A Tough Question on Grandparents Watching over Their Grandchildren.

WOW paranoid parents.

This grandmother is one of their mothers. Was she such a bad Mom that she can't be trusted to leave the house with the kids? If she is sooooo untrustworthy why is watching them anyway.

I think grandma needs to have a sitdown chat with these parents and explain parental respect ---- I mean the parents to the grandma. This couple have no respect for their own MOM/ Mom-in-law.

I would wonder if the parents think that Grandma sometimes doesn't show good judgment and if they have some kind of at least semi-legit reason to be concerned. Or maybe they really are control freaks. I don't know. There is a big difference between letting the kids just watch TV all day, and letting them watch a show or 2, or 1 movie, just so Grandma can catch a break. And does Grandma have the energy level to handle 2 kids at those ages, or not. Does walking in a stroller to the park involve walking along a very busy road with high traffic, or through a quiet neighborhood. That sort of thing. I don't know if you know the whole story - you are only getting her side of it, and maybe she thinks she is more capable than she actually is.

If the things that Grandma wants to do are reasonable, and it's the parents that are being unreasonable, then Grandma should let them know that. Ask them how they would feel if they had to be stuck at home trying to entertain a 1 year old and a 3 year old, without going anywhere and no TV either. Sounds like the parents might be using the "day care instead" as a threat, and scaring Grandma into thinking she will never see them again - really? If she's close enough to have them every Friday, she's close enough to see them on weekends. If the parents want free child care, they should be willing to compromise a little. If they aren't happy, then they can pay for day care, and Grandma can go back to being Grandma, and just being able to enjoy and have fun with her grandkids without feeling totally responsible for their care.

Daycare. The parents needs to pay daycare for their care, absolutely. The grandparents need to kindly say they will no longer be able to watch the children.
No TV? No going out? That's...crazy. The kids are suffering, too.

My husband doesn't like a grandparent to even walk around the block with a grandchild. What if he has a heart attack, he asks? (Note the grandparents are healthy). To that, well, I just sort of forehead slap. If anyone doesn't appreciate the care/help, then pay someone else. :) I cannot stand over-protective parents who want free or reduced childcare, impose crazy rules and can't see how it's harming the kids. They would be MUCH better off at daycare.

There is a difference in Grandma doesn't get to see them, or Grandma doesn't babysit for them anymore. Which is it? If it's just that they will find someone else to babysit, then I think they have a right to do that.

Look, not every older person can handle energetic, mobile children. If she can't move fast, if she is not strong, if they have seen reasons that make them worry about her being out with them, then she needs to accept that and do what they ask.

If they are treating her like dirt by saying "we will never let you see your grandkids again", then they are using her and are awful people.

I will tell you that my mother was able to take care of my kids for me if I needed help (like if they were running a fever) outside of normal fulltime daycare. However, she did not choose to take them out. She stayed around the house. She always had plenty of things to do with them other than television. In fact, she didn't want them to watch TV either. The only time she actively used the TV was when my older son had chickenpox and he was so terribly miserable that watching Thomas the Tank Engine was all that he could bear, so she would hold him in her arms and let him watch it. I was so fine with that.

Anyway, I just have to say that having had two very rambunctious boys, I understand being worried about my kids over-running my mother. She realized how much work they were. She decided to be careful rather than do what she might "like" to do.

My MIL was once asked by her daughter to take her kids to a theme park. My MIL asked me and my husband to go with her and my FIL to help. She knew she wasn't up to the task. It was good that we went because we had boundless energy then.

So, bottom line is that if they aren't saying "you'll never see my kids again" to her, then they are being reasonable. When the kids are older, then it will probably be okay to take them out.

Dawn

I am a grandmother who watches her grandchildren often. When my grandchildren were that age my daughter did put some restrictions on what I should or should not do. With time and experience she has stopped giving me rules to abide by for the most part. She did pay for child care for about a year because we couldn't agree on how I was to be with the babies. Now, we do talk and make plans together for what I will do with the children. It takes time to build up trust with inexperienced parents. When the care taking isn't working, paid child care is the best way to preserve the relationship between grandparents and parents.

