Horrible Playdate with New Neighbors

I totally agree with Momma L, respond with kindness and intelligence and if they don't get it, good riddance. There's probably not much you can do. I feel sorry for the kids, and dog :(

Be cordial but try and avoid them. You don't want to have a confrontation, esp when they live right next door.

I am totally for parenting other children and giving them kind and guided discipline when the idiot parent fails to do so. Calmly, but firmly say:

"Honey, that isn't nice to hit the dog. Show me how to pet her nicely. Animals can get hurt very easily, and they can also bite when they are scared."

"We do not hit our friends or there will be a time out until everyone can calm down."

"If you continue to scream and act unkind, then we will have to leave because that is not how to treat each other."

"It's snack time everyone, lets all go and wash our hands and faces."

"Because you hit, you need to apologize and separate for a while, until you can play nicely again."

So what if you offend her and she doesn't invite you back. Good riddance!

.

You are neighbors.
But that does NOT mean, you 'have to' have play-dates with them at their house or yours.
Your kids do not like them either, nor you.
And for good reason.
I do not believe, that a person 'has to' have play-dates with noxious toxic playmates... nor to have your own kids take on the role of teaching another family/kids a whole other set of paradigms and ethos structures, per how to behave. At their detriment and meanwhile they get hit/pushed/bullied and treated badly themselves and see a dog get kicked etc.
I simply, would not put my own kids... in that scenario. My kids wouldn't want to play with those kids, either. Why should they have to?

And, you cannot change another family or their kids.

And I am not going to insist, nor expect my kids to like them nor force them to like them or play with them.

Sorry. But that is what I would do.
I would not, have play-dates with them, there or at my house.
And I would go by my kids reactions and cues.
Not making them, have to play with them. Nor me.

Just say you are busy. Can't make it. Or that your kids are not getting along and well, so be it.

There was a neighbor up our street. Every time my kids were out in our driveway, the mom and her kid would race to our driveway to play.
It was always, not at a good time.
And, well, my kids did NOT like, 'having to' socialize each time that kid came up to our home. They felt like they couldn't even play outside anymore before being ambushed by the kid and Mom.
Anyway, well my kids did not like it. They told me. They did not have any privacy.
So we kept our distance etc.
The kid and Mom does not do that anymore.

So, , , you got a deal on the house, eh?

Unfortunately, you can't be honest and tell the neighbor you don't like their kids or that her parenting skills are lacking. I would just try to avoid playdates with them. We have a similar situation in our neighborhood. There are a bunch of kids that play together, but to be honest, I wouldn't want my daughter to get mixed up with that group. I simply have her too busy to even have the opportunity. So, if you're asked, simply say you can't cause the kids or you are too busy. Just get involved in other productive things (reading, homework, activities, etc,).

. AVOID! AVOID! AVOID! If you don't establish boundaries you will regret it. This parent and children do not have respect for others. You don't want to teach your children to tolerate this kind of trearment. The mom doesn't care. There is no relationsip. So there is no akwardness. Just smile and nod when you see them, There is an old saying that I believe goes... Fences make for good neighbors. So get a fence up if you don't have one and for your and your childrens sake avoid them.

I wouldn't do anything just yet. Just act pleasant and wave when you see them, but try to quickly lose eye contact so they don't want to come over and talk (much less invite you to play again!) Just be really aloof and maybe the mom will get the message. You're probably going to have to deal with them in the future, but for now, just back away. I feel bad for you - back yards touching - yikes.

Oh...we've been dealing with this for years.

First, we live in a duplex. The neighbors are terrible. The mom (in her 40s) has weekend parties, loud, and her son is a total mean brat (he's 5.) We share a backyard...well, half is ours and half is theirs, but you know what I mean. We have made a rule, expressed both to him and his mother, that he is NOT allowed in our yard. Our neighbors on the other side have made the same rule.

I feel bad for the boy, but I'm not going to have him putting mud in my daughter's hair, peeing in public in MY yard in front of MY girls, etc, etc.

I would be upfront with the mother so she knows what to expect. My neighbor lady hates us, because she says we have a "better than thou" attitude...well, our children behave, and hers doesn't. Nuff said.

If you're obligated to another play date, insist that it is at your house. Be firm with the children, but don't overstep your bounds (e.g."hitting isn't allowed in this house. it worries me that someone would get hurt") suggest a structured game for the children, being sure to explain/demonstrate the rules. These children probably need a lot of modeling & heavy supervision. Wean yourself away slowly, but intervene if you need to. This might be a good lesson (brief) for your children on how to stand up for themselves deal with bullying (the small silver lining?). Teach them to hold up their hands and say "Stop, don't do that for me." If this doesn't work out and becomes another stressor in your busy life, I would avoid as much as you can.

