Need Advice for Helping Daughter Cope with New Marriage.

I myself have gone through what your daughter is going through, not once, but twice...My mother and father were divorced before my first birthday, and although I can't remember what life was like with them together, I often asked that question. My father remarried to a wonderful woman when I was about 3. At that point I began a downward spiral that didn't stop until I moved out of the house when I was 18. I constantly had a grudge toward my stepmother because she wasn't my mother. I didn't want her there, I wanted my mom there. Eventually my rebellion stopped, and I let myself love her, and now her and I are best friends,as well as mother and daughter. Then, 3 years ago, my father divorced her...although I am a grown woman now, my cycle started over. When he remarried this past September, out of the blue to a woman he'd known since childhood, a woman whom he claimed was just a friend all the way up until the day he told me he was going to marry her. I felt betrayed, as did my mother, and I think that had a lot to do with it as well. It took me having to really spend one on one time with his new wife for me to understand what he'd been trying to tell me all along.

As a grown woman with children of my own now, I understand that any feeling I have that I'm trying to share with you is not going to compare to what your child is feeling, all I can do is tell you that she's probably just feeling a little overwhelmed right now. 2 years ago you were still with her Daddy, and now, what feels like minutes to her, you're with someone else, getting ready to get married...how well does your daughter know the new man? has she had time to spend with him...just him...to get to hear what he thinks about whats going on...has anyone REALLY listened to her? and how she's feeling about this? Now I'm not telling you that you need her permission to marry, just her opinion...let her feel like she has something to say, that her feelings count, and that you're listening to her...It'll take time for her to get use to whats going on. But I have confidence that she'll come around, just don't push the issue...let her do it on her own.

I hope that I was at least a little helpful, and if not, then just know that I'm praying for you and your family, and hoping that everything turns out to be ok.

Don't "forget" her.
My parents divorced when I was 10..my sister was 11 and my youngest sister was 7. My father remarried in about a year and a half and my mom remarried after about three years. Our adjustment to our stepmom still has't happened and I'm 34 now. My step-father, who isn't really my step-father anymore, will forever be an incredible person I am honored to have in my life. The difference? Dad and Moe "forgot us", Mom and Bob included us. Dad had a new wife, a new house, a new job, and whole new life and we were very obviously not a part of it. My father, by the way, had full custody of us. Those rituals we had before Moe came along went right out the door because they were my moms traditions. Conversely, Bob made a point of learning the traditions and making them his own. He knew children needed routine and structure. He knew we needed to be loved. He knew we would grow up and leave one day and he could have his own life back. Moe never got that. She wanted to change everything...there could be no shred of evidence left of my fathers formal life....sadly, including us three girls. We had such a close relationship with our father before she came into it, it litterally broke all our hearts when we "lost" our dad. When we were old enough (13) we all chose to go live with the non-custodial parent. Bob never knew he'd live with four women one day! But he also never looked back. We were allowed pictures of our father in our rooms; phone calls; he even paid for trips and extended invitations to our dad.
The new man in your life can not feel threatened by you ex or you child will feel that jealousy and it will all end very badly. Try to see the ex not as your ex but as her daddy, the way you see your daddy, and make sure the new man see's the same. Just her daddy. The best dad...step-dad...man...leads by example. If the new man is truely a good man, your daughter will be fine. She will love him because he loves you. And remind him daily...he could be a Bob and suddenly inherit three teenage daughters!

I, too, am a child of divorce...and WOW....Tonja and Elizabeth have really given you some powerful words of wisdom. I strongly encourage you to take their posts to heart.

A year and a half is like a blink of an eye for a 9 year old, at least in terms of dealing with something as life-changing as a divorce. Even if she appears to have adjusted well, sometimes still waters run very deep. At her age, no explanation you can give her is going to fully mitigate those feelings of loss and sadness she has. Those emotions are going to continue to pop up to the surface any time there is stress or conflict.