I suggest that your friend should try to understand why the parents have made this rule. Think back to when she was a new parent and how anxious she felt. All 3 of them need to talk this out and try to come up with a plan that works for all of them. Perhaps a parent could go with her and see how she handles them. If the walk goes well they might change their minds.

Without knowing your friend's mental and physical health and the energy level of the children I cannot say that this rule is unreasonable. I do know that I would be hesitant to take 2 children this age for a walk unless they were both confined to a stroller. Little ones are so quick and can dash out into the street unexpectedly. I was in my early 60's when 2 of my grandchildren were this age and I took a neighbor girl with me when I took them both to places. We didn't go on walks. Each by themselves was a handful. I chose not to deal with 2 high energy babies on the street or in the store.

Do the parent's really mean that if she continues to walk them she can't see them at all. Or do they mean that she will have to see them when they are with them? I would agree with the parents in that if grandma doesn't agree to not walk them then they can't trust her to be alone with them.

As a grandparent, I suggest that grandparents have to honor the parent's rules. We've had our chance to raise our children. It's too bad that we can't give new parents the confidence that we've learned over the years. We have to let them make their own mistakes. The parents are the ones responsible for their children and their rules stand.

You may love your friend dearly, and she may be entirely capable. BUT a lot of things have changed over the years. Many grandparents don't "get" some things about safety that are required today. And she may NOT be fast enough or strong enough to "ride herd" on two mobile kiddos. Heck, some parents have a hard time dealing with that. I would assume they all spend time together and see how she is with the kids when they go out. Daycare may be the solution.

The first responsibility of any sitter is the safety of the kids.
If Grandma is frail or can't run after or otherwise control the kids then staying away from situations where control is difficult is the safest approach.
Heck - when my son was a toddler he had zero zip zilch impulse control.
Something would catch his eye and off he'd run at top speed (and at about 2 1/2 he was too fast for ME to catch let alone a grandparent).
For awhile - a leash was absolutely necessary to preserve his life and my sanity.
Multiply that by 2 or more kids and I totally get what the parents are worried about.
They do out grow it eventually (the age varies depending on the child) and they learn to stay with you - and then trips, strolling, going places can resume.
Match the rules and precautions to the age/stage.
There's nothing mean, cruel, draconian or unusual about this.

Oh, has somebody turned up the thermostat? No? Well, then, I must be getting hot under the collar.

I'm assuming your friend is of sound mind and body and able to take care of these babies. She may not have quite as much energy as she used to have, perhaps, but she does have all her brains and can use those instead.

And I'm assuming what your friend is telling you is, more or less, what is *actually* happening, and not just an emotional take on what's happening.

Well... of course, problems COULD happen. Things happen at day care centers, too, no matter how much money a parent pays out every month.

But if my children expected me to take care of my grandchildren but did not *trust* me to take care of my grandchildren, I would head straight for the door.

I am delighted when I can take care of mine. I make sure to know how their parents do things, what the house rules are, what to watch out for, and what might not work ("Percy's way of testing us this week is by running away when we're on walks, Mom, so be warned!") because I'm doing this as a team member. I enjoy saying how, when you're a grandma, you can "spoil 'em rotten and give 'em back," but in real life I like to treat the young ones in *special* ways while being part of the family team.

There are certainly creative ways of keeping children busy and happy without television. But many of those involve going outside! That's what outside is there for!

If my children threatened me with "You do exactly what we say or you won't see your grandchildren again," I might weep inside, but I would not let my children behave to me in such a manner. If it meant I had to send my grandchildren letters instead of ever seeing them, I would do it, but I would not allow myself to be treated like dirt by my children any more than I would by an employer. Let them put the children in day care and discover what they have to deal with there. Let them rearrange their own lives - despite the economy - and take care of their own children at home themselves.

I notice that, according to your post, there is NO in-between area - it's "my way or the highway"! There's something definitely wrong with that kind of child-parent dynamic, and it will continue if your friend does not stand up for herself.

