Grandparents Want to Take 4-Year-old on Trip

I guess I'm in the minority here, but 7-10 days away at that age is too much for me. A long weekend... go for it. Over a week? Not yet. If she was older, I wouldn't hesitate, but not at 4.

My parents take children for weekends and it's great, but they miss us after two nights (5 &1).

I felt the same way with my older 2. I finally gave in and let my MIL take them, not just out of state but out of country, they were 4/5 at the time and went with her to Mexico. I was a wreck, the kids had a BLAST!

I missed them, more then they missed. Honestly this is the case 90% of the time. It is harder for us as parents then it is for the kids.

If they are loving, caring grandparents, who would never intentionally allow any harm to come to her. Then consider it.

My grandma used to take me everywhere. We even went to Graceland when I was young. Travelling with her have give me some of the best memories I have of her.

At what age would you feel okay with such a trip? You love these people and you know they are capable parents, I mean you did marry their son! If 4 is simply too young then let them know that, and that at age 7 (or 6, or 8, whatever you feel okay with) you will reconsider. Then suggest that they take her somewhere closer this year.

Send her. She's going to have a wonderful time with her grandparents. Yes, your protective instincts are normal....but she'll be just fine. Make sure they have her insurance card, a special power of attorney in case of emergency, and a general idea of her schedule.

Remember, her grandparents know more about parenting than you do. They've successfully raised your husband!

I think you answered it. " I really don't feel comfortable with the distance or the length of this proposed trip. It's not that I distrust the grandparents, but that I just don't want her going so far away for so long. "

Which is legit. So talk to them and say that you understand their hearts are in the right place, but you'd rather a compromise that is better for all involved. As for your DH, I would ask him to respect your opinion as his wife, her mother, and primary caregiver.

My DD is spending a weekend with Nana. It will be the first time she's away from us for more than one night. It's a baby step that I am comfortable with at this age. You don't need to go 0-60.

I would be leery of this idea. Grandma and grandpa are used to being responsible for her, full-time, for only one night at a time. I wonder if they have any notion of what they are taking on by being her 24/7 caretakers for a solid week? They mean well but I would wager that their tempers, and hers, will be very frayed after a few days; they are in a groove of their own, and having a young child around day in and day out is not something they are used to doing). I'd say yes to a short trip, but a week? Kids her age get homesick, and she is goiing to be sleeping in a totally new place. Yeah, she could do well, she could surprise you, THEY could surprise you, and others are posting, let her spread her wings etc. ....but really, any child this young is used to having at least one parent there. One night away is fine, two might be doable, but if she gets homesick several states away, you can't just go get her. I would go with them if you can. If you cannot, I'd say no.

The reason your husband doesn't understand your reluctance may be because he is such a "fun dad" that he does not see your child when she is upset, or difficult, or tired or cranky. He may expect that she is going to be, every minute of this trip, the happy, fun child he entertains on his own terms. He can't understand that she is going to be her whole, 24-hour, full self with her grandparents for a whole week. That's probably why he is in favor of the trip -- fun, fun, fun.

Like someone else posted, aside from the immediate issue of the trip, I would sit down and think about why your husband has bathed your little girl exactly once in four years. Does he ever discipline her or have to be the one to tell her no, or deal with her when she's sick or sad or angry? I'm guessing that's all you. I know the question wasn't about that situation but...it is well worth looking at, because "fun dads" who do none of the hard stuff never truly understand their own children, and those dads often react very badly the first time their children lash out at them, or are angry with them, or are upset in front of them. (I have seen it with a couple of families we know and the dads are never really part of their kids' lives, just providers and sources of fun, until the kids age out of having fun with dad, and the dad is left wondering, what did I do wrong....?) Just something to think about once the trip question is resolved.

