deserving. I've been there. Actually, my situation started out a lot like yours, with the comments, and the making fun of me. After a while, he began to become more than just emotionally abusive.... he became physically abusive. I was 18 when I finally left him. It seemed like the harder I tried to stay and make things "better" and work on our relationship, the worse they got. If he's not happy (with or without you), you will never be able to make him happy. Trust me I promise. I was fortunate, we didn't have any children. I did get pregnant during our relationship, but I lost the baby. While that in itself was devistating, I know that the baby was better off. You need to make sure that your baby is better off too. She is your # 1 priority, and I'm sure you are a fantastic Mom. She deserves you to be at your best ALWAYS! Dads are great, and she's lucky to have one. But, you are not replaceable. You have to remember that.

Ok, so things will be hard. I completely get that. Do you need to move out of the trailer for financial reasons, or are your parents moving it off their property? Will they let you stay there if he goes? Do you have other relatives that will let you move in with them? Or friends? If not, I am happy to try to help you find a place. I know that there are several homes out there for single moms who are coming out of abusive relationships. While you might not see yours as that, an outsider does.

Perhaps he does feel trapped, or just needs to "catch" his breath. I'm sure that he does love you. Obviously you love him. You are so blessed to have a beautiful baby girl, treasure her. Let him go. If he comes back, then travel down that road then. Don't beat yourself up if he doesn't.

I was in such a depressive state after I left "Mike." I thought I'd never be able to fall in love again. Regardless of what he did to me, he was the greatest. However, after being seperated for a while, I realized I could breathe. I could relax and enjoy life again. And, just a short while after that, I met my "Mr. Perfect." A wonderful, amazing loving man. Who has never said an unkind word to me, who accepts me as I am, flaws and all. Who loves being married w/ children. He's the greatest father and provider. He has allowed me to be a stay at home mom for the last 12 years, and only work when I want too. He's just so incredible. I never knew love like that, until I met him. And, he's never once compared me to other girls. Which was a daily thing with "Mike." My husband and I have been married for 13 1/2 yrs, we have 3 wonderful sons and we are considering adopting a baby girl in the next year or so.

Happiness is out there. Don't give up on it, yourself, or your little girl. You deserve it. Good luck, and please feel free to email me if you need to talk, need advice, or need any help at all.

God Bless You.

C.
____@____.com

Young Lady, let me quote you part of a song that fits your situation. "I keep wondering what I'm going to do without you so I just go on hurting and pretending-convincing myself to give it one more try- I guess neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye". YOU KNOW what you need to do not only for your self but your child as well. You will convey to your daugther to stay in a non commited, disrespected,immature relationship is okay. You are hoping things will get better; but, look at his behavior. Is real love, true love suppose to feel like this or behave like this? NO!!!Indeed. A first love is hard to get over especially when a child is born. If a relationship is shaky already, a child will only add to the unstability because both people must be mature and committed. Baby girl, first learn how to love yourself and child and go on with your life. When you are truly ready, Mr. Right will come along. BE BLESSED. Sincerely S. B

I have listened to your cry. I noticed that your email address says just for my little girl. Think about that, are you really staying for your daughter or for yourself. if you continue to stay who are your helping, yourself! It's not your daughter. Ask yourself is this the way you want your daughter to be treated or should she think this is how a WOMEN should be treated. Get a piece of paper and write down your pro's and con's and which ever one ways the most then you decide. Girl first thing first PRAY until something happens. You can act like you are leaving and see how he reacts. You are young and still have your hold life ahead of you. Think abut it. I'm not saying leave him but give him something to think about. YOU!!!! Sincerly, D.

this is from and oldr lady who has been around the block. get out, what are you thinking???? sound if he really wants out but is staying for the baby. open you hands and let him go see how it goes, go to your parents seek their help so you can go to school. i did that and it took a while but i got my nursing degree and was on my own with 2 kids , got married and i have been to the most wondeerful man for 28 years. and not the one i let go! he went on to have many other women in his life, now he is alone, poor man. but i live in a nice home still have a son at home going to university, who has a wonderful woman in his life that is here everyday. and so is my husband.