See, my children spend many Friday nights with their nana, my mom.

I love it, because my mom DOES stuff with my kids. They love my mama more than the world itself and she them. Also, I trust my mom more than just about anyone else in the world. If I didn't, I wouldn't encourage so much alone time with her. She takes 'em to the bakery, on walks, to visit her friends, or for a different fun nana activity.

Once or twice a year she even takes them to the closest city to go to a museum. I love this. My kids get to have a powerful and amazing woman in their lives, and I get a break! Win win!

My mom and I DO have agreements, but those are things we come to together, as a team. She'll let me know if she's seeing any behaviors in the kids (positive or negative) that are noteworthy and we'll come up with solutions together (how to reinforce things or try to deter things). She backs me up. I back her up. I'll let her know if there is something I'm really focused on, especially in sibling dynamics. Like I'll say, "Okay mom, this week the Cecia has been particularly mean to Opal. Can you keep an eye out for that." Or I'll say, "Holey cow, Opal is having a drama queen week, try not to play into that, okay?"

But mostly, my mom guides the kids in a way that's authentic to her. It's not always my way, but that's good for the kids. They need lots of guides in this life, especially when they are adults will need to find their own way of being in this world.

If I didn't trust my mom to take the kids out into the world, I wouldn't want my kids to be with her at all.

Oh, and on TV and that sort of thing...well, my mom is WAY better about not watching the kids watch TV then I am. Heck, I think I watched like, 10 hours of TV a year growing up (not exaggerating). But when we're visiting other grandparents, a lot of my rules go out the window. When my husband's father is around, they eat more sweets and watch sponge bob square pants (I hate that show and listening to it makes my ears bleed). Other rules come into effect, on the other hand. Like, at my dad's, the kids can't touch the walls or run inside. But when they hang with my dad, he takes them outside and teaches them about how houses are built, and how to preform arithmetic with rocks in the garden.

So, I guess I try to be flexible with my parents. After all, it's like a holiday for the kids, when they see them. Yah know?

If my mom wanted to eat sweets and watch square bob, and expected her house to stay pristine at all times...well...that would be a bigger deal, because my kids see her way, way, way more than the other grandparents. Thankfully, my mom is my hero, so it's rare that I disagree with her tactics.

Yes, I think that if the parents say that the children cannot be taken out, you mustn't do it. I know the grandparents want to do something fun with them, but the parents don't feel comfortable with it. It's one day a week, it's not like the grandparents are stuck home every day with the kids and can't ever get out. The grandparents must abide by the parents requests and if they cannot, the parents are right to put the kids in daycare, but the parents and grandparents should still be visiting with each other like family would, so grandma might not see the kids all day every Friday anymore but she should certainly be seeing them. My MIL lived 40 minutes away, she was not our daycare and saw our child about once every two weeks.

I'm guessing maybe the parents think that the grandparents are older and not accustomed to chasing around after two toddlers, that it would be easy for the kids to get away from them and into a dangerous situation outside the home. The grandparents are not young and spry and keeping up after kids daily like when they were the parents, 20 or 30 years ago.

My sister has grandkids, a 3 year old and an infant. She is the kind of grandma who follows every request that the parents make, even when she doesn't agree with them. Her son and DIL know this, and because of this, she gets the kids much more than her DIL's mom does, because her mom is the kind of grandma that ignores the parents' requests and does whatever she wants.

First, the situation should not be 'grandma abides by the new rule or she doesn't see them'. (Sorry, but just reading your post has my hackles up.) Taking the kids away completely should not be an ultimatum in this instance.

Unless there is an issue with Grandma, confining her to the house is ludicrous. And if there is such an issue, leaving the children with her is highly questionable. I was a nanny for years and would never, ever have worked with a family if the job was conditional to staying indoors. Even our tried and true Dr. Spock suggested that children should be outdoors for at least an hour a day. I have seen the ill effects of keeping children indoors too much, too often.

