I will try to explain in a nut shell. I married him in Feb. 2007. I am 49 now. I had my life going on, owned my own home, my youngest was 13 years old. Worked 40 plus hours and enjoyed my life. Except I was lonely. Six months after we got together 2 year old son came to live with us full time. I was keeping house, working full time, and commuting an hour one way. I started getting tired all the time. We had NO free time to celebrate our marriage. I did everything for him and his 18 year old son and his 2 year old. The oldest son was horrible to me and ended up moving to grandma and step grandpas. I was doing all the work in the bedroom, while he laid on his back! I started to get depressed and wanted out of the marriage. He begged and pleaded with me that he would change. So far no change. He does not appreciate what I have brought to this marriage. Now I am tired, depressed and sick. 2 years ago I worked so much to stay away from home life that I got really sick and they thought I had cancer. Turned out it was Sarcoidosis. Now I don't work outside the home. He goes hunting and fishing and storm chasing all the time and I can't do anything on my own because I have to stay with our son all the time. He says he is going hunting because it puts food on our table and fishing because it fills the freezer. And he flies to the east coast to make extra money to pay bills. I just feel stuck now and can't seem to find any enjoyment in anything. We have not had sex in 2.5 years, because I refuse to do all the work! We have talked about this many times and no change. I just gave up and don't really care anymore. I am a very sensual woman and very appealing and will not share my body with a man who does'nt have a clue! I feel like I am wasting time here and that when his son is old enough he won't care anymore. I found time to write this becuse he has gone fishing. I left out alot of information that does not shine a good light on him, no need to say he hardly showers either.....ps..am I foolling myself?
He is a foreman lineman. He works on the powerlines.
I hope you can get out of this marriage without losing all you have to him. You need a lawyer to help you sort out what will happen if you get divorced.
Do this first, and then decide.
This is no way to live.
Dawn
What do you mean he "flies to the east coast"? You live on the east coast. If you mean he's gone a lot under the pretense of making money for the family, then I suggest he's gone a lot because there is someone else, and probably has been for 2 years.
Get out. Regardless of who is right or wrong, get out, neither of you is happy. Neither of you seems to care anymore either, time to see a lawyer or a marriage counselor.
You need therapy to figure out why you thought this guy was such a good catch. You sound like the classic women who was successful in business, but never in relationships.
AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:
What does that have to do with anything regarding your post?
While he's gone (not that he would notice anyway), get yourself a storage locker and put what was your's before the marriage and half of anything else that you want. Contact the child's mother or get a licensed child care person to take care of HIS child. Pack your bags and get the H outta there. Go find the woman that you were before you met up with the USER/LOSER! He didn't want a wife, he wanted a second income, baby sitter, washer woman. He sounds like a PIG. Do NOT sell yourself short, GET OUT and GET OUT while he is gone.
Get your own bank account, get your name off all joint accounts (after you take your half), get a good lawyer, change your cell phone number and don't give him anymore chances to cry and beg...it's an act.
Get a good lawyer and have him or his attorney communicate through your lawyer.
Treat yourself to a make over and start pampering YOU! You've given this man and his children FAR too much of your time. Pretty obvious why wife number one split.
If he didn't sound so much like dirty pig, I'd think he was doing more the fishing just for fish.
Ugh, I'm so sorry. Sounds like you're just his live in babysitter & not a partner. Now is the perfect time to get your ducks in a row. He is not going to change, so you will have to.
God help you-he said he would change-he needs to get help to do it-if he knew on his own how to be the person you need him to be-it would be done. It sounds like he and the little boy need to find their own place and carve out a life with another pack mule to care for them. I'm sure you have a lot to offer someone-and have very fine attributes-but it seems as though he "cherry-picked" you to be a caretaker to him and his children. I'm sorry for you, but think you should cut your losses and move forward. Please tell me you did not give him deeded ownership interest in your home??? All the best!
Get yourself into therapy! You will do so much better when you have clarity and are able to fully express your feelings to another human being. Whether your marriage survives or not is another story. But at the very least you will know that you are going to be ok and you will still be that strong, sensual woman again!
Marda is right. Get the help you need for yourself, so that you can handle your marriage issues with energy and clarity. Good luck to you.
I don't understand what you mean when you say he flies to the East Coast when your profile says you LIVE on the East Coast. NYC is East Coast.
I feel really badly for the 7 year old little boy caught in the middle of this.
I have to agree that the reason you felt so tired was the illness... and the illness would have occurred no matter what. That can't be blamed at all on your husband or what else you've been through.
Here's the thing that's bothering me. You had to have had some idea of what your husband was like before you married him even if you didn't live together first. You had obviously been in a relationship before, if not married, with a child of your own. I can't imagine that you got out of one bad relationship only to keep blinders on to such serious flaws because of loneliness for the sake of a new bad marriage. Not when you were supposedly enjoying your life before meeting him.
It takes two to make a marriage, and it takes two to break a marriage. I don't think that your husband is the only one who needs to work on the marriage. I think that if you want your husband to change, you need to find yourself again. If you want to BE vibrant again, find that passion in yourself and don't expect him to be the one that kindles it.