I am a Mother of an Adult son whom I raised alone. I am currently being a step mom to a 20 yr. old and 16 year old.
It concerns me that you say you "declared yourself married for Ins. purposes" I hope it's not for "LIfe Ins".
Secondly, I know it's embarrassing to you that people see you as "not happy" but trust me, you should tell your Mom or confide in a sibling or someone the truth.
Do not live in a situation that lowers your self esteem and do not settle for a guy that tells you he "wants to sleep with this person or that person, cause honey, he will.
You are in control of your own life, and if you let him treat you like a door mat, he will. He will have more respect for you if you tell him not to do something that hurts your feelings. If he continues to do so, need I say more?
I know you share a child together, but it takes two to make a relationship work.
I hope you really talk to someone about your situation.

Concerned Mom

It sounds to me like you and this man need serious counseling. If he were willing to go with you it might help you both, so you can identify where you are going in this relationship.

I would also suggest to you...develop yourself so that you will be able to support your daughter and yourself if something happens.

This young man sounds like he is not ready to totally make a commitment to you only. Counseling would be a good thing for you both.

Best Wishes.

Wow you have a lot of good response. I know you are afraid, but he cannot change as long as you put up with that kind of treatment. Why would he? He still gets what he wants. Trust me you don't want to raise your child in that kind of environment. In my relationship i had a hard time calmly and rationally standing up for myself. When I did, he came around. First I had to prepare for the worst and be okay with it. (Meaning we split and did not get back together.) You can do it. You deserve better.

Hi L.. You will ALWAYS love you 1st love. I think you already know your answer - listen to your heart. Sometimes you can love someone who is just not good for you. Remember that your little girl will learn how a man is suppose to treat her from you.

L.,listen I understand where you are coming from cause I'm in that kind of situation right now as we speak.I have been in this relationship for 7 years and we seperated for 2 of the 7 years,and on my end nothing has changed at all in no form.We still argue alot and he kind of stays with me and he doesn't help me do anything,but he takes me to the grocery store and around the house he don't do anything at all.It hurts to have him in my house and I'm paying all the bills,but he is the one that's working and he says the money he sends to child support is the money for me to put on my bills.Mind you he stay with me for now and I cook,clean,and stay at home and take care of the house and my kids.He goes out alot with his friends and leaves me at home especially on the weekend when he is off on Sundays.I liked it better when we was seperated cause I had my own car and I was doing what I wanted to do and we hardly seen each other at all.The relationship is not worth the depression and stress that you go through trying to keep your boufriend for you child.Some men think some single women can't make it without a man but they are wrong as I don't know what.So what I'm really saying is don't stay on the relationship cause you think it is the right thing to do for your child cause in the long run it may not be what's right at all.I trying to figure away to get out of mines right now cause since he been around my daughter thinks she only have to listen to what he has to say and not me.Good Luck

I am a firm believer that what is meant to be...will be. I was with someone for 6 years and things were very rocky the last 6 months or so. We decided to separate and take some time apart. As soon as he moved out I regretted it. It was so hard on me because we loved each other very much, but we both had some growing up to do. I always told him that if it was meant to be, we would be together again when the time was right for both of us. We continued to keep in touch with each other as we both started seeing other people. After 2 years we started having more and more serious discussions about what we really wanted for the future. We decided that the love we really shared was still strong and no one else could fill the void. It was almost 3 years that we were apart. We got back together and after a year we decided to finally get married. We have a son now and we are finally grown up enough to appreciate everything our relationship has to offer.

You know, when we were separated and I kept telling him that if it was meant to be it would happen, he always kinda laughed me off. I didn't let that bother me. Now, when something comes up about the past, he says, "you know...you always said if it was meant to be, it would happen..."

If one of you feel that you need a break, you should take it because if you don't that person may begin to really feel trapped and stray just to be in control of SOMETHING. You do what you feel is best for you and your child. Everything will work out for you in the end.

Yes you should separate. Think of your child and the environment you are raising her. Sometimes you have to think with your head not your heart. The old saying "if you love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours if it doesn't it never was"