And I have never had a family put those sorts of rules on me. Most parents wanted me to get their kids outdoors, to the park-- in all sorts of weather. If you trust someone enough to watch your kids, you need to trust them to take good care of them in public too. If the young, new parents are placing these restrictions on Grandma, they do need to look elsewhere, daycare maybe. This suggests that either they are out of balance in their protectiveness or they have some concern with Mom. Either way, for them to suggest that she not take them out upon pain of not seeing them completely is very severe.

Lastly, it's okay for the parents to not want television. Then, again, they should decide to pay for the kids to go to daycare or get a professional nanny who is used to keeping the kids busy all day without media. (I did this all the time, but I also know that grandparents need a break during the day.)
I don't think they can have it both ways: all the trimmings and their ideal without paying for it in some way. (and many daycares I know use television---some don't, but some do). I think the boundaries and lines get blurred when you are giving a usually-paying job to a family member, and a grandparent to boot. I think the parents of these young children are going to need to be more flexible, or find paid care.

I will admit that, once my MIL watched my daughter and took her around. She was ohhh, not quite three at the time I think. I didn't object, but I was nervous as hell about it.

I know that my problem is that because I am home all day with her, I think no one else will know how to take care of her like I do. But, I also realize that is MY problem, not theirs. I'll get over it. :)

I also know that my mom and MIL would rather die than let anything bad happen to my daughter...so the rest is just small stuff.

I am not sure that I would let either one of the grandpa's watch her alone though. My dad adores my daughter but doesn't get around very well, and I'm not sure he could handle some things.

My FIL is quick to temper and I think it would only take once for him to yell at her and she would be afraid of him. Honestly, I think the idea of watching her himself would be terrifying to him anyway! LOL

I would tell the parents to go ahead and put them in daycare. Then she can go and visit for shorter amounts of time in the evenings or whatever. I am a grandparent and what they are doing to her is making her into a position of feeling untrusted.

Wow. If I ever said that to my Mother, she'd toss me over my knee and paddle the living stuffings out of me, big as I am! I assume this isn't for pay, but it's "Grandma Day" to help them out.

I babysat my friends kids for years(and took my son along with). When her husband put two HUGE restrictions on me, I told him he'd be better off putting the kids in Kidstop or other programs(It cost more for that than what I was being paid). I may have been a newer parent in regards to the age of my child, but I helped raise my siblings, and learned from my Mother a few things.
Needless to say, he lifted the restrictions when seeing how much money he had to spend.
BTW, the restrictions were that they couldn't leave the house, not even in their fenced in back yard, and making sure they didn't mess up their play room(AKA not take anything out). I always thought a play room was meant to, you know, play in.

On the part about no TV, there are MILLIONS of things to do without TV.
The kids I watched were rather addicted to it, and I weaned them off of it in one month(I saw them four days a week in the summer, and two in school season). Drawing, finger painting, making foam headdresses with foam and gluesticks....old fashioned games and puzzles. For younger ones, I spy with my little eye, reading stories, music time/name that tune(I played many classics performed by various artists, and got one of them interested in Joshua Bell).

I'm a fairly in shape sprinter, and I was hard pressed when the youngest girl decided to dart out the front door to the mailbox, so I can see the no walks to the fast food place, but no outside period? I just can't see it unless she doesn't have a fenced in yard. Kids have to be kids.

Tell them to put them in daycare. Leaving this discussion before I start ranting like a loon.

Just my 2cp.

Daycare is the solution, though I know it hurts.

I felt the same way after my inlaws after several incidents where my daughter's safety was put at risk because of them including no seatbelt for her because it was too hard to reach, allowing her to pick up fragile glass in a store at 2(the manager later told me about it), and allowing her to walk by herself in the Walmart parking lot at age 2.

Your friend proballyi isn't telling you what happened.

Well, is grandma getting paid to watch the kids? If so, then the parents wishes should be followed. If grandma is just doing this as a favor, she needs to decide what she can put up with...going by these rules or negotiating new ones.

The parents have the right to determine who watches their children. If they are not happy with the care that grandma provides, they should feel free to seek alternate care.