My parents divorced when I was three years old. My dad had custody, but I was supposed to visit my mom every other weekend. When it was my mom's weekend, I didn't want to leave my dad. But by the end of the weekend, I didn't want to leave my mom and go back to my dad and stepmom. It was like getting ripped in half every other weekend for the entire course of my childhood. My relationship with my stepmother was (and still is) turbulent because she was young when she married my dad, and I think had some unrealistic expectations about being a "replacement mom".

I would strongly encourage you and your fiance to enter counseling immediately so you can learn together how to deal with this situation in the best possible way for your child...because you will be dealing with issues from this divorce for a very long time to come. I'm not trying to come down on you or scare you, but you do need to understand that your daughter is not going to just get used to it someday, or get over it. To make the easiest transition possible, you and your new husband will need to be very deliberate and thoughtful in how you handle his relationship with her, and your family's relationship with your ex. Please, please...find a church that has a good counseling program and start talking with someone right away---It will be SOOOO worth it in the long run.

Take care, and hugs & prayers to you and your daughter...

Hi R.,

I am actually a step parent to a 9yr old. Her biggest dream was to be the flower girl at her mom and dad's wedding. Sometimes she still talks about that. She actually resides with her dad and I but because her mom was being selfish at the time she would not allow her to be apart of our wedding.

I know that she loves me and she knows that I love her. I believe that it's every child's dream to see Mommy and Daddy together. I don't believe that they can comprend that sometimes it just doesn't work out that way.

I promise your daughter will come around and she will love your new husband as much as my "mushy" loves me! Make sure she has an active role in the wedding planning, even if means letting her help pick your veil, the silver ware or whatever.

Let her know that she is NOT losing you or that he is not stealing you. Which is how my step daughter told me she felt in the beginning.

Stay prayerful it will all work out!!

a question before i answer yours... how old was she when you and her father split?

Sounds like a situation I will be dealing with soon. I suggest not saying you don't love each other anymore, but something like your father and I have differences and are no longer going to be together, however we both love you the same no less. Mommy has moved on with her life and you are a part of it. Just curious as to you getting remarried did you already know this person? I am going through a divorce and have an 8 year old daughter and 3 year old son. We will have been separated a year in June. I feel it is difficult to start over in the dating process. Now that I am a single parent my time is very limited. Any suggestions as to how you moved on?

I had been married for 7 years when I got divorced. My son was 6 and my daughter was 3. She doesn't remember what it was like when we lived with her daddy but my son does. It was hardest on him. He only asked me once if his dad and I could get married again. I told him, no because we don't love each other and don't want to be married anymore. My son internalizes everything so he didn't talk to me about it anymore. I spoke to his school counselor and she had him come to her office to hang out and talk about anything he wanted to.

My 3 yr old daughter acted out by her behavior. Talk about the terrible 3's!!! My mother had to watch the kids while I worked at night and my daughter was so disobedient and at times, disrespectful to my mother. It was a very difficult time.

Your daughter is grieving, just as if someone died because her life has been uprooted and turn inside out. Her stability is gone and of course she wants it back. Just be patient with her. She will adjust but at her own pace. Reassure her that even though you and her father don't love each other, you both love her and always will. Talk to her school counselor and ask her for advice. As long as she has your love and support, she will pull through but don't be surprised if she starts acting out too, in school etc... so talk to the school counselor and see what resources are available. It helped me.

God bless,

Chris

I agree with alot of the other Ladies responses. I got remarried in 2005 to an INCREDIABLE man, my daughter was thrilled and has considered my husband as her father for many years now.However my StepDaughter was very unhappy about it! She was 12 when Allen and I married, she was a part of our wedding , Allen presented the kids with rings as well, both the girls danced with him during the father daughter dance. But none of it really helped Kortne to adjust to the Idea that her Father and I would never be together again! It's been a while now, and she is now starting to get over it, but it's been a long and difficult road to get there! Good luck!