I would say no. You don't have to be aggressive with that answer, just firm. "<<Mwah>> Sorry, Honey. She's not ready for this trip. We'll start with a couple of days at a time at their house." You are not her only parent, but you are her primary caregiver, and your husband really doesn't know what all goes into her care. For your husband, this is likely mostly about sparing his parents' feelings...and, of course, alone time with you. That can't be the deciding factor, over your child's feelings of comfort and safety. Sure, they love her and won't let harm come to her, but that's not what it's about. She has never been that far away from her parents for that period of time. That takes adjustment on both sides--parent and child.

In your situation, I would say, thank you but no. She has not been away from you a whole weekend so jumping to a trip that exceeds a week is a bit much.

However, I must admit that my 5 1/2 year old has only spent two nights away from me his entire life, so I may not be the relaxed mom you want advice from.

I would say no. She's four and I don't think you are being unreasonable given the distance and time frame. You know her better than anyone else, so you alone can make the determination of if she is emotionally ready or not. I hope your husband and inlaws can respect that.

Grandparents are wonderful, but they are not entitled to override a parents wishes or intuition just because of their position in the family. Go with your gut. A trip closer to home for a shorter period of time is a much better choice.

If I were in your shoes, I'd say "NO." Actually, I have! I think Leigh R. put it right and I think this is not a realistic "win" for everyone involved. Best of luck to you in your decision.

There are really three issues here - and I think you need to evaluate each separately.

The first is your inlaws capability to care for your daughter for a week. Assuming they're both young, healthy & properly cautious that's probably a yes. Assuming they will always hold her hand crossing the street, in a public place, etc. If they are less than capable (not healthy enough to keep up with an active 4 yr old, forgot everything they used to know about raising kids, etc) then this is a no.

The second is your child's ability to be away from you for a week. This is a tougher thing. Some kids, even if only cared for by their mom are ready, willing and able to go on an adventure with their grandparents. Others would be bereft without the usual person (mom) putting them to bed, cutting their hot dog just the right way, etc. Is there anough time for your daughter to spend a long weekend with your inlaws to kind of test it out? You may not be able to really figure this one out until that week comes. Most kids will get a little homesick (I did at age 10 when i went to summer camp for a week - but it passed quickly) - but grandmas and grandpa may be able to soothe that pretty quickly with a favroite book from home, a call to you (face time on your iphone, skype?). If they're doing something every day your daughter may be too tired to get homesick as she'll just fall asleep each night.

Finally, are you ready to spend a week without her? THAT's probably the sticking quesion and I undrestand your feelings about that completely! Until my daughter was 12 I never spent more than one night away from her (and those nights away were sleepovers at one of my sibling's homes as a cousin sleepover).

My inlaws were nevery healthy enough to have my kids on any kind of overnight outing, and even when they'd take them out to dinner at Friendlys or out to get a manicure or something like that I'd hear comments from my older child afterwards about the younger one dashing out in traffic (grandpa wasn't holding his hand). But that was a result of their health problems (grandpa had a lung disease that made him short of breath, etc.) But, my sisters who are both grandparents to preschoolers, are young (late 50s) and healthy and I could easily see them being able to provide excellent care for their grandkids.

Had my kids had young healthy grandparents I would have had to face the same thing you're facing - can I be away from my child for a week and feel confident that they will be OK without me? Assuming the answers to the first two questions are fine - then only you can answer this last question.

It could be a nice time for your and your husband too, to reconnect and remember why you love eachother

My final word, is this - if your inlaws will be able to properly handle the childcare needs of your child - I think it would be a great time for your child to really deepen her relationship with her grandparents. How wonderful for children to have this other circle of people who love them dearly and want to give them their unconditional adoration and blessings. Having this kind of connection to their extended family is so good for children - it gives them a security that goes beyond just mom and dad. It shows them that they're part of this continuum of the generations of their family. It give them a history and a future.

But YOU have to be comfortable with it. As the mom I think you get final say, and there should be no pressure from your husband or your inlaws.