As someone who babsits small children in my home, I would not take a child if a parent put these kinds of restrictions on me. I would go crazy sitting in a house with kids all day, and so would the kids! It is very sad that the parents are behaving like this. I think she needs to try to reason with the parents. They need to understand that it is better for the children to be out and about with grandma than sitting in the house all day or in some daycare.

The parent should have the final say but grandparents should be involved in care plan. It is unfair to assume that they have to be in the house all day because of mom's anxiety. The mom either trusts the gma or not. Which is it? If she trusts her and doesn't want her driving, whats the problem with walking in the stroller? I would encourage the mom to think about the best interest of her kids. Does she really want them inside all day??? When will it be ok for them to go do things/ Why does she feel this way? I would say they need a big sit down talk so they can work out a comprimise.

I think that they should put the children in day care bc mom and dad are being way to obsessive. Kids get hurt, they fall, they tumble they skin their knees and through it all they heal and move on. Taking the children to the park or grocery store via stroller is not a big deal while adding insult to injury forcing grandma to entertain them all day without any t.v. is insane. My daughter who is in the 8th grade is bright, smart, rocks the A honor roll, while taking high school classes and she grow up watching t.v. when I had other things to do so I doubt watching the tube is going to rot their brain and cause them to be dumb. Grandma's children should not be holding grandchildren for random depending on what grandma can or can not do for the family either...how cruel is that?

Maybe the parents are being too cautious, and maybe not. I can see where this would make it unpleasant and difficult for your friend, and how it would be insulting.

However, do the parents have any good reason to think it might not be safe? Is your friend physically able to run after them if they run away? If not, then I can see the parents' point. Can your friend hear properly? My mother watches my nephew, but sometimes I think she's losing some of her marbles and physical capability, so I wonder if she's truly capable...

Unfortunately, she has to decide if they have a good point, and then she needs to decide if she still wants to watch the kids. She can always tell them that she can't do it. That's a long time to be stuck inside with little kids, in my opinion. But grandmas have to be pretty spry and sprightly to watch 1 and 3 year old kids outdoors.

I think that sometimes parents are just too bossy. Good grief, unless those grandparents are alzheimers patients they raised at least one of the kids parents just fine.

If a person who is responsible enough to watch kids wants to go do something they have every right to do so. If the parents don't want their kids to go out anywhere they should stay at home with them.

When I had days in my child care center when this school or that school was out for one thing or the other I packed up the school kids that were there and took them with me to the store, to pick up other school kids, to the park, etc....the parent have to sign a release when they enroll the kids stating we have the right to transfer them in our vehicle. So if I want to take them somewhere I am not calling the parents and asking their permission, they have already given it. And if they decide they don't like it there are other centers in town, but they also take the school kids places during the days when they are out of school the odd day.

This sounds like a situation that needs more communication. The parents need to communicate what their concerns are, and the grandma needs to communicate how she feels and perhaps come up with some workable ideas that both sides can agree upon.

Also, it sounds like we don't have all the information. If this is a friend of yours, perhaps she hasn't told you the full story. Did something happen on those outings that made the parents uncomfortable?

Maybe she just needs to reassure them that she will respect their boundaries and wishes regarding their child and how they are raising their child. For example, if they are making sacrifices elsewhere, so they can feed their child healthy foods, hearing that their child is eating at fast food restaurants may not be acceptable to them. Both parties need to sit down and talk through their visions of what it means to provide the best care for this child. It may be hard to bring the specifics up with Grandma, if she takes offense to every wish, boundary or guideline they set. (eg that's not how I raised YOU, and you turned out fine)

Ultimately, it is the parents' turn to raise this child. Grandma has no rights or say. She IS providing day care one day a week, therefore, she is under the same constraints as a daycare provider. Being "Grandma" doesn't give her a broader scope or "say" in how this child will be raised. If the parents are vegetarians, and she she's feeding the child processed meat...that would be unacceptable...regardless of how flaky she finds vegetarianism, for example.

