NEED Advice on Grandma Guilt Trip!

There is also a 17 year old and a 13 year olf that are flying with her.
Sounds like the father is going too? "He wants to pick her up and fly her to the east coast for this grandkids trip."
Pretty awesome of the grandma to want to do that!

How well does this grandmother even know your daughter, if you live thousands of miles apart? I can't imagine a 3 year old spending a week with 4 kids she doesn't see often, a grandma she doesn't see often, in a bed and house she doesn't recognize.

There's the issue of Grandma being able to handle 5 kids, 2 of whom are toddlers. Yes, there are 2 teens, but how experienced are they are child care, and is it appropriate to have them take on this responsibility for what is also their own vacation?

Will your ex be there, at least close by (since you say he won't be in the the house) and providing some of the care? Is your daughter used to being cared for by him, or does he just take her for the day when they visit? Is she used to calling for him in the middle of the night and having him respond? What will happen if he's not in this house?

It's not just a question of Grandma's stamina and vigilance with 5 children, 3 of whom require a lot of supervision. It's a question of a 2 and 3 year old being in a home they don't recognize. Perhaps the 2 year old will be with an older sibling, but that would also mean the older kids aren't on deck to take care of your daughter (even if she'd "accept" them as caregivers).

To me, the flight alone would be a lot for a dad who doesn't see his daughter that much, but that's just 5 hours of hell if she has a tough time. An entire week with people she may not know would be something else entirely.

Trust your gut.

If it were me, I would tell grandma that I'm her mom, and I decided that she's too little, and the only way she is coming is if I could come with her.

And don't indulge any attempt at guilt-tripping. Give a clear and honest response. If she says anything like "the moms of the other kids are fine with it" or "but I want to spend quality time with my grandkids without their parents" or anything else, just politely repeat your response, without changing it. What the moms of the other kids decide is irrelevant - your responsibility is only to your child, and you get to decide for her.**

(**assuming that this is consistent with any written custody agreements)

You mentioned that her father would be on the plane with her. I understand you wanting to be with her when she flies, but remember that she would be traveling with her father. He's going to take care of her.

It's difficult to tell from your question, but would the grandmother be the only adult there? Would your daughter's father be there as well?

I know it's hard for you, but it's very important for her to spend time with her father and his family. These are important relationships, and the more opportunities she has with them, the better. Maybe you could specifically ask him if he is going to be there. If he isn't already planning to be there, maybe he could reconsider. I'm sure he would like to spend time with her.

I would have said no.
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.
Honestly? that age spread is a tough one.
The older teens will be bored with the younger kids and the 2 and 3 yr old will end up being watched by the teens or grandma.
The 6 yr old is too young for the teens and too old for the toddlers.
I'm not seeing what the big thrill is to get them all together except to stroke Grandma's ego.

I would not feel comfortable, but I am just like that.

Do you have the say or will the dad have custody and he will get to decide?

Just curious, Do the other 4 have the same mother and are always with each other? Or do they just all share the same dad with different mothers and not much time together?

i am with you. my oldest was 6 when he got his first overnight trip to the grandma that watches my kids weekly.
i would state that she cannot go without you along. no other words, just that she may only go if you are there too. period.
unless theres is something in the custody agreement that you legally have to let her go with just dad.. then keep it simple and state your joining her or shes not going at all.

There is not enough information fir me to say.
How well do the kids know their grandmother and each other? How often do they see her? Has the grandmother done this before and if so how has it worked out?

How long at a time, with overnights, does your daughter spend with her Dad? Has your daughter stayed overnight with people other than you and her Dad? How mature/independent is your daughter?

How well do you know her grandmother? Are you comfortable with the way she treats children?

I'm confused about where her Dad lives. If he doesn't live close to his mother to see how she does with a housefull of children, how does he know that this visit is a good idea?

I have 5 granchildren who have the same mother. The 16 yo lives with me. The 14 yo, who has Aspergers, has stayed over night with me since he was 6 or so. Only one at a time stayed.overnight. the 5 yo who recently turned 6 and 3 yo to be 4 in a few weeks have just recently stayed over just one night at a time. I often watch them at their house. Based on that experience, i will only have one at a time at my house. When they have visited with parents during day they still need lots of attention.

The 3 yo has lots of energy and gets into everything. Both are explorers. While either one is here, i have to supervise most of the time. They both want my undivided attention. The 16 yo pays very little attention to them. She has her own interests. The 14 yo helps at their home but mostly only when I ask. I suggest it's a rare teen who will play with little kids.
Anyway, isn't it grandma's attentin that makes the visit fun?

I'm a healthy, active 70 yo. Still, I have difficulty keeping up with them. What your daughter's grandmother is suggesting is so far above my abilities, I wouldn't consider doing it. I question how she will be able to entertain all of them at the same time. Even when teens say they don't need attention, maybe especially then, they do. Unless they live in the same town, they'll need entertaining. The little ones in an unknown house with unfamiliar toys and atention, without an established routine, need nearly constant attention.