PS - as for some posts here commenting on your husband have never bathed your child until last week - I can relate. My husband was the one to crawl around on the floor with them, rough house, take them go-carting, the playground, etc. He also took them to school, changed diapers, cleaned up after dinner, etc. BUT - he didn't feel comfortable with the bath thing - the wet wiggley child, drowning concerns? I'm not sure why. So don't get upset about that. I have all these photos of my husband and kids "doing life" together. Giving a bath is not the measurement of parenting skills.

Go with your gut. If your gut is saying NO, then the answer is NO. Plain and simple. You are mommy, you make the decisions. I would not let my 4 year old go away for a week without me. No way. Stay strong mama. Be firm. Don't let them gang up on you.

If you trust your ILs, and if you trust your daughter to be sufficiently outgoing and if she gets along well with them, then how about this?

Suggest you leave her with them for a long weekend first. 3-4 days maybe. Let it include outings, park, pool, or even to the grocery store maybe. 2 phone calls a day. See how both your daughter and the grandparents fare. It'll help your daughter get a feel of what it is to stay with grandparents for longer time, without M. and daddy. It'll help grandparents get a feel of what it takes to manage a 4 yr old continuously for a few days. Perhaps then all of you can make a better decision!

Absolutely not!

I base that on the fact that I would not let my child go, at least not at that age, without me or hubby and definately not for a whole week. In fact, my daughter is 6.5 right now and I still would not allow it. I personally haven't allowed overnights without us yet.

But the most important reason for YOU to say no is that you are not comfortable with it. My rule of thumb is never go against your mother's intuition.

Do you think that at age 8 or 10 you would be ok with it for that distance and length of time? if so, tell them that at age 8 or 10 (or 12 or whatever) you would be willing to reconsider. Tell them if they wanted to do a day or two closer to you it would be ok with it (if you would be).

Honestly...if you trust his parents...let her go. She'll have a blast with them, and it's fun for her to have a different set of "rules" than yours for a few days. It's not going to cause lasting damage.

And really, the emergency thing is SO unlikely. Unless she has some kind of medical condition that you think could realistically come up...there's no real concern there.

Let her go and have fun, and enjoy your respite! She's plenty old enough!

Some of my best childhood memories are of trips with my grandmother. When I was four and my sister was five, we took a car trip from CA to NY! I still remember climbing to the top of the Empire State Building - no elevator for us!

As hard as it might be for you, I think you should let her go. Let her create some memories of herself with her grandparents. Let this be about her and her relationship with and memories of her grandparents - not about you and your fears.

I agree. Let her go. It would be good for all.

Depending upon your daughter's personality (and how well she handles changes), I would let her go with the condition that there is a contingency plan in place in case she feels very homesick. They should be willing and prepared to cut their trip short if she needs to come home.

ETA: My own 4 year old? Not a chance. He's not even able to go to the YMCA's childcare area for 45 minutes without crying to the point of vomiting.

I honestly don't see a problem with them taking her. It will give her great memories. They are grandparents who love their grand-daughter. I think it would be great. Now, you are momma, and a momma bear, just want to protect her, I understand that. Your concerns are valid, most moms want to be right there if their baby needs them, not 100s of miles away.

My oldest sister got to go with my grandparents to Florida when I was little, I was always upset because they never took me. She had a great time, I think she was 5 or 6, I don't really recall, but she had a great time and lots of memories.

You could do a trial run and see how she and you do just for a few days with grandma and grandpa's house, maybe tried 2 days without seeing her, then try 3 in a few weeks later. That way you could know if you both could handle it.

Hugs going out to you!

I am a worry-wort and have had to deal with this same exact situation. I didn't want to let my child go. I just didn't think it was a good idea. In the end, I decided to let the in-laws take her and she had a wonderful time being spoiled and looked after by her grandparents, whom she adores and loves VERY much! My daughter is 5 now and always asks when is the next time she gets to go with her grandparents!

I am so happy I put my fears and worries aside and let them have that special time together. She was well cared for, after all these are the people who made and raised my wonderful husband, why wouldn't she be sage and cared for?!

Grandparents are very special and the relationship between them and their grandchildren should be as strong as possible and nurtured as often as possible, IMO.