To resolve this and continue the time she spends with the grandchild, she needs to have a conversation with the parents. It cannot be about her hurt feelings, but instead about building their trust that she will respect their boundaries (whatever they may be). Then, sit down and write out a list of guidelines together, so she has a clear idea of their priorities when it comes to raising this child. They need reassurance that she is respecting their guidelines...when this trust is there, there is no end to the adventures she and her grandchild can share. However, if she thinks she has carte blanche with that child while he is with her...she is wrong. The responsibility of the child remains with the parents, regardless of who is watching them. The sooner she gets on board with that concept, the sooner she'll have more access and opportunities with the child.

There is a lot of things left unanswered in your post. Question 1 is should a parent have a say in where she takes them or what she does with them.
Of course! They are the parent's children. God put them in charge.

I would almost bet there is more to this story than even you are understanding. If you are not around the older person like her children are then you might not totally understand her limitations. Some people can put on a good front but not keep it up for family. Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances. But maybe not, maybe the parents are being unreasonable. In the end they are still the parents.

A 1 yr old and 3 yr old are pretty taxing. Are we talking a 55 yr old grandma or a 70 yr old grandma? It could be that she is right on the edge of not being able to take care of the kids but with limitations they feel ok about it.

I am thinking your friend will either earn their trust by following their rules til the kids get older or she will have to stop sitting with them. If things can't be worked out then they just can't. Parents are in charge.

The parents have every right to expect that the grandparent keep the children at home ie. not drive around with them. I get nervous when other people drive with my children, but I deal with that anxiety because I know they're capable and trustworthy drivers. If I felt that they weren't, then my children wouldn't get in a car with them, period. When my MIL babysat for my eldest daughter, my FIL was NOT allowed to drive with my daughter in the car under any circumstances. Not even an emergency. If there was an emergency requiring driving, such as a hospital trip, then they were required to call 911 for an ambulance. My FIL's driving record was just... let's just say he should have had his keys taken away years sooner than they were but my SIL's and MIL were too afraid how he would react.

Anyway.

I have to say that unless there was a serious issue involving the grandparent regarding safety, if they trust her to babysit then they should trust her to take WALKS with the children. She should be allowed to take them to the park or around the neighborhood. This is completely different than the issue of driving.

If they trust her to babysit, then TRUST HER. If they feel she can't chase after the children and mind them and keep track of them, then why is she babysitting for them at all? I really do feel like there's some information missing as to why they don't trust your friend to babysit and why they've placed restrictions on her to even take walks with the children.

When it comes to entertaining the children, it's up to your friend as to whether or not the children watch some TV. They're in her care in HER home where she has a TV. A child shouldn't have to be 100% engaged in being entertained by an adult 100% of the time. That's just a ridiculous expectation, and it will completely backfire on those parents. When those children are 5 years old and older, they won't have the skills required to entertain themselves. They need some toys and games that they can play on their own. They need to be allowed to explore safely, and not have an adult assume they're bored. And yes, when with Grandma, the parents will just have to suck it up that once a week they get to watch a little TV.

If the parents refuse to compromise and follow through with their "threat" it will eventually bite them in their own backside. And Grandma doesn't need their stresses in her home. She WILL get to see the children, but she'll have to make it clear that it's for VISITS.

EDIT: I thought I added this to my last paragraph but apparently not. The reason that the parents need to compromise on allowing Grandma to AT LEAST take the children for a walk isn't just because they're being too paranoid and restricting. They have to remember that Grandma is doing them a favor. Even if they're paying her, you can bet that they're not paying her fair market value. They're getting babysitting at a steal whether it's once a week or more. They're not doing HER the favor and they're trying to make it look like they are by threatening her with, "If you don't do everything we say, including not going for walks, then you won't get to watch them and see them any more. We'll take that privilege away from you." Sorry, but Grandma doesn't owe them. It's not her privilege.

I have never put restrictions on my father. He doesn't have to ask me permission and so long as I know where they are at when I want to pick them up I am fine.