Don't address anything. They'll be your neighbors for a long time, so you don't need to make issues where they don't yet exist. Maybe the mom got the message when you said you were leaving and forced her daughter to return the shoes, and they'll never invite you over again. If they do, I might just make an excuse to avoid problems. Neighborhood disputes can be so bad. If they keep asking, just tell them that you didn't think your kids' personalities meshed well, so a one on one playdate probably won't work for you. That way you leave it open if there's a neighborhood thing going on where everyone is there together. I wouldn't want to subject my kids to these people alone, that's for sure.

No matter what your kids can not be there without you to supervise.
Are they behind you or beside you? Do you have a wooden fence?
I would NOT encourage the friendship, but I would stay friendly.

I'd just tell her that the kids didn't get along as well as you might have hoped so you aren't going to do more playdates for the near future. I would be civil and teach my children to say, "No, thanks" when invited to play.

Not every neighbor is a playmate. There was a girl who lived behind us and one yard over. SD used to play with her. When they got to middle school, the girl got wild. She came over and took SD and some other girls on a chat room that our filters didn't block. DH was right there and heard them reading out loud and talked to them about why it was inappropriate. Shortly thereafter SD decided that the girl was not really the kind of friend she wanted. Didn't matter that she lived next door. Enough "no, thanks" and the girl got the hint.

I understand your dilemma.

I would stay friendly but not encourage fostering this friendship. Say your hello's and goodbye's and maybe chit chat out on the front porch occasionally to keep things friendly...but do not do any more playdates. I don't think your kids are wanting to do a do over... so just say you are busy if the Mom brings up the subject. She will get the hint after awhile...I am sure you are not the first one to decline playdates if the kids are this unruly.

Good luck and best wishes!

I would not be rude but I would be busy the next time they asked for a playdate.

I would avoid them and make excuses if invited for another playdate, and be polite/cordial if you see them in person around the neighborhood and wave across the yard. Just because someone is a neighbor and has similar aged kids doesn't mean that you were all meant to be good friends. Clearly this is a very different type of mom, who thinks that it's normal for kids to roughhouse (my son had a short-term friend who was growing up in that type of home) and thinks that her daughter is "strong willed" when she is simply too weak or lazy to be bothered putting her foot down (my daughter had a friend with that type of mom when she was younger). I would try to avoid honesty, you don't need to create bad feelings when you've just moved in. If she keeps asking (which she may not), just tell her that your kids don't go back for playdates with kids who have hit them, it's just a rule.

I agree...get a fence!

Also, I have used the phrase "our kids just didn't seem to have a connection." That way it doesn't look like it's anyone's fault, no one was uncomfortable or didn't like anyone. It just looks like they didn't connect.

Good luck! And go over scenarios with your kids and have them practice saying "no thanks." The neighbor kids may try to be persuasive about playing so if your kids are prepared with what to say (and I would act it out with them so they can practice) it won't be an issue.

Wow - sorry to hear this. I just posted something last week about problems we're having with the neighbor kid, who is probably not even half as bad as these kids sound. There is just always a PROBLEM when he appears. It's really tough when it's a neighbor. Learn from my mistake and set up immediate boundaries and/or rules if you have any more contact. Probably avoiding contact as much as possible is your best bet. I've found I just have to be very blunt with the boy and/or caregivers at times.

One silver lining - it's going to turn cold and dark early up where you live. Your kids won't be out in the yard as much. It will be easier to avoid them for quite awhile and let some distance between you settle in. Hopefully by summer the novelty of your presence will have worn off a little.

Best of luck! I sure do understand.

We have a similar situation -- even to the point our backyards share a common gate. The kids next door are triplets (2 boys and a girl) and their parents went through an ugly divorce (before we met them). They are only 8. My kids have played with them about a half dozen times, and EVERY time it ends up with them getting mad at my older son. Usually it's because they have taunted and teased him and finally he fights back, and they are indignant about it. The girl punched my son right in front of me and totally denied it. When I try to get mutual apologies, my son always does but they say they don't have to. I'm concerned what these kids will grow up to be like. They go to a different school, and I have talked to other parents at their school, and apparently all 3 of them are really troublemakers at school as well.

After the last incident my husband and I made a mutual decision that our kids would not play with them. One day the father asked me about it, and I just told him that every time they play together it ends in a fight, and we don't want our kids to have to go through that kind of stress. I told him my kids don't have issues like this with kids at school, so it's just a case of these kids just don't get along, so it's better they not get together. The father didn't argue or even say anything.

The truth is I really didn't want to teach my children that they should avoid people who aren't nice. I'd rather teach them how to manage the situation. But my older son has a hearing problem and has some special needs considerations, and he really doesn't need the extra aggravation. The fact is, adults who don't get along don't get together (unless they are forced to through work or family situations). If we don't like somebody, we don't invite them over! So while they are young to learn the lesson, I do think it's important.

