Need Advice for an Unruly Three Year Old

S.,

The first priority here is to get you and your husband on the same page in terms of discipline and the parameters for acceptable behavior. If the approach is not consistent for what she does EVERY SINGLE TIME, then her actions won't change. He can't be strict sometimes and not others, and he can't go one way, and then have the rules change when Mom gets home. You two have to be a united front.

Three year olds are tough. They are little individuals, and this is when it's time to figure out just how far their independence can take them. She needs you to rein her in in order to learn what is okay and what isn't. Her behavior within the home will form her expectation for how to treat people outside of the home, so she needs your help to figure out how to interact with strangers, schoolmates, etc. Being lax about disrespect and defiance isn't doing her a service, because the rest of the world won't put up with it, and she'll get totally blindsided by that when she has to deal with other people.

Do you use time-outs with her? That works pretty well, pretty quick with my son, who is 2 1/2. I can tell him a couple of times "NO" and if he doesn't retain that no, a two minute time out gets the message across quick. I rarely have to TO for the same infraction twice. Give her alternatives for releasing negative emotions. She's got to let out anger or frustration somehow, so show her how to do it in a way you consider acceptable. Let her go to her room and jump up and down and yell to "get the angries out". Something like that lets a kid express what they are feeling without being disrespectful or disobedient. I do a lot of "I know that it makes you angry, but you still can't..." And just having someone know how he's feeling helps my little guy a lot.

Best of luck, S., I don't mind admitting three has me shaking in my Mommy boots!

Unless your husband is willing to put his foot down and discipline the child...I am afraid that you are fighting an uphill battle. If she is this unruly at 3, how is she going to be at 13? Does he think that her behavior is acceptable? Anyway, good luck. I hope this gives you some food for thought.

Wow. It6 seems like the only way to help this situation is to have a real serious talk with Dad. Moms and Dads have notoriuosly different styles of parenting, and it always seems to me that Dad is the one to lay back and have fun while Mom is the Enforcer. But in this situation, the roles need a little tweeking. He needs to realize that everything he does now will affect the child years down the road; and if he provides a little discipline now, his life will be alot easier later.

children act unruly for five reason, but three main ones, you need to identify why she is behaving badly in order to be able to deal with it, there is no help in playing the blame game, as to which parent is at fault.

the primary reason for misbehaviour is because the child would like more attention. It is likely that since you are away all day, she really wants your attention when you get in. The way to help modify her behaviour is to give lots of attention for good behaviour and not to make eye contact or get face to face for poor behaviour. small time outs are helpful. remember for a child who craves attention, even bad attention is better then none.

the second reason for bad behaviour is a power struggle. If the child is trying to have some control over her or his life. this will keep on till adulthood. The best thing to do is to give her some choices that you can live with. ie Mommy has to wash dishes now, you can sit and draw at the table, or you can help me. make sure the choices are once you can live with, and then abide by her or his choice.

the third most common reason for misbehaviour is fear or lack of self confidence. they might refuse to do something because they are worried that they cannot do it, or afraid of the dark, or dont want to be alone etc. confidence boosting talk, and helping her or him have success is most important to alleviate this behaviour.

You can usually identify the cause of your childs behaviour by how it makes you feel. If it makes you very angry, it is probably a power struggle, if it makes you feel irritated, it is probably attention, and if you feel a little sorry for the child, it is likely self confidence.

To really help your child grow you need to address the real reason for the behaviour, and it would help if you and your hubby agree on the guidelines. Still, my son for years would listen to me much better then he listened to his Dad, for whatever reason, and he has a wonderful father!

Please try not to play the blame game, it is good for your child to see you and your husband as a team. I hope this might be helpful and may you have good luck so that you can enjoy your child rather then be frazzled!

best wishes

First of all, it's important that your husband respects your concerns. It's a team effort to raise kids and if he isn't addressing things you feel are important, then she is going to not respect your authority. Secondly, just remain consistant. Hitting gets one punishment and always the same. Yelling will get another....for example, if she yells, take away her favorite toy for a little bit. If she hits, tell her she can't watch her favorite video. If she bites, she gets a time-out, and so-on. It helps them relate better. good luck!

I definitely think that 3 is a tougher age than 2 (I have a 3 1/2 year old Little boy)
you are the one that is going to have be the o ne that puts your foot down - time outs are a good thing! I see a huge difference now that my son is 3 1/2 and we have been doing time outs (and remember you just have to take deep breaths during the meltdowns!) It gets easier when they are closer to 4.

Jenn Smith
http://jennsmith.stayinhomeandlovinit.com

Well this is exactly why your daughter is turning into the boss..or unruly as you say. Your husband is not being the boss at home..not cool with all the hard work your doing. A talk with your husband might help..if not maybe talk with him with someone else in the room..always good to have a buffer around with delicate situations...good luck

I am a working mom of a 2 1/2 yr old. My husband also works and he is in daycare. My son says all those wonderful things, but he picks them up from daycare and his two older brothers. He really doesn't listen to my husband so I am the one who really has to correct him. I try to tell him that it hurts my feelings, then I tell him it isn't nice, then he goes into his room and I stay there while he screams and I ignore him until he says he is "done". He is starting to work, he knows these words are bad and they upset us, so after he says them now, he immediately says "I'm sorry mommy". You have to keep working on it, and you have to have your husband on the same page or it can be very embarassing when you take them out in public and they tell grandma to shut up. :)