My parents, I say father now since my mom passed away a couple years ago, used to lose my kids every now and then at the mall or somewhere else. But ya know what, I lost my kids from time to time as well. What can I say, my kids are the type that wander off but they always turn up.

I say this because so many times I see parents that hold all others to a higher level of care than they have themselves. Seems illogical to me. I am their mother, shouldn't I be the most paranoid human on earth when it comes to them? Not sure if that made sense.

Anyway the problem is if they are going to follow through with putting them in a daycare then their only choice is follow their rules or not have the kids. Shame really but there is sometimes just no changing people.

This is a situation that I have been in as the parent. My son was a runner when he was a toddler and, well, my parents are not up to chasing him. We actually did have a situation where they lost him in a public place.
We handled it by only asking then to babysit at night, close to dinner and or bedtime so that there was no reason to go out. Now that he's older we don't have to worry about it anymore. Bottom line is that this is a delicate situation that needs to be handled with more tact.

That is a ridiculous expectation. My mom watches my daughter sometimes when she's visiting, and I would never tell her that she had to sit home with my daughter all day without going anywhere. Here's the thing....your friend obviously raised her children and they survived just fine. She's capable of taking care of her grandchildren just fine. If I were your friend, I'd be tempted to tell her kids that SHE has decided that she isn't comfortable taking care of the kids when their parents don't trust her with them.

"should the parents have a say how and where they can take the kids while watching them ?"

Yes. The reasons do not matter, the answer never changes so long as the parents have legal custody.

Grandma has full control of whether or not she chooses to agree to the rules or not. She is not required to continue to babysit.

That is crazy to me. If I were to tell my mom or my mil that she can babysit but can't take my kids anywhere they would tell me off big time. She should have a serious talk with them.

I think, they should be paying her a little something.
They are the parents, so she should be respecting that and doing what they wish.
Or, they can find a daycare or preschool for their kids.
They are getting "free" childcare.

BUT the parents are telling Grandma, that if they don't do what they say then they will put the children in Daycare and she won't see them.
That is really, obnoxious.
She is being put in a real, unpleasant spot.

But, if that's what the parents want, then just do it.
BUT if the parents are habitually just disrespectful and takes the Grandma for granted... then SHE can display her boundaries too. ie: don't threaten me with my being able to see my grandchildren or not.

I know MANY Grandparents who watch their grandchildren. And it is not easy. Taking care of kids, ALL day, is hard for the elderly. AND they have their own schedules of appointments too, which they need to tend to for their lives too. BUT since they babysit, they are home-bound and cannot have, their own life either, nor go to their appointments etc., because then the parents do not have anyone to watch their kids. And they take the Grandparent, for granted... and micromanage them. I know many Grandparents, that grumble about it. But they feel, STUCK in a corner... because the parents... just assume the Grandparent will always babysit their kids and if not, they put a guilt trip on them.

But also, some Grandparents... due to health or mobility problems or vision or hearing problems... they are, not in their prime for supervising active young kids or driving them around, and it can be... a safety issue. So that is why, the parents... may be confining the Grandparent in what they can or cannot do, with their kids. So that is the flip side to it, too.

Your friend, can just stop babysitting her grandchildren.
Or keep on doing it and with the parents telling her what to do.

BUT... the "threat" that the Grandparent cannot see their grandchildren unless they babysit them, is really, mean.

AND, since the parents are so specific on what they expect the Grandma to do with their children... THEN THE PARENTS SHOULD BE... buying the Grandma, entertainment/toys/puzzles/educational things/napping things/food, for the Grandma to have at her home... since she is watching them in her home, everyday. The PARENTS, should be providing this, to the Grandma.
They can't just demand that the Grandma do certain things with their kids, if the Grandma does not even have the resources for it.

The other point is:
She is the Grandma, not the parent.
BUT if the parents feel... she is too feeble or elderly to watch their kids safely... THEN THEY HAVE THE CHOICE, to find another "babysitter" for their kids. There will be a point in time, where Grandma may get too elderly, to watch 2 active young children. AND the parents, have to be wise enough, to know that. But not by holding it against her, and telling her she will not be able to see her Grandchildren.
THEY need to be wise parents... and recognize that Grandma may be too old or elderly or not active enough, to keep up with 2 young children.

