Need Advice on a Neighbor with a Rotten Attitude (That Is Affecting My Son)

Updated on February 20, 2009
A.H. asks from Madison Heights, MI
5 answers

Hey Moms... The warm weather is getting closer, or so I hope and in the warmer months is when this issue is at its worst.
I have a neighbor that was once friendly and then turned sour towards me directly... I had tried asking over and over what I did, what I could do to resolve it or make things better and I always was told "There is nothing wrong - things are fine", however I can read the body language and actions as they are much louder than any spoken or written words. We have also done the neighborly thing of telling them if they left a garage door open or taken in a package if they called us after leaving town for the weekend. I called this woman more recently to tell her she left her car roof open after noticing she left for a weekend, only to be called back and attacked~
This person is not completely down-right or openly nasty in words - especially in front of her husband but the behavior is there. To the point my son (now four) has questioned it. As many moms know, children are very pure, receptive and also are at the age of being accepted. This is tough, as I also requested to this neighbor that if she cannot be nice or talk with me, then to not talk with my son as I felt this would also be confusing to him (i.e. 'Why does she talk to me, but not you Mom?').

Well, now at this point I have decided that whatever her issues are, that it must really boil down to jealousy of some sort. I know she is not happy with her job (she confided that in me one day) and that she desires children desperately as she befriends everyone with a small child and begs to watch them.

My big concern is this coming summer... How do I keep my son 'protected' from this person? Much less keep the peace? I am so tired of being made to feel like I am the worse person to exist in this world by her actions. If hubby and I are on the front porch, you hear their front door slam shut; If we are in our bedroom or our son's room playing, you hear those windows close (or now- you catch the curtains/blinds close quickly); If we are outside playing in the backyard, she basically trips over herself to get back into the house. We can also tell by the way others that arrive to visit our neighbor, that she is spreading some type of untruthful stories about us by how they treat us (we greet everyone with a friendly smile that we see on the street, and when people come over to her house, they behave the way she does. It's weird!) She really makes herself unapproachable for any type of conversation - if I wanted to talk with her. When I was venting to our newer neighbor, she did tell me she was told something of the whole thing- but did not go into as she is trying to stay neutral. (She knew I needed to vent, so she totally understood!)

Hubby and I also tried telling her husband about this behavior to see what could be done, but of course I am sure she denies it and he never sees it when she is home in the summer as she works in the school district (and I can tell you I do not want her to work with my son without my permission, which this is wrong to feel this way, but I totally understand my mom's feelings when this occurred with her years ago when I was young!)

I am also from the old times of everybody watching out for everyone on the street - we love our other next door neighbors!
Sorry for the rambling, it's early and I'm at my wits-end! I just don't want my son to also feel un-confident as he asks why this person doesn't like him, and why she behaves this way to all of us.

Thanks in advance!

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So What Happened?

Thank you for all that responded ~ I realize this is an odd issue. I grew up and recall the times when our neighbors typically were your friend or at least would watch out for your home when you were away and I practice that now. It's nice to have that in this crazy world (to know you can have someone out there that is still nice and helpful in a world where many could care less.)

As I still have a few months to go as summer is usually at it's worse with this person, and I doubt she'll have a change of heart anytime soon~ I guess I will try to do what most suggested: Ignore her. Hubby and I have done many acts of kindness, but even that takes energy and when you only receive negative energy back it is useless to continue. I do and have realized I am not the one at fault or to blame - that the issue is in her and her alone. I only hope that for her 'bad-mouthing' that others see through her words for the ugliness that it is and make their own decision. I believe in Karma, I know what comes around does go around. And I know I am a good person, especially in my heart.

More Answers

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A.S.

answers from Detroit on

Hey A.,

I have never had the unpleasent neighbor but I have delt with some very nasty people on a regular basis. It sounds like you have done just about everything you can do as far as talking to her to try and mend the relationship. I would just ignore her, totally cut her off, don't smile, wave, whatever just act like she does not live there. If you really want to send a signal or keep her from seeing your son, put up a privacy fence on that side of the lot. If your son asks about her, he is old enough to understand some people just are not nice.

Sorry if I sound terrible, but honestly you need to live your life and cut the bad ju-ju out of it. You don't deserve a crazy neighbor.

Also I don't think that it is wrong that you feel she should not work with your son at school if that opportunity arose, heck no. Each year I would double check and make sure she would not be around him. If she changed like this so fast with you, lord only knows what she could tell your son. It all boils down to, some people are just strange!!

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R.M.

answers from Detroit on

Just ignore her. If your son asks what is wrong with her just tell him the truth. " She is crazy." No really just say I don't know what her problem is. SOmething must be wrong, but don't you woory about it.
Have you thought about getting a privacy fence.
If you keep letting letting on the she is upseting you, then she wins. Like I said just ignore her. I know it is hard.
If she is nice to your son and not you, so be it, She could say hi. YOu just smile and go about your business. Don't let some crazy neighbor take away from your family memories. Time goes by fast. enjoy it and leave this lady behind. Just stop talking to both of them.

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P.K.

answers from Detroit on

Sorry to hear about your neighbor troubles. It sounds like you've done all you can do. I think you should just let it go and stop trying. At this point, if you continue to try, it just kind of makes you look pathetic ("Why won't you be my friend? Pretty please?") --it's obviously not helping.

Don't be mean, but don't go out of your way to be friendly or say hi, either. Unless you actually pass within inches of her on the sidewalk, it should be pretty easy to act distracted and pretend you don't even see her, so that you don't have to say "hi" and have her ignore you.

As far as what to tell your son, be honest. Say you don't know why she's acting that way, and that sometimes people just aren't nice because they have their own problems that are bothering them. At four, I wouldn't think your son is outside unsupervised anyway, but make sure he knows that he is never to go in her house or yard without you, because she is basically a stranger and not someone that you know well enough to trust.

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S.L.

answers from Detroit on

Hey A.,

Sorry to hear about your neighbor's attitude. It seems as if she does not care to be friendly with you, so just leave her alone. Don't let one rotten apple spoil your home life. Have you heard the saying, "Misery loves company?" She doesn't seem to be happy, so don't let her run your joy away.
Enjoy, your family, your home, yard and porch. Don't worry about what she says about you and your family. What she and her friends think of you is none of your business!
Pray for her, bless her, release her and wish her well.
Don't talk about her, especially when your son is around.
Hopefully one day her attitude will change. Until then
be a distant friendly neighbor.

Much success to you this spring and summer.
Let us Mamas know how things turn out.

Peace and Love,
S.

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C.C.

answers from Detroit on

A.,

I feel terrible for you to be going through something like this with your neighbor. Is it possible she's in pain from not being able to have a child? You don't mention her age but there could be alot that is going on in her life. She could be trying to have a baby and have failed at this attempt or possibly a miscarriage. I doubt it's anything that you have done to her personally. You may could approach her with the attitude that she seems to be hurting from something and you would like to help.

Some people don't know how to communicate properly when they have an issue. It's possible that your neighbor has been told an untruth about you by another that they perceive as the truth. Unfortunately her beliefs are her reality. If you're unable to make this better be prepared to walk away and ignore her door slamming, going inside when you come outside, etc. this summer as it will only cause you heartache. This is her issue that she needs to deal with.

Good luck and hang in there.

C.

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