It depends on , If he is willing to make it work , or dose he want out , and are you willing to forgive him for the insults he has inflicted on you . You see ,honey when a man says hurtful things some times not even an apology will take away the hurt you felt at the time he said what he did . Talking from experience . I was married to a very abussive husband ,he use to make me feel so bad that I started to believe him . It just lead to depression , and that could hurt your mothering skills and its not your baby's fault .So my advise to you is to first try to talk to him and tell him how you feel and if he wants out , you can't force him to love you if his love for you has changed , ask him if there is something that you did to make him chance his feeling for you . I would also suggest that you pray to God for his guideance . Your baby deserves to grow up in a healthy relationship rather than a relationship where there is to much confusion . Think of your child up bringing . Don't stay in a relationship for your baby's sake . Be happy and your child will grow up being happy too. Isn't that what you want for her. You are both young and it is hard, to think of your life without the father of your child but , there is a song that I once head that says , I can't make you love me if you won't . It reminds me of your relationship , and I once was in love with a man that I adored but when I felt that he had fallen out of love with me , it was more hurtful for me to go on with him knowing that he didn't love me the way that I loved him so I let him go , even though it hurt me so to do so . But every time he laid next to me , he made me feel so sad and lonely that I found that I didn't want to feel like that anymore it hurt too much so I knew that leaving him would also hurt but I would soon get over him rather than going on letting him hurt me more over and over again. It took over an year for me to get over him but I find myself realizing that I had made the right decision in the long run. Grant it that I didn't have a child with him so I can't really compare this relationship with yours but I feel that the love is the same .I think that you deserve to be loved by some one who will love you the way that you deserve .So in short you are the only one that can really make that decision , don't cut yourself short , remember to love yourself first and then someone can love you back. I hope I didn't confuses you, I just wanted to let you know that it is so important to be happy so that you can show your daughter that it is okay to love and to be loved , and when that changes you have to move on .I mean try to work at it but if there is nothing more then move on to be happy so that you can carry on that cycle and life is too short to be unhappy , there times in every ones life that we are faced with disappointments and we can't give up to quickly but there is no need to go on with an unhappy partner if both of you aren't willing to work at it . It is also important how your child see her parents that will show your child good morals . Instead of negative relationship teach your children how to love and not to settle for less. May God Bless you and I will pray for you . I wanted you to know that I will also pray for your husband that he will be convicted of his irresponsible and disrespectiable behavior and begin to live the way he should and treat you better or if you decide to leave him or for whom ever you chose to be in your life to treat you with respect and love you and your daughter the way you two deserve to be loved and I will pray that you will have the wisdom to deal with your situation and that you will turn to God for the strength that you need . The Bible says , "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed , a stronghold in times of trouble" Psalm 9:9 You also need to know that others care for you. As I can see in all the responses you have gotten .I also want you to know that Gods cares for you too and he wants to help you .May you both discover the joy and the peace that comes from trusting Christ ,even in the midst of life's turmoil and uncertainty. God Bless. your friend O.

It is obvious he has no respect for you. As hard as it may be you need to force him to make a choice. I think a separation is in order. If he has any ounce of love for you he will be very cooperative. Once you acomplish this then you need to tell him that y'all get married or it's over. I suggest some Christian counseling. Once you stand up for yourself then he will respect you like he never has.

L.,
You deserve happiness. I know you are young and in love. I want you to find the book The Emotional Abuser..Can He Change. I was married for 15 yrs. I am recently divorced. We had a happy marriage for 10 years. The last five years were hell. My husband could not handle the pressure of being a father and as a result turned to emotionally abusing me to make himself feel better. I thank God that I knew it was unacceptable behavior and got out. It took me two years of seriously considering divorce before I moved out. Please remember that if he really loved you he would not treat you this way. He does not have the self esteem to love himself, so to make him feel better he belittles and degrades you. It is not you. This behavior has to do with him and his insecurities. I know it is not easy, but I have learned that we are given second chapters in life and you can start your now. I wish the best in your journey to happiness.
Sincerely,
Danabeth

i'M SO sorry that you find yourself in this situation... I've read many of the responses and I'm coming from a totally different perspective: I don't believe that separation is the answer. In fact, I think it will make things worse. Guys compartmentalize their lives so it's easy for them to walk away from their families and go with other women and continue the cycle where pretty soon they don't even care about their kids. I think the fact that he's still there is a good thing and gives you both the opportunity to work at all the issues. i think it's very important to get some good counseling where both of you can be real and commit to moving forward as a family and stop talking about taking breaks / breaking up /divorcing. Otherwise, you might just always be looking for that way out. It might also help to have an older mentor couple that can walk you through married life challenges, to encourage you and point you in the right direction. I don't believe that love is a feeling but an action, a committment for life. And of course this is very hard because life is hard. The only answer or solution to this and other problems is God. Turn to him in your pain and trust him to take care of you and your family. Read the Bible. The information there is very relevant to today. Then make good choices. Unfortunately, you are not alone and I will keep you and your family in my prayers. The truth is that none of us know exactly what you are going through but God does and he sees everything that has happened and is happening. God Bless!