If and when, my kids' Grandma watches my children, I DO expect her to do as I instructed. But I ALSO know that... my Mom is older now and gets tired and is a bit harder in hearing now... so I am careful as to what I expect of her. When with my kids.
*I*... am the parent and therefore, *I* have to ALSO gauge my Mom/their Grandma... per what she is capable of, or not.
That is a parent's, responsibility.
I do not demand something of my Mom... if I know she is not up to it nor capable of it, per her age/mobility/health concerns/hearing issues etc.
That is MY responsibility.

I can't stand this kind of mamby pamby parenting, drives me crazy. Unless there is a part of this story being left out why in the world can't the Grandma take the kids on a stroller walk. She's good enough to watch two babies for three years but she isn't safe to walk the kids to a pet store?

I think I know why the parents aren't communicating exactly why they say she must be house bound, there probably is no valid reason but their own irrational fears. Life is full of uncertainty, you don't cave to those feelings of "what if" you power on through because if you let all the horrible things that could happen to your children dictate their lives they would never go anywhere.

The fact that they are saying abide by the rule or don't see your Grandchildren is just gross. I am really sorry for your friend!

Is there a reason she feels this way? How old is the grandma, can she drive well? A walk outside should not be a big deal and is good for the child as long as grandma bundles them up, packs a snack etc. We mamas are a bit anxious but this is too much. I understand the tv thing, except maybe 30 min a day.

They are placing way too many demands on her as a caretaker, but they have also said they are wiling to do daycare. I say let them do the daycare, and grandma should just have them come visit her every week for a few hours and stay home and follow the parents' wishes during that time. That way she just gets to enjoy them like a grandma. It should be easier to follow their wishes in shorter spurts. Also, I have a feeling that these particular parents will realize that what they had at Grandma's is way better than what a daycare will offer. No one will be willing to cater to their demands (unless maybe they are willing to pay a pretty penny) and they will have to reconsider their stance. They may end up coming back to grandma. My mom ran a loving daycare out of our home so she could stay home with my sister and I, and she actually told one family she couldn't watch their kids anymore because they were so extremely fussy and particular and controlling. It wasn't worth the money. And it sounds like grandma isn't even getting paid, so she should let them go. But that doesn't mean she doesn't ever get to see her grandkid, she just won't have to babysit all day.

I think some things may play into the equation. How old is Grandma? Does she still drive? Are there any conditions that would cause them to worry about like demetia or something? Are the kids overly hyper (maybe ADHD) or out of control? Does Grandma have a history of loosing kids, not strapping them in carseat, or taking them where kids should not be?

I ask this because some of those would justify the parents request. My MIL is a wonderful lady and loves her kids and grandkids to pieces; however, she is not known for close supervision and always wanted me to let her watch my daughter at her home. My FIL smoked so bad that even when he wasn't home, you couldn't walk in the house for 30 seconds without reaking of cigarettes. The one time she came to my house to watch her and was supposed to be there until she picked up my son from school (all of which was her idea, I did not need her to do either thing and really didn't want her to but hubby gave in), she stayed at my house until about the time my hubby left and then went straight to her house with my 6 month old baby girl. She never would have told us but I called home to check on her and got no answer. Called her house and cell and couldn't get her either. When I did, she was offended that I was upset. This was after 2 hours and calling my hubby telling him to "find my daughter". From my view, that was her plan all along which was expressly against my wishes. I was mad at my husband too because had he listened to me, it wouldn't have happened.

At age 1 & 3 there are a lot of things that can be done to entertain without tv. They can play together, they can play with grandma, or even alone. Barring any issues like I listed above, I think grandma needs to talk to the parents and explain that she wants to do more than sit in the house with the kids. When weather is nice, she can certainly go outside but when weather gets colder, she doesn't want to sit in the house all day every Friday. Ask if she can maybe take them somewhere specific once a month as long as they know ahead of time where and when it will be.