Hope you find a good resolution to this!
B.

Buy some trees, I think it a version of Evergreens, that grow tall, sort of skinny, and with thick foliage. This way you'll be able to enjoy your backyard and they can enjoy theirs. As sad as it is you can expect the next 15 years of stress or find a way to be friendly, at your house only, or start looking for a different home. I have some friends who built their dream home, they spent hours poring over plans, color schemes, wall placements, every little detail was a great decision. They loved their beautiful home with white carpet and a master bathroom I could live in.

Their neighbors were horrible. They couldn't go outside without some sort of altercation. They ended up just calling the movers one day and putting everything in storage until the house sold. It didn't take long, it was a really beautiful home. They moved into an interim home for a few years and then built another home sort of out in the country, it's by our city lake and has a bit of land, maybe an acre around it. They can take evening walks by the duck pond and ride horses on the dirt beach around the lake. They are so much happier.

The house they moved out of has changed hands 5 times in the last 10 years. That neighbor has run everyone off. I say if it gets really bad consider the other options.

Wow, my advice is simple for your neighbors. I had a negative situation with my neighbors, that was similar to yours. My advice is to just ignore them for now. If they ask why you are not interacting with them, just bring up the issues with the kids. If they apologize for their children, then that is good. If they say the line " they are just kids" (which my neighbors did) then walk away and continue to ignore them. They will get the point.

When we have situations like that we restrict play dates to our house so that MY rules can go into effect and I can have a modicum of control. It's not so uncomfortable or out of line to discipline and enforce good behavior and rules if it's in your yard or home.

Maybe you can teach the mom a thing or two. I would talk to her about her child hitting your child in the face. This way she knows you will not tolerate this kind of behavior. And if she says they are strong willed again, then I will just let her know that your kids are not this way and the kids need to play nicer together.

Then I will go home and not let my kids go over ever again. They will have to see each other through the fence. Your kids have no interest in them, so that is good for you! It's the parents not the kids. If they are not doing anything about it, there isn't really much anyone can do. So sad. :(

You are doing great with yours. :)

Please ....... give me a break. We live next to a family that it's ok if their child hits, throws tantrums, screams I hate you is controlling and pushes. Dosen't get its way and isn't the center of attention then "oh well". Can only play with one child at a time. The parents would let this child play for hours never checking on them. We became free babtsitters. No , I ended that and we went in or to another part of the yard so they had to watch their child. I was patient thinking this is just a very immature child and will grow out of it. NO ! It got worse the older this child got. Child now plays mind games and is a manipulative little monster and the parents just laugh at it. I't is there child , they had this kid and it is not my problem nor is it going to be. Never any dicipline, and the lies are unreal- I could no longer deal with it every time child was over I pulled my hair out it was stressful. I tried telling this child to go home if they were going to bully and regardless of what was said, child came back to do it again and waited till I turned my back. I finally had a melt down one day and told this kid they were no longer allowed to play with my 2 children. I have had enough meaness. This child has nothing but a mean streak in them and we don't need it ! This is our home and I won't tolerate other peoples toxicness !!!!!!!

WEll, I'm reaching, but maybe your skills will rub off on your neighbor and her kids ..... It's gonna be hard since she's your direct neighbor so I suggest you try as hard as you can to sort of make the relationship work somewhat, sounds like it's going to be VERY interesting.
It's so awful to have enemy neighbors. You will just have to have major boundaries, and maybe the little ones next door will learn to shape up if they want to play with your kids. It may not work out at all, if you see a glimmer of possibly being able to keep it cordial at least try. Surely that mom already realizes her kids are brats and probably doesnt expect you to come back for another go around..... I dont think you have to say anything more about todays incident. Just be an example in your own yard, and let her kids play with yours as long as they are good. Your yard, your rules.

Be honest. Her children and her behavior are unacceptable and you want no part of it. You are not raising your children to act like that so don't expose them to it in the first place. You wouldn't hang out with an adult who acts like that, so why "make" your children?

I am moving in 2 weeks and was told that the neighbors have a 6 year old girl. I am glad, but also wonder how that child behaves. I have no problem correcting other people's children. I was raised on "it takes a village to raise a child" and used to get paid for redirecting other children's behaviors. If the child(ren) want to be in our presence, they will act accordingly and follow the rules of my house...or they will not be coming over.

If the mother asks for advice, I would give it and try to help her get these kids under control....and herself. It's tough and some parents take the easy way out by doing nothing..I've been guilty of that myself a time or two. Giving in seemed better than having the same argument every time. MISTAKE!

Nanc