~No you won't be close in case of emergency but these people have been parents a lot longer than you have, they can handle it! You are only a plane ride away and if need be you can always cut the trip short if something happens. So, if it were me, I would let your in-laws have their trip with their precious granddaughter!

For ME, 4 years old would be too young for a week-long out-of-state trip away from me and my husband. I would revisit the issue at 6 years old, however. You have every right to say that you just aren't comfortable with the idea yet and your husband and in-laws should respect that. But you have to give them a bone, and for me, that would be age 6.

I think a weekend would be fine - a week is a long time to be without Mommy for a 4 year old. I know that when I took my 5 year old away for 5 days to see my mom, when she saw my husband at the airport she started crying because she was so happy to see him and missed him so much (he cried, too).

I do think that if you let her go, all will be fine. But I would definitely ask your in-laws if they are 100% sure they know what they are in for. Dealing with a 4 YO 24/7 is not an easy task. Any way you can join them?

Is there time in between now and when they have to buy her a plane ticket for her to spend the weekend with them? Does she like going to spend the night with them now? My husband is fairly hands on - not the best at that age but not the worst either - and I'd have been very very reluctant to let HIM take my 4 year old for a week. It's just a long time. And will she remember much of it anyway from a positive stand point? Do you remember trips when you were 4? Snippets likely but enough that it was life changing and worth risking the homesick part? I guess my point is - what's the big upside of her going? It doens't sound like you really need a break or have a new baby and can't handle both or have to travel for work. A 4 year old doens't really enjoy cities anyway - though Chicago does have cool kid stuff. I'd try to at least get some 2-3 day trips in with the grandparents first as trials for both your daughter and them. I will say if this turns into a big battle, she likely will be fine. Maybe she'll be homesick but she'll live. She will be with family and kids understand family. It's not like you're abandoning her. She'll know that on some level and definitley understand when she's older and looks back. In terms of an emergency, don't worry about that part. Chicago has state of the art medical and unless the grandparents are old and not "with it", they can handle something. And odds are very low they'll need to.

My parents took my daughter from Baton Rouge to Six Flags when she was four. They were gone a week and she was fine. I think the separation anxiety in question is yours, not hers.
I would be more concerned about the fact that in four years, her father has only given her a bath once. My daughter's dad never lived with us and he bathed her more often than that.

I would send her on the trip.

Now if you do, and since you mentioned the possibility of not being able to get to her quickly in the case of emergency, be sure that they have med insurance info, ID and contact info, a recent photo, etc. so that should they have to use a hospital, speak with the police etc, they are well equipped.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I think my response would be go for it because changes teach children adaptability.

But considering it is such a big change I would say yes with the caveat, if this doesn't work you are turning around. If they can accept that condition there is no harm in the adventure.

I just want to add, I have four kids ranging from 25 to 12 and if they have taught me anything it is you have no idea what they are capable of until you let them try. :)

I say pack her up and let her make some wonderful memories! My daughter went to California for a month when she was four. My SIL and her
Husband took her. She is now31 and remembers the great time she had.
I am glad she has those me,oriel because her favorite u cle passed away suddenly 8 years later.

It will be such a positive experience for her. This is not about you but about her and her wonderful grandparents. They won't be around forever so let her be queen for a week. I

My 3 year old spent a week with my sister's family over the Christmas holidays, while we were getting settled into our new house. And it was the first time she had met them (other than the 3 days we all spent together before my husband and I had to leave). Added to that, she went with my sister's family to meet my sister's in laws and family so there were 3 additional families in the mix. She had a total blast, and there was no issue with "re-adjusment" on either end. Of course, it was her decision to go. We asked her if she wanted to go with her aunt or come with mommy and daddy. Have you talked to your daughter about how she feels about it?

There will be lots of experiences for her in Chicago and things to keep her busy. Yes, she may miss you in the evenings around bedtime (or she may be so tired that she might just crash). For your peace of mind, maybe they could take along a laptop/tablet and she could Skype with you?