Hi.L. sorry to here this its really sad to me when these guys get with a young girl and then get them preagent and then they want to say they fill traped bull he is still young he wants to go play well girl if yall separate then he will end up sleeping with other woman and next thing you know he has some one esle preg.and you will have to face that if he decides he wants you back you got trouble on your hands being young and having a baby to take care of this is a very hard decision because im sure you want your little girl to grow up with her daddy around but you have to think about what is best for her you dont want her to grow emotionally in the mind thats very hard on a child i had to grow up with out my parents and its still very hard on me theresdays i would love to be able to have a mother that cared about me and when im down on my luck have a mother to call.why do you have to move out from your moms back yard?i would try to stay in till you see what happens have you try to talk to your mother about this problem.maybe you should try that they always say mother knows best.dont let him do this to you and your baby if this is what he wants then let him go he is only hurting his self because his ways are not acceptable he dont need to be worried about other woman he has all he needs a good wife and a baby what esle could he want in life.sorry this so long but this kind of stuff gets to me girl i wish you the best of luck make the right decision because this your life take care of it dont be a door mat for no man i dont care how much you love him.love dies you dont need to fill dead you are still very young enjoy life with your sweet little angel baby.hope every thing goes ok for you

When I had to make a very similar choice it really helped me to look at www.drirene.com. Get on the message board there. Read, read, read...knowledge is power. Gain your strength and get yourself healthy and then when you do leave it will be for good.
I am healthy now. I am in a stable and great relationship. Good luck to you and message me if you need to.
T.
www.workathomeunited.com/TBlake

L., Hello my name is R., I'm 32 and I have an almost three year old and a 12 week old. I have been married for almost 5 years to a great man. But in any relationship you have your good times and bad, thats normal. How could you stay in a relationship when he treats you so horrible? Girlfriend life is way to short to let any man {Boy} treat you the way he does! It's human for men to look at other girls, but they should never do it in front of the person that they love or care for. You are so young, you have your whole life ahead of you. What a want to tell you is that you have to love your self before anyone else can love you. I know you said that you still love him and he is the father of your baby girl. As she gets older do you really want her to see how he treats you. She will think thats acceptable and when it's her time to find a someone to love, she will settle like you have. I know love is hard to give up but there will be a light at the end of your tunnel. You may want to let him go and if it's meant to be he will come back! Be strong and take care.

Hi L., the problem with separation is that the one person who is suggesting it doesn't use it to re collect about the relationship they usually go make things worse by seeing other people. Separation is good if the parties involved use it to re-collect on the relationship. When I went thru this myself it would have been awesome if my then husband was able to live by himself gain financial responsibility and mature. Other than that it sounds like he is looking at everyone else having freedom and so he wants a break. Which is sad in that he has a child to think about. I would seek counceling first. I wish your boyfriend knew that he's not missing anything going on out there in the world today.

Its different for everyone. The only advice I can give you is I married my highschool sweetheart and we both had lots of maturing to do as we stayed together and we didnt even have kids until I was 29 and he is 2 yrs younger. I cant even imagine how tough it must be. Its something both of you need to decide whether or not yall will work through things or call it quits but one person cant hold a relationship together by themselves and its not fair. I hope this helps and since you have a baby you will always have to work together or keep in touch I would just make sure you make the decision together that way you can have a peaceful enviroment for the baby to grow up in

I spent 15 years with a man who didn't value my opinion or told me I didn't know what I was talking about. He told me he loved me then spent hours in chat rooms talking to other women and sometimes even going out to meet them to help them "move" or "fix the car." I did a lot of the "putting on a happy face" but really everybody that I really cared about knew somthing was wrong. Save yourself some pain, pack up what is left on your self-esteem and leave. I know thing are complicated. I know you love him. I know he is the daddy to your little girl. Admitting there is a problem is the only way to fix it. You may be surprised by the people who are willing to help if you let down the walls.

Be a strong mom for your baby. Let her see you as a capable and valuable person. You deserve to be treated well. Don't just put on a happy face, find happiness and be happy! That is the best gift any parent can give to her child. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.