If all the kids knew each other, having spent lots of time together, and had stayed with grandma together, and grandma young in body and mind, this might work with those kids. However, your daughter knows none of them,.has not stayed with grandma before or been away from you many nights in a row, will have a very difficult time.

Neither one of my younger grandchildren want to stay 2 nights in a row. They have asked to go home at bedtime. They decide to stay once I distract them.

This is a long way for me to say, I would say a firm no. If there is an official court order stating he is to have her for that length of time without any restrictions, i would, in a friendly way, discuss her possible/likely reactions and ask how he would handle them.

My husband's parents once offered to watch our kids for us to go away, for 3 days. It was too much for them. We haven't done it again since.

It would really depend on the grandmother - how capable she is, if they 17 and 13 help out, what's involved, if dad is staying etc.

Does your daughter fly with her dad out to where he lives ever?

I'd have to consider all this. I would also consider the custody arrangement.

I would just let the guilt trip part go - that's her problem, not yours. I'd be more inclined to start small - say go for a weekend, then work up over time as she ages to the week with dad and grandma. That may not be possible.

ETA: I myself, would not be comfortable. For what it's worth.

She lives across the country, so your toddler probably does not know her very well. This would be a big no for me. With that many kids this would be a very difficult job for her if she had no other adults helping. The only way I would say yes is if I could go too. I would stay for 3 nights in a local hotel (with my toddler). During the days we could hang out at grandma's house and I could be there to watch the kids play and help grandma.

Is this something the grandmother has done before? Does she have a history of being involved in the lives of the rest of her grandchildren? How far from grandma does your daughter's father live? If grandma is active and involved (and I imagine that she is if she's inviting 5 grandchildren to stay at her house) and he's somewhat nearby and would be able to help out if needed or get there in an emergency (or just if your daughter got a little homesick and wanted some daddy time), I would let her go. She's not just flying without you, she would be in the care of her father. Presumably if you had a baby with this man who already had 3 other kids, you thought he was a decent person and capable of making good decisions and wouldn't leave the rest of his children in a high-risk situation. So if all that is the case, I'd let her go if she wants to. If she's the kind of kid who gets terribly homesick or isn't excited about seeing her siblings, etc. then I guess I would say she's not ready but at age 3, this might be a great adventure and an opportunity for her to spend time with her dad's side of the family and bond with the siblings who she is normally separated from.

If her father will be staying at grandma's with her for the week, that's one thing. If he's going to drop her off and leave, I'd not be okay with it. Grandma is a virtual stranger.

I have a great aunt who used to host a lot of kids in her house for a week in the summer, all cousins in some fashion, but you had to have been finished with kindergarten first, so it was basically age 6+. At that point, kids are mostly not likely to poke at sockets and are accustomed to spending time with people who they may not know well.

If dad is flying with her I'm assuming she'll be seeing him too?

Of course you are not invited, it's not your mother.

If he has visitation there isn't much you can do about it. If you refuse he should take you to court to get it all down on paper. The judge will listen to you and help figure out what is in the girl's best interest.

Once you have it on paper then neither one of you can say visitation should be this or that.

He is her father, this woman raised him, she is used to having all the other grand kids?

By the way, toddlers are 12-24 months. Your child is a preschool age child as is the 2 year old. Saying you have a toddler in court will make the judge think you baby her too much.

I think you should let her go. I understand your concerns and I know it's hard for her to be so far away from you for a long time (hard on you and her), but I also think a week with her siblings and grandma would be really good for her. Six of my cousins (really my 2nd cousins) got together at their grandparent's house for a week every summer and they have the most amazing memories. It was such a special week for them and the bond they formed is incredibly strong.

If your ex sees her once a month, then I think he can be trusted to fly across the country with her. He has a relationship with her and he makes the effort to fly across the country and see her.

Does your ex live near his mother? Could he be on call to help with your daughter or the other kids if it becomes too overwhelming for his mom? If not, can you fly out there and stay at a hotel (or with a friend if you have any in the area) so that you can be on call if needed. Honestly though, if there are siblings that are 17 and 13, I would think that they could step in to help with the little ones, too. Plus, kids that age don't need as much basic help and care, so the grandma will have more time to focus on the young ones.

As hard as it is for you, I think this could be a really wonderful week for your daughter.

My concerns would be grandma's ability to watch 5 children for an entire week (that takes a lot of energy and planning as you cook and do activities for 7 straight days) and how well her house is child proofed. I have 5 grands and have hosted them overnight many many times without an issue. I know each of them well so I know their likes, dislikes, and personalities but its still a lot of work.

i would let her father know exactly what your concerns are at this point and see how they can be addressed.