If she does say she wants to go, maybe you can have her spend the weekend or some longer periods of time with the grandparents so she can get an idea of what it would be like.

Well it all depends; you know your DD better than anyone and have an idea on how comfortable she would be away from you for that long. Is there any way you can do a trial and have her go on a multi-night sleepover with them locally to see how she does before the go that far away?
If they’re trustworthy caring people, my only concern would be if my kid could handle it, being that I wouldn’t be able to just go get her if she can’t handle it, but if you think she can do it, I would let her go and start building her independence.
In any case, as the mother and main caretaker of your DD, the decision should be yours and they must respect it; if you choose not to let her go, just explain that you’re uncomfortable letting her go so long so far on her 1st time away, but if they wish to take her for a long weekend somewhere relatively close, you would be more likely to agree.
Good luck to you!!!

"I really don't feel comfortable with the distance or the length"

Then the answer is No. You don't need to explain or justify it.

The others have to respect it, especially your husband. His place is at your side (and yours is at his) even when you disagree. Taking his parents' side against his wife is not okay, and you will need to address the dynamics and expectations in your marriage before it snowballs.

Let her go. She's not an infant but a smart well adjusted little girl. She'll have fun.

I would like to respond from 3 different perspectives - chld with grandparent, Mom sending child with grandparents, and grandparent taking children. Some of my most precious memories of my grandmother are from summers we (my 4 sisters and I) spent in her care. The first time we visited for more than an overnight was a matter of family emergency. We had such a great time that it became a summer ritual. Every spring we made plans to leave home the day after school let out for the summer and didn't return until the weekend before we had to go back to school! Was there an adjustment period for my immediate family? Probably. However, my folks recognzed the importance of extended family and we all got through it. I always hoped that my children would get to have similar experiences with their grandparents. Sadly it was not to be. For a variety of reasons, my daughter never spent unsupervised time with my in-laws, and only spent one week with my mother. I consider myself extraordinarily blessed to live, not only in the same city as my grandchildren, but right across the street! They have spent many, many overnights with us at our home. We have traveled with the children far and wide! We have taken road trips, traveled by rail, flown, and used mass transit in large gities we have visited. We've taken them to the midwest to see extended family, the east coast to absorb American history, the west coast for fun and sun, Florida to experience the wonder of Disney and all of the attractions the central part of the state has to offer. We have even been able to cruise together! It is my fondest hope that my grandchildren will look back on our "special" time and feel the same joy and love that I felt in spending time with my grandmother. As you work through this, make sure that your decision is not focused on yourself and your needs/wants. Perhaps it's time to let your little one spread her wings and see the big wonderful world. Who better to share that expeience with than loving, caring grandparents?!

A smart well adjusted little girl would love a trip away with grandma and grandpa. I am not sure why you would have a hard readjustment. She will be excited and have all kinds of things to tell you when she gets home. You will have a lovely week to reconnect with hubby with just the two of you. My oldest son spend weekend's with grandma and grandpa from the time he was about 5 months old. because it gave me and hubby some time with each other. It is a far away trip. That part I understand but the "she has never been with anyone but me and my hubby has never given her a bath til this weekend" is kind of weird to me. My husband and I are both parents and both did everything with our kids. Your daughter will have a blast with them. Unless you feel like they could not take care of her I don't see why you wouldn't let her go. My inlaws took the 3 oldest grand kids to disney for a week when they are 6, 7 and 8. they all had a blast tired when they got home but had a blast.

I would probably be ok with it. My kids spend the night at their grandparents' house a couple of times a month and they take great care of them. The kids love going there. If they wanted to take them on a trip, I'd be thrilled to have the time to myself.

I can see your concerns. What if you asked them to shorten the trip a bit - 4-5 days instead of 7? It might make you feel better about things.