We're responsible for our own happiness. It comes from within us and we shouldn't make our partners responsible for making us happy or satisfied or content. Should they contribute? Yes, it would be nice, but the BASE, the CORE of that happiness needs to come from within first. So start doing what you love most. Painting? Writing? Working part time in your favorite career? Volunteering? Go for it.
Redecorate your home in colors and scents and arrangements that please you. Put up vibrant, happy pictures. Think about the positive qualities about your husband... surely he has some. Did you know that when you smile, it releases serotonin? Smile even when you don't feel like it at first. Find things that will make you laugh. Share them with your husband. If you can lift your own mood and energy, it can change his behavior too.
Marriage counseling. It really does work.
Also, did you know that the more often you have sex, the more you want to have sex? Get to know your husband again. It doesn't sound like you KNOW each other. How can you feel close to him if you don't know anything about each other any more? Men need sex to feel intimate; women need to feel intimate to have sex. Interesting dilemma, right? But my point is that the effort can't all and only be his. A failed marriage can't be all on him. Not in this instance, if I understand your post correctly.
I know you said you left out a lot of info that would make him look bad, but please understand that it also puts you in a tough spot too. Because maybe while some of your behaviors are reflective and responsive to his in the past, the same can be said for him. Why should he make any efforts if he has no reason from you? His behavior is as directly tied to yours as yours is to his.
ew. he sounds awful. do not hand over your power, your joy, your sensuality and your life force to someone like that.
i'm sorry for the little one, but this is no way to live.
khairete
S.
I second the suggestions to go into therapy. You need to find your voice Mama! Meet with someone who can help you figure out how you came to be in a doormat/walk-all-over relationship. Therapy can help you clarify your boundaries and can help you set up healthier dynamics in relationships. Sounds like you and your husband are stuck in unhealthy patterns. Therapy can help you break the cycle by starting with you asserting yourself more! For example, why not set up a trip away for yourself or a night away and insist that you are going! That would be an sample of healthy assertiveness. How about go back to work? Start asserting yourself more actively even if he is not
thrilled with it. Also, try and not withhold sex as a means to show
assertiveness. That just produces more distance between the two of you.
Change your way of being in the relationship and see what happens. Somewhere along the way you started to lose yourself. Find yourself again and start taking charge of your destiny independent of where he is at in his journey. Blessings to you!
I urge you to get started in therapy and to take an antidepressant so that you'll have the energy to figure out how to handle this.
I agree with Marda, you are depressed.
You would have developed Sarcoidosis, even if you had not been married caring for this child.
The main problem is, you are mourning the loss of your healthy body.
I went through the same thing at one point. I was so devastated not to be the healthy go getter, i had been and the realization, i would never be that person physically really brought me down. I lost my energy, part of my independence.. I was just not the original L..
It took me a few years to realize how depressed this had made me. Once I went for help and realized this was a normal reaction. I was reminded of what I could do and to be thankful of what I still had, I was able to move on..
But I also realized during this time of mourning, I had not been a great person. I had been moody, I had been confused, demanding and i carried a lot of guilt.
I was fortunate to have a husband that stepped up..
But it sounds like a lot of changes happened all at once in your life.
If you had been married longer and had a stronger marriage prior to all of this, I would guess, this would have ended differently.
So many changes at once has made you all strangers.
This will take work. The problem with depression is, we have no energy.. So dealing with your list of HUGE changes.. is too much for you and your husband to handle alone. He is probably so out of his element, he is on the run.. he has no idea where to begin. You are too tired, to fight this and to carry him on your back. You just want a way out.
But, if you want to make this work and to find your peace and happiness, you need to make a list of what you want and what you need and then you need to make a plan. Your therapist can help..
Then you and your husband need to have an honest conversation and do the same as a couple. This will also take a marriage counselor to guide the 2 of you. IF he will not go with you, go on your own..
I am sending you peace and good thoughts.
Certainly does not sound like you are fooling yourself, you have just lost your courage. Put your head back into the carefree woman you used to be and while I am not one to condone breaking up a marriage this really doesn't sound like one. You are going to get sicker if you stay and as I ramble on, what does he do on the east coast that makes money? Or, you can stay, quit working so hard, enjoy your life, get babysitters and start enjoying life again. Actually it only sounds like the one that needs babysitting is a two year (not yours? if I saw this correctly? ) and there are preschools and places that little ones love and you can take dancing or something anything that puts you back into a happy mode. Good grief, life is the proverbial short and you needn't not end it by getting sicker because of an extremely selfish man. Courage sister, courage. We are here to talk to, breathe with and help you soar again!
If he is not there for you you need to get the courage to just leave. If you have to do it all by yourself you should not have to take care of him also.
Toni V you are like a life coach & motivational speaker all rolled into one!
Read Toni V's answer, take notes, take action. And I agree finding childcare for your stepson is long overdue. If you decide to stay dad should at least take his son on trips during school breaks.
You need to get back to work. This will at least give you time for yourself and your own income again. I would tell him you're going back to work and he needs to find child care that he can manage.
Otherwise you need to move out for at least a while. He is not looking at you the way he used to. He is using you.