Also, talk to your daughter. Ask her how she would feel about it. Tell her it's something you've been thinking about, without letting her think that by saying she wants to do it, it's automatically going to happen. Ask her if she'd want to be away from you for that long. My son has occasionally spent 3-4 consecutive nights with his grandparents and never had a problem emotionally. Now, with things like skype and facetime, it's even easier to keep in touch.

Well, my thoughts would be "no". It's too long. It will end up being hard on them and hard on her.

My parents have watched several of my nieces/nephews at that age, once for my one brother's boy & girl (ages 4 & 1 year) for 3 days, and the other brother's kids for 1 week (age 4 and 2). Both times, they all agreed afterward that 1 week was too long. The kids just got really sad/unhappy from missing their moms and dads.

If you think your in-laws are capable of taking care of her, then I'd probably say yes. Your reasons for not having her go are about you, not about her or the grandparents. And that's totally normal - you'll miss her! But if she's a normal four year old (ie - not overly clingy or emotionally delayed), she'll enjoy the adventure.

It's really really really hard to let our kids out of our sight, and to accept that they're growing up... but this sounds like a decent first step. If you're still not certain about this, could you ask them to make the trip shorter? Three or four days instead of seven or eight make make it easier on all of you. Good luck whatever you decide.

I think it's a fabulous idea! I would not have hesitated sending my kids to see either my parents or my IL's at that age. Yes, I'd be nervous, concerned, etc, but the experiences she'll have will be worth it. I flew on a plane by myself at age 5 to visit my cousin and her husband, and although I remember it being a little scary, I also remember how exciting it was, and how much fun I had.

I have also sent my youngest - 5 at the time - with my oldest - 9 at the time - unaccompanied minors on a flight to visit my parents once, and my IL's once. They both live out of state (two different states). My oldest has flown 4 or 5 times total to visit them - always for at least 5 days - by himself, since he was 7. He's very immature, and shy and a tad clingy to mom, so I was concerned the first time about the flight itself - but not the actual visit with the grandparents.

If you do let her go with them, just make sure you provide a letter authorizing emergency care for her grandparents, etc. You can also give them her insurance card. I do this as a precaution, since my kids often go camping, climb boulders, or they go to my parents mountain cabin (where there are mountain lions, snakes, a zip line), and general mayhem can ensue - which my boys absolutely love! :) They ALWAYS have a great time, and usually hubby and I have date nights every night they're gone, to make up for the lack of such occasions the rest of the time.

did you ASK her if she wanted to go? If she does, then I would let her. My kids both went with my mom to CA for over a week when they were that age and they had a great time! We talked on the phone every day and they told me all the fun stuff they were doing. I was an only child and went on TONS of cross country trips with my grandparents. They are some of the best memories I have. I went from when I was a toddler to high school when I started working. So I say let them take her. You will enjoy the break and it will be great memories for her. Good luck.

My thoughts and opinions. I would not let them. My daughter is 8 and my MIL mentioned she would want to take her to disney with them. I said no to that and she is much older than your daughter. I said no because, I want my daughter to experience that for the first time with her dad and I and brother and sister. Yes she has to wait longer while we save up, but that is my decision.
Tell the gparents if they want to take her they have to take you too!

I'm kind of at war with myself over this one.
On the one hand, I spent copious amounts of time with my grandparents. Starting basically from birth I went all over with her - trips to see family in NE usually but also further adventures. I even went to Mexico for a month with my grandma! (I was 12 by then, though) I want to say that it will be fine, they will care for her & she'll have a great time.
On the other hand, I have my own boy now (he's 7) and he isn't allowed to stay at my MIL's house for more than two consecutive days. Partially because she just isn't healthy enough (he exhausts her), but partially because the readjustment period is horrendous! She treats him like a prince - with basically no discipline - for a couple of days and he's a BEAR when he gets home. I totally know what you mean when you say you're worried about that!
I guess I have to say that since your daughter hasn't spent extended amounts of time solely with them, and given her age, I wouldn't agree with a week long trip out of state either. Maybe at 6? You know her best - I know my boy would not have handled it well at 4 - possibly not even now! ;)
Good